TULSA, OK--Tragedy struck the Yablonski-Simon wedding yesterday, as both ceremony and reception were burdened by sunshine, interfamilial courtesy, and an unprecedented refusal to drink heavily.
Trouble began at the outdoor ceremony, conducted under a cloudless sky absent of any blood-sucking or stinging insects. The proceedings were frequently interrupted only by what guests later referred to as “a pleasant breeze.”
As the assembled crowd strolled roughly 100 yards across a fallow field to the reception, many were eager to curse the ideal conditions and, simultaneously, their own sad lives. “I was furious,” said one of the groom’s family members on the condition of anonymity. “When I got married I had to suffer through two fist fights within the bridal party, a vaguely anti-Semitic speech by the pastor, and an all-holy piss down of rain. Not to mention the cretin I had to vomit vows at. I gotta say, when I felt that breeze, I died a little inside.”
The despicable torrent of pleasantness continued on into the reception. Despite the presence of an open bar and four kegs of Miller Genuine Draft, guests conducted themselves in a manner that could only be described as unerringly civil and sober. This restraint was particularly surprising given the presence of at least eight military veterans, none of whom compared disfigurements, discussed the horrors of combat in front of children, or displayed casual racism towards enemies past. Even the inclusion of several active trade union members and former fraternity brothers failed to spark one drinking game, swearing contest, or ill-timed penis appearance.
As the event plowed on in an insultingly fulfilling manner, family insiders began to pin their derailment hopes on one Uncle Frank. Affectionately referred to as "That Fat Drunk Bastard Frank" by his family, Uncle Frank's record includes seven arrests (at five weddings), two mid-ceremony streakings, and a mouth that has provoked fistfights with ranking clergy of four separate faiths.
Hopes rose halfway through the reception when Uncle Frank wrested the mic from Jimmy "All Love Baby" McMichael, the event's MC. But all Frank would serve up was disillusionment. After launching into a moving speech about commitment, forgiveness, and the importance of family, Frank failed to even insult the bride, bring up inappropriate tales of sexual congress, engage in petty grudges, or reveal long held family secrets. Uncle Frank's moving tribute to the, sadly, happy couple ended when his words moved the newlyweds to kiss in what could only be described as a moment of true affection and love.
“It was just unbearable,” remarked guest Victor Lewis. “To just see two people up there and in love, getting married in the most harmonious of circumstances, surrounded by loved ones, everything going perfectly. It really makes you feel empty and alone, like a pathetic shell of a human acting out emotions and feelings he doesn’t have anymore just to pretend to be like everyone else while the great black void devours his soul remnants on the inside.”
As the day ended with a perfect sunset the guests reflected on the joviality of the entire day, their secret petty hatred of the happiness that they could no longer feel, and the love for their spouses that had withered and died over the years.
This morning even the groom seemed disappointed by the turn of events. “How will the story of this wedding hold the interest of the ultra-depraved children of the future? They’ll scarcely be able to look up from their gun sights and human flesh hunks to even listen to me tell about what a wedding was like before the dark times. I mean, after the World Rape, no one is going to give a damn about a story about awe-inspiring joy and love. Certainly not the Flesh Reavers or the Fascist League of Body Mutilators.”
When it was pointed out to the groom that disappointment over the lack of embarrassing shameful behavior at the wedding could in and of itself be a defining black mark on the wedding, the groom just sighed. “I’d like to hope so. I really would. But we both know that’s just not the way the world works. No one remembers the small internal failures of absence, only the soul-crushing breakdowns dug like a scar onto the face of time itself.”
The only hope now is for an eventful divorce. But with yesterday’s wedding fresh in everyone’s mind, those hopes are faded and distant.
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