Broken News: McMahon to vie for seat at God's right hand

SILVER CITY--In a stunning turn of events, sources close to the Most High have revealed that freshly dead celebrity Ed McMahon has been tapped to replace Jesus at the right hand of God. Those familiar with the whims and wishes of The Creator said His chief Seraph opened negotiations with McMahon's representatives almost immediately after the affable "Tonight Show" sidekick had completed his exit interview with Saint Peter.

Experts predict the former late night mainstay, game show host and face of the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes will land something in the neighborhood of a ten-century, 500-virgin deal, not including an expected record-breaking signing bonus.

The move is expected to bolster flagging ratings and decreased interest in an omnipotent being humanity used to fear and revere, but now sees as stodgy and behind the times. Those working behind the scenes hope the addition of a noted showbiz professional will revive abject terror interest in God that recent polling suggests has flagged due to Jesus being viewed as an "unnervingly morbid" member of the undead.

When asked to explain such a sudden change in policy, Ethereal Plane insiders hinted at a widening rift between The Almighty and His son, Jesus Haploid Christ, who has retained the RHoG spot for nearly 2,000 consecutive years. This spat is apparently rooted, among other things, in last summer's botched attempt to replace The Holy Ghost, after which the relationship grew cold.

Asked how one recently deceased media whore could possibly challenge the Throne, a winged pundit said, on condition of anonymity, "Change is good. And everyone loves an overweight, money-hungry drunk with a nose redder than Rudolph's. For the first time since Jerry Garcia died, we are dealing with a prospect who is actually capable of challenging Big J on a chemical level. And this is a guy with wine for blood."

He then clarified, "Jesus, I mean. Not sure about Eddie. I think what runs in his veins closer to a mixture of absinthe and jet fuel."

"Listen, have you taken a look at Earth recently? The Big Guy is clearly a fan of the sauce." Said another creature of light with intimate knowledge of the proceedings. "Shit, Dean Martin or Robert Mitchum would've had this seat back in the mid-nineties if they hadn't both told God to piss off and gone back to drinking bourbon out of Cleopatra's bra and starting bar fights with Gary Cooper."

Those close to the Son of God say that far from being angered over this decision, he welcomes the change. Several apostles have noted that the constant strain of working so closely with one's father, as well as long-festering tension over God not mentioning the whole Crucifixion thing until the day before it happened. Sources also point to stylistic personality clashes stemming from Jesus' more serious, brooding demeanor.

"They're just two different people, you know, when they aren't unified together in the Trinity as one being," said former apostle, author, and drinking buddy of Jesus', Mark.

"God has more of a Borscht Belt/Catskills/Henny Youngman kind of vibe, whereas Diamond J is more of a political thinker and populist/humanist. God would be cracking jokes about airplane food and Jesus would be raging over social injustice. And moneylenders, always had something to say about the moneylenders. Maybe God told him to 'Get off the cross' one too many times. McMahon knows how to sit there, not flinch, and laugh at a bad joke. He's perfect."

"God's sense of humor isn't for everybody," Mark finished, noting the platypus, the placement of Israel within the Middle East, the works of Tyler Perry, turning people into pillars of salt, and the Trail of Tears as prime examples.

Supposedly, the plan is for McMahon, pending a final interview with God, to take over in July, with Jesus moving down to a less-stressful, part-time slot. Should this changeover not prove successful, there are those who have intimated that the Holy Host was willing to give Jimmy Fallon or Conan O'Brien cancer in order to attract a younger demographic.

Recent arrival George Carlin, who was celebrating his one-year anniversary of still refusing to believe any of this fucking bullshit sun worship, shook his head and went back to writing.

Ain't no love in the heart of the Citi

Citigroup Breaks Up, "Financial Supermarket" Model Dead

The original financial supermarket is dead. Citigroup signaled the end of a decade-long experiment to create one-stop shopping for financial services _ everything from consumer loans to investment banking _ with Tuesday's announcement that it was merging its Smith Barney brokerage into a joint venture with Morgan Stanley.

The deal, which will give Citigroup $2.7 billion in badly needed cash as it gives up control of Smith Barney, comes as the company still struggles in the aftermath of the mortgage and credit crisis. There is speculation that CEO Vikram Pandit, who for months supported Citigroup as a "universal bank," will be taking further steps to simplify and streamline the company.

Citi could soon shrink itself by one-third, according to a Wall Street Journal report Wednesday. The Journal says Citi is likely to announce plans next week to shed two consumer-finance units, the bank's private-label credit card business and cut back on trading it does on its own behalf.

Whither the "too big to fail' mega-conglomeration? Let us mourn the passing of an era where massive financial corporations finally became too big and collapsed after being sabotaged by minorities who wouldn't pay their mortgages. It was a good model, it's only flaw was a tiny susceptibility to poor people who hated living up to their obligations. But now it's dead and people on Wall Street think the model is never coming back. Given their recent prediction rate, I'd say the model will be back inside of a year. Analysts blame Citigroup's collapse on a failure to integrate all their disparate businesses, but I think they're forgetting to note the terrible management and horrible ideas they had.

This isn't the end though, because if old man government has its way Citigroup will be broken into even tinier pieces and scattered into the wind. Unfortunately I've yet to see any news piece address the most important question yet: what does this mean for the Mets new field, dubbed Citi Field? Will they have to resell naming rights or will we use bailout cash to keep it going? After all, marketing for a non-existant company is critical. But there you have it, all those big beautiful mega-groups are dead or folded into other corporations, all our problems are solved, and Wall Street promises it'll never happen again. Now release that other $350 billion or everything will collapse again.

Broken News: Father, Son, move to dismiss Holy Ghost

SILVER CITY, HEAVEN

After many months of rumor and speculation, the Vatican revealed today that both the Father and the Son have taken formal steps to dismiss the Holy Ghost from the Trinity.

Though the history of enmity and tribalism inside the Trinity has been well documented, conventional wisdom held that the infighting had subsisted and that co-operation between the Three had returned to normal.

Tensions have always been high since the power sharing arrangement was agreed upon at the First Council of Nicaea in 325, but the three had seemingly created a pleasant, even friendly, working environment over the past millennium.

Nevertheless, rumors of a split started to gain steam during the now infamous 1990 Kansas City press conference where Jesus, fresh off a two-week stint in an oil slick just outside of Plano, TX, verbally bashed the Holy Spirit with great zeal.

Said the Son, "The old man, he creates all of this, y'know. Everything. I go out, form the foundation of a major world religion and get my sweet ass nailed to a cross to die for all the sins of mankind. It hurt like hell, but I did it. The Ghost, meanwhile, finds a bunch of my drinking buddies, gives them an entry level language course, and suddenly he's walking around claiming he's the Quarterback. No fuckin’ way." The Son then mumbled,“Fuck that sumbitch."

The Ghost, while publicly laughing off Junior’s outburst, privately started to voice concerns about his perceived lack of respect within the Trinity. These feelings grew when, earlier last year, both Jesus and God pulled out of a planned reality show where the three would travel around the United States in a bus organizing church bake sales. Desperate to up his profile, the Ghost then partook in the ill-fated Religious Icon Celebrity Rodeo, where he placed third behind St Francis of Assisi and L. Ron Hubbard.

With insider squabbling threatening to torpedo Eternity, Seraphim were dispatched to Heaven in December to serve as mediators. The Son and the Holy Ghost each issued statements through their representatives indicating that public hostilities had ceased, the latter also declaring that his ill-met search for notoriety via VH1 had drawn to a close. Thus, the scandal appeared at an end, considering that for all of the embarrassing attempts at fame and the drunken outbursts of an inebriated Savior, the one thing any attempt to break up the Trinity never had was the support of the Big Dog.

This is why literal shockwaves were felt when it became apparent that Jesus now has the support of the Almighty and is consolidating power in an attempt to make a move on the Holy Ghost.

The breaking point for Jah was ostensibly reached recently when the Ghost leaked to several religious leaders on Earth that the recent spate of hurricanes, tsunamis and other powerful natural disasters were God's punishment for homosexuality, voting for non-whites, and the Harry Potter books.

"That's just some low down, sandbagging, cowardly stuff," said a highly placed angelic source. "That was just some random weather that the little freak is trying to use to move up in the Trinity. Yahweh is a very progressive man. He invented gays, along with, well... everything else in existence. Who needs the Trinity anyway? It's not even in the Bible."

Attention now turns to the Holy Ghost's potential replacement. Elysian insiders point to rising star and theater enthusiast Abraham Lincoln. While sources would neither confirm nor deny that inserting a gay man into the Trinity was an attempt to placate those offended by the Holy Spirit's outburst, one ethereal pundit explained, "He appeals to Americans, which is a key Christian demo going forward. In recent years he's also made appearances on Cheetos, French fries, and even a grilled cheese sandwich. No one had ever thought of that before, now even Mary is doing it. Plus beard symmetry within the Trinity is key. Focus groups indicate that a spirit as a Trinity member comes off as a little too Poltergeisty, if you get my meaning. Frankly, the Holy Ghost tests the weakest of the three and it would do wonders for branding if we could bring a vibrant new star into the fold."

Brand analysis has recently become a much larger issue within the church, with nearly one in three Americans raised Catholic no longer identifying themselves as such. Adding a prominent American President to the Trinity could revitalize the flagging Catholic brand. It would also add the heft of a provable historic and factual figure to the fold, bringing a sense of realism to a faith which has been attacked by some critics as "Some stupid fantasy shit that mud-bricking peasants believed two thousand years ago and is completely irrelevant to the modern world."

While the Holy Ghost could not be reached for comment, friends say that he is seemingly resigned to his fate. A vote on the matter is expected in the coming months as a new Nicene Council is convened.