Our Betters: The Vice-President offers to help raise some money for a good cause

INT. RAHM EMANUEL’S OFFICE

Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: So, yeah, I’m going to need you to move those last two meetings around.

White House Personal Secretary Katie Johnson: Will do, Mr. Emanuel.


Emanuel: Then I’m going to need you to set up a meeting with Majority Leader Reid and House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank. We have some Financial Reform conference committee strategies to go over.


Johnson: I’ll schedule it for tomorrow sir.


Emanuel: Just one more thing…


Johnson: …OK


Emanuel: This time you have blocked out on my schedule..


Johnson: …Erm


Emanuel: It seems to go from now to either 15 minutes from now or seven hours from now, and has a bunch of question marks all over it. Plus there’s this cartoon drawing of what looks like a demented devil in a straight jacket, drinking out of one of those cartoon moonshine jugs with the three x’s on the side…


Johnson: You see, the thing about that is…


(dives out the window into the bushes)


Emanuel: Oh God, you didn’t. You rotten bitch! You didn’t!


(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)


Emanuel: Shit.


(door flies open)

Vice-President Joe Biden: Rahmmy! I'd walk a million miles… For one of your smiles, My Rahmmy! Rahmmy-- Rahmmy, I'm comin'!


Emanuel: *sighs* Sir, that’s a little offensive.


Biden: Kid, I knew Al Jolson. Hell of a man. Literally taught me that song. Except I changed out Mammy for your name! You see what I did there.


(aggressively motions towards Emanuel, ice and bourbon spilling out of his glass)


Emanuel: …Yes. Surely you didn’t come here to sing an old, racist Al Jolson song to me.


Biden: Naw..... not entirely. Sorry I'm late. Was visiting the US World Cup team with Bubba and Barry, pretending to give a shit about soccer. It's a pastime of mine. Bill kept going on an on about their shoes, God love him. I finally just had to leave him.... I think he was going to try to fuck one of the players. Barry was trying to pry him off of Landon Donovan... Anyway, I have big things to discuss, Rahm. Big things. Hey, was that Flo that I saw diving out of the window into the bushes?


Emanuel: Yes…


Biden: Hell of a girl. God love her. Gotta remind myself to thank her for penciling me in here. It took a few weeks but I finally wore her down. I remember her crying with joy as she yelled to me that she was putting me on your schedule.


Emanuel: That poor woman. So what’s this ‘big news’ you’re here for?


Biden: Ah yes. It’s come to my attention that my reputation for using salty language in the vicinity of microphones during important ceremonies and in front of children when cameras are rolling has been of some considerable financial boon to this White House. Ducats. I’m talking piles of money, Rahm.


Emanuel: I assume you’re referring to those health care “Big Fucking Deal” shirts we’re selling?


Biden: The very same. Gotta ask, what’s that money being used for anyway?


Emanuel: Mostly for Organizing For America… and other… special projects…


Biden: Like what?


Emanuel: *coughs*cybortions*coughs*


Biden: Barry’s robot abortionist project? Outstanding.


(Emanuel taps nose, nods)


Biden: Anywho, I figure that makes me the official White House sloganeer. I figure I’ll spitball some new catchphrases and we can whip up some t-shirts and really start pulling in the coin. You know, let me apply myself creatively and help out some good causes. Hell, I’ve even been shootin’ some phrases at Flo over the past few weeks to see if they catch on and play with the kids.


(looks around)


Biden: Flo? FLO!


Johnson: (weakly, from the azalea bushes) Yes, Mr. Vice-President.


Biden: Have any of my phrases caught on with you kids? I’ve been workin’ ‘em into all my speeches and forcing my grandkids to use ‘em in public.


Johnson: I don’t know… could someone call a gardener?


Biden: What about ‘bean shooter’? Anyone using that? “Wise guy’? “Clambake’? “Schnook’? “Bee’s knees’? ‘Sawbuck’? ‘The gibbet’? “Tinker’s cuss’? “Queer as a three dollar bill’?


Johnson: Not that I can recall.


Biden: Aw hell, those kind of phrases were the cat’s pajamas when I was growin’ up in Scranton. I can’t believe these aren’t catching on. I just thank God my beloved mother has been struck stone cold dead, so she couldn’t see me fail like this. God love her and the timeliness of her death.


Emanuel: Look, if this is it… I have some meetings with the National Association of Teachers, and--


Biden: Teachers? I have a “meeting” “scheduled” with a teacher later on, if you know what I mean.

(leers suggestively at Rahm)

Biden: Sex. With my wife. Who is a teacher. Been sleeping with her for years. She’s also a doctor. Been sleepin’ with a doctor for years. Sexually. Name’s Jill. Got three jobs. Teacher. Doctor. Keepin’ Papa happy in the sack.


Emanuel: You really need to stop saying that in public.


Biden: Me and sleepin’ with a teacher… goes together like tits and grits.


Emanuel: Actually, I’ll stop you. “Tits and grits”. I like that. I might put it in my swear rotation. Might only cause the President to dock me a buck for saying it. You come up with that?


Biden: Hell, I’d like to claim ownership, but that phrase dates all the way back to General Stonewall Jackson. On his tombstone. “Tits and grits, the South will rise again. General Stonewall Jackson 1931-1976.”


Emanuel: He could not have possibly said that, had it carved onto his tombstone, and those clearly aren’t the dates of his birth and death. What are you talking about?


Biden: Stonewall Jackson. Fullback. 1966 Baltimore Colts.


Emanuel: I don’t think that man existed.

Biden: Who the hell am I thinking of?


Emanuel: I wouldn’t even venture a guess. Your mind is a tortured thicket of madness.


Biden: Outstanding. Look, since you like the phrase so much, we can literally start printing up these t-shirts and start literally printing up money. Hundreds of thousands of dollars.


Emanuel: I don’t think that’s such a good--


Biden: We’ll give the money to breast cancer research and the society of coarsely-ground corn manufacturers.


Emanuel: No, this is an awful…


Biden: I’ll get Barry, tell him the good news. We're doin' good work here, people! Flo!


Johnson: (from the azaleas) Help!


Biden: You call up and get me a estimate on printing costs. Rahm?


Emanuel: *sighing* Yeah…

Biden: Let’s do this thing. For charity.

Our Betters: The Vice-President hosts an international gathering

EXT. BLAIR HOUSE


Secretary Clinton: Mr. President, while I appreciate the steps you’ve taken to neutralize his involvement in the Nuclear Security Summit, I’m still a tad wary of what you’re allowing him to do this afternoon.


President Obama: I understand your concern, Madam Secretary, but think of how it would look if we didn’t have one of the Unites States' most experienced foreign policy hands involved in these meetings? Rahm here has assembled a list of low-risk dignitaries to distract Joe while we handle the big dogs. Everything looking OK with Joe, Rahm?


Rahm Emanuel: I’m not vouching for a goddamn thing that man does. He requisitioned a large grill, copious amounts of charcoal and lighter fluid, and a meat slicer. I saw the carnage coming from a mile off and that’s why I’m over here with you. That shit is Axelrod’s problem now.


Obama: I wonder if David is familiar with White House fire drill protocols…


EXT. NAVAL OBSERVATORY


Senior Adviser David Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, thing are all set for your Summit Luncheon. We’ve built the fire pit, gathered the assortment of various rare and endangered meats you requested for grilling, and have built the sandwich station so that you can make everyone your signature... (sighs)... Bidenwich.


Vice-President Biden: Twelve kinds of deli meat, Davey-boy! Whiz wit! Plus lettuce, tomato, onion and my signature Biden sauce. Two of the ingredients are dijon mustard and miracle whip. If you want to know the rest, you'd better have some sharp knives and the will to use them! I’m thinking the occasion calls for some sort of extra spicy nuclear hot sauce, you know, to get people thinking about the dangers of proliferation.


Axelrod: Whatever. For now, we need to move to the photo-op area so the press can get some film of you greeting the dignitaries as they enter your Summit Luncheon and--


Biden: Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast!


Axelrod: (clears throat) Yes, your Summit Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast. Just shake their hands, pause for a few seconds, and let them move on.


Biden: Pressin’ the flesh, meetin’ the people. This is literally what I was made for.


Axelrod: Fine fine. You did memorize their names, right? Remember last weekend, with the flash cards...


Biden: Forgot them the second you left. No problem, I’ll just wing it.


Axelrod: In hindsight I realize this is exactly what I should have expected. Christ, here’s the first one now.


Biden: Hey pal! How the fuck ya doin’?


Chilean Foreign Minister Alfredo Moreno: Uh… not bad. Let me say how humbled I am to be included in this important world summit.


Biden: Fantastic! Look... you… guy. We’re just tickled that you could make it. You and whatever country it is you represent are critical to doing whatever it is we’re trying to do with nuclear weapons. So come on in, man. Kick up your feet, we got brews on ice. Dos Equis! Eh, eh! Just get your drink on and I’ll be back in a few to grill up some ostrich burgers. You ever eat ostrich?


Moreno: Can’t say that I have…


Biden: Damn, I thought you were from an ostrich country. Fuck it, just chill out, relax, chillax. We got lawn darts, bocce ball, the whole nine!

Biden: This guy! This... this is the guy right here!


Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboulgheit: My great thanks for extending an invitation to my nation.


Biden: No problemo, my man! How could we do this without... you!? You’re the guy, man! I'm guessing you're a big grilled-meat-on-a-stick person?


Aboulgheit: Sometimes. It is a popular dish in my country.


Biden: Fuckin’ nailed it! Scamper on back to the grilling area. I think you’ll find it’s a goddamn Turkish delight back there. Big hunks of rare meats on claymores roasting over a fire the size of the Lincoln Memorial.

Biden: NAJIB! You old pig-fucker! Bring it in!


Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak: Joe-Joe Dancer, you ornery son of a motherless goat! How have you been? I haven’t seen you since…


Both: The 1994 UN Summit in Kuala Lumpur!


Biden: Hell of a goddamn night! I remember waking up shoeless in a ditch on the side of the road with Boutros Boutros-Ghali puking into a hyacinth right next to me. I tried to call you to come pick us up, but…


Razak: I was passed out in the Imperial Garden of the Seri Paduka Baginda Yang di-Pertuan Agong! Without any pants!


Biden: HAW HAW HAW! I still don’t remember most of that week! Shit, get your ass back to the grill pit. We'll get shitfaced and play Pai Gow… if you can keep your dong in your pants!


Razak: You know how I get when I drink in the sun! No promises, you son of bitch.

Biden: President Jintao, what an honor it is to meet you again.


Vietnamese Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung: You must be mistaken; I am the Prime Minister of Vietnam.


Biden: My mistake... Hey, Charlie don’t surf! Glad you were able to get past that whole "us turning your country into a charred crater" thing behind you and join us at a nuke summit.


Dung: Well thank you, we take the issue very--


Biden: Hey, you know what rhymes with nuke? Goo--


Axelrod: Mr. Prime Minister! Right this way, please. The luncheon is out back.


Biden: See you at the cookout, Dung. Hell of a last name. Hilarious.

Biden: ...President Jintao?


Indonesian Vice President Boediono: …No. I must say the tales of your personality and demeanor hardly do you justice.


Biden: Phenomenal. Thanks for the kind words. I gotta say, I was a little worried about today. I‘ve just been in a funk recently. I thought I was raking it in. Cleared $300k+ this year. Then I go and find out Barry pulled in $5.5 mil last year. He’s literally half may age! It’s goddamn depressing. Good to hear that I’m masking it well.


Boediono: Well, as they say, money doesn’t make you truly happy.


Biden: They do? Huh. Wisdom of Confucius I guess. Lemmee tell you what I’m gonna do special for you. Your Bidenwich is going to have the salami sliced extra thin! Just for you.

Biden: ...All... right... yeah... shit, fuck it. Another one? You’re not Hu Jintao either, I’m guessing. What godforsaken country are you from?


Thai Deputy Prime Minister Trirong Suwankiri: I’m from Thailand.


Biden: What? Do you even have nukes?


Suwankiri: Not as such…


Biden: What are you doing here then? What could you possibly be doing for nuclear security?


Suwankiri: Well we consider it our duty to stop prolifer--


Biden: Thailand? Thailand? This is what I’m reduced to? Where’s Gordon Brown? Where’s Sarkozy and that hot piece of ass he walks around with? Thailand?


Axelrod: Please excuse the Vice-President, he’s under a great deal of stress. This way, sir.

Biden: Thailand? Can you believe this shit, buddy?


Saudi Intelligence Chief Prince Muqrin bin Abdulaziz Al Saud: I… uh… ooh… awkward. This is a most uncomfortable situation.


Biden: I’m Joe-fuckin'-Biden here. I’ve been on the Foreign Relations Committee since Lincoln was in short pants and the best I can do at a nuclear arms summit is a country whose chief export is transsexual whores? After the spread I set out? I bow hunted an elk myself…


Al Saud: I think I’ll just let myself out.

Biden: Now things are looking up! FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES! DAMN RIGHT, I AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ BUT THE BLUES! Yeah!


Nigerian Acting President Goodluck Jonathan: I’m not sure I get the reference…


Biden: FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES! I CAN’T WIN CUZ I GOT NOTHIN’ TO LOSE!! Buddy Guy! At my summit bash!


Jonathan: No, I’m the Nigerian President.


Biden: Fuck! Nothing is going right today. I assume that unless the world has turned to real shit, Nigeria doesn’t have nukes either?


Jonathan: No. But in an anecdote that I am sure you will find amusing, my first name is Goodluck.


Biden: Goodluck? HAW HAW that is hilarious! That isn’t a first name! Lemme guess, that’s just what people kept saying to you whenever you said you were Nigeria’s President? Outstanding. And your last name is a first name! HAW HAW HAW! I’m gonna tell Davesy to give you extra ‘fixins.


Jonathan: I thought you would be amused by such banalities.


(Jonathan walks off, leaving the VP alone in his thoughts)

Biden: They fobbed off all the losers on me. Me… Joe Biden...


Axelrod: Cheer up. It was probably because they knew you’d make them feel important, like they mattered, like there was a purpose in having Morocco at a nuclear summit. They knew you’d treat them like VIP’s.


Biden: That must be it. Hell, you know how to buck a man up, Axehandle. Hell, it’s not so bad. Got some beers, gonna be cookin’ up some food, gonna show the world the culinary masterpiece known as the Bidenwich! You’re right, it’s gonna be a hell of a day! Where’s Najib? We're gonna tie one on and crank call Harry Reid!


Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, please put your shirt back on.

Our Betters: Joe Cares About the Planet

INT. OVAL OFFICE

Rahm Emanuel: Mr. President, after last week I really don't think we should put Joe in charge of anything too major. Or public. This is a big deal and it means a lot to many of your supporters and fellow lawmakers. There's no reason we can't go with a safer choice.

President Barack Obama: Rahm, I understand your concerns and I sympathize with you, I really do. But he needs a bit of a morale boost and I think he’ll rise to the challenge. You know, this is going to sound absurd, but ever since he was President last week--

Emanuel: He wasn’t President.

Obama: Well, I’ve been noticing a lot of extra cheese in my meals. It’s been the best dining week of my life. I think I owe that to him. I think he’s earned this chance.

Emanuel: I think this is going to blow up in our gosh darn faces.

Obama: Keepin' that language in check. Good boy!

(tosses Rahm a treat)

Emanuel: (chewing) Thanks. All right, sir, where is the Vice-President?

Obama: I think Katie said the sound of hard ass slapping and jocular guffawing was heard near the West Wing.

(off key singing of “Mercy Mercy Me (The Ecology)”, drawing closer)

Obama: Here we are.

(door flies open)

Vice-President Joe Biden: Fellas! How the hell are you?

(looks around)

Biden: What do you think, is all this shit in here compostable? Biodegradable? Carbon neutral?

(slaps Obama on the ass, then on the Blackberry holster)

Biden: How many amps is this bastard pumping out?

Obama: Joe, that’s not wise, I think you--

Biden: Just wanted to show you how seriously I’m taking this environmental thing now that you’ve put me in charge of the entire Earth Day.

Emanuel: The White House celebration of Earth Day.

Biden: Like I said, the entire Earth Day. Man, what an honor. I literally have one hell of a day planned.

Obama: We are certainly interested in hearing your proposal.

Rahm: (mumbling) Like I'm interested in a fucking catheter.

(Obama shoots Rahm and angry glance)

Biden: Aw hell, it’s fantastic. We start off with some tree-plantin’ ceremonies, kids of all ethnicities holding hands and shit. Then we move to Al Gore giving his giant presentation at the Mall, a green technology exhibition at the Smithsonian, and we finish it off with a nighttime concert by Skynyrd powered entirely by wind.

(a few seconds of deafening silence, which Biden doesn't seem to notice)

Obama: You know, that doesn’t sound half-bad.

Emanuel: Yeah… I’m almost kind of impressed. And suddenly terrified.

Biden: That’s not even the best part. I’m fixin’ to set up a bona fide coup de grace. Big talent. Sinatra big! Speaking of…. Flo!!! FLO!!!

(voice comes from outside Oval Office)

Presidential Secretary Katie Johnson: *sighs* Yes, Mr. Vice-President?

Biden: Where is our guest of honor?

Johnson: He just arrived at the front door, he should be here any moment.

Biden: Aw hell. Guys, could you do me a favor? I really need to impress this guy and it won't help if I have you two standin’ behind me while I’m trying to finalize a deal on saving the planet. You guys mind clearing out?

Obama: This is my office, Joe, and we have a great deal of bus--

Biden: Phenomenal! Thanks for helping a guy out.

(Shoves Emanuel and Obama through the back entrance to the Oval Office)

Biden: Oh God, I hope this goes well. Oh God, oh God...

(door flies open)


James Cameron: Mr. Vice-President! I SEE YOU!

Biden: Jimmy! I can see you too. Eyes. Hell of a thing.

Cameron: No. I… SEE... YOU.

Biden: Stellar. Come sit down, let’s talk. Jimbo, I saw Avatar with one of my grandkids. Loved it. Had a hell of a time. Cat monkeys. Tree cities. Sigourney Weaver. 3-D. Hell that damn red dragon thing scared me so bad my 5 year old granddaughter could barely get me to look back at the screen.

Cameron: I’m glad you enjoyed it my monumentally important film that was a game-changer in terms of the way movies are presented to an audience. That I made.

Biden: I wouldn’t know about that. Last film I saw in theatres was Bringing Up Baby. But my granddaughter, Janice is her name… wait… FLO!!!

Johnson: Yes.

Biden: Is Janice the one I saw the blue Pocahontas cat monkey movie with?

Johnson: I’m fairly sure you don’t have a granddaughter named Janice.

Biden: Then who the hell am I thinking of? I’m not thinking of that sexy musician muppet, am I?

Johnson: I wouldn’t even know where to begin…

(Biden turns back to Cameron)

Biden: Anyway, the brown-haired granddaughter told me that Avatar had a strong environmental message. So naturally, I think you’d be a perfect fit as the guest of honor for our Earth Day ceremonies.

Cameron: Yes, the environment is very important to me. That’s why I’m releasing Avatar on DVD and Blu-Ray this Earth Day. For me, the fight for the earth is a cause comparable to World War II. That’s why I used my movie that I made as a brilliantly subtle attack on militarism and anti-environmentalism. I can’t stand those who stand in the way of climate progress. I want to call those deniers out into the street at high noon and shoot it out with those boneheads. Anybody that is a global-warming denier at this point in time has got their head so deeply up their ass I’m not sure they could hear me.

Biden: Superb. I literally love that imagery. So it’s settled then: you’ll be the guest of honor, maybe we’ll do a special screening of Avatar, you can meet Janice, and I’ll get to ride one of those giant mechs with the huge Bowie knives.

Cameron: Agreed. Except about the mech part. Those were computer-generated mechs, Joe. I know I can make a convincing epic that blows your mind with how photo real and game changing it is that I made but those mechs weren’t real. Clearly.

Biden: Outta sight. I can’t wait to climb in one, maybe make Harry Reid shit himself again! But listen, this Earth Day thing isn’t the only reason I called you in. I may be the Veep, but that’s only a part time gig, Jim-Jam. I’m also a dynamic creative force, just like you.

(moves uncomfortably close to Cameron)

Biden: I got this idea for a movie. It’s the future and everyone is an orange dog person. Because of the environment. And there’s this guy and he’s the chosen guy. Huge deal. Up and comer. Real sad back story about losing family. Life spent on the Intergalactic Relations Committee. Then, just when he thinks he’s about to assume his rightful place as Space Leader of The Space Planet, a younger, darker orange dog guy cuts in front and relegates our hero to Vice-Space Leader. And they yell at him, send him on embarrassing diplomatic mission to Neo-Israel, talk about him behind his back, and are all like “Joe, stop abusing Harry Reid! Joe, Friday is not pants optional! Joe, stay out of the Presidential residence after midnight, you’re scaring the children!”

Cameron: What?

Biden: So you think you’ll make it? I figure I pick up a fee and some points on the back end. Some real Fuck You money, ya know? Who am I kidding, of course you know! You're Jimmy C!

Cameron: Listen, i don't care about money, I care about saving the world for my kids. That I made. How about that? Impressed? Of course you are.

Biden: I even have the hit theme figured out. Its a little scat-based number I came up with. Forget Celine Dion, I’ll power this baby to #1 myself.

Biden: SKEE DOPPLE BE DOPPLE DEE DOPPLE DWEE!

Biden: YEAAAAAAAAH! WOO WOO WOO WOO WOO!

Biden: OOOOOOO! SKEE WOOZLE BE DOOZLE BE DOPPLE DWEE DUM!

Biden: OH! SKEE DOPPLE BE DOPPLLE DWEEEEEE!

Biden: Croonin'! What do you think?

Cameron: The whole enterprise is a little hackneyed and unoriginal, even by my standards.

Biden: Look, you can either be a part of this Earth Day thing, give me a mech, and produce my movie or... maybe you’re the next US film ambassador to Kabul. You ever been to Kabul? Worse than Scranton.

Cameron: You know, now that I think about it, this just might work. And I know Michael Biehn is available…

Biden: Glad you see it my way.

Our Betters: Joe assesses a successful first week

INT. OVAL OFFICE


Rahm Emanuel: Listen, I don’t know what to do at this point. The POTUS wants his ass out of this office as fast as humanly possible, but with minimal ego bruising. We’ve been trying for the past few days, but he just doesn’t seem to get the hint. You’ve worked with him for a while, maybe you have some ideas.


Ronald Klain: Don’t put this shit on me. I may be his Chief of Staff, but that doesn’t mean I know how that tangled snarl of madness between his ears works.

Emanuel: Fuck that! This situation needs to be rectified! Where is he?

Klain: I have no idea… wait….

(perks ears up)

Klain: I think….

(distant sound of ass slapping)

Klain: He draws near…

(off-key singing of "Hail to the Chief", drawing closer)

Klain: Three... two...

(door flies open)


President Joe Biden: Fellas! How the hell are you doing? I feel like I could literally run through a brick wall, cock-first!

(slaps both on the ass, hard)

Biden: My old Chief of Staff and my new Chief of Staff together. Rumblin’, tumblin’, swapping notes, talkin’ shop. Fantastic! Ronnie buddy, I miss the hell out of you!

(awkwardly massages Klain’s shoulders)

Biden: Enough of that sentimental horseshit. It’s time we got down to the hard business of discussing the Biden Presidency.

Emanuel: Yeah… about that. You see…

Biden: I think it’s been a pretty damn good first few days, if you don’t mind my saying. We’ve hit the ground running.

Klain: No, see…

Biden: We’re literally fixin’ the problems of the American people. But I have my concerns about how smoothly the Biden Presidency is running…

Emanuel: Sir, you aren’t President. As we’ve made clear: just because President Obama went to Kabul doesn’t mean he “abdicated” or that you were in charge or anything. You are not the President.

Biden: Now, these concerns about my Presidency aren’t a reflection on any problems I have with you Rahm, or how smoothly you’ve run things. But I want things smoother. Baby’s ass smooth! That’s the kind of ship I used to run when I was the Veep, right Ron Jovi?

Klain: *sighs* You’re still the Vice-President…

Biden: First order of business: Michelle. Is she my wife now? Because I already have a wife. Jill. Doctor. Hell of a lass. I’m not saying’ Papa Joe wouldn’t mind a little double trouble, but there was some tension last night at dinner. I didn’t know whether to kiss Michelle or which of the little ones was Sasha and which one was Malia or what. Can I get a ruling?

Emanuel: You aren’t the fucking President. Michelle Obama isn’t your wife. Stay out of the residence. I don’t know why you would even think…

Biden: Second order of business….. Flo! FLO!!!

(a voice comes from outside the Oval Office)


Katherine Johnson: For the last time Mr. Vice-President my name is not “Flo”. My name is Katherine. Some people even choose to call me Katie…

Biden: Outstanding, Flo. How ‘bout you get us men a couple of scotches and sodas and some scotches without soda. Am I right!

(Biden punches Klain in the sternum, laughs.)

Johnson: Again, I am not a drinks girl. Nor am I here to get your laundry. I am the Personal Secretary to the President. And again, you are not the President.


Biden: Women in the workplace! Unbelievable. Now, back to what I was saying. I think that there are some staffing problems in my White House.

Emanuel: Dear God, shut up and leave.

Biden: I’m talking about the kitchen staff, mostly. Had a five-cheese pasta with my wife, Michelle, and the kids last night. I swear… I could only taste four.


Biden: Fontina… I think it was missing fontina....

(snaps back)


Biden: Anyway… you know what? FLO!!!

Johnson: Mr. Vice-Pres…

Biden: Belay that drink order. Get the entire White House staff up here right now.

Johnson: *sighs and dies a little inside* Fine.

Biden: Time to get down a jaw with them, Biden style. Right, Ronstoppable?

(White House staff crowds into Oval Office)


Biden: Come on in, make yourselves comfortable. People, I think this new Administration has the chance to be great, literally great. But it isn’t just us suits in the offices drinkin’ hot toddies that make the gears of this country spin; it’s the little people too. Lemme relate to you an unrelated story.

Klain: Oh God…

(Biden clears throat, wells up with pride)

Biden: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m from Scranton. Awful place. But back there they had a swimmin’ hole in a quarry that we used to dive in to from literally a hundred feet up. And we’d dive into it. The frightening part was you go down really far, I mean literally really far. So deep it's totally black. Your chest constricts, you panic and you don't know whether you're swimming down or up. But when you get about 12 to 14 feet from the top you see light and everything is OK. You're still 12 feet underwater, but it's OK. You see light.

(puzzled staff looks at Emanuel and Klain)

Biden: That's the American people, man. We've gotta give them light.

(strolls into the audience, pointing with both hands toward a sun-lit windows)

Emanuel: What the fuck?

Biden: So just give them the light. Whether it’s stopping yourself from calling me the Vice-President or not skimping on cheeses in dinner dishes or siding with the First Lady when she throws me out of the Presidential bed… we gotta get this ship tightened up! For the American people!

(smoke begins wafting in under the Oval Office door)

Emanuel: Thank fucking God.

(door flies open, cigarette smoke envelopes the room)


President Barack Obama: What the fuck is going on? Why is the entire goddamn staff in here? No one’s giving tours, opening doors, keeping watch, doing work. Seriously, what the fuck?

Biden: Barry! Well, you see... what was…

Obama: A 14-hour overnight flight from Kabul and I come back to this shit? For the last time, Joe, get the fuck out of my office and back to the Vice-Presidential residence. Don't make me ship you to the Middle East again.


Vice-President Joe Biden: *mumbling* Yes sir.

(does Charlie Brown walk out of Oval Office)

Obama: Everyone leave! Go do your jobs! This is supposed to be a serious place of business.

(everyone exits the Oval Office)

Emanuel: Thank you. We just couldn’t get him to leave.

Klain: I’ll up his meds or something.

Obama: No, no. I knew the score when I put him on the ticket. *sighs* You think Hillary or Evan Bayh would have given us this much hassle?

Emanuel: No fuckin' way, sir.

(Obama snaps fingers, points at swear jar)

Obama: Folding money, Rahm.

Our Betters: A Celebratory Evening in the Oval Office

Barack Obama: Congratulations, Madame Speaker. You did it. We've finally passed the health care bill.

Nancy Pelosi: I can't take all the credit, Mr. President. We all worked to make this happen.

Harry Reid: Fingers crossed, we'll get this through the Senate without much trouble.

(Rahm Emanuel emerges from dumbwaiter)

Emanuel: Mr. President, as soon as you're done sucking each other's dicks, we really need to move on.

(Obama smacks Emanuel with rolled up newspaper)

Obama: Rahm, what did I tell you about using such language in the Oval Office?

Emanuel: Sorry, Mr. President. Won't happen again. Now, if we could just--

(distant jangling of ice in a glass)

Pelosi: What was that?

(barely audible cackling)

Reid: Mr. President, I thought you sent him to Israel?

Emanuel: That was weeks ago, fuckwit.

(Obama sprays water bottle in Emanuel's face)

Emanuel: Sorry, sir.

(off-key singing of "I Wanna be an Airborne Ranger", drawing closer)

Emanuel: Oh, shit.

(Obama shakes coffee can filled with coins)

Obama: SHHH! Ok, everybody. Try to be polite. With any luck, he'll get bored and wander off. And Harry, don't look him in the eye. No one look him in the eye. Remember what happened last time?

Reid: I'd rather not, sir.

(door flies open)

Joe Biden: JOHN BOEHNER CAN LITERALLY SUCK MY FUCKING TAINT!

(throws empty glass against wall)

Biden: How come nobody told me we were celebrating in here? I'd have brought whores. And more liquor. And whores!

(lights fresh cigarillo, throws match on floor)

Obama: Well, Joe, this thing isn't quite over. We're putting together a strategy to--

Biden: My entire ass! We stomped those bitches to jelly! Them and their crazy, racist, tea-bagging vandal underlings. Did you hear those cretins are tossing bricks through windows? This is a big fuckin' deal, people! Holy fuck, I love Democracy!

(produces half-empty bottle of bourbon and four shot glasses from jacket)

Biden: That senate shit can wait a minute. Time to sack up and party. All you bitches, drink my shots!

(punches Reid in the shoulder)

Biden: You like that? One of my poker buddies literally taught me that. I think it's some sort of Native American toast. Or maybe Irish.

(takes long pull on bottle. Everyone drinks. Pelosi coughs. Biden slaps her on the ass. Hard.)

Biden: Haw! Broads in politics. What'll they think of next? Good shit, huh? Hey, Rahm!

Emanuel: Yeah?

(Biden punches Emanuel square in the face. Emanuel crumples to the carpet.)

Biden: Damn, kid, you've got a jaw like a cinderblock. I fuckin' love ya! Know what that taste in your mouth is?

Emanuel: Blood?

Biden: Bullshit! That's the taste of victory, you scheming little cock-puncher! Fuck, we gave 'em the Sioux City Sarsparilla, the ole Tuscaloosa Tango, the Tulsa Tornado, the Birmingham Bromide. We buttered their bean. We peppered their porridge. We fought and bit and scrapped and kicked and....

(Biden starts bobbing and weaving, shadowboxing what is either a small child or large midget.)

Biden: Hoo hah! I'm gonna getcha, you rascal!

(Biden slowly realizes everyone is staring at him and rights himself.)

Biden: Fuck man, be proud! I shat myself twice today, this legislation is so good. Hey Harry, come here.

Reid: I, uh...

Biden: I said get over here!

(Reid walks slowly toward Biden, who puts his hands on Reid's shoulders, tousles his hair and speaks in a fatherly voice.)

Biden: Now, Harry, you know the ball is literally in your court now. This is some serious shit. The Progressive movement has been waiting decades for us to move toward a more just, equitable and affordable health care system. And we are finally on the verge of giving this country just that. Now, when this bill goes over to the senate... hey, why are you staring at the floor?

(Reid looks at ceiling.)

Reid: I... I'm not.

Biden: Goddammit, son. Look me in the eye when I'm talking at you.

(Reid looks at Obama, who sighs and buries his face in his palm.)

Reid: I... uh, I'd rather--

Biden: LOOK ME IN THE FUCKING EYE!

(Reid obliges. Biden's eyes widen and then he just stares into space, a smirk locked in place.)

(The five of them stand there, silent. Emanuel waves a hand slowly in front of Biden's face, which doesn't move.)

Pelosi: Not again...

(Reid whimpers. Biden snaps back into consciousness.)

Biden: Huh? What the... you eyeballin' me, boy?

Reid: No, I, uh...

Biden: I think you are. Only time you stare at something that way is if you plan to fuck it or kill it. You want to fuck me, Harry?

Reid: No! Mr. Vice President, I--

Biden: THEN BATTLE IT IS! DEFEND YOURSELF!

(Biden produces giant claymore, swinging it wildly above his head and chasing Reid around the room.)

Reid: Help! Mr. President! Do something!

Obama: Hey Joe! It's Taco Tuesday in the cafeteria!

(Biden stops running, drops his sword, picks up his whiskey, and smooths out his rumpled suit.)

Biden: Gentlemen. Madame Speaker.

(Biden runs out of room.)

Reid: Thank you, Mr. President.

Pelosi: That was close.

Emanuel: At least the Secret Service confiscated his trident, thank Christ.

(Obama claps once, very loud.)

Obama: Rahm, that goes for blasphemy as well.

Emanuel: Sorry, sir.