PITTSBURGH, PA—Dozens gathered to publicly ridicule two sons of the city, Matthew and Sean, as they set off for the Internet to make stale jokes and consider themselves clever. The self-styled satirists, gin-soaked and woefully unorganized, announced their plan to merge lowbrow social comment with traditional news writing in what the larger and slower-witted of the two described as, "the most blatant Onion rip-off I've seen since... ok, it's the most shameless and unoriginal Onion rip-off ever. Lick my heel, shiteyes!"
After being restrained by five police officers and at least as many injections of horse tranquilizer, Matthew (affecting a British accent) surmised, "Plainly, there are lit-rally five or six topics of grave importance yet to be addressed by The Daily Show or The Onion. Regarding those, we aim to do decently in these coming weeks before growing weary and re-launching as something of a ribald porn site."
Sean, wide-eyed and angry for no apparent reason, exclaimed, "We're going to have some evil-assed political, social and cultural commentary presented in the form of this bleeding-edge technology called a 'blog.' If we weren't such geniuses, I would be surprised nobody had thought of this before."
The two men, who clearly have very little going for them, further clarified their intention to take on so-called sacred cows and provide biting insight, or something, as a bemused crowd humored their naiveté. The misguided perpetrators hoped their meager insight, appalling lack of tact or basic compassion, and eagerness to employ terms like "fuckfistastic" would lead them down the path to untold internet blogosphere power.
A young attendee, there as part of a paternity suit against one of the hacks, added, "Don't they know that there are hundreds of people doing the exact same thing as they are? Except that those people are good and get paid for it and these guys aren't and won't."
Several members of the crowd muttered similar indictments to one another, with one brave soul eventually levying a question directly at the stage. The man was then immediately struck in the face by a projectile later identified by authorities as a frozen ball of human feces packed with metal shavings. One investigating officer later remarked, on condition of anonymity, "You've got to be truly dead inside to weaponize your own excrement."
At this point the crowd went from unruly to openly hostile and moved against the pair of solipsists. Matthew kicked the lectern down off the stage and into the wheelchair-accessible section before admonishing the assembly. "Doubt is treason and will be punished! One day, we'll be above the law! We'll buy and sell all of you ingrates, I fucking swear!"
Side-arming handfuls of D batteries at the assailants, Sean added, "Then we'll buy you again just so we can promise you pensions before shipping your jobs off to Vietnam for pennies on the dollar! Ha ha!”
Raining blows upon the small and infirm, Matthew preached from a bible of his own creation. “Welcome to the new world order! We will show you the way to intellectual purity! My words and fists are truth! Come, receive enlightenment!”
Having exhausted his supply of batteries, Sean began swinging a metal folding chair and screaming, “I wield honesty like a cudgel, you cretins! Civility is an abomination! Live by our message! Mold your society to our words! THESE BASTARDS IS GOD’S PERFECT CREATION!”
Following this brief and frank exchange of viewpoints, Matthew and Sean escaped off stage and into a waiting golf cart, the only vehicle their insurance companies were confident supplying for the event. As they sped away from the riot both men seemed pleased with the announcement and commended each other on their restraint.
"I give it 3 months, tops," said the bloodied youth as he wrung court-issued documents in his shaking hands.
None of the assembled party, only two of whom escaped injury, rose to disagree with the assessment.