Chart of the day

I'm not saying we aren't going to get our hair mussed, but when the robots rise up, we won't be getting the worst of it.

We can hold out for a while, but eventually humanity will have to retreat to Africa. There we will gather our strength, and with a mighty vuvuzela blast we will make our last charge against them on the battlefield.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 02.03

Gates Makes $10 Billion Vaccines Pledge
Over the next decade the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will pour $10 billion dollars into the development, funding, and distribution of vaccines to the world's poorest countries. Why? Because apparently they base their scientific based philanthropic ideas on so-called science and not on the hankerings and notions of former Playboy models slash MTV dating game-show co-hosts. That's a mistake. I think all of Africa is going to have autism soon and I don't think Bono can write a song good enough to fix that problem. You've doomed the continent with your science and philanthropy, Bill and Melinda.

3 G.I.s Killed in Pakistan. Now Can We Start Treating This Like a Real War?
Hey, did you know we're essentially waging a secret ground war in Pakistan with special forces troops and air-strikes and all that good stuff? Well, 3 soldiers got killed in a battle inside the Pakistan border, that not only was in Pakistan and a Taliban stronghold (shocking), but had been declared to be free of militants/insurgents by the Pakistani military, so now you definitely know. Whoops! Much discussion ensues about when we can start admitting that this is an important front, probably the most important front, in the war on terror? Well, considering that we can't admit we're even there in a support capacity, I'm guessing those odds aren't good.

Iran Sends Mouse, Turtles Into Space
Here we are, cutting NASA's Constellation moon program and Iran is launching a mouse, two turtles, and a worm into space for what experts deemed "no scientific purpose." I think we know what the purpose is. With us seemingly abandoning our aim to return to the moon and Mars, Bitches! seemingly in flux, it seems that in the future America will rest it's head under a moon that is half Red Chinese and half Islamofacist. A Christmas themed satellite of terror and communism. This is our future, people: the moon has been ceded to our enemies. We beat everyone to the moon by 50 years and then spend the rest of that time ceding back that superiority in sad gasps.

Iraq war was illegal, Dutch panel rules
I know, what a surprise, but the Dutch have conducted their own inquiry into their own support of the war and have found the war not only to be inconsistent with Dutch government policies but with "no basis in international law". This to go with the ongoing UK Iraq Inquiry, which is finding generally the same thing, but just spent considerable time grilling former PM Tony Blair over his own conduct and complicity with Bush Administration lies. What are we doing? The sound you hear is crickets chirping because to take a look at the massive fuckup that was (and still is) the Iraq war, that would mean we were "looking backwards" and not "looking forwards". So we just have every other country on earth act like adults, review their and our conduct, and declare the whole thing a fraudulent sham that didn't improve anything, while we sit around and pretend everything is fine and don't even make our leaders answer basic questions about what happened. America, fuck yeah! We're adults.

Darfur Genocide Charge Being Reconsidered Against Sudan President Omar al-Bashir
Bad news for all you Omar al-Bashir fans out there. It seems that they might just add "killing a fuckload of people" and "concentration camp type stuff" back on to his arrest warrant. The only thing stopping them? No one could really seem to muster up the energy to care or even do something when the genocide was ongoing (and is still ongoing), so they're having the same kind of trouble mustering up the same kind of gumption it takes to add "and also for being a rotten, genocidal, murdering shit" onto the end of a warrant. Fair is fair. At least they're consistent. Here's hoping they can find the time to bother charging him with this and then trying him for it. I'm not really hoping for much though.

It's about to get a lot warmer

If there's a silver lining to our impending governmental foray into climate legislation it's that whatever gets passed won't be some woefully inadequate response to any agreements and goals set at the Copenhagen Conference. How do I know this? Because they aren't going to have an agreement coming out of Copenhagen, because the talks are collapsing. I know that doesn't exactly sound like good news, perhaps I'm explaining it wrong.

Talks to save the planet from catastrophic climate change were on the brink of collapse this morning as officials from the three main blocs – rich countries, major developing economies, and small island states – said they had given up on getting a substantive deal.

Even as 115 world leaders began arriving to put their personal imprint on a deal, the summit hosts were admitting they had failed to broker an agreement.
...
The sense of despair from the Danes comes after nine days of working negotiations which has seen increasing acrimony and distrust between rich countries and poor countries, and industrialised countries and the rapidly emerging economies.

Isn't that always the way? Poor and emerging countries want to grow and not be in so much abject poverty, low lying and equator countries want to not fry and drown to death, and the developed nations want to be able to not take minor political hits, pass complex legislation, and make difficult decisions. It's impossible to weigh one set of goals against the other. At least the developing countries got to keep the Kyoto accords and get US support for a climate fund.

However, China is talking about "no possibility of achieving a detailed accord to tackle global warming", anything the President signs will not be listened to by our Legislative branch, the President of the Maldives has practically resigned himself to the fact that his country will resemble Atlantis soon, African countries are crying out that they're being railroaded and held hostage by countries that provide them aid, and the Danes have shown a perceptible emotion that one could construe as displeasure. So buck up, you may think that your own country is the height of political mismanagement and duty shirking, but it merely pales in comparison to when you gather the entire world together. Feel better?

By the by, you probably should have asked Santa for scuba gear, SPF 10,000 sunblock, and a boat this Christmas. You'll need all of them.

Dance, Tuvalu, dance. We are displeased!

The Copenhagen Summit has certainly been an entertaining event. I mean where else can you see God strike down climate change denier Henrik Svensmark with a pacemaker malfunction... on live TV? Sorry Henrik, that rejection of science is going to have to include all science, including medical science. The Lord doth command it.

Or how about Africa standing up to developed countries to preserve the Kyoto protocols? Just for that we're going to ignore the next three genocides, you guys.

I mean where else are you going to get to witness a country beg for it's life?


Tuvalu delegate Ian Fry:

It appears that we are waiting for some senators in the U.S. Congress to conclude before we can consider this issue properly. It is an irony of the modern world that the fate of the world is being determined by some senators in the U.S. Congress.

Quit bitching. If you didn't want Joe Lieberman and Ben Nelson to control whether your and other low-lying island nations slowly drown to death or not, then you shouldn't have elected them Global Climate Overlords. Frankly what have you offered them other than an impassioned plea that "The fate of my country rests in your hands"? That talk doesn't fill up campaign coffers with cash.

Call us when you get some people, Tuvalu. But because we are generous and benevolent in our negligence, we have requisitioned some very nice life-vests for you in the likely event the Senate fails to act. You're welcome.

How Godly of you

Remember that whole business about "America's pastor" Rick Warren not being able to actually come out and condemn a bill in Uganda, written by people who were affiliated with and had done seminars for his church, that essentially made being gay a crime punishable by imprisonment, reeducation, and death? Well, it turns out that if enough newspapers and TV shows mention something, that spirit of the Lord will come rushing out of you in an attempt to mitigate PR damage. So speaketh Rick:

Addressed directly to the pastors of Uganda, Warren's video message said he "completely oppose[s] and vigorously condemn[s]" the bill.

Warren also defensively suggested he would prefer to work behind the scenes, but he was forced to go to the media due to accusations that he was associated with the effort in Uganda. He said "this terrible bill" is "unjust, it's extreme, and it's un-Christian."

Ah yes, this reminds me of what Jesus said: "And yea, if some of your supporters and people you have associated with do something that is in my name yet also politically worrisome, do not condemn them. Only admit that it is wrong if said political pressure and scrutiny at your carefully crafted image becomes so great that you may no longer hide, as the schoolgirl does under her bed."

"Then, and not before then, will thee decry what you could not previously decry. But take caution and remember to blame the media, claiming that you were actually doing something in secret that you totally couldn't talk about, and that they just totally ruined it. So sayeth the Lord."

Well done, Rick. Truly as the Lord Himself would have done it.

Stay classy, Rick

Ever since being declared America's Pastor/Archbishop/Representative on the Church Bake Sale Committee after he gave an invocation at the Inauguration, Rick Warren has done his best not to deal meth, bang hookers, cheat on his wife, be gay, say crazy religious shit, or do anything to disgrace the fake title that was conferred upon him by the media. Well....about that last part. Seems that when he as asked about his affiliation with pastor Martin Ssempa, a Ugandan minister who in addition to setting back effective preventative AIDS measures with his "burn condoms for Jesus" program, also backs legislation that would make being gay punishable by imprisonment or death, Rick forgot to say it was bad. Whoops!

But Warren won't go so far as to condemn the legislation itself. A request for a broader reaction to the proposed Ugandan antihomosexual laws generated this response: "The fundamental dignity of every person, our right to be free, and the freedom to make moral choices are gifts endowed by God, our creator. However, it is not my personal calling as a pastor in America to comment or interfere in the political process of other nations." On Meet the Press this morning, he reiterated this neutral stance in a different context: "As a pastor, my job is to encourage, to support. I never take sides."

Unless it's on Prop 8 or abortion or a host of other political issues, then you do take sides. But when a guy you repeatedly invite to your church and support is actively trying to pass a law which imprisons and kills people for being gay, you can't even offer a timid "Yeah, that's kind of bad"? I'm sure Jesus is smiling down on you, giving the double thumbs up and remarking to some angel about the excellent way you equivocated. I don't think I can support him in the next election for America's Pastor.

An inability to condemn proposed state backed pogroms? Way to stay classy, Rick.

Headline of the day

American Wins New York Marathon

For the first time since 1982, an American has won the New York City Marathon. By which I mean an Eritrean immigrant who became an American citizen has won the New York Marathon. Good work Mr. Keflezighi, the US does not regret expediting your citizenship for the purpose of Kenyan shaming. In fact, if you know of any fast guys who can help us shame electric named Jamaicans, send 'em over.

This is America, we buy our champions. [insert Yankees joke here]

What's that, Africa? Yeah, it's the return of "We got yo runners!"

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.02

Kalashnikov Manufacturer Faces Bankruptcy
And it was the preferred weapon of every paramilitary organization, freedom fights, pirate, and child army in existence! It's a surprise to say the least. I guess old man Kalashnikov should have learned the phrase "planned obsolescence" and not made guns that would work forever in any type of poor condition. Ah well, if new one aren't flooding the market this might make the AK's you can buy for $20 in Africa go up in price. How's a child army going to afford that? Will no one think of the children?

Special Health Care for Congress: Lawmakers' Health Care Perks
While our elected betters debate whether to make a small or large leap from the shittiest health care system in the developed world towards the second shittiest, ABC News decides to take a look at the health care they give themselves. In addition to great health insurance they also get access to a medical clinic which also serves as an addition comprehensive health care plan that is good for anything short of major surgery. But the peasants can't be allowed to engage in some form of health care that causes too much undue competition to the industry that rips us off. I try not to hate you with every fiber of my being, government, but you make it too easy.

Dwarves found 'theme park' commune to escape bullying
As a white Christian male in the key 25-54 ad demo, I'm not one who much understands the plights of those who aren't. But if you're a group of dwarves trying to avoid bullying and mockery from the public at large, wouldn't the last thing you do is start up a theme park where those people can pay money to watch you engage in "It's a Small World" performance tropes? I'm just sayin' is all.

A grand unifying theory for Superman
Finally, someone has decided to address the scientific concerns I've always had with superhero superpowers in regards to Newtonian theory. And all the better that it's done by someone affiliated with Ryan North's Dinosaur Comics and done in a serious manner. Now you don't need to read Superman comics and be annoyed by the fact he can fly, now you have a scientifically consistent explanation and the possibility of further study in a journal quality paper. Now if only someone would tackle the seeming genetic impossibilities present in the X-Men.

George Will Believes The Hottest Decade In History Shows An ‘Absence Of Significant Warming’
The Wonk Room decides to take on George Will's seeming propensity to look at hard facts, measurements, and statistics about global warming, then lie about them. As well as the fact that the Washington Post doesn't seem to care that he does it time and time again. I guess if you let Charles Krauthammer, David Broder, Richard Cohen, Robert Kagan, and Bill Kristol spew bullshit ranging from vapid to dishonest to actively damaging the country all over your column pages, one more guy doesn't really make a difference.

Headline of the day

Zambian Monkeys Evicted For Peeing On President Banda

Oh yes, there's video. Of course there's video. The people of Zambia will be feasting on monkey stew tonight.

Now you can be born in Kenya, just like our President

Want your own certificate of birth from Kenya, but have the misfortune of being born in America and have no sufficiently crazy political opponents ready to forge documents and waste countless hours of their time try to prove this fact about you? In step the people of Kenyan Birth Certificate Generator, now you can have your own official document proving your top secret birth in an African country. You'll have to invent the conspiracy to cover this fact up and get you into a position of power on your own time. It even looks like an Australian birth certificate, just like Obama's!

Sure, you'll know it's a fake, but thousands of idiots on right wing message boards will believe it's unquestionable proof of your Kenyan birth. You might even get a personally delivered hate screed from G. Gordon Liddy. He might even plot to murder you! In the end, as long as one of your parents was an American citizen, it won't affect your eligibility to take elected office even if it were true, but you tell trying your new found hate filled political enemies that. It's all part of the conspiracy.

He came back for some reason

Well it's Monday, and after a quick trip to the G8 and a brisk walk through the parts of Africa it's safe to walk through, President Obama decided to come back to America for some reason. Why? It's so much easier overseas.

Take the G8 Conference for example. As per all G8 meetings they made a bunch of huge promises that they totally swear they are going to do but also noted that it's difficult to say when they actually were going to get around to them, if ever. Hopefully Barry learned a few lessons during his first G8: talk up everything, accomplish nothing in a ridiculously short amount of time, then proclaim everything a massive success.

Take their climate change agreement that "the increase in global average temperature above pre-industrial levels ought not to exceed two degrees centigrade." Note that not only did they not come to any hard numbers or binding plans about how to actually do this, nut that even the language on their agreement is weaselly. "Ought not", not must not, can not, or, critically, will not. Then there's that pledge to give $20 billion for farm aid in Africa. If it's like other pledges they'll just end up crying poverty and stiffing Africa for the dinner check. Then Obama went for a quick jaunt to Africa where he got to strut around and bask in the glow of that farm aid promise that the rest of the G8 is going to welsh on and take easy shots at African despots, calling for an end to their tyranny.

Now he's coming home where he has to actually get things done and get them by the world's dumbest legislative body. Why tangle with this domestic madness? Did he need to watch the Sotomayor circus? Watch Goldmann-Sachs post up huge profits off the backs of the last round of bailouts? Watch Senators dick around on health care? There's nothing for you here Barry, just run and never look back. Turtle until a G20 or another G8 meeting comes around. Then you'll be able to feel like you've done something again.

Thanks telcoms!

Hey were you wondering how come it was so easy for Iran's Wizened Council of religious Scolds and Vote Riggers was so easily able to shut down citizens access to the internet and all its vast informational tubes? A system that is described as "better than China's"? Siemens and Nokia built it for them! Why? Cause integrity don't pay.

Two European companies — a major contractor to the U.S. government and a top cell-phone equipment maker — last year installed an electronic surveillance system for Iran that human rights advocates and intelligence experts say can help Iran target dissidents.

Nokia Siemens Networks (NSN), a joint venture between the Finnish cell-phone giant Nokia and German powerhouse Siemens, delivered what is known as a monitoring center to Irantelecom, Iran's state-owned telephone company.

A spokesman for NSN said the servers were sold for "lawful intercept functionality," a technical term used by the cell-phone industry to refer to law enforcement's ability to tap phones, read e-mails and surveil electronic data on communications networks.

Here's some more good news: Germany, the UK, Austria, and the US all have similar technology to Iran....they just don't use it or use it in a limited amount! Freedom marches on!

So if you're keeping track at home, when factoring in the US domestic wiretapping and spying scandal, installing freedom smashing protocols in dictatorships, and the ones that help fuel African wars through dirty dealings for materials needed in cell phones, that places the exact number of decent telecommunications companies at....zero. One if you count your ability to tie two tin cans and some string together as making you a part of the telcom industry. And that's only if you used fair trade tin and string in the construction of the only ethical form of long distance communication left. Besides shouting, that is. Writing on paper with a pen involves tree murder and squid molesting.

Now try using a phone without feeling a little bit of shame today. Hopefully I ruined the experience for you.

Broken In Brief: Unused Red Wings championship t-shirts diverted from Third World to Detroit

DETROIT—Today the National Hockey League and UNICEF announced that instead of donating irrelevant "Detroit Red Wings 2009 Stanley Cup Champions" apparel to the impoverished Third World nations of Africa, the items will instead be sent to the impoverished third-world city of Detroit.

“After much deliberation, we have decided to send these shirts and caps to where they are most needed,” announced NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, during a morning press conference. “We believe that the basic shelter from the sun that these garments will provide, not to mention the psychological boost Detroit's citizens will receive by thinking something positive happened to their city this year, far outweighs the good they would have done in Africa."

Continued Bettman, "The NHL and UNICEF are proud to do whatever we can to mitigate the misery felt by the beleaguered citizens of that destitute Third World hell hole. Plus, we'll save a bundle on shipping.”

Whereas the shirts and caps would normally be put on a cargo vessel bound for the west coast of Africa, aid officials speculate they can cut fuel costs by over 90% by simply dropping boxfuls at Detroit's high-traffic public areas: soup kitchens, homeless shelters and freeway underpasses. Added UNICEF spokesperson Kyle Madigan, "I think the people, and I use that term loosely, of Detroit know better than most how important it is to conserve fossil fuels."

Reaction from the Third World was largely positive. “I think these people just need these garments more than we do,” said Thabo M’Leza, a subsistence farmer from the Mbemba tribe of Nambia, while wearing a 'New England Patriots: 19-0' t-shirt. “We have heard of these hardships faced by the Detroit people and, frankly, we are in awe of their suffering. Let them have the shirts and some manner of dignity; we’ll get by without the free hats. We wouldn’t wish their troubles on our worst enemy.”

Nike and the NBA have already agreed to join the NHL in bringing some measure of humanity to a city that has quickly become everything foretold by the Robocop films. NBA Commissioner David Stern has offered to send unused Orlando Magic championship caps, as well as shirts bearing the “Kobe vs. LeBron: The Finals matchup everyone’s been waiting for” slogan.

Said a clearly emotional Stern, "No American should ever be looked down upon in pity by Windsor, Ontario."

Representatives from the City of Detroit were unavailable for comment, however sources close to whichever oft-indicted criminal is sitting behind the mayor's desk this week say that they are looking forward to a time when the rest of the nation grows tired of kicking the Motor City as it lies fat, irrelevant and helpless on the oily ground.

DeBeers: Adding insult to exploitation

From DeBeers, the company that funds murderous African paramilitaries, juntas, civil wars, worker exploitation, slave labor, deadly working conditions, and illegal price fixing comes: diamond tribal masks. Y'know for all those Africans who want to bling out a generically exploited form of their culture. That is if they're able to save up the pennies a day they get paid for a thousand years, aren't drafted into a militia to go fight a civil war, and if DeBeers hasn't illegally thrown them off their tribal lands.

Those are all pretty likely, so I guess rich white women will have to pick up the slack and buy them. They can wear them to a inner city schools benefit.

Sadly this necklace was DeBeers second design choice. They were going to go with a blinged up migrant worker, a kid with his arm hacked off, and a diamond pit, but they couldn't work out how to represent abject poverty, shameless exploitation, or excessive human rights violations. Maybe the Monopoly guy sitting on a worker, lighting a cigar with a burning map of Africa. But then we get into likeness rights issues with Parker Brothers. The masks were the right way to go. At least the money will go to help improve conditions in Africa a kickass yacht party.

The irony is pan-seared

Above is the menu for the G8 summit in Hokkaido. It was comprised of a six-course lunch and dinner made by Katsuhiro Nakamura, the first Japanese chef to win a Michelin star. The theme was blessings of the earth and the sea. All the leaders were at the G8 summit to focus on...

WAIT FOR IT...

The global food crisis.

Thankfully Bush didn't embarrass this country beyond the base level of hypocrisy on display, that honor went to the UK's Gordon Brown who on Sunday criticized his own country for wasting food, then proceeded to dine on dolphin brain sauteed in orphan tears.

When asked about the monument to hypocrisy that he was building out of roasted sea scallops and white asparagus, Brown argued that he wasn't wasting food because he cleaned his plate like a good boy. Later noting that "...he really liked the way the orphan tears mingled with the dolphin. The sadness really brought out the higher mammal brain function flavor." He then tossed a bag of rice on Africa's floor, thanked her for such a good time, then promised he'd call her again at the next G8 summit.

When in doubt, steal

There is something so very sadly appropriate about this. From the country that brought you the largest genocidal land grab of the last 500 years comes "We got yo runners!"

Lagat Wins 5,000 Meters to Qualify
EUGENE, Ore. — Bernard Lagat, who has won two Olympic medals for Kenya, qualified for his first United States Olympic team on Monday night, making a move in the final half lap to win the 5,000 meters at the track and field trials.
...
Lagat, 33, won a bronze medal for Kenya in the 1,500 meters at the 2000 Sydney Olympics and a silver in the 1,500 at the 2004 Athens Olympics. He also became an American citizen in 2004. Competing in his inaugural competition for the United States, he won the 1,500 and 5,000 meters at the 2007 world track and field championships in Osaka, Japan.

Aaaand the rockets red glaaaaare....