UKRAINE--A saga that transfixed three continents and spanned half a century has finally come to a close as former The Price is Right game show host, Bob Barker, was arrested and charged with crimes against humanity. The genocidal mastermind, who had evaded authorities by hiding in plain sight for over 50 years, was apprehended in a raid on what authorities called a “shoddy Ukrainian carnival.”
"Truly, today is a great day,” proclaimed Adam Bergenthal, spokesman for the International Court of Justice. “One of the most sadistic, morally repugnant men to ever walk the earth is finally in custody."
The saga began last October when Barker was outed as Colonel Beto Cassacia, a fascist paramilitary leader responsible for 24,000 known civilian deaths during the Paraguayan Civil War. El Apergaminado Loco or “The Wrinkled Madman,” as he was known then, was notorious for stalking the countryside flanked by a perverse coterie of sideshow performers, forcing disobedient peasants to fertilize the cocoa fields with the ashes of their children before having all of the livestock spayed or neutered.
Perhaps the most egregious example of Cassica's cruelty took place at the village of Alto Horque in August of 1953. Villagers were forced at gunpoint, five at a time, to guess the cash value of clay pots, hand-woven decorative rugs, and other common household items. The villager who came closest to the actual retail price -- a foreign concept in what was then an agrarian barter economy -- without going over survived until the next round, while the remaining four were drawn and quartered.
When his faction lost the Civil War in 1954, it is assumed Cassica fled north through Bolivia and Brazil. A man matching his description was reported to be nutting goats with his bare teeth in the middle of the night, before escaping into the nearby salt marshes. Cassica eventually made it up through Mexico and all the way to the southeastern United States, where he murdered a transient named Robert Barker. The international fugitive then shaved his trademark bushy beard, known as "The Nest of a Thousand Tears," and assumed Barker's identity. After working his way up through the Los Angeles entertainment industry, Barker finally found a home for the demented parlor games that had made him the scourge of his native land: Daytime Television.
The first such show was Truth or Consequences, where incorrect trivia answers required the completion of zany stunts, as opposed to ritual disembowelment. The effort proved unsuccessful both commercially and as a vehicle for stoking the sexual ecstasy Barker derived from his sick games. He finally found his niche in 1975, though, with the launch of the revamped The Price Is Right, where he rose to prominence over the ensuing decades, never once giving any indication that America's favorite game show host was a bloodthirsty fugitive war criminal.
“The trail was cold for years,” said Juan Erico, chief investigator for the Simón Wiesenthal Center for Paraguayan Justice. “Then in late September of 2007, a Paraguayan Soy Farmers delegation was visiting the studio where they filmed The Price Is Right. An elderly farmer named Raul Arévalos recognized Colonel Cassacia."
Arévalos, though only a child at the time, was forced by Cassacia to play a crude precursor to "Plinko" using the skull of his older sister. While the course of time coupled with the Colonel's clean-shaven face made him difficult to recognize, Arévalos swore he would "never forget those eyes. Those cold, dead eyes..."
Erico went on to explain, "Cassacia must have gotten wind that we were onto him. Shortly after that taping, he fled the country before we could close in."
Almost immediately, CBS and Mark Goodson Television Productions concocted a cover story claiming that Barker had simply retired. They then hastily hired comedian Drew Carey as Barker's replacement while allegedly working through back channels to ensure Barker's safe and silent exile in Ukraine, one of the last areas of the planet where American daytime television had yet to gain a foothold.
Despite the well-orchestrated disappearance and financial backing, Barker's location was soon betrayed by an undisclosed number of global operatives. While the ICJ has been slow to release details, initial rumors suggested that Barker was captured while working as the ringmaster at a low-rent carnival sideshow in the Donets'k region of Ukraine, near the Sea of Azov. Lead Interpol agent, Jacques Yves, confirmed this rumor, explaining that the fugitive attempted to make a mad dash out of the dilapidated tent before being subdued and tranquilized by a team of operatives, several of whom had disguised themselves as inebriated circus patrons.
“We made our move after he [Cassacia/Barker] had been beating a sickly Siberian tiger in front of a burning hoop for almost half an hour,” said Yves through a translator. “The scene was... despicable. Goats wandered freely, there was feces everywhere, and I think the man sitting next to me was masturbating into a cage of infant ducks. Their so-called ‘Siamese Twins’ were two Koreans in the same pair of pants. It was pathetic."
Asked if the pursued put up any resistance, Yves explained, "When I tackled this Barker fellow, he screamed something about ‘glory to the South American fascist movement’ and tried to swallow a cyanide capsule. I wrestled it out of his hands and tranqued him. As he slipped into unconsciousness, a midget in a worn tuxedo circled and surveyed the scene on a motorized scooter. The dozen or so people watching began to applaud.”
Barker is being transported to Kiev where he will be booked and then turned over to the World Court at the Hague. The captive has steadfastly asserted his innocence, defending the crimes of which he is accused as, “the necessary conduct of a just war” and has vowed to act as his own lawyer at trial. Mark Goodson Television Productions has refused comment and is said to be conducting a thorough background check on Drew Carey, specifically the formative years he spent in Cleveland.
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