Tuesday, June 30, 2009

You should hear Neil Armstrong's prog-metal album

Actual moon walkin', aviatin', astronautin', sometimes cantankerous, dares you to call the moon landing fake to his face, space God Buzz Aldrin, aka Doc Rendezvous (that is not a joke), drops his newest rap hit "Rocket Experience". I'm assuming it's about his actual rocket/lunar module/space experience and not just a metaphor for the considerable amount tail he must have pulled back in the day.

You can buy the song on iTunes and the proceeds go to the ShareSpace Foundation, to further benefit and support the work of the National Space Society, the Planetary Society and the Astronaut Scholarship Foundation. There is also a "making of" video with with Snoop Dogg, Talib Kweli, Quincy Jones, and Soulja Boy.

Broken In Brief: Keith Richards coldly adds Michael Jackson’s name to list of musicians he’s outlived

TOP OF A COCONUT TREE—Today representatives for the Rolling Stones announced that, as has been his customary ritual, that nigh-immortal guitarist Keith Richards, 65, added the King of Pop’s name to a list of musicians he had outlived. The entry was made in between fits of laughter, coughing, and intermittent bouts of lucidity.

“We were informed through his handlers and translators that Mr. Richards not only scrawled Jackson’s name in the book but made reference to reports of his death relating to drugs, before making a nearly unintelligible remark about Mr. Jackson being a ‘grotty little week kneed Nancy’,” revealed Stones spokeswoman Theodora Mitchell. “The tome of course is the same leather bound book that Mr. Richards, during a brief bit of sobriety in 1978, discovered was in his possession and evidently turned out to be a diary that he had been writing in for the previous decade. As is customary we are told he inscribed Jackson’s name on the list, which now reaches nearly 40 pages, with a pen he crudely made out of chunks of black tar heroin.”

The list is something Richards started when, during a routine physical for the 1989 Steel Wheels Tour, a physician remarked to the guitarist that his blood legally qualified as a poison, that his physiology resembled some sort of hybrid between a undead zombie and a piece of beef jerky, and that casual estimates put the number of times Mr. Richards should have died in the “low thousands.” It was at this point that Richards created the list as a defiant means of marking his ability to survive decades of fame, money, and constant intoxication inside the music industry and chart his progress as what he called “God’s perfect specimen.”

Sources close to Mr. Richards note that after putting Jackson’s name down he went back to sleep, but not before asking his staff to send a snide bouquet to the funeral and asking his assistant to remind him to send a note to Amy Winehouse expressing his admiration for her lifestyle.

So much crazy

Aardvark aficionado Glen Beck and Michelle Bachmann discuss the encroaching liberal horror and tyranny of the census, and whether Obama's Stasi will just imprison the brave souls who refuse to fill out the forms because they believed in something Bachmann said, or whether they'll all just be rounded up into interment camps after their neighbors are ordered to spy on them for the Census overlords.

One silver lining to the latest example of Michelle Bachmann's stunning paranoid stupidity: if she convinces as little as a few thousand Minnesotans to not fill out census forms Minnesota would lose a Census verified/population determined House seat, of which hers is the most likely to be eliminated. So keep on keepin' on Michelle. Self negate. Plus if you do end up eliminating your own seat I want to hear the new crazy conspiracy theories about how the Illuminati or whoever removed you from office to silence you.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.30

How a Loophole Benefits GE in Bank Rescue
Want to know how GE is able to garner billions in business loans from the TARP program despite not being a bank? So would the government. Thanks to loopholes, namely that GE literally owns two banks in Utah, they get to borrow money at a low interest rate to fund the rest of their bullshit. And you were worried that our elected betters were going to write, enact, and oversee these programs in a shoddy manner.

Ahmadinejad Calls for Investigation Into 'Suspicious' Death of Neda Soltan
What are the odds that she was covertly murdered by either American or British forces seeking to destabilize the legitimately elected government of Iran? It's a shame OJ got framed or else he'd be able to help hunt for the real killers with Mahmoud on some Iranian golf course.

Cheney Worried That Iraq Withdrawal Will ‘Waste’ The Sacrifice By U.S. Troops
The Dick seems to think that anything less than staying in Iraq for eternity will mean that American soldiers lives were wasted or something. You know what I think might have helped contribute to the "wasting" of US soldier's "sacrifice"? All those years the Bush administration spent wasting US soldier's sacrifices. But then again, maybe someone will finally uncover those weapons of mass destruction and ties to al-Qaeda in a way that completely validates Cheney and Rumsfeld's strategies for the first couple of years of this war.

Romney: Republicans ‘Believe In Allowing People To Have Choice In Their Health Care’ — Except A Public Option
Mitt Romney came out and outlined what the GOP wants the American citizen to get in any proposed health care program that none of them will ever vote for. They definitely want you to have choice and they definitely want things to be cheaper, they just don't see the need to do that in anyway that means you actually get a choice or cheaper health care. Glad that's all cleared up.

"The Commission Has Been Road-Blocked": Republicans' War On The FEC
Did you know that the FEC is a fucked over pile of burning shit that refuses to prosecute election violations because Bush packed it with people who are ideologically opposed to the existence of the FEC? Now you do. Give it a read, it involves criminal actions to suppress and intimidate voters and donations going unpunished and a comical appearance by a person described as "Tom Delay's ethics lawyer."

Michael Jackson's Last Video: One Of The Sets Was A Cemetery

Are you ready for the hundreds of pieces where news organizations take one small thing about Michael Jackson's work and then blow it up to intimate that he was presaging his own demise? Here's one of the first. Christ, I hope no one shows them the Thriller video.

Iran's Post-Election Uprising: Hopes & Fears Revealed
A little tale on Iranian voting, the coup, and the crackdowns all done in the style of Persepolis, of which you should read or watch.

MGM Digital Media
Want the ability to watch several of MGM's most terrible and cheaply made movies on YouTube? Great news then, you can either watch an Inspector Clouseau movie that has Alan Arkin in it instead of Peter Sellers, an Amityville sequel, the Casino Royale that doesn't have Daniel Craig in it, or one of Robert Townsend's lesser works. I don't know what we would have done if you didn't put these up MGM.

This seems important

I'm no Iraq expert. I mean I know the important stuff: blame Bush, bitch about it not making us safer, "RUMSFELD!!!!", cryptically allude to oil prices, "it had nothing to do with 9/11", and casually joke about the kind of chaos that will reign when we leave. But other than that I'm of no particular genius about the situation. So, uh, doesn't US troops officially withdrawing from every city seem like something that should have been mentioned once or twice by our government? No aircraft carrierlandings, maybe just a post-it note on the communal fridge. It seems fairly important.
Iraqi forces assumed formal control of Baghdad and other cities Tuesday after American troops handed over security in urban areas in a defining step toward ending the U.S. combat role in the country. A countdown clock broadcast on Iraqi TV ticked to zero as the midnight deadline passed for U.S. combat troops to finish their pullback to bases outside cities.

"The withdrawal of American troops is completed now from all cities after everything they sacrificed for the sake of security," said Sadiq al-Rikabi, a senior adviser to Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. "We are now celebrating the restoration of sovereignty."

The Pentagon did not offer any comment to mark the passing of the deadline.
This was a big day for Iraqi's, filled with many celebrations and bitchy comments about how mean we are. I say celebrations, but the only people who celebrated were those who weren't afraid to go outside because they feared large scale violence. Hell there was even a ceremony where we handed over keys to the Defense Ministry. I'm not sure if they were the real keys or ceremonial keys, but there could be awkwardness if the Iraqis lose the keys and we have to make them copies from the set we secretly kept. At least we didn't hand them a crowbar and handwritten instructions from a private on how to jimmy the door open. We even threw a military parade to celebrate....so people were told. It was in the Green Zone, inaccessible to citizens, and media was essentially barred from covering it, but it was alleged to have happened.

So congratulations Iraq on your kinda sorta "sovereignty". Sure we're just over the hill watching you, you don't really control anything, and we'll take it all back if we deem you unable to properly run things, but enjoy it. Sure we barely even remember we're still in Iraq, but I'm sure this might have been an important day for you that we totally would have covered if not for a musician dying.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Art of the day

Via artist Spacesick comes the "I Can Read Movies" Series where movies are rendered as 60's/70's era book covers.

Video of the day

Mastodon - Oblivion

Mastodon is given control of NASA and wacky hi-jinks ensue. As per Mastodon video tradition they all hallucinate/trip balls, unleash evil with the power of RAWK~!, and are dead/murdered by the end. This follows their video for Divinations where they crash in the mountains and the power of their metal unfreezes an ancient caveman who wails out a solo then kills and devours the band.

I can't wait for video #3, I betting it will involve an exploring theme, the power of metal unleashing something horrible, and the band's gruesome killing at the hands of said beast.


Madoff Sentenced to 150 Years for Ponzi Scheme

Shit, here I was sitting all smugly waiting to put up some post comparing mandatory minimums for drugs to the assuredly light sentence Madoff would get for stealing billions of dollars. Then they had to go and give him the maximum 150 years sentence. Ouch. If there's any consolation it's that the world will be a wondrous new place that will finally have flying cars and shit when he walks out those prison gates in 2159 at the ripe old age of 221.

Just kidding, he'll be long dead and un-mourned. Is there any chance we can get the judge to make sure the body stays in the prison for the full 150 years? Lacquer the corpse up, mount in on a wall, and leave it there as a message to all the little country club kids who come in for the "Scared Straight: White Collar Edition" program.

Guns+church is the new chocolate+peanut butter

Kentucky pastor welcomes guns in church
A gun-toting Kentucky pastor says it's OK to bring weapons to church — at least for one day.

Ken Pagano asked his flock to bring their unloaded handguns — in holsters — to New Bethel Church in Louisville for a celebration of the Second Amendment of the U.S. Consitution that guarantees the right to bear arms.

More than 200 people answered his call. There was just one rule for the several dozen who brought their guns along: No bullets.
No bullets? Liberal pussy. Guns in church, only in America. This is a new one. Or is it an old one? Did they allow you to slap iron in the House of God during the Old West days? Because I don't think they did. Have the good people of Kentucky actually shown us a way we've regressed morally from the lawless frontier days? That's innovation. And to think it's because they have had their fears stoked by the election of a black man to the White House love the 2nd Amendment so much.

What was that Jesus said after he unloaded his Magnum into the face of one Roman Centurion and stood over the beaten body of another, gun cocked and pointed at the man's groin? Something about losing count of all the bullets he fired during the commotion and wondering if the Centurion felt "lucky", right? It was in the Bible, Harold 3:57. The "Jesus on the Edge" Parable. I think the message was "It's better to wield a weapon under the influence of religion, than under the influence of alcohol." Or maybe it was worse, I don't really remember.

If you weren't able to go, you did miss a hell of a time. There was a $1 raffle of a handgun and firearms safety lessons, a picnic, a man who accidentally fired a shot into one of the "Stations of the Cross" murals, and only one child was pistol whipped in the foyer for "all that talkin' he been doin' durin' the sermon." I'm just glad that during these troubling times that people are stopping and taking the time to so clearly take to heart and understand the message of Jesus. Like these people.......who carry guns in church.

Headline of the day: No shit edition

Crackdown In Iran Puts Mousavi in Tight Spot

Wow, stunning insight Washington Post. But I'm curious, what about this whole situation do you think puts him in such a tight spot? Is it the fact that he's leading and uprising against the corrupt government and clerics that fixed an election? Is it that he is the #1 enemy of the military, political, and religious elite who stole the election? Or is it the fact that his facial hair and amount of time he's spent outside make him vulnerable to infestation from the Persian Beard Weevil?

I eagerly await tomorrow's stories "Iranian clerics might not be fully acting with respect to the law", "Questions arise about validity of Ahmadinejad's election", and "Iran may be dangerous and unstable, but I'm not totally sure yet."

Well then, I don't know what everyone is complaining about

Iran Extends Deadline for Election Inquiry
As officials began a limited recount of Iran’s disputed presidential ballot on Monday, authorities in Tehran said they had extended by five days their deadline to investigate opposition claims of electoral fraud. The move could postpone the final certification of the ballot, which Iranian leaders insist was fair.
The Guardian Council, a 12-member clerical panel charged with vetting and authenticating the June 12 vote, said on Monday that Mr. Moussavi had offered proposals to “rebuilt public trust” after more than two weeks of rallies and protests by the opposition that have drawn a broad and violent crackdown from government security forces.

Press TV, the English-language state satellite broadcaster, said the council had found Mr. Moussavi’s proposals to be “positive.” It did not say what they were.
Whew! I was afraid there that all the complex and logistical challenges that election recounts and inquiries take wouldn't have the full amount of time to be completed. I mean with all those ballots cast, it takes a lot of time to pretend that they are being counted and pretend that laws are being followed. They don't want to make the mistake that was made on election night when they pretended to count them too fast. If they aren't allowed to fully complete the recount, how will they be able to do stuff like give Ahmadinejad more votes? If the GC doesn't have more time where are they gonna find the balls to pull more moves like that?

I'm just glad that when its all over the Guardian Council will have fully and officially certified two things: 1. Yes, Ahmadinejad won by that ridiculous margin, and 2. Thinking there is a second thing is a sign of revolutionary tendencies, the Basij will be around to beat you shortly. See The West, Iran can do things within its own legal system in a fair and open way...provided you ignore quite a lot.

It's also nice to see that the GC has said that Mir Hossein Mousavi offered up some "positive" solutions for a "rebuilt public trust". Let me guess, those "solutions" involve the security forces getting to beat and arrest anyone in groups larger than 3 and also involves Mousavi's public show trial and imprisonment. Those would be helpful ideas. I was worried this thing was going to spiral out of control.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

He's selling Awesome Augurs to Jesus now

Christ, God really hates celebrities this week. Next up on the Lord's smite-list is TV pitchman Billy Mays. That sound you hear is Shamwow's Vince Shlomi trying not to sound thrilled that he's got the only TV product hawking game left in town.

In honor of Mr. Mays, the only logical place you would go for a Billy Mays tribute, Fuck Yeah Sharks, has been running FYS pics in honor of the man who brought us so many things that we considered buying while drunk in the middle of the night/afternoon. Go with God Billy. Farrah, Ed, and, depending on the accuracy of the child rape allegations, Michael are all waiting for you. Dump a little OxyClean on the ground in tribute.

Note to Iranians

With protest crackdowns continuing, Khamenei continuing to blame the British for everything, calls for the west to stop influencing those damned impressionable Iranian kids, and Jon Bon Jovi making everything better, I have to say I'm not behind all the tactics protesters are using. If you want to overthrow the power structure that is oppressing you and gain the help of members of the government to do it, it's best not to announce your plans ahead of time. Seems to me its the sort of thing that would be frowned upon when announced out loud.
The power struggle inside Iran appears to be moving from the streets into the heart of the regime itself this weekend amid reports that Ayatollah Hashemi Rafsanjani is plotting to undermine the power of Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. Rafsanjani's manoeuvres against Khamenei come as tensions between the speaker of the parliament, Ali Larijani, and President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also appeared to be coming to a head.
In the past few days, Larijani - who was fired by Ahmadinejad as chief negotiator on nuclear issues with the west - has announced his intention of setting up a parliamentary committee to examine the recent post-election violence in an "even-handed way". In response, Ahmadinejad supporters within the parliament have discussed the possibility of impeaching Larijani.

In a move with even greater potential significance, according to several reports Rafsanjani has been lobbying fellow members of the powerful 86-strong Assembly of Experts, which he chairs, to replace Khamenei as the supreme leader with a small committee of senior ayatollahs, of which Khamenei would be a member. If Rafsanjani were successful, the constitutional change would mean a profound shift in the balance of power within Iran's theocratic regime.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe walking the halls shouting "I'm looking to remove the Supreme Leader from power, would anyone want to publicly join my campaign to oust him and the "elected" President of Iran? Meet me in the lobby!" Seems to me while you may think you're speaking about taking the power back, it sounds more like you're saying "Hey Basij, please beat me and imprison me! You get to pick the order of those two choices!"

That said I think you're gonna win out. I mean look how badly Khamenei overreached. Now he's trying to overthrow Honduras. I think you'll be able to gain the upper hand when he has to go toe to toe in a border dispute with Hugo Chavez.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Broken News Collection: Year One

To commemorate the momentous occasion of our first birthday, Matthew and I have selected our favorite Broken News pieces and anthologized them below.

No, you do not have any say in the matter. These are our favorites; pieces we think you should revisit, relive, re-hate. These are untold nuggets of genius that you have not fully appreciated. Of that much, we are sure.

You want a recap with different content? Get fucked. We took the time to write all of this shit, we pick what gets highlighted. Summaries and links are below the fold. Go now, and enjoy.

Teen detective duo murdered by smugglers at cove

Area wedding marred by good weather, civility, sobriety

Class war erupts at combination chili cook-off and brie-tasting

Local woman shocked, shocked to learn her personal blog just a commercial

Notorious war criminal discovered posing as game show host

Confusion, violence mar first "Opposite Day"

Area Manager Ends 1,000th Sentence with "I'm Just that Kind of Manager"

Richard Dawkins wins ‘fishes and loaves’ eating contest

Thread counts plummet on new of financial meltdown

Study reveals "Children not our future"

Paulson, Bernanke to jump economy on rocket cycles

Family values drop 9.8% during economic crisis

Biden's first weeks as VP spent dodging increasingly elaborate booby traps

Blogger outfit Paul Krugman with mechanized war suit

Detroit accidentally invited to Rust Belt party

Happy Fucking Birthday to Us

As of this time tomorrow, TheseBastards will have cheated death for an entire calendar year. While much of this can be easily chalked up to our stubbornness perseverance, lack of anything better to do selfless work ethic and backlog of dick jokes commitment to speaking truth to power, we would be remiss if we didn't thank you, our seven readers.

Verily, your semi-daily visits, no doubt undertaken while clock watching through the end of the workday, are really what kept us going in those dark times. Without you, we'd just be two guys sitting around shit-talking on gchat. But because of you, our loyal, cherished following, we are two guys with a blog sitting around shit-talking on gchat. Thank you. We are even magnanimous enough to forgive you for not making us as famous as we rightly should be. After all, we are nothing if not benevolent and forgiving God-Kings.

We like to think we've accomplished a great deal since firing up this crude, narcissistic exercise. We have indicted virtually every social and political subculture that so much as looked at us funny, pistol-whipped our corporate and media betters for their many sins, slain dragons, rescued fair maidens, taken liberties with said maidens, covered a historic presidential election, foretold various apocalypses, danced on a multitude of graves, wantonly gloated over a couple of Pittsburgh championships, and left one ex-girlfriend profoundly pissed off.

Not a bad tally, really, and one we intend to top in the coming year, provided the world continues to suffer from this nagging case of The Dumb.

Oh, and if we can come up with enough fresh guttertalk.

As always, yours in Christ,

Matthew and Sean

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.26

Tehran dispatch: The regime shows us movies
Want to know what Iranian state TV has been showing the masses in an attempt to placate them during an uprising? A Lord of the Rings marathon. And George Lucas weeps a little bit inside. Question though: in the midst of a revolution do you really want to show people a trilogy whose main themes are small and weak disparate groups banding together to overthrow the all-encompassing evil that plagues the land? Or did you somehow re-dub it to make it seem like Frodo and Gandalf are doing everything to help Sauron?

Rhode Island Slavery Legacy Prompting Name Change
hands up if you knew Rhode Island's full name was "State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations"? Hands up if you forgot Rhode Island was a state. Well, it is and out of all of the states it happens to be the one with an unfortunate call back to slavery in it's title. But not for long. They're just going to lop off that plantation part, go with Rhode Island, and change the state motto to "Of course we've always been against slavery! Why do you ask?"

Meet Orly Taitz, Queen Bee of People Obsessed With Barack Obama's Birth Certificate
Want to meet the most demented of all right wing Obama conspiracy theorists? I mean other than the ones that broadcast nationally on radio and TV to audiences in the millions. Just know that if you disagree with her you are either a traitor, Muslim, terrorist, or part of Obama's thought police. Seriously. I can't even do the depths of her insanity justice. Go read it, then back slowly away from your computer, and take a shower.

Nuclear disaster averted by dirty laundry
Did you know that the only thing preventing the UK from being an irradiated wasteland of tea drinking nuke mutants was some dude noticing that a reactor cooling pond was leaking water while he was doing his laundry? Yeah. Remember stuff like this when people try to start up the nuclear energy kick again with comments like "no, really it's completely safe now."

American shoppers misled by greenwash, Congress told
If you just bought something with the phrase "green", "energy efficient", "natural", "eco-friendly", or "non-toxic", you probably just bought a bottle full of bullshit. Up to 98% of natural/environmental products are made of lies. But rest assured, at least what you bought didn't have any trans fats in it.

Scientology: The Truth Rundown, Part 1 of 3 in a special report on the Church of Scientology
Want to know exactly how crazy, weird, and controlling the "Church" of Scientology is? Well the St. Petersburg Times has decided to oblige you with a massive series dealing with everything from L. Ron's beginning, to who runs the "church" now, to what happens if you want to leave. Almost as crazy as the Obama birth certificate lady. Definitely creepier. Stay away from Clearwater, Florida and the Super Power Building.

Wonderful news

So in Iran....don't you walk away...HEY!...don't click over to Amazon and start pricing Thriller CD's...this is serious...I'm holding the serious pencil....get off iTunes....we're going to talk about Iran and you're going to listen. OK, so over in Iran the Bad leaders of the Dangerous Iranian regime has an Off the Wall idea: using the death penalty on protest leaders. Because the situation isn't fucked up, violent, and contentious enough already.
A senior Iranian cleric called on the judiciary Friday to impose death sentences on the leaders of the recent protests against alleged fraud in the June 12 presidential election.

'I call on the judiciary for a decisive confrontation with the leaders of these illegal demonstrations and ask for capital punishment against them without any mercy,' Ayatollah Ahmad Khatami, who is close to President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, said at Friday prayers.
This all before fellow Supreme Bearded God-King Khamenei gives another speech that will probably blame everything on the British, call for protesters to "get over it", and then either start endorsing aspects of Ayatollah Khatami's great idea or intimate that the police forces are going to stop going easy on protesters. Not to mention Mousavi starting to sound a bit more pissed off, a bit more bolder, and a bit more revolutionary each day.

What this all means is...hey wait don't walk away...don't watch that Indian Thriller video...no...listen...this is important...I was going to make a point about escalation and militancy...drugs?...$500 million in debt?...no wait this is a critical moment for Iran...wow....fine leave. Here's a post about Jackson, Islam, and Iran, maybe that'll help.

Disappointment of the day

As the world awakens it begins the important process of forgetting that silly Iran business they were so concerned about and starts to focus on what's important: Michael Jackson tributes. So far I am disappointed in them. I am especially disappointed in you NY Post. After 1001 snide, mocking Jackson headlines, you couldn't give us one more? No JACKO ON BACKO FOREVER? Putting the Peter Pan/Neverland references only on the online version?

Ugh. Out of everyone I at least expected you to not respect the man, Post. I'm disappointed.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Broken News: Sanford immune to impeachment under arcane SC statutes

COLUMBIA, SC--With the media's attention firmly fixated on revelations that Gov. Mark Sanford's clandestine trip to Argentina was made to visit his mistress, thereby dishonoring himself and his party, few are examining the potential legal repercussions of his actions.

One of those few is Dr. Darlene Williams, a scholar of South Carolina's constitution and author of Yes, We Can Read: A Brief Introduction to South Carolinian Governance.

More surprising than the fact that someone can actually earn a PhD through such research is Dr. Williams' claim that by virtue of his extramarital offenses alone, Gov. Stanford cannot be forced from office by the state legislature.

"There is literally a codicil in the state constitution that specifically prohibits impeachment of a governor who was found to have traveled to Argentina for any purpose, including and especially fornication," said Williams. "You can look it up."

Indeed, upon further investigation, this organization uncovered a section of the South Carolina constitution that does precisely that. After defining the title itself, as well as the qualifications and responsibilities the office of Governor entails, the constitution goes on to state the following:
SECTION 19. Subclause 11.: Any Governor absconding unannounced to South American locales for activities pertaining to the ribald wetting of ones genitals and wanton acts of fuckery shall be immune to punitive action on the part of the state legislature or the populace.

SECTION 19. Subclause 12: The rights specified in SECTION 19. Subclause 11. shall exclude the country of Suriname and Guyana until such a time as the legislature decides their countries are no longer comprised of assholes.
According to Williams, this language was quietly inserted by the legislature at a midnight session not long after the conclusion of World War II.

"As we all know, South America was a popular refuge for Nazi war criminals in the years following the Allied victory. While South Carolinians fought bravely alongside Americans from every other state, well, let's just say that they didn't necessarily object to all of Hitler's, um, 'solutions'..." Williams said, while making "quotey fingers" and winking.

Gov. Sanford was unavailable for comment at press time, although Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer swore he had no prior knowledge of the indemnifying clause.

"Listen, I consider myself fairly well-versed in my state's constitution," said Bauer. "I know that there's a section on accepting federal aid for highways and hurricane relief while rejecting it for everything else. I know that the Three-fifths compromise can still be implemented in times of statewide emergency. I know that our leader must must not only swear an oath to a higher being but also legitimately believe in said power. And I know that when-- I mean, if, we secede again, that power over the state militia reverts to the Vice President of Philip Morris USA. But this? I had no idea."

When asked if there is language in the state constitution explicitly preventing a Governor from being removed due to dereliction of duty -- one example given was deserting a post that commands state and national guard forces -- or, in simple terms, abandonment of office, Bauer tugged at his collar and screamed "Christ on a cross, what is that!?" before running from the podium, diving into a waiting car, and heading for the "Appalachian Trail."

The other two South Carolina constitutional scholars in existence point to possible legal proceedings taking place under Section 16-15-60 of the South Carolina Code of Laws which explicitly make adultery illegal and punishable by a $500 fine and up to a year in prison. But, as to that point, Williams is unsure that South Carolina law even recognizes South Americans and those of Latin descent as legally valid human beings.

"It's really unclear, as the Constitution only ever mentions a Governor taking a white woman abroad to fornicate with," said the Dr. while poring over an original copy of the state Constitution scrawled on the back of a yellowed whiskey label. "There are a lot of references here to, "southern hemisphere mud people," as well as what constitutes fair trade for one in livestock. Also some crude plans to set South America on fire, but no mention of either Latin or South Americans possessing rights or legal recognition of any sort. I think the Governor is in the clear on this one."

Added the other scholar, "Unless he violated Section 16-15-120 in the Code of Laws pertaining to Buggery. That thing's ironclad, be it a 'mud person', 'comely goat', 'traveling gypsy minstrel', 'alluring fruit and/or vegetable', or 'regular white citizen' that gets buggered."

Until such a time as these complex legal issues are worked out, Governor Sanford is expected to be found sleeping on a couch in his office, "hiking", and pretending to be really sorry that he used South America as his personal sexual playground.

No, man. He made "Thriller". [pause] Thriller.

A music legend passes and so begins thousands of career retrospectives and interviews where everyone just decides to politely skip over the last decade or so of his life. Say what you will about the child touching but the man could write a song....during the late seventies up through the early nineties. Off the Wall, Thriller, Bad, and even Dangerous all killed, and I defy you to find a better three song span on an album than 4. Thriller, 5. Beat It, 6. Billie Jean.

You know who really feels bad? The family of Farrah Fawcett. Welcome to the Mother Teresa club. You had the misfortune of dying on the same day as a global star. I bet tomorrow's gonna involve a lot of awkward conversations for Ryan O'Neil. "So how's Farrah doing? Still hangin' in there? Oh, she died? I....didn't hear. Did you hear Michael Jackson died? Yeah, Thriller was great. But hey, Charlie's Angels was pretty decent too."

I guess this just goes to show that the MSM only thinks its news when a white man dies.

Thing Michelle Bachmann is convinced is a liberal conspiracy of the day

#117b: the Census

The Census is a liberal plot to use ACORN to round up those it deems to be "undesirables", such as Republicans, and put them into internment camps.
Last week, Rep. Michele “I’m not a kook” Bachmann (R-MN) boasted about breaking the law in refusing to complete the 2010 Census.
BACHMANN: If we look at American history, between 1942 and 1947, the data that was collected by the census bureau was handed over to the FBI and other organizations, at the request of President Roosevelt, and that’s how the Japanese were rounded up and put into the internment camps. I’m not saying that’s what the Administration is planning to do. But I am saying that private, personal information that was given to the census bureau in the 1940s was used against Americans to round them up.
I think we all know what to do. Never fill out census data so the government can't keep tabs on us. Then you get the tinfoil, I'll start ripping out any teeth with fillings in them. Those spy satellites will never be able to read our thoughts then!

Remember to get Reynolds Wrap, that's the only type that shields our thoughts from the devilish machinations of Jewish bankers plotting in their bunker under Zurich.

Diplomatic love connections

Libya's Qaddafi Gave Condi Rice $212,000 In Gifts
In its final months in office, the Bush administration made out pretty well in odd and exotic gifts from foreign leaders - including diamond jewelery, a taxidermied lion, and Israeli bike shorts.

One of the most generous gift-givers was Libya's Moamar Qaddafi, who seemed particularly grateful for former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's visit to Tripoli last year, giving her gifts with a total value of $212,225, including a diamond ring and a locket with his own picture inside, according to a newly-released State Department report.
Oh my, seems like international diplomacy is a little sexier than I originally thought. Diamond lockets with Qaddafi's picture inside, bike shorts, free dead lions, mountain bikes, saddles.....it's all so sordid. In return for the gift the US Government reportedly sent Qaddafi a chain with a diamond encrusted characture of the head of Condi, not unlike the kind Rick Ross (the boss) sports. In return for getting the bike short from Ehud Olmert, Bush strutted around the Oval Office in them, picking up briefing documents that has been "accidentally" dropped and generally just acting sexy for Ehud. Hey, that Roadmap to Peace doesn't come without the traveling of some hard miles.

In many cases the reason given for the acceptance of these gifts was "Non-acceptance would cause embarrassment to donor and U.S. Government", but in some cases the reason was "Can you believe how cool this shit is? There's no way I'm letting those eggheads at the Smithsonian get their grubby nerd mitts on this." I should have gotten into this diplomatic racket, I could use cooler stuff. But I thought you should know this just so you're not surprised when Condi and Muammar get married in Tripoli next summer. I wonder what gifts they'll get from foreign governments then.

Sorry we forgot about you Kim

The is what I want both my hair and all paintings of me to look like

In all this concentration over Iran and their little kerfuffle, it seems we've neglected the other remaining part of the Axis of Evil, and they are piiiiiiiiiiissed. But let's be fair, they haven't been giving us a reason to get interested. Iran is going through the beginning stages of a revolution, what's North Korea doing? Only bringing some classic Kim Jong-Il crazy, that's what. Not only is the diminutive leader shooting missiles in the direction of Hawaii, making illegal weapons shipments to Burma, and sliding down his waterslide in a furious and unhappy manner, he's slingin' crazy like a vintage late-eighties Saddam. For example:
"If the U.S. imperialists start another war, the army and people of Korea will … wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all."
Zing! They also said the US was
"...asking for the calamitous situation of having a fire shower of nuclear retaliation all over South Korea."
Then there was this
"Armed forces will deal an annihilating blow that is unpredictable and unavoidable, to any 'sanctions' or provocations by the US."
Followed by this
In Pyongyang, an estimated 100,000 packed the main square, shouting "Let's smash!" in unison while punching clenched fists in the air, footage from APTN in North Korea showed. A placard showed hands crushing a missile with "U.S." written on it.
Ooooooh, shit is on son, we just got served! You know if there's one thing America sucks at it's getting our citizens organized together to shout choreographed chants of violence and open threats towards foreign governments. We also severely lag behind in the nasty placard industry as well. But come on now America, Kim is asking for our attention. He's a man with needs as well, he just wants some acknowledgment that he's a dangerous lunatic who threatens world stability. Can't we give him that? C'mon now, all at once: "Ooooh, don't nuke us Mr. Kim. We're scared."

Was that so hard?

Hurt feelings

You know, in all of this Iran hubbub we forgot to think of the way Mahmoud Ahmadinejad feels. I know, how could we have misplaced our focus so much as to not give him the focus he deserves? I mean he's suffering too, stealing an election doesn't win you many friends. I mean just look at his free pie and cake victory party extravaganza that he held at a Tehran Chuck E Cheese. Only 105 out of 290 parliament members showed up to "celebrate" his "victory". What good is suppressing democracy and beating and murdering protesters in the streets if it only properly scares less than half of the parliament to come party with you and listen to various celebratory Kool & the Gang songs? Now he's lashing out at Barry.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad accused Barack Obama on Thursday of behaving like his predecessor toward Iran and said there was not much point in talking to Washington unless the U.S. president apologized.

Obama said on Tuesday he was "appalled and outraged" by a post-election crackdown and Washington withdrew invitations to Iranian diplomats to attend U.S. Independence Day celebrations on July 4 -- stalling efforts to improve ties with Tehran.

"Mr Obama made a mistake to say those things ... our question is why he fell into this trap and said things that previously (former U.S. President George W.) Bush used to say," the semi-official Fars News Agency quoted Ahmadinejad as saying.
That's a low blow, but Mahmmy was just mad. I mean how would you like to explain to Iranian diplomats that they would be shot if they spoke out that the 4th of July Bash they had been invited to was canceled. They were excited to try hot dogs and beer brats! They already bought sparklers!

Ahmadinejad is right to demand an apology too. I mean sure he's engaging in a nakedly corrupt coup d'etat and violently supressing his people, but Obama didn't have to go point it out and rub Mahmoud's face in it. All I'm asking is that someone think of Ahmadinejad's emotional state, because right now it seems like someone has taken his feelings and beat on them with clubs and tear gas, then security forces on motorcycles shot those feelings in the gut and left them on the street. Christ, that hot dog party denial still stings. He even bought one of those novelty Uncle Sam hats. Now he's going to look like an ass.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Picture of the day

Courtesy of HERE

Broken In Brief: Area man buys Jonas Brothers CD for "daughter"

SEATTLE—Area man Jack Swenson today adamantly insisted that he was standing in line to purchase the new Jonas Brothers album, Lines, Vines and Trying Times on behalf of his “daughter.” He swore that not only was she a humongous fan who can't get enough of their wholesome, positive image, but that she completely and totally existed and was in no way a fabrication of any sort whatsoever.

“I would like to stress that I am in no way buying this album for myself,” Swenson proclaimed to disbelieving onlookers. “It’s for my daughter. Her name is Chelsea. She’s 12. She exists! I have in no way become a fan of this teen power-pop trio whose catchy hooks and handsome looks have captivated an entire nation. I would also like to state for the record that my daughter thinks Joe is the cutest and note that even if I did happen to listen to “Burnin’ Up” a couple hundred times it does not in any way make me a pederast.”

As a crowd of onlookers gathered, his plaintive cries of “Please believe me” were drowned out by hoots, hollers, and some shouts of solidarity from some of the creepier mob members. As Mr. Swenson ran out of the mall yelling that he “had to get the CD to his ‘daughter’” several women in their mid-to-late thirties near the Barnes & Noble were relieved that this distraction had given them time to by several of the Twilight books without having to use any made-up stories involving birthday presents for nieces and nephews, nor conjure any biographical details of the imaginary children they had invented.

Why aren't these movies out yet?

The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton
Britney Spears could be set to follow her successful Circus tour with a role in a new film, according to reports. The 27-year-old star is still touring the world with her Circus tour, and it is claimed a script for a film called The Yellow Star of Sophia and Eton has been handed to Britney to look at.

If she accepts the role, Britney will reportedly play the main role of Sophia LaMont, who creates a time machine and travels back to World War II where she meets a Jewish man called Eton at a concentration camp.

They then fall in love and travel back to the present day with the intention of getting married but they are both killed by Nazis.
Boogie Town
The film is described as a "West Side Story" for the hip hop generation. The story takes place in a futuristic New York City, in the year of 2015 where dancing battles are strictly prohibited. Micha (Marques Houston), a very skilled dancer, begins an underground dancing arena known as "Boogie Town", where dancing teams battle in "Winner Take All" matches. Micha and his crew known as "The Trojans" are long time rivals with "The Warriors" which is led by Jay (Mykal Anthony Bean), his former mentor and once longtime friend.

Both Micha and Jay have "ENERGY", a mysterious and supernatural power. But when Jay finds out that Natalie (Brenda Song), his younger sister, has been secretly dating Micha, the feud between "The Trojans" and "The Warriors" escalates onto the streets. So the only way to have the ultimate Dance-Off where the loser must leave town for good.
A Britney Spears concentration camp drama? A dystopian New York where dancing is outlawed and mutants have power fueled dance offs? Where can I get in line? These sound even more gloriously stupid than a racist robot filled Transformers sequel.


John Cole, who unlike most people talking about Iran, actually knows his shit, decides to remind everyone of a few unpleasant facts.
The kind of unlicensed, city-wide demonstrations being held in Tehran last week would not be allowed to be held in the United States...At the Republican National Committee convention in St. Paul, 250 protesters were arrested shortly before John McCain took the podium. Most were innocent activists and even journalists. Amy Goodman and her staff were assaulted. In New York in 2004, 'protest zones' were assigned, and 1800 protesters were arrested, who have now been awarded civil damages by the courts. Spontaneous, city-wide demonstrations outside designated 'protest zones' would be illegal in New York City, apparently.
The number of demonstrators arrested in Tehran on Saturday is estimated at 550 or so, which is less than those arrested by the NYPD for protesting Bush policies in 2004.
Oooh, it always stings a little when our hypocrisy is thrown right back in our faces, doesn't it? Though let me at least defend the Bush/Cheney protest policy that is now the de facto American protest policy: while there were some beatings, rights violations, and mass arrests on fraudulent charges, there were not mass beatings, police licensed to do whatever they wanted, and that whole shooting/killing/kidnapping/torture dynamic. Also when we stifle free speech and protests it's different because...uhhh freedom, liberty, bald eagles, apple pie, baby Jesus, Reagan, freedom, ponies, freedom.

I guess that's one of the benefits to having Obama in office during this. We don't have to lower our heads in shame like we would if Bush was decrying torture, indefinite detainment, and undemocratic protester policies. Now, it's only a mild sense of shame. America can deal with mild shame.

House party

New news from Iran: Obama sez yay protesters, the Ayatollah still doesn't understand what's going on, torture, more protests/beatings/shootings, it's all the West's fault, and coerced "confessions".

Also, they've put Mousavi under house arrest so he can't try to hike the Appalachian Trail, can avoid the violence that the British media controls, won't be able to commit suicide before the Guardian Council orders his death to be made to look like a suicide, and can't do all that pesky marching and complaining about an oppressive theocracy stuff.
The Iranian opposition leader Mirhossein Mousavi is under 24-hour guard by secret police and no longer able to speak freely to supporters, according to the film director Mohsen Makhmalbaf.

Mr Makhmalbaf, 52, an informal spokesman abroad for the protest in Iran, said that Mr Mousavi was not under arrest but "he has security agents, secret police with him all the time. He has to be careful what he says."
Mr Mousasvi's means of communication had been cut off, or confiscated, just after the disputed election, Mr Makhmalbaf said. He had therefore been asked informally to make sure that a true picture of what was happening in Iran reached the outside world.

Asked to explain where the protests might go from here, he said that Mr Mousavi had urged his supporters not to confront the regime directly but to "adopt the tactics of Gandhi, the tactics of non-violent protest and civil disobedience".
Gandhi, ouch. It's going to be really hard for the Iranian Guardian Council and security forces to demonize the tactics and persona of Gandhi, but I'm really interested to see their effort. Gandhi's whole salt march was so he could rub it in the eyes of British colonialists and ball it up into a rock like projectile, right?

So what's all this mean? It looks like this is going the bloody, violent distance. Ending in either tanks shooting at protesters and martial law or masses of people storming the palace and a nice spate of Hague trials. At least we're getting a full picture of what's going on. Oh, it's actually worse than what we're seeing? Goody.


New York Jets kicker Jay Feely is planning for life after football. Not content to merely do things like miss three field goals in a game, he has career aspirations. He wants to be the next Sean Hannity. Why? Who knows, perhaps it's his distinct lack of a human soul. But the man is off to a good start. Just look at his interview on Hannity's program which was notable for the strange Obama conspiracy theories Feely trafficked in and the masterful way in which Hannity never allowed you to see his lips move when Feely talked or get a glimpse of his hand up Feely's rectum for the intense puppetry work.

But before Feely went to debase himself in front of his God, he Tweeted to his fans that they should send him questions they would want him to ask Hannity. Rich Eisen, former ESPN man and current NFL Network anchor, offered up this query.
@jayfeely Ask him if he has a conscience.
Well played sir. The next Jets Cam segment is going to be awkwaaaaaard.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Broken News: McMahon to vie for seat at God's right hand

SILVER CITY--In a stunning turn of events, sources close to the Most High have revealed that freshly dead celebrity Ed McMahon has been tapped to replace Jesus at the right hand of God. Those familiar with the whims and wishes of The Creator said His chief Seraph opened negotiations with McMahon's representatives almost immediately after the affable "Tonight Show" sidekick had completed his exit interview with Saint Peter.

Experts predict the former late night mainstay, game show host and face of the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes will land something in the neighborhood of a ten-century, 500-virgin deal, not including an expected record-breaking signing bonus.

The move is expected to bolster flagging ratings and decreased interest in an omnipotent being humanity used to fear and revere, but now sees as stodgy and behind the times. Those working behind the scenes hope the addition of a noted showbiz professional will revive
abject terror interest in God that recent polling suggests has flagged due to Jesus being viewed as an "unnervingly morbid" member of the undead.

When asked to explain such a sudden change in policy, Ethereal Plane insiders hinted at a widening rift between The Almighty and His son, Jesus Haploid Christ, who has retained the RHoG spot for nearly 2,000 consecutive years. This spat is apparently rooted, among other things, in last summer's botched attempt to replace The Holy Ghost, after which the relationship grew cold.

Asked how one recently deceased media whore could possibly challenge the Throne, a winged pundit said, on condition of anonymity, "Change is good. And everyone loves an overweight, money-hungry drunk with a nose redder than Rudolph's. For the first time since Jerry Garcia died, we are dealing with a prospect who is actually capable of challenging Big J on a chemical level. And this is a guy with wine for blood."

He then clarified, "Jesus, I mean. Not sure about Eddie. I think what runs in his veins closer to a mixture of absinthe and jet fuel."

"Listen, have you taken a look at Earth recently? The Big Guy is clearly a fan of the sauce." Said another creature of light with intimate knowledge of the proceedings. "Shit, Dean Martin or Robert Mitchum would've had this seat back in the mid-nineties if they hadn't both told God to piss off and gone back to drinking bourbon out of Cleopatra's bra and starting bar fights with Gary Cooper."

Those close to the Son of God say that far from being angered over this decision, he welcomes the change. Several apostles have noted that the constant strain of working so closely with one's father, as well as long-festering tension over God not mentioning the whole Crucifixion thing until the day before it happened. Sources also point to stylistic personality clashes stemming from Jesus' more serious, brooding demeanor.

"They're just two different people, you know, when they aren't unified together in the Trinity as one being," said former apostle, author, and drinking buddy of Jesus', Mark.

"God has more of a Borscht Belt/Catskills/Henny Youngman kind of vibe, whereas Diamond J is more of a political thinker and populist/humanist. God would be cracking jokes about airplane food and Jesus would be raging over social injustice. And moneylenders, always had something to say about the moneylenders. Maybe God told him to 'Get off the cross' one too many times. McMahon knows how to sit there, not flinch, and laugh at a bad joke. He's perfect."

"God's sense of humor isn't for everybody," Mark finished, noting the platypus, the placement of Israel within the Middle East, the works of Tyler Perry, turning people into pillars of salt, and the Trail of Tears as prime examples.

Supposedly, the plan is for McMahon, pending a final interview with God, to take over in July, with Jesus moving down to a less-stressful, part-time slot. Should this changeover not prove successful, there are those who have intimated that the Holy Host was willing to give Jimmy Fallon or Conan O'Brien cancer in order to attract a younger demographic.

Recent arrival George Carlin, who was celebrating his one-year anniversary of still refusing to believe any of this fucking bullshit sun worship, shook his head and went back to writing.

Iran n'at

Watch the first 10 seconds.

"Yinz Supreme Leaders are jagoffs! Yinz need ta git 'aht! Mousavi n'at!"

Sanford found

OK, South Carolina Governor and huge crybaby Mark Sanford is not dead....yet. It turns out he was just dejectedly walking around in the woods while Charlie Brown music played.

Out of yesterday's odds it seems that "5-3 : Has renounced society, has gone into SC mountains to build cabin and live off the land" was the closest. That is unless the excuse given was a euphemism. We all know that "hiking the Cumberland Gap" is code for "meth fueled orgy", but what does "clearing your head by walking the Appalachian Trail" mean? Is he a furry? Hiding from creditors? Trying to find Sasquatch? We need to know.

Edit: "3-2 : "Me" time with mistress" was the winner. Go collect from your bookies.

Someone muzzle Grampa

With Iran refusing to nullify the election, moving to swear in Ahmadinejad, and taking that extra classy Chinese Government step of charging bullet fees for the protesters government security forces shot, I have but one small happy thought: thank Baby Jesus that John McCain isn't President.
Sen. John McCain continued to rap President Barack Obama for his measured reaction to the crisis in Iran, which McCain said was inadequate in its support for the protestors of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's contested re-election.
The line pushed by McCain has become the de-facto Republican criticism of Obama since the crisis in Iran began. The president has expressed his concern with the rising violence in the country as well as the obvious inaccuracies in the presidential vote. But he has avoided outright support for the seating of opposition candidate Mir Hossein Moussavi.

The measured manner of Obama's response, while criticized by some, has been described as essential by many foreign policy observers.
I love that his plan come down to the President waving bigger pom-poms and perhaps forming a human pyramid before trying to get onlookers to spell our I-R-A-N letter by letter. Good plan Johnny, because people in Iran, let alone the rest of the world, are confused to America's thoughts on the matter. What we need to be doing is intertwining American power an influence with the leadership of the revolution. Because after all, what Iranian doesn't like the thought of the foreign power that overthrew it's democratically elected government in 1953 and propped up a dictatorship for decades, then supplied Saddam Hussein with chemical weapons so he could gas Iranians in an all out war, co-opting the leadership of a democratically based revolution? I totally bet that it wouldn't be used as a weapon to discredit the movement and as an excuse to get even harsher with protesters.

I can't believe the man that glibly sang about bombing these same people that are now marching in the streets doesn't know enough about Iran to gauge stupid foreign policy from smart foreign policy. Here's a tip Mac, if Joe Scarborough is labeling your criticism as "so shortsighted I find it stunning", and George Will, a man who nakedly distorts facts, thinks the intellectual rigor of your arguments equates to "foolish criticism", it's time to hang 'em up. It's one thing to say "maybe you shouldn't shoot so many protesters", it's another to wrap yourself in green and swear fealty to Mousavi. Learn the difference.

Rewarding creativity, America style

Above: Nefarious Criminal Activity

The above picture might look familiar if you are one of the degenerate readers we share with fukung. I'm fairly certain it has also made the rounds on Digg and reddit, bestowing upon it the status of "internet hit," as the kids often say.

This is a brainchild of North Carolina State student Joe Carnevale, 22, a history major who stole three construction barrels and turned them into a fairly complex and hilarious work of art. The result?
Though Raleigh police seized the barrel statue on May 31 as evidence, they didn't arrest Carnevale until Wednesday, according to Laura Hourigan, a police spokeswoman. Carnevale is now facing misdemeanor charges of damage to property and larceny. He'll be in court on July 21.
I guess he should have instead been throwing back whiskey like it was going out of style and embracing the if she doesn't say "no," she must mean "yes" philosophy of campus courtship. Presumably, that would have been acceptable behavior for an undergraduate.

Moon smasher

The Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) sent up the Kaguya satellite with one mission: take stunning HD footage of the earth and moon from orbit and globally map the moon. Mission accomplished. But little did we know of a second, more sinister, mission. After taking this HD footage JAXA decided the next logical course of action: smash the satellite into the dark side of the moon at 3,728 miles per hour. On purpose. Why? Because Japan hates the moon. The footage is above. It works better if you play Pink Floyd's Eclipse over it.

We don't know of any other sinister plans....yet. Was this just an excuse to drop drilling apparatus onto the surface? Are drills taking a nuclear payload to the moon's core as we speak? Will JAXA finally achieve its dream of destroying the moon? Or will we awake to next month's full moon only to see the phrase "Japan rules the moon, suckers' carved into its face. All I know is Japan has more interesting designs for its space program than we do. We just want scientific knowledge and to learn about the planet, Japan wants HD footage of its satellites scarring the face of the moon like a fight at a speakeasy gone wrong. NASA just put plaques and a flag up there, Buzz Aldrin never got to ram the orbiter into the Sea of Tranquility.

I bet Buzz wishes he could have.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Taking bets

Mark Sanford Disappears; Even Wife Doesn't Know Where He Is
Where is South Carolina's governor?

The lieutenant governor doesn't know, and neither does a state senator who's a close confidante. Even his wife is in the dark.

Gov. Mark Sanford's unannounced absence from the state capitol perplexed some politicians Monday, and his staff wouldn't say where he was. His wife said she hadn't heard from him in several days _ including Father's Day.
2-1 : Secret gay tryst
15-1 : Arranging secret abortion for underage lover
3-1 : Weeping alone in a closet, nude
4-1 : "Carradined" himself, waiting for authorities to find body
27-1 : Actually writing something like his wife said he was
3-2 : "Me" time with mistress
1-2 : "Disappeared" by Rahm Emanuel for criticizing the stimulus
7-1 : Tap lessons with Larry Craig at Minneapolis/St. Paul airport bathroom
6-1 : At Betty Ford Center for "exhaustion"
5-3 : Has renounced society, has gone into SC mountains to build cabin and live off the land
7-2 : Hiding from his truly awful wife and children
8-1 : Secret CIA spy mission that only he can handle
9-2 : Digging extra deep hole for that whore he "accidentally" killed
4-1 : Wandering around an abandoned field in Manchester, TN stoned out of his mind

Just so we're clear

Not only am I wearing a green shirt, but I have made my Twitter logo green, I have skimmed through Andrew Sullivan's constant protest updates a few times, contemplated changing the blog header to green before giving up immediately, I have typed #iran into Twitter at least twice, and said "Iran...ain't that some shit" to one other person.

So if this revolution fails it will not be my fault, it will be yours. What with your not wearing green "I love the Ayatollah but before that I loved the Shah" attitude. I have contributed mightily to this democratic effort and if it succeeds it will mainly be due to my efforts and the efforts of Americans like me......and also a couple of those Iranian people. So let us be clear: you and possibly millions of Iranians aren't pulling their revolutionary weight.

I made my Twitter icon green, people. GREEN! Plus I voted in a poll to ask Google to make their logo green. How much more can one man do?

Public Service Announcement: Go Fuck Yourselves

George Carlin died one year ago today. Susan Sisko Carter has a nice piece up at HuffPo detailing a random encounter with Carlin wherein they discussed, of course, language. Far as I'm concerned, not much can top Jerry Seinfeld's New York Times op-ed, published last June 24. Do yourself a favor. Take a few minutes out of the day and do some YouTube fishing. Couldn't hurt.

You are missed, sir.

Because Presidenting doesn't bring in the big bucks

Via Cloned in China come this example of our President having to hawk cell phones overseas in an attempt to make a little cash on the side. Much like Brad Pitt making cell phone ads in Japan so he can both have a lot of money and little knowledge of the fact that he's doing ads, Barry has decided that being President doesn't put gold plated plasma screens on the walls.

At least he picked/had his picture shadily photoshopped in an ad for a respectable company: BlockBerry, from the makers of the EyePhone. It sounds like a respectable American Canadian phone company, so that means it probably isn't made of old Walkman parts. If only Barry could get some of the Sorny/Magnetbox/Panafonics ad money, then this whole "Leader of the Free World" thing would really start being a worthwhile job to have.

Thanks telcoms!

Hey were you wondering how come it was so easy for Iran's Wizened Council of religious Scolds and Vote Riggers was so easily able to shut down citizens access to the internet and all its vast informational tubes? A system that is described as "better than China's"? Siemens and Nokia built it for them! Why? Cause integrity don't pay.
Two European companies — a major contractor to the U.S. government and a top cell-phone equipment maker — last year installed an electronic surveillance system for Iran that human rights advocates and intelligence experts say can help Iran target dissidents.

Nokia Siemens Networks (NSN), a joint venture between the Finnish cell-phone giant Nokia and German powerhouse Siemens, delivered what is known as a monitoring center to Irantelecom, Iran's state-owned telephone company.

A spokesman for NSN said the servers were sold for "lawful intercept functionality," a technical term used by the cell-phone industry to refer to law enforcement's ability to tap phones, read e-mails and surveil electronic data on communications networks.
Here's some more good news: Germany, the UK, Austria, and the US all have similar technology to Iran....they just don't use it or use it in a limited amount! Freedom marches on!

So if you're keeping track at home, when factoring in the US domestic wiretapping and spying scandal, installing freedom smashing protocols in dictatorships, and the ones that help fuel African wars through dirty dealings for materials needed in cell phones, that places the exact number of decent telecommunications companies at....zero. One if you count your ability to tie two tin cans and some string together as making you a part of the telcom industry. And that's only if you used fair trade tin and string in the construction of the only ethical form of long distance communication left. Besides shouting, that is. Writing on paper with a pen involves tree murder and squid molesting.

Now try using a phone without feeling a little bit of shame today. Hopefully I ruined the experience for you.

Something smells fishy about this election

Surely this whole Iran "protest"/"revolution" thingy dingy isn't going to simmer down anytime soon. Why? Well those mass arrests and shootings for one, planned nationwide strikes, Mousavi claiming he's ready for martyrdom, half of the clerics criticizing the actions of the other half, and now there's evidence that the vote....wait for it...might have been fraudulent. I know, it's surprising to find this Iranian election might have been more rigged than a clipper ship, but I'm beginning to suspect that's the case. But don't believe me, believe Iran's Guardian Council.
Iran's Guardian Council has suggested that the number of votes collected in 50 cities surpass the number of people eligible to cast ballot in those areas.

The council's Spokesman Abbas-Ali Kadkhodaei, who was speaking on the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting (IRIB) Channel 2 on Sunday, made the remarks in response to complaints filed by Mohsen Rezaei -- a defeated candidate in the June 12 Presidential election.

"Statistics provided by the candidates, who claim more than 100% of those eligible have cast their ballot in 80-170 cities are not accurate -- the incident has happened in only 50 cities," Kadkhodaei said.
Now true, the Guardian Council does try to pass this off as completely normal and cast it aside with a sweep of the hand by saying it probably only affected 3 million or so votes, but that's OK because Ahmadinejad won by more than that. So there's really nothing to worry about. These results were confirmed in a separate analysis by eggheads with books.

I've got to say this is a new one. "Sure there was widespread fraud that is so obvious we had to address it. But that's OK because the margin we picked Ahmadinejad to win by exceeded the amount of fraud we mistakenly made so obvious. Now fuck off." But when you're trying to set the record for Most Fraudulent Election, it's nice to follow the count and recount that featured no counting with reassurances that its normal for most places to have more votes than voters. At least they're consistent. But this is what happens when democracy tries to get in the way of theocracy. The people voted for who they wanted, but God knew better, so things had to be rigged on His behalf. Sorry Iran, but after all God is pretty smart and this is the system you didn't vote for. I'm sorry you couldn't understand that.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

New and improved endings

As we all relax and recover the day after the glorified nationwide drunken orgy holiday known as World Sauntering Day, the NHL has decided to give all us Penguin fans a nice treat. A vicious pipe beating for Alexander Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin being rightfully awarded the Hart trophy? No. But they did remix two commercials they had been running so as to better reflect our lives under the stewardship of our new Penguin overlords.

Friday, June 19, 2009

This week in mind shattering testicle injuries

In all the post-game kvetching and whining about handshakes and "how dare that Crosby kid celebrate with his teammates instead of recognizing the Red Wings need to make a strict tee time" you began to wonder if some of the complaining Wings, namely Kris "Can't spell 'Kris Draper' without 'Kid Raper'" Draper, Henrik Zetterberg, and Nick Lidstrom, had any sort of balls. Well it turns out that Lidstrom does have a pair, they were just horrifically injured.
If Detroit captain Nicklas Lidstrom looked a little sluggish at times during this Stanley Cup Finals, he has a very, very, very good excuse. He suffered a "nearly catastrophic" testicle injury in the Conference Finals. Now how do you feel?

Personally, I feel that if there is one way you don't want your testicle injury to be described, it's "nearly catastrophic." Lidstrom actually missed the final two games of the Chicago series after Patrick Sharp allegedly gave him the "how's your father" with his stick, but the true reason for his absence wasn't widely reported—officially he had a "lower body injury" a fact that Globe and Mail opinionist Bruce Dowbiggin laments in his latest column.

"Nearly catastrophic testicle injury". Ball spearing. Sack ripping. If you'll excuse me, I'll be doubled over and coughing. My groin is grimacing in pain at the same time my mind recoils in horror. See...the...thing is...........no, I can't continue, I'm going to go ice my whole midsection down, just in case.

Note to all despots

If you want to get a picture taken of yourself for your last remaining supporters and people who fear police beatings to hold up, break out the scrilla and hire a professional photographer. The artistic tableau and palette of the Sears Portrait Studio 'look' doesn't inspire fear or reverence.

Twitter the revolution

Among many things this Iranian protest business has brought us is the development of Twitter as something more than a way for Shaq to baffle and entertain us with his grammar, spelling, and proclamations. It has developed into a seemingly vital tool for organization and new gathering in Iran and as a means for heaping torrents of abuse on GOP members who think of themselves as comparable to Iranian protesters.

Via Jeff Clark comes the Iranian Twitter Word Cloud, which seeks to chart the usage of words of Iranian people in Twitter posts in real time. If you go to his site the green fist world cloud is interactive and each word links you to Twitter posts on Iran using that word. Give it a look.

Khamenei to Iran: "No please, overthrow me too."

Some of the more positive movements within the Guardian Council, from clerics offering support to questioning the election to even the somewhat dubious offer to officially look into vote rigging claims, seemed to take a step back when ex-ZZ Top bassist and Iranian Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei decided that if the government gets toppled, he'd like to be under it when it falls.
Iran's supreme leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, issued a stern warning to opponents today to stay off the streets as he denied claims that last week's elections had been rigged.

In an uncompromising address at Friday prayers, Khamenei claimed that the high turnout at the elections showed how much the Iranian people supported the regime, and blamed western powers for interfering in Iranian politics, singling out the UK as the "most treacherous".

In a thinly veiled warning to the reformist presidential challenger, Mir Hossein Mousavi, Khamenei said opposition leaders would be held responsible if they did not call for an end to the protests that have rocked Iran since last Friday's disputed election.

"Street challenge is not acceptable," he said. "This is challenging democracy after the elections."
Ouch. What kind of world do we live in when the Supreme Leader of Iran isn't singling the United States out as the "most treacherous" for meddling in Iranian affairs. That used to be our thing! The 1953 coup was our Sgt. Pepper. People listening live to the speech even chanted "Death to the UK!" What about us, Ali? What about the Jews? Don't either of us get any credit? I thought this was all about us! *sniff* I guess there's a new western Great Satan.

The big news out of the speech, other than Ali officially getting out the sensual oils and lube for Ahmadinejad, dismissing even the notion that vote rigging occurred, and fully supporting the election results, was that the government would do longer behanding out permits for protests and looked to have given police "the green light to security forces to violently handle protesters." I was under the impression that's what the security forces were already doing. They weren't?

I'm sure this will end well for you Ali and you will in no way regret rigging the election or loudly supporting it. Bitter old despots always win when pitted against millions of motivated and oppressed people. Enjoy your post-revolution public square meathooking.