But... aren't the homeless carbon-neutral?

Denver's got a damn fascinating tactic for dealing with its homeless during next month's Democratic National Convention: They're going to hide them.

Hundreds of Denver's homeless could be cooling their heels in a movie theater or museum while the Democratic National Convention is in town next month.

The Colorado Coalition for the Homeless plans to get 500 movie tickets as well as passes to the Denver Zoo, Denver Museum of Nature and Science and other cultural facilities for the people it helps.

Bus tickets will be provided for events beyond walking distance, said John Parvensky, the non-profit's president.

Strange, no mention of return tickets...

And you thought we were excited about Barrypalooza before. Now we get footage of alcoholics and drug addicts throwing their own shit back at the zoo monkeys! Maybe some psychologically crippled war veterans hitting up a Wall-E matinee that (please, god) is also being attended by a local youth church group! And maybe, just maybe, some 78-year-old widow with Parkinson's living below the poverty line -- just like 14% of the city's population -- will move into an igloo in the museum's Arctic section because "it seemed like a nice, quiet place to die."

But these scenes are merely our version of prayer. What really, truly matters, is that the streets of Denver will be cleared of the homeless so the one major party that at least pretends to give a shit about society's most marginalized and vulnerable citizens can speak with great passion, optimism, and hope... about reaching out to society's most marginalized and vulnerable citizens.

If only Denver had corralled the Republican Convention, Rudy Giuliani could have flown out there months ahead of time and shown them how to set up the homeless furnaces that keep white Manhattan toasty warm in wintertime.

Still, not all hope is lost. Denver has its holdouts. And I'm pretty sure These Bastards has a new Patron Saint, who shares our plans for the convention, assuming our press credentials ever arrive...

Ronnie Wand, who was panhandling across the street, said he will believe the free tickets when he sees them.

"I don't care," said the 62-year-old, who expects to land in jail for vagrancy during the DNC.