Broken News: CERN Shocker: Scientists Plan to Kill God

The Murder Chamber

GENEVA, SWITZERLAND--The world is in an uproar as top secret memos leaked to the press revealed that the goal of CERN's Large Hadron Collider was not to study particle collisions, but to be the world's first mechanism designed to flush out and kill God. More surprising than this revelation was the fact that scientists did not attempt to deny the accusation, choosing instead to verify its accuracy and gleefully proclaim their eagerness to murder God.

“It’s time,” cackled CERN Director General Robert Aymar. “For too long have we labored to discover the secrets of the universe, to find out the inner workings at the atomic level, only to turn around and hear someone say ‘God did it.’ We are tired of having our discoveries legislated out of classrooms and dismissed by fundamentalist groups because some Hebrew didn’t write it down on a scroll three thousand years ago. No more museums where you see Jesus riding dinosaurs. No more claims about the universe's age derived from adding up lifespans of Biblical characters. Once we kill God, there will only be science. Yes, only science to worship and follow.”

The Large Hadron Collider, or "Giant Science Cock," as it is known to the PhD set, is the world's largest particle accelerator. Its ostensible purpose is to carry out particle collisions at extremely high energy levels in an attempt to gauge the validity of the standard model of particle physics, informing on the origins of the universe. However, as the activation date -- currently scheduled for early September -- has approached, further calculations have shown that the LHC's goal would only be feasible if the machine made God appear so that He could initiate the chain reaction.

It turns out, only God can start the universe as only He knows the magic and secret words. This was initially devastating news to the scientific community. Discovering how the universe started (God did it) and by what means (magic words) enraged CERN's hierarchy. They couldn't believe there was no by-the-numbers scientific solution. Driven mad by the unknowable, they vowed to build the LHC to trick God into appearing for the supposed experiment, whereupon they would kill Him once and for all. The only question that remains is how God could not know what's going on.

Insiders of the eternal note that God's attention has been monopolized recently by the much-publicized Trinity breakup. These same sources also revealed that God never really has taken much of an interest in what he calls the "Talk Apes," particularly since the BC/AD switchover. He prefers instead to tinker in his workshop on new and better planets and civilizations that he feels will really cement his legacy as THE Creator.

“The Big Guy just feels like he's hit his stride creatively,” said one insider. “He saw the new crop of sci-fi and space movies and it gave him all sorts of new planet ideas. Water worlds, mountain worlds, weird fungus worlds, milkshake worlds, a planet with north-south rings AND east-west rings, a nebula that looks like a big dong, trinary stars, and solar systems that actually have more than one habitable planet. He really feels this could be his Beggar’s Banquet-to-Exile period. Truth is, he only looks at Earth to see the hot people shower and watch the more impressive Rally Car crashes. Especially the ones where the vehicle lands upside-down in a lake. Cracks his bearded ass up.”

“See, God doesn’t even care,” responded Aymar. “We can only get evolution taught as a competing theory because of His followers and He can’t even muster the interest to know that we’re trying to kill Him? Trust me, things will be much better once the scientists are in charge. We have statistical models, graphs, all sorts of stuff that to suggest it’ll be pretty fuckin’ sweet.”

Once the Hadron Collider tricks God into appearing, the plan is to knock him down with a salvo of particles to the face and groin areas. At this point the scientists plan to conjure the elusive and theoretical Higgs Boson, believed to be the next step in unifying the laws of physics, and use it to smash Him in the head until He’s dead. When asked why, after finally firing up a 25-year-old, internationally funded, $10 billion device meant to bring about a landmark step in modern physics, he intended to squander its bounty on pre-meditated deity murder, Aymar explained, "Once God is dead, we'll have all the time and resources we want. And no more of these silly distractions."

When pressed further on the plan for the LHC after God's death, Aymar explained that he didn't know. "We could probably fill it with water and do sort of a river raft ride. It’s pretty long. Maybe a water slide or a Jai-alai court? Low-income housing? I don’t know. We haven’t thought that far beyond killing God and the resulting party. It'll be a 'Fiesta Mexicano' theme.”

Asked if he feared retaliation from a vengeful Jesus, Aymar laughed. “I’ve read the Bible. Twice. That bitch is a pacifist. I doubt he has it in him. If he wants to use his fancy powers, we’ve got CERN Department for Religious Retaliation all ready to go with containment lasers, mystical shields, spears, and surface-to-deity rockets. If he wants to knuckle up, I’ve got 10 years of Kenpo to go along with my physics degree. Science can handle Jesus.”

Finally when asked if he feared the ghost of God haunting the LHC, Aymar shrugged and said, “Now you’re just being silly. Who believes in that kind of thing?”

Science hopes to have the transition to science-based worship ready to be made by early next year. Funds have been released for church renovation and acquiring textbooks devoid of intelligent design. After final testing and calibrations are made they hope to kill God sometime this Fall.