PORTLAND—After nearly a day of thinking it through, and against the better judgment of his friends, area man Fred Hayter has decided to proceed with a proposed record-for-futon exchange arranged over the weekend with an anonymous Craigslist patron. In an interview with local media, Mr. Hayter explained that he was pretty sure the meet-up he organized through the popular classifieds hub, which has come under fire after several murders and kidnappings were arranged through the site, would not end in his gruesome and peculiar murder at the hands of a complete stranger.
“Yeah, I’m like 70-30 I’ll come back alive,” said Hayter during his press conference. “No wait, make that 60-40. I’m gonna go over there with my first edition pressing of Prince’s Batdance single, exchange it for a slightly soiled futon and, unlike most Craigslist patrons, will not in any way have my throat slit and my corpse violated by a digital serial killer. Probably. I think.”
When asked what gave him cause to think that he would return alive, Hayter attributed it to “a strong gut feeling” and pointed out the fact that in his near-24 years of existence, he had yet to be murdered. He also pointed to a digital e-pinkyswear certificate submitted by the futon's owner, known as lecterfan666@aol.com, as well as an e-mail pledge that Mr. Hayter would return from the meeting with both a futon and most, if not all, of his blood.
“Sure, I know trying to get something off of Craigslist has become the most dangerous undertaking on Earth,” Hayter said after signing and having notarized a living will drawn up by his lawyers. “But I need that futon. My dog Baxter won’t sleep in a cage, so I think you can see the kind of position I’m in.”
Hayter hopes to either have his new futon, or his body dismembered and shoved in a crawl space next to some hobo corpses by around 7:00 tomorrow evening. Funeral services are being tentatively arranged for the weekend.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment