Broken News: Class War Erupts at Combination Chili Cook-Off and Brie-Tasting

SEDALIA, MO. -- In what was billed as a meeting of highbrows and lowbrows, a refuge where the glitterati and literati could break bread with the hicks in the sticks, the combined efforts of the National Guard, local fire departments, and two S.W.A.T. teams were required to quell a riot at the first annual Greater Missouri Chili Cook-Off and Brie-Tasting. As rescue crews work around the clock to clear rubble, search for survivors, and identify corpses, the question on everyone's mind seems to be: Who could have predicted this?

“We thought it was the perfect idea, now we realize it just created the perfect storm of conditions” remarked Julius Pearle, field organizer for the Kant-Earnhardt Society, the event's creators. ""We set up the antiquing pavilion next to the asphalt motorcycle burnout circle. We lined up Charlie Daniels and the Boston Pops. And no matter what anyone says, both the henna and permanent tattoo tents were clearly labeled."

While authorities have found it difficult to pinpoint the exact start of a riot with apparent multiple, perhaps simultaneous firepoints, experts have surmised that certain underlying socioeconomic tensions almost certainly provoked the conflict. A shaky consensus has emerged claiming the riot initially touched off when a man, rumored to be a liberal arts college professor, peered over his Dolce & Gabbana frames and sneered a comment about the fiscal solubility of John McCain’s environmental policy. A man in a trucker hat, possibly a bow hunter, impugned the religion and parentage of Senator Obama, followed it up with a, “Do it to it,” and the uprising was underway.

“All I know is some high falutin’ motherfucker said ‘solipsistic’ and I just started wailin’ on his ass.” said Early Hinson of Mule Stump, Alabama. "I saw all the ads, man. They put one on the hood of Clint Bowyer's #07 Jack Daniels car, so I knew people's was comin' to party. Then I get here and a man can't even eat a rack of ribs without hearin' about offsets and carbon neutralness and I just lost my shit. They even neutered Charlie, man!"

Sadly, Hinson's statement is both figuratively and literally true, as not even the musicians were spared. After Daniels brandished a confederate flag during an impromptu acapella version of "It Ain't No Rag It's a Flag" during the initial stages of the riot, conductors Keith Lockhart and John Williams put down their batons and confronted him. The exchange quickly became physical and the onstage area erupted into an old fashioned rowdy dow. CDB members Bruce Brown and Charlie Hayward waded into the woodwinds using anything they could find as a weapon while the violin section made short work of the guitar techs. As fire engulfed the brass section, Lockhart and Williams took Daniels hostage and constructed what can only be described as a crude guillotine, made out of a sharpened tuba bell and timpani drum.

In a statement released from prison, Williams, awaiting arraignment on charges of assault, mutilation, and conducting surgery without a license, said, "I regret nothing. Coming up in the symphony game, you learn how to handle your business. How do you think I got the Superman job? I fishhooked Hans Zimmer and held his baton hand over a food processor, that's how. Ennio Morricone saw why my right thumb is feared throughout Europe as the foremost eye-gouger since Gustav Mahler blinded Pablo Casals in Milan in 1904. Or at least Ennio would have seen it if I hadn't popped his eyeball like a grape. Charlie Daniels is just the latest victim and not, I assure you, the last."

Pearle, whose organization is facing imminent financial ruin in the wake of the disaster, continued, "We felt these two groups could come together, mingle, interact, and work out their differences. We thought they could forge a new way forward for America, one of understanding and compassion. Instead they just brutalized each other and warred like savage tribesmen. Well, the one half was like savage tribesmen. The other half, for the most part, just ran around crying and threatening legal action.”

With early estimates placing the damage to the Pettis county area in the $500 million dollar range, groups are recklessly rushing to stage benefit concerts in a shortsighted attempt to help heal the damaged state. The joint Kashi/Truck Nuts benefit with Toby Keith and the Jazz Mandolin Project already has experts fearing a new outbreak of violence and the possible extinction of the trustifarian. The prospects for the hipsters at the Vampire Weekend/Napalm Death concert planned for New York are equally dim.

"Maybe we just need to start smaller" opined Pearle. "Maybe the gulf in class was too big, maybe we cast too wide a net. Next time will be better, I swear."