WASHINGTON--In an unprecedented move, the Second Amendment vowed today to conquer and replace the First Amendment "by any means necessary.” While there has been no official response from First, notorious gossip, the Ninth Amendment, claimed First was cowering in a urine-soaked corner and pleading for someone to save it from so manly an amendment as Second.
Sources close to the FBI say that, after being contracted for a hit on the Fourth Amendment last week, Second did not report back to his holding cell inside the FBI Laws and Amendments compound at Quantico. Later that day, the body of Second's longtime partner, the Eighth Amendment, was discovered in several tattered pieces behind the escaped operative's toilet.
Those same sources allege that Second seized upon an opportunity to make his move and become the only amendment to the US Constitution. This accusation was confirmed today when Second surfaced just long enough to release a pamphlet entitled "Bill of Right" in which he stated that it was his patriotic duty to eliminate all the other remaining Amendments, starting with the First. He wrote "Do we need a First Amendment when your gun can do the talking for you?"
The Second Amendment, occasionally known as “The People’s Amendment”, was originally devised by the founding fathers as a means for the populace to protect itself from a tyrannical government, a codicil perhaps influenced by their having come of age in a monarchy. Second rose to prominence as America’s favorite because, as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said in the recent Heller decision, "it can be pointed at a burglar with one hand while the other hand dials the police."
[Editor's note: That is an actual quote. We are incapable of making this shit up.]
Seemingly buoyed by the Supreme Court's recent 5-4 decision overturning DC's handgun ban, not to mention hundreds of trillions of dollars in NRA lobbying efforts over the last four months, constitutional insiders say that Second has, “long been primed and ready to go gunning for the numero uno slot, he just needed an opening.”
“Frankly, it’s time.” said Wayne LaPierre, CEO and Executive Vice-President of the National Rifle Association. “With the court the way it is, we can pretty much 5-4 ourselves to whatever we want. Besides, First is weak and needs to be put down like a sick dog. So long as we're all forced to agree by a politically rigged court, why do we even need First? Or any of them? Second is King! I worship at its sacred altar! All hail Second! It is our right!"
Over the years, debate amongst constitutional scholars has raged over whether this right was intended for all Americans or, as the Amendment states, only those in "well regulated militias, being necessary for the security of a free state." The argument has been compounded by the fact that militias are no longer this country’s primary means of defense, as we have a military with laser-guided bombs, thirty-ton tanks, and munitions that can destroy everything but the fillings in your teeth. Militias, on the other hand, consist almost exclusively of unregulated coalitions of backwoods conspiracy theorists resigned to distilling moonshine and protecting small parcels of land covered in deer shit and tin shacks from imminent invasion by the federal government.
None can seriously doubt that First is weaker than ever, given a cursory glance at its provisions:
--Freedom of speech was badly injured after 9-11, when Americans collectively decided that, were they to speak their minds or abstain from crass consumerism, the terrorists would win.
--The right of the people to peaceably assemble has been turned over to the government in good faith, with the tacit understanding that the arrangement will not affect sporting events or concerts.
--The right to petition the Government for a redress of grievances has been abandoned in favor of a “Government knows best” policy.
--Freedom of the press is missing, presumed dead, after the professional news media decided questioning the government was too taxing and it was best to regurgitate official press releases and argue incessantly over party-sanctioned talking points while emphasizing high school-style gossip and not the petty little trivialities of policy decisions impacting literally billions of human lives. In fact, the media buried the death of the Free Press on page A28, below the fold.
In fact, only Making no law respecting an establishment of religion is thriving. as Americans, despondent over their benign neglect of the country, have turned to a new regionalized crops of fringe zealotry.
“It’s just been depressing,” says Professor R.J. Gumby of St. Pooves, one of the newer faiths. “We’ve just handed over these rights, not fought for them, and gotten bent over and banged roughly for going on eight years now. We’re pining for someone to do something as a Norwegian Blue pines for the fjords. Why won’t anyone fix things for us?”
According to the latest footage, Second is said to be stalking the streets, armed, ironically enough, with long knives, in search of the battered and abused First. Rumors have begun circulating that First has bought a Bowflex and every Rocky movie in hopes of making a stand sometime in late October or early November. Whether "Ol' Firsty" can survive that long is a matter of debate. Will he will be consigned to the law and amendment dustbin like so many others, notably “Free Pie Tuesdays” and that Slavery one? Only time will tell.
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