NEW YORK— Long Island City resident Marissa Florentine was rushed to the hospital earlier today upon realizing that her personal weblog, HypomanicScenester, consists almost exclusively of product endorsements, lifestyle tips gleaned from celebrity magazines, and bragging.
Florentine, 26, was on her way to Understuff’d, a recently opened Chelsea Tapas bar, when the revelation occurred. Sources close to the Junior Marketing Analyst claim that when she collapsed in the cab, they thought it only a common side-effect of Florentine’s 500 calorie-per-day diet and stress induced by a conspicuous obsession with convincing everyone she was doing more and better things than they.
“I couldn’t believe what happened,” remarked Tiffany Burton, the victim's co-worker and primary shopping partner. “I read on Gawker and Daily Intel that self-obsessing to the point of nauseating narcissism was typical New York behavior. She should have been able to weather this phase for at least another few years, until a snarky remark directed at her during a gallery opening for a fecal artist at a Moroccan fusion bar devastated her to the point where she realized she was a little too old to be carrying on like that.”
A cursory examination of the blog revealed Florentine's fears to be well-founded, as the most recent four posts detailed, in order: a comprehensive, head-to-toe description of the week's outfits; a glowing endorsement of the new tequila she discovered on a business trip to Miami; the precise coordinates of three new “animal friendly” lingerie boutiques; and a link to Citygrrl.com encouraging visitors to purchase a “Groceries Are For Suckers” bumper sticker.
Upon regaining consciousness in the 24th Street New York Presbyterian Hospital, Florentine immediately broke into tears, exclaiming, “They were supposed to have the best grape leaves west of 7th Avenue!” Her equally slender and vacant dinner companions would have rushed to her bedside just then, had they not repaired to Understuff’d immediately after checking Florentine into the hospital.
Burton defended the decision, squealing, “It was 2-for-1 on Andalusian platters and half price on mint tea Fresca-tinis! The food was served on doll house plates so you could really be bad and get two or three. I had the Puntillitas and a grape leaf that had been waved in front of a starving Iberian pig. With Marissa out of action I had to blog about it on my blog, Welcome to Six Months Ago. I hope it gets linked by one of the blogs my friends write!”
“I can’t believe this is happening to me,” said a sobbing Florentine. “I was just writing about things I assumed I should tell everyone I liked. And I had this great post all ready about taking a Summer Friday, having this awesome session on the elliptical, finding an amazing pair of black, knee-length shorts at MUJI, sipping some great chai at Sympathy for the Kettle -- which is an awesome place to go when you just want to relax and read Time Out -- then getting an amazing mani-pedi at Sweet Lily, throwing on this great pair of Anne Klein capris with my awesome new tight black tank top and these amazing chrome ballet flats I've been dying to wear and then going to Understuff'd, which is supposed to be a great place. Just a normal amazing day, you know?"
A native of Parma, OH, Florentine arrived in New York City eighteen months ago determined to embrace the limitless cultural opportunities afforded her by a lucrative marketing job while, “staying true to my more altrueistic [sic] roots.” Sadly, mere days after arriving, Florentine contracted a virus scientists have identified as Midwestern Girl in New York Syndrome (MGNYS). Symptoms include shortened attention span, obnoxious self-involvement, smugness, infidelity, borderline anorexia, rampant and irreversible narcissism, and the tendency to be distracted by anything new and shiny. There is no known cure, although some physicians have recommended "shaking the bitch."
Further research into HypomanicScenester uncovered a penchant for attributing complimentary drinks to her outgoing personality and “niceness,” an inability to understand why "people get so down about the economy," and a complete failure to grasp the inherent irony of, in one breath, referencing the latest Atlantic Monthly exposé on Chinese clothing factories while encouraging readers to buy hip new brands whose products are made in China.
Florentine's mother, prominent Cleveland socialite and philanthropist, Guinnevere Florentine, who frequently visits her daughter in New York, is perhaps the most loyal of Hypomanic Scenester’s twelve readers. The senior Florentine was unavailable for comment, however, as she was parasailing in the Mediterranean at press time.
Upon being released, Florentine found herself conflicted over whether she should even bother posting about her upcoming visit with “an old guy friend” at his family’s oceanfront property in Kennebunkport, Maine. “Tucker is such a good friend, you know? We sort of had this thing in college but decided not to get serious. I really can’t wait to catch up.”
She is unclear as to what the next step is. “I don’t know if I can really subsume my identity further and commit to things on more than a superficial level. Maybe I can just post self portraits of me in front of a mirror with a camera onto MySpace? I just don't know! I need something and without the consumerist zealotry and self-reference there’s just not much there. I considered ignorantly posting about politics in a sarcastic manner, but that’s so hackneyed and unoriginal...”
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