Cheap Blogging Crutch 7.22

The Pursuit of Teen Girl Purity
Time looks at the concept of purity balls and finds it to be awesome. Their wrongness aside, this article should be read just for the sheer number of penis/vagina metaphors and double entendres that are knowingly and excitedly worked into these ceremonies. Just remember men: if you have a daughter it is your job to swat away menacing penises like some cock obsessed Patrick Roy.

Leahy Gets Knifed By Deceased Heath Ledger
Did you see Dark Knight this weekend? If you did, you might have noticed that the man being menaced by the Joker at the party scene is none other than Batman-buff and US Senator Patrick Leahy. Lesser known is the fact that Leahy fought crime, vigilante style, as the Adjudicator until a groin injury forced him into early retirement last year. He murdered John Dillinger with his bare hands.

Last-Ditch Resort: Move Polar Bears to Antarctica?
Science is officially out of ideas. If global warming continues to increase and ice decreases scientists are just going to load up hundreds of bears on a boat and move them somewhere colder. As a bonus all penguin/polar bear cartoons now become science fact. Larson saw the future man.

Crowd blinded by lasers at Russian rave
A bunch of people who voluntarily went to a rave in the 21st century and not as a result of time fracture or extras casting for a Blade movie, were blinded by lasers. Proving that Darwin is up there, smiling down upon us all.

Who Will Die?: Computer Predicts Which Death Row Inmates Will Be Executed
Using only the metrics of sex, age, race, highest year of school completed, and the state in which they were incarcerated, a computer was able to guess with 92% accuracy which inmates on death row would be executed and which would simply be imprisoned for life. Yet another statistic that shows that the capital punishment system in this country is grossly flawed and maybe states shouldn't be in the killing business.

Octopus sex man avoids jail
Beloved hero and crime fighter Octopus-Sex Man was able to avoid jail time for his recent battle against the vile Dr. Manatee that destroyed parts of downtown Sydney. He was acquitted on charges of vigilantism, destruction of public property, and assault. He lives to fight another day and protect fair Australia from all threats oceanic.