Showing posts with label new york city. Show all posts
Showing posts with label new york city. Show all posts

Monday, August 16, 2010

Return of the Cheap Blogging Crutch - 8.16.10

Right? Right?

Slate's William Saletan dismantles the flimsy arguments against the Ground Zero Mosque Lower Manhattan Islamic Cultural Center with unsurprising ease. What I fail to understand is why nobody is protesting the destruction of the hallowed vacant Burlington Coat Factory.

Speaking of Islam's nefarious attempt to destroy the American way of life and replace it with devil worship, Fordson High School's predominantly Muslim football team is accommodating duties both to team and faith by
practicing from 11 PM to 4 AM during Ramadan.

Nick Newcomen, an Objectivist with
waaaaay too much time on his hands, drove over 12,000 miles in an effort to write out, in GPS, the largest literature review of all time. I guess it was shorter than writing "I AM A SMUG, SELFISH ASSHOLE."

And finally, after this light snack, I give you a refresher course on
some truly impressive shit from fifty years back.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

My Unsolicited Opinion on the "Mosque" at "Ground Zero."

Shame on us for making Olympus Mons out of a grain of sugar. This is a country founded on the notion that all present are free to worship as they choose. Debating the legitimacy of building an interfaith center -- not a Mosque, mind you -- a few blocks away from the latest in a long, long, loooong line of apparently unnoticed reminders of what happens when assholes hijack the core principles of any belief system is pure folly.

It's also unconstitutional. There are two synagogues and three churches within the same radius. Also, there has been an actual mosque four blocks away from the site since before the World Trade Centers were even built. The largest private landowner in the City of New York is the Catholic Church, for, if you'll permit a small pun, Christ's sake.

This is a non-issue being exploited by hack politicians, many of whom have never set foot in our city, for cheap political gain in an election year. And that's fine. After all, the Republicans have a shot at taking back the House and you can set your watch by how politicians of all stripes will prey upon our base inclinations simply to win an election.

My point is this: Those indignantly humping the flag over the renovation of a vacant Burlington Coat Factory building are the same people who ritualistically demonize this city's allegedly godless, loony, elitist liberal way of going about things. Basically, we're a convenient talking point.

An argument against this project going forward lacks any legal, moral, or ethical legitimacy. So please don't tell us we should in any way restrict the freedom to worship afforded all of us by that document you so very apparently revere, but don't seem to have read, the Constitution of The United States of America.

Also, you don't live here. I do. Fuck off.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Stay classy, Mark

Did you know that they're going to build a mosque in New York somewhere in the vicinity of Ground Zero? If not, I'm sure the imminent shrieking and gnashing of teeth over this obvious tragedy will be forthcoming from all the requisite crazies who don't live in New York. Until such a time as those parties have stopped being distracted by financial reform, primaries, that goddamn stripper Muslim who stoled the durn Miss USA crown, shiny object, bright flashing lights, and our Kenyan President's socialism, we'll just have to deal with the wailing outrage of the the kooks who really hate everything brown, swarthy, and of or pertaining to the prophet Muhammad.

So it is with that in mind that the first shriek was thrown down from Tea Party Express chairman ('natch) and conservative talk radio host ('natch) Mark Williams. He went for the gusto and threw down The Umbrage and The Taking of Offense so thick that I think he's trying to set the record for "Petulant Reactionary Xenophobic Racism". He isn't going to need a second attempt.
The animals of allah for whom any day is a great day for a massacre are drooling over the positive response that they are getting from New York City officials over a proposal to build a 13 story monument to the 9/11 Muslims who hijacked those 4 airliners.

The monument would consist of a Mosque for the worship of the terrorists' monkey-god and a "cultural center" to propagandize for the extermination of all things not approved by their cult.
Mark closed by proffering an explanation from his book as to why Islam attracted so many mental patients and closed it out with a picture of Muhammad with a swastika on his head.

I don't usually like to guess where Jesus would come down on an issue, but I think Mark phrased it exactly as the Lord would. Although Jesus would have said it through gritted teeth as He lit a stogie of the end of His flamethrower. Then He would have yelled something about "You blasphemous maggots! Reduce me to a prophet, will you!" before turning His flamethrower on full blast and going to town on the Masjid al-Haram as He cackled like a madman.

Boy, I'm sure this will do wonders for the Tea Party's reputation. Way to keep it classy, Mark. I'm sure the city of New York is glad you're looking out for them in the most cheaply racist/hot, spittle flecked screaming/hatefully insane kind of way. They're probably so grateful that they'll forgive you when you invite some attack or natural disaster on the city for some perceived liberal or anti-Jesus transgression.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010


Hey, sorry I've been away. I parked my 1993 Nissan Pathfinder in Times Square and it seems to have gone missing. Been looking for it the past few days. Anyone seen it?

Oh.... Whoops.

Anyway, with all that behind us and a terrorist attack averted, now comes the most important part of any post-attack period: attacking the President for purely political reasons over a perceived lack of manliness and commitment to making America feel it's enemies have been sufficiently brutalized in the name of freedom. Obama's crime this time? He read the suspect his Miranda rights again and the suspect started freely giving up information again. When will he learn? That stuff might work in the real world, but in the fantasies of the right wing politicians of our country it doesn't and we would be better served by waterboarding these people 10 or 170 times. So let's listen to them bitch about it.
In a steady stream of indictments, top-ranking officials in the GOP said it didn't matter that the Obama Department of Justice was getting information from Faisal Shahzad, the now-detained the Pakistani-born American. The fact that the administration chose to read Miranda rights to the suspect shows a national security policy steeped in naivety and potentially dangerous.

"That is a stroke of good luck," Sen. John Cornyn (R-Tex.) said of the news that Shahzad was cooperating even after getting his Miranda rights read to him. "What if he had not waived them and just quit talking, said 'I want my lawyer'?"

"Maybe we got lucky and [Shahzad] said I will go ahead and talk to you anyway," said Jon Kyl (R-Ariz.). "But you didn't know that when you read [him] the rights. So I stand by what I said -- it is better in these kinds of cases to get the intelligence first and then, if you decide you want to proceed with an Article 3 prosecution, then read the Miranda rights."
Peter King and John McCain joined the din shrieking against Mirandizing and having a terrorism policy that made sense, but had to be rebuked by Glenn Beck.
"He is a citizen of the United States, so I say we uphold the laws and the Constitution on citizens… If you are a citizen, you obey the law and follow the Constitution. He has all the rights under the Constitution… We don't shred the Constitution when it is popular. We do the right thing."
Yes, that Glenn Beck.

Dizzy. World spinning. Must... find couch... to... faint on. What kind of world do we live in where Glenn Beck is making sense on terrorism policies and actions taken by the Obama Administration? Wasn't it more likely that Obama would grow a Lenin style goatee, unleash robot death panels, goose step down Pennsylvania Avenue with his Obama Youth squads, and turn into the fascist parody Beck had been painting him as, rather than Beck deciding to make actual sense on terrorism and the Constitution?

This is too much for my brain to process. I heroically overcome a bout of SuperAIDS and have to deal with this mindfuck? Still, score one for Beck doubling his meds and joining the fight to see our counter-intel and interrogation strategies get based on strategies that work instead of something you half remember as being completely awesome when Jack Bauer did them in Season 3 of 24 and would assuredly result in the man not getting convicted. Some other Fox commentator will have to worry about the stiffness of America's war boner, Glenn Beck is dabbling in rationality today. I'm sure we'll have to rescind this literally seconds from now, but... good job... Glenn Beck.

/tepidly golf claps
//belts scotch from a flask

Monday, May 3, 2010

A Tale of Two Cities

I live in New York, where someone plants a bomb-type-thing in Times Square and residents go about their day pretty much as usual. After all, Times Square is populated predominantly by tourists, and we can always find more of those.

Matthew, however, resides in our hometown of Pittsburgh, where the annual
marathon gets re-routed because of a broken microwave near the finish line:

Two-minute Jihad?

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

If you see something, say something

New York based graphic designer Jay Shells has been peppering the subways with his Metropolitan Etiquette Authority posters.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Like Christmas

To my fellow New Yorkers: As much as I advocate ignoring these ingrates, who amongst you would pass up an opportunity to heckle Lou Dobbs in person? This is like getting into the circus for free. An angry, irrational, somehow worse-smelling-than-usual circus. Assemble!
TeaParty365 announced today that the nation’s leading business commentator Lou Dobbs will headline its Tax Day Tea Party Rally to be held on April 15th from 7:00pm-9:00pm at the James A. Farley Post Office across from Penn Station in mid-town Manhattan.
Film at 11:00, or thereabouts.

[via Allison Kilkenny]

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Quote of the day

Say anything for a buck, corporate owned, no real beliefs of his own, political hack/carpetbagger Harold Ford Jr. has decided that what New York needs is a Democratic Senator that is not only completely embarrassing, is the Democratic equivalent to Sarah Palin, but also tries to out-Lieberman Joe Lieberman. It doesn't sound like a great campaign strategy to me, but what do I know? I'm probably going to have to choose between Arlen Specter or Pat Toomey in November.

In between declaring how he's a real New Yorker because his helicopter once touched down in Staten Island thus technically qualifying him as having visited all five boroughs, flip flopping on gay marriage, opposing health care, backing large salaries for bankers while not understanding capitalism as a principle, and generally making people question what the hell he is doing and what the hell he is thinking, he dropped this little nugget in an almost 'too bizarre to believe it was anything other than a parody' NY Times interview:
Q. Guns. Let’s talk about this issue.

A: I never got an A rating, like my opponent — would-be opponent — has enjoyed. I don’t own them. I do shoot them, and I shoot them at things that can’t shoot back. And will continue to do that. And by that, I want to be clear, I don’t mean children.
Well, thanks for clearing that up. But I think you might want to soften that stance a little bit. It's New York and the kids there definitely do shoot back.

Still, it's a hell of a political slogan.
Ford '10! Let's be clear: I do not shoot children.
Beats the shit out of 'Hope' or 'Change'.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Our financial betters gird themselves for the peasant uprising

A class war uprising is coming, according to those who work at Goldman-Sachs. I'd trust them, their balance sheets show they have a fairly good predictive record. Hell, just like most times, they've even manipulated this economic crisis too. And not the good kind of class war either, like when rich people fuck over poor people, no, the bad kind. The poors rising up en masse to overthrow the their social and financial betters just because people in the financial and banking industries may or may not have set all the peasants money on fire, tanked the economy and job markets, gotten reimbursed for their losses off the backs of the proles, and have shown no remorse for doing so.

“I just wrote my first reference for a gun permit,” said a friend, who told me of swearing to the good character of a Goldman Sachs Group Inc. banker who applied to the local police for a permit to buy a pistol. The banker had told this friend of mine that senior Goldman people have loaded up on firearms and are now equipped to defend themselves if there is a populist uprising against the bank.

I called Goldman Sachs spokesman Lucas van Praag to ask whether it’s true that Goldman partners feel they need handguns to protect themselves from the angry proletariat. He didn’t call me back. The New York Police Department has told me that “as a preliminary matter” it believes some of the bankers I inquired about do have pistol permits. The NYPD also said it will be a while before it can name names.
Ahh Wall Street, you really don't know us. We all have bigger and better guns, more of them, and we reload our own ammo. Saves on costs. Still, this does perfectly sum up your mindset. Instead of showing an ounce of humility, a shred of remorse, or one nanoparticle of regret, you start arming yourself in anticipation of the class war you know is coming.

Come now, if the poor were really going to rise up and start guillotining the rich, wouldn't we have done it, like, decades ago? Wouldn't it be sort of an annual thing? You know: rich people fuck up economy, poor people take the brunt of it, mass beheadings, lessons learned, things go back to normal, wash, rinse, repeat. Please, no; we're forgiving like that. Plus, with the economy the way it is, none of us can afford a plane ticket to New York. Plus your doormen are really good; it's impossible to get into one of those highrises carrying a high powered rifle.

So no, the unwashed masses won't be kicking it the door of your board meeting, setting fire to your estate, garroting your Yorkiepoo, before finally marching you into the public square to be tarred and feathered. No, we're just going to wait until you finally, completely collapse society. Then we'll eat you as food. Have Tim Geithner bail you out of that.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Broken News: America doomed as Obama Administration insists on following so-called “laws”

WASHINGTON—Today, in a hearing in front of the Senate judiciary Committee, Attorney General Eric Holder confirmed that the collected group of callow, appeasing assholes known as the Obama Administration were going forward with a plan to try terrorism suspects in federal courts, dooming the country to chaos and quashing hopes that the announcement earlier in the week had just been a grim practical joke.

“No, we were totally serious,” Holder said, to the astonished, pearl-clutching gasps of those in attendance. “It appears that it states in the Constitution or the Pledge of Allegiance or something that it’s probably legally required that we put on trial those we’ve accused of crimes in an actual court of law, with an actual judge and stuff. Otherwise it just seems like we’re taking Muslim hostages.”

“So it is with this announcement that we take the final official step of reclassifying these men as ‘prisoners’ instead of ‘guys who are just on a really, really long prison tour’, which had been their former designation,” Holder finished.

As Holder gathered his things and left the hearing, those who had heard this announcement heralding the end of America could only stand slack jawed at the ruinous future that awaited this country if the Obama Administration was going to prosecute terrorists according to internationally and federally established guidelines on justice.

Lawmakers were quick to agree with that assessment.

“Now no one is going to accuse me of any deep understanding off the Muslim, his beliefs, or the mystical incantations of his devil-religion that gives him his America destroying powers,” observed House Minority Leader John Boehner, still hyper-ventilating while he struggled to raise himself from his favorite fainting couch.

“But I believe that it was the mystical properties of Gitmo that kept their superhuman strength at bay. Now that they’re being allowed to leave, how will we ever be able to contain their vast powers?“

Indeed it is the unique rock and mineral compounds of Guantanamo Bay and their effects on followers of Islam that initially drew the Bush Administration to build their terrorist holding center there in the first place. But with no such facilities in the contiguous United States, it is expected that these terrorists will be able to break free of their shackles and rampage loose in the country only hours after they touch down on American soil.

“Our federal prisons are fit to hold the worst murderers, serial killers, minorities, rapists, gang members, minorities, kidnappers, jaywalkers, minority non-violent drug offenders, and terrorists caught on American soil that society has to offer. But these terrorists that are caught on foreign soil? We don’t have the capacity to deal with them,” reminded Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, while taking large breaths of oxygen from an air tank.

“They’re fueled by hatred of America! They feed on being afforded protections under US law. It only increases their super strength, powers of flight, freeze breath, and cat like reflexes. What are they thinking?”

But fears of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bending the bars of his prison cell and, after growing to a gargantuan size as Constitutional protection and America-hate empower him, scaling the Empire State Building to swat at airplanes, have not motivated the Obama administration to reconsider their reckless adherence to the law, leaving pundits to wonder what exactly motivates the 44th president of the United States.

“Unless [Obama is] trying to create a new jobs bill by allowing terrorism back in New York then this is insane,” observed Texas representative Louie Gohmert, implying that the Obama Administration is actively looking for ways to open up New York to another terrorist attack.

“I would also like to add that the statement above is not satire or parody in any way. I actually said that and meant it,” he finished.

When asked to comment on the fact that due process and using our justice system for what it was designed for would cause irreparable damage to the country the Center For Midwesterners and Southerners Who Will Never Be Attacked By Terrorists responded that it couldn’t offer any comment, as its members were too busy hiding in bomb shelters in advance of assured attacks, but were preparing a statement that dictated what they thought areas that would be subjected to terrorist attacks should do.

Similar sentiments were echoed in a joint statement by the Organization of People Who Are Pants-Wettingly Scared of Terrorism and Muslims and the Society for the Sacrificing of American Ideals, who announced that not only had they wet themselves, but were all for ripping up the Constitution if someone official looking promised them it would protect them from terrorists and all men with beards.

“Look, we just feel that we have to, you know, follow the laws of this country,” a perplexed Holder said in a press conference, following the hearings.

“Nah, just kidding,” he said, bursting out in laughter. “With our socialist agenda stalling in the Senate, we felt this was the fastest way to undermine America and bring about the ruin of its inhabitants.”

Holder then walked away, chuckling as he described how great it was going to be to see a 300-foot Khalid Sheikh Mohammed bite off Rudy Giuliani’s head as he irradiated the Bronx with his laser heat vision.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Quote of the Day

Rep. John Shadegg (R-AZ) on how he has already seen the future, and doesn't like how the terrorist trials has turned out for the Bloomberg family.
"I saw the mayor of New York said today, 'We're tough. We can do it.' Well, Mayor, how are you going to feel when it's your daughter that's kidnapped at school by a terrorist?" Shadegg said.

"How are you going to feel when it's some clerk -- some innocent clerk of the court -- whose daughter or son is kidnapped? Or the judge's wife? Or the jailer's little brother or little sister? This is political correctness run amok," he continued.
Boy, don't you just love it when when red state blowhards who live as far away as possible from a terrorism target tells New York how to run things? I mean, how come they aren't as pants wettingly afraid of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed as he is? Plus he's more or less calling the NYPD a Keystone cops organization, our prison system unfit to handle uneducated opium farmers, and that our Federal justice system unable to handle something as complex as a trial. It's impressive, really.

One also has to appreciate the way he brings up the kidnapping of one of Mayor Bloomberg's daughters as if it is the only logical endpoint of holding trials. Hell, the imaginary terrorists are future raping both the Bloomberg daughters as we speak, in a hover apartment two blocks from Madison Cube Garden in New New York. It is an assured outcome that wouldn't otherwise be possible if Barack Obama didn't want to appease terrorists so much. Hell, it's probably what the new season of 24 is about.

But bonus points must be handed out for the "political correctness run amok" remark. Usually that phrase is just reserved for bitter old white men who are just pissed off because they can't tell racist jokes in public, openly stereotype different races, and have to let blacks into their country club. I never knew that "political correctness" involved due process and using the justice system of this country to prosecute criminals according US and international law. The GOP teaches you something new every day.

Ah well, I can only hope that Shadegg can stop shaking in fear at the thought of trials to imagine a scenario where the imaginary Bloomberg hostages are rescued from the imaginary terrorists by Jack Bauer...and say....Huckleberry Hound. Can you do that Johnny? For their sake?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Your morning election round-up

Fatty Fat the Monty Python thief squeaked out a win against the deeply unpopular Jon Corzine for the Governorship of New Jersey. In the Virginia Governor's race, some Republican guy beat some unpopular Democrat who thought it would be a great idea to run against all the stuff Democratic voters like. What does all this mean? Largely nothing. Sorry, excuse me for a second, what I meant to say is THIS MEANS EVERYTHING AND WAS A DRAMATIC REFERENDUM ON OBAMA! Except that it wasn't. But what this does mean is that Republicans are back and look out everyone and hubba hubba hubba money money money, happy days are here again, the death of socialism has been signaled, strike a Heisman pose. Except that it isn't.

So that's that for all the mega important governor's races that were all about Barry, except for the parts where they were all about local politics. Did anything else happen? Why yes, Mayor Billionaire, despite outspending his opponent, the Honorable whoever he was, 20-1 to keep his grips on the reins of New York City, barely squeaked one out against that guy he was allegedly running against, who I'm sure dozens of people could name offhand. Also: Maine hates gays.

Well, I guess that's it. I don't think there were any other races that would have actual national significance in terms of passing laws or doing stuff. Well, I guess there was that House race in California where one of those odious Blue Dog Democrats was replaced by a progressive. Then there was that House race in New York where the preferred candidate of Palin and every nutbag right winger in existence, the creepy looking, Glenn Beck mentored Doug Hoffman, lost a district to a public option supporting liberal that hadn't gone to the Democrats since Ulysses S. Grant was destroying his liver with rot gut. Well done, right wing media establishment! You can't get a conservative elected! So let me see if I have this right......the House got more liberal? Let's clearly not mention this again.

No, the night was a story of how the rotten Obama, drunk off his Muslim ass with all the liberal policies he hasn't gotten passed, got told by the low turnout defeats of two unpopular men who were expected to lose their Governor's races. The Republican party is back! Just not in a way that can effect actual voting on national issues. Thankfully, they still have Joe Lieberman to help them out there.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Headline of the day

American Wins New York Marathon

For the first time since 1982, an American has won the New York City Marathon. By which I mean an Eritrean immigrant who became an American citizen has won the New York Marathon. Good work Mr. Keflezighi, the US does not regret expediting your citizenship for the purpose of Kenyan shaming. In fact, if you know of any fast guys who can help us shame electric named Jamaicans, send 'em over.

This is America, we buy our champions. [insert Yankees joke here]

What's that, Africa? Yeah, it's the return of "We got yo runners!"

Animated .gif of the day

Don't get it? You mean you didn't read this?
"A former Rodriguez fling remembers seeing portraits of the slugger, 34, as a centaur hanging over his bed.

"He was so vain," his ex tells Us Weekly. "He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?"

Adds the ex, "It was ridiculous."
How much do we have to pay to get a maid, nanny, doorman, gardener or whoever to get us photos of those two paintings? Sean and I are willing to chip in both for the bribing of said person and for their inevitable legal defense. Centaurs....

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Too damn high

The New York Mayoral primaries are coming up and really, everyone is wondering who will get the critical These Bastards endorsement. Naked Cowboy? One of the socialists? The sarcastic writing in of Giuliani's name? (He will keep those homeless furnaces lit) Will we just advise staying home because it's all pointless because the billionaire will win? No. If there's one thing we can all agree on about New York it's that the C.H.U.D.S. will kill you if you go out late at night the rent is too high. Strike that: too DAMN high. There's one man that agrees. His name is Jimmy McMillan. Let him tell you.

Are you sold yet? No? What if I were to tell you that not only does he have a campaign song, but he also has a second campaign song. Not only is he fighting against high rents (too damn high rents) he's also fighting against a capricious election board that stripped the damn out of his Rent Is Too Damn High Party name. But he isn't taking it lying down.
"I had a hell of a day, man. I would love to put on my website that the Board of Elections can suck my dick, I would love to do that, but I got little children going to my website, I can't do it, the motherfuckers. I would love to, before every one of them go to bed at night, suckin' my damn dick. That's what I'd love to put on my website. Every fuckin' one of them, you know. "
It was at this point we decided to stop Mr. McMillan and get him to speak on the record. Turns out he already had been. "You're saying that everything you just said can be on the record?" we confirmed. "Everything I just said. Suck my fuckin' dick, the fuckin' board, every fuckin' one of them."
The man's got my vote. Hell, I don't even live in New York. I'm writing him in for the Pittsburgh mayor's race.

Jim-may~! Whatcha gon' do, the people in New York need you! The rent the rent the rent the rent is tooo damn hiiiiiigh!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.20

Stumping With Mayor, Giuliani Stirs Old Fears
While earlier we were marveling at Glenn Beck's ability to weave conspiracy out of nothing, sometimes you have to show a little respect for the masters of the old arts. Like engendering fear of anyone with darker skin than the Irish. So please, a little respect for Nounverb9/11 Giuliani, who hit the stage for NY Mayor Bloomberg to remind people of the fear they used to fear walking the streets at night, pausing then intoning You know exactly what I’m talking about.” He then paused again, scanned the room and said "You know....BLACKS!!!" He then left to go dig up the corpse of a 9/11 victim so he could rummage through the pockets for any loose change or paper money.

Barnes & Noble’s Kindle Killing, Dual Screen ‘Nook’ E-Reader Leaked
Hey, can you hear that sound? It's Amazon shitting its pants over a new e-reader that is not only designed well, but is going to be linked to a Barnes & Noble operation that will sell e-books cheaper, be able to use books from the Google books project, and will let you lend e-books to friends. Lend them. That's it, game over Amazon, game over. If this thing can show porn, they can lure the lucrative 18-54 high tech pervert market. Which is to say, Sean and myself. He's been hankering for a well designed way to watch hardcore porn on the subway for years. Those nuns he sits next to won't know what hit them.

Wall St. Giants Reluctant to Donate to Democrats
Awww, and after they've done so much for the Wall Street community. Actually, this states that they aren't so much as reluctant to donate to Democrats, but to donate to them in public. Which shows they've learned something. Shame they haven't learned anything about banking, financial markets, or sanity. Still only half a dozen Goldman-Sachs execs are going to be at a Democratic Party fundraiser with President Obama. That sounds low, but you have to remember that most Goldman execs already have jobs working in the administration.

Secret Service strained as leaders face more threats
I guess we expected this when we elected a black guy, but it's always nice to see your predictions that American racist extremists would show themselves in great numbers come horrifyingly true. In fact the Secret Service is so strained at investigating racists that there's talk of them abandoning their counterfeiting and financial crimes work to concentrate on the freaks. That's always good to hear that a protective agency is so overworked from an overwhelming number of crazies. America! America! God shed his grace on thee. And crown thy good with brotherhood. From sea to shining sea!

Defense Department Opposed Franken's Anti-Rape Amendment
Charming. As if it wasn't enough that 30 white conservative men thought that allowing people to prosecute rape and sexual abuse as, you know, crimes, was too onerous a burden to the field of contract law, we need the Defense Department to second that motion. Oh, they swear they're totally against rape, it's just that enforcing Franken's law would be totally hard. Well then, if that's the case let's just keep contractor rape legal. We wouldn't want to inconvenience anyone.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Broken In Brief: Tolerable tourist spotted in Manhattan

NEW YORK--New York City Police, Fire and Emergency Medical personnel were dispatched to the intersection of Fifth Avenue and East 34th Street early this morning. This massive convergence of first-responders, initially thought to be a drill, was in fact conducted to positively identify, interrogate and, if possible, replicate a tourist who behaved like a decent, intelligent human being.

The tourist, whose name is being withheld for security reasons, was spotted just after 10 am on 5th Ave. snapping a quick photograph of the Empire State Building, according to Officer Dale McArdy, who was first on-scene.

"What got my attention was the way the person stood near the edge of the sidewalk, not right in the middle, while taking the picture. Then, right after taking a few shots, they politely re-entered sidewalk traffic and kept a normal pace. Didn't stop randomly and gawk. Made no sense."

According to the NYPD, the suspect, who was neither barrel-assed nor clad in an iconic "I (heart) NY" t-shirt, then proceeded to bypass not only a Wendy's, but several garishly themed chain restaurants designed to only appeal to tourists in favor of a local, family-owned deli. After eating their sandwich, the suspect then entered the Herald Square subway station without pausing right at the top of the steps and unfurling a MTA map.

"We are both surprised and thrilled by this discovery," announced Mayor Bloomberg during his Monday press conference. "I assure the people of New York that every attempt will be made to attract more of these strange creatures to our city."

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Broken In Brief: New York City to auction naming rights to New York City

NEW YORK--Having shamelessly whored out to Barclays for naming rights to the Atlantic Ave./Pacific St. subway stop in Brooklyn, New York City is now exploring new feats of acrobatic civic rape in an effort to offset a local economy hobbled by the near-collapse of the financial industry. After lining up interested parties for sponsorship of the Manhattan, Brooklyn and Verrazano Narrows bridges, Mayor Bloomberg has begun seeking deep-pocketed suitors for naming rights to the city in its entirety.

Despite its recent mass expenditure, Barclays is rumored to be amongst the bidders for naming rights to the city. It seems that the organization's American taxpayer-funded acquisition of Lehman Brothers last September, as well as its longstanding stake in diversified interests such as Apartheid, illegal international arms dealing, the notoriously violent Mugabe regime of Zimbabwe, and good, old-fashioned money laundering have left it with ample liquidity and a persisting desire to plaster its bloody name all over bloody everything no matter how much it infuriates the very people whose business it is attempting to court.

No company executives made themselves available for comment, although spokesfloozy Marissa Florentine did read from a prepared statement at a press briefing, explaining that this coup would, "crassly extend our brand into the Unites States and hopelessly confuse subway passengers, which has been an endeavor of the utmost importance to Barclays for some time now."

Insiders remain tight-lipped about naming options on the table, should Barclays win what is sure to be a massive bidding war. However, Vegas currently has odds on:

Barclays Presents: New Amsterdam!: 5/2

We Own Your Asses All Over Again City: 5/2

New York, a Subsidiary of Barclays plc: 6/1

Shaftsbury: 7/1

Cuntsville (the vulgar American meaning, not the charming British one): 8/1

Thankswankersburg: 10/1

Unpronounceable logo of a ravenous Queen taking a large bite out of the throat of the Statue of Liberty: 10/1