Broken In Brief: Glenn Beck found balls-deep in aardvark

NEW YORK--The community of solipsistic, self-aggrandizing hackery was rocked early this morning when police, responding to a noise complaint at a Central Park West highrise, discovered conservative political commentator Glenn Beck sodomizing an aardvark.

Speaking on condition of anonymity given pending assault charges, an NYPD officer detailed the circumstances leading up to Beck's arrest. "We got three calls from three different people complaining about some god awful noise in the penthouse. As soon as my partner and I stepped off the elevator, we heard what sounded like a trumpet trying to mate with a rugby team. We knocked several times and identified ourselves, standard operating procedure, but nobody came to the door. So we forced entry and, well, there he was, buried to the hilt in that aardvark."

Sources close to the department report that Beck was indeed found naked with his erect penis firmly lodged in the nocturnal, burrowing animal native to southern Africa. According to the police report, the bestselling author and former talk radio mainstay was weeping uncontrollably, his wails of "I love my country so much" issued in-time with his pelvic thrusts. By the time officers arrived, the animal had been dead for some time, although Beck did not seem to have noticed.

Proclaimed one first-year patrolman in between dry heaves "We found a pile of discarded... soiled... and... used... Twin Towers memorabilia in the corner of his apartment next to a ten-gallon tub of lube. It seems he got tired of repeatedly violating 9/11 and moved on to this poor creature." The rookie trailed off into sobs and cries of "There's so much evil in the world" before a senior officer came over to calm down the young man and tell him that everything was going to be alright.

At press time, the authorities were still attempting to contact the aardvark's family.