The wisdom of Beck

A lot of things can be said about Glenn Beck. Most of them involve curse words and the word 'lunatic'. But one does have to appreciate the complete and total way he devotes his life to finding Nazi, communist, and socialist hobgoblins in every corner of life. "Can I eat Cinnamon Life cereal this morning," he asks himself, "Or is this what Hitler wants?" "Sure the Kansas City Chiefs have a storied football tradition.... but I don't like the tint of that red on their jerseys."

Given the fervor with which he attacks these menacing demons and the frequency of his tears, this quest has probably turned his life into some sort of living hell where he exists constantly in fear of anything he does leaving the door open for socialist parasites to scamper up his leg and lay eggs in his brain.

So what's he on about now? Religion. More specifically, religions that are Christian, but have yet to be co-opted by the religious right movement. They are, of course, bastions of Nazism and communism. Keep in mind that when he was delivering this sermon, Beck was actually waving around a swastika and hammer & sickle.

"I'm begging you, your right to religion and freedom to exercise religion and read all of the passages of the Bible as you want to read them and as your church wants to preach them . . . are going to come under the ropes in the next year. If it lasts that long it will be the next year. I beg you, look for the words 'social justice' or 'economic justice' on your church Web site. If you find it, run as fast as you can. Social justice and economic justice, they are code words. Now, am I advising people to leave their church? Yes!"

"Communists are on the left, and the Nazis are on the right. That's what people say. But they both subscribe to one philosophy, and they flew one banner. . . . But on each banner, read the words, here in America: 'social justice.' They talked about economic justice, rights of the workers, redistribution of wealth, and surprisingly, democracy."

'Social justice' and 'economic justice'. Do these words appear anywhere in the bible? No. But the concepts they represent? You know, equality of opportunity, equality of outcome, human rights, basic equality, economic egalitarianism, the dignity of a person, and care for the poor? That's all the stuff Jesus said. Glenn Beck just told everyone to run screaming from a church that asks you to be more like Jesus, John Rawls, and Thomas Aquinas and look out for people.

Guess what, if you're in one of the churches that actually spends it's time working for concepts of social and economic justice instead of prattling on about the gay menace or fighting abortion through means that don't ever actually decrease abortions, you're in one of the good churches. You're in a church that is actually committed to changing things in a beneficial and long-lasting way instead of waging a Pyrrhic campaign of ideology at the expense of meaningful action that will never be won.

On the other hand, fuck Diamond J. Sure He was all "Treat the poor well", "A rich bitch ain't going to heaven unless a camel trots his ass through the eye of this needle", and "Hey Judas, who're all your soldier friends and what's with the kissing?", but when did he ever sufficiently bash gays, praise Reagan, or excuse torture? Never, that's when. So why listen to him. As always, Glenn's right. Next time you hear your pastor talk about Jesus that, poor people this, healed leper that, run.

And remember: that healed leper probably cut into a Nazareth insurance companies bottom line.

Broken News: McMahon to vie for seat at God's right hand

SILVER CITY--In a stunning turn of events, sources close to the Most High have revealed that freshly dead celebrity Ed McMahon has been tapped to replace Jesus at the right hand of God. Those familiar with the whims and wishes of The Creator said His chief Seraph opened negotiations with McMahon's representatives almost immediately after the affable "Tonight Show" sidekick had completed his exit interview with Saint Peter.

Experts predict the former late night mainstay, game show host and face of the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes will land something in the neighborhood of a ten-century, 500-virgin deal, not including an expected record-breaking signing bonus.

The move is expected to bolster flagging ratings and decreased interest in an omnipotent being humanity used to fear and revere, but now sees as stodgy and behind the times. Those working behind the scenes hope the addition of a noted showbiz professional will revive abject terror interest in God that recent polling suggests has flagged due to Jesus being viewed as an "unnervingly morbid" member of the undead.

When asked to explain such a sudden change in policy, Ethereal Plane insiders hinted at a widening rift between The Almighty and His son, Jesus Haploid Christ, who has retained the RHoG spot for nearly 2,000 consecutive years. This spat is apparently rooted, among other things, in last summer's botched attempt to replace The Holy Ghost, after which the relationship grew cold.

Asked how one recently deceased media whore could possibly challenge the Throne, a winged pundit said, on condition of anonymity, "Change is good. And everyone loves an overweight, money-hungry drunk with a nose redder than Rudolph's. For the first time since Jerry Garcia died, we are dealing with a prospect who is actually capable of challenging Big J on a chemical level. And this is a guy with wine for blood."

He then clarified, "Jesus, I mean. Not sure about Eddie. I think what runs in his veins closer to a mixture of absinthe and jet fuel."

"Listen, have you taken a look at Earth recently? The Big Guy is clearly a fan of the sauce." Said another creature of light with intimate knowledge of the proceedings. "Shit, Dean Martin or Robert Mitchum would've had this seat back in the mid-nineties if they hadn't both told God to piss off and gone back to drinking bourbon out of Cleopatra's bra and starting bar fights with Gary Cooper."

Those close to the Son of God say that far from being angered over this decision, he welcomes the change. Several apostles have noted that the constant strain of working so closely with one's father, as well as long-festering tension over God not mentioning the whole Crucifixion thing until the day before it happened. Sources also point to stylistic personality clashes stemming from Jesus' more serious, brooding demeanor.

"They're just two different people, you know, when they aren't unified together in the Trinity as one being," said former apostle, author, and drinking buddy of Jesus', Mark.

"God has more of a Borscht Belt/Catskills/Henny Youngman kind of vibe, whereas Diamond J is more of a political thinker and populist/humanist. God would be cracking jokes about airplane food and Jesus would be raging over social injustice. And moneylenders, always had something to say about the moneylenders. Maybe God told him to 'Get off the cross' one too many times. McMahon knows how to sit there, not flinch, and laugh at a bad joke. He's perfect."

"God's sense of humor isn't for everybody," Mark finished, noting the platypus, the placement of Israel within the Middle East, the works of Tyler Perry, turning people into pillars of salt, and the Trail of Tears as prime examples.

Supposedly, the plan is for McMahon, pending a final interview with God, to take over in July, with Jesus moving down to a less-stressful, part-time slot. Should this changeover not prove successful, there are those who have intimated that the Holy Host was willing to give Jimmy Fallon or Conan O'Brien cancer in order to attract a younger demographic.

Recent arrival George Carlin, who was celebrating his one-year anniversary of still refusing to believe any of this fucking bullshit sun worship, shook his head and went back to writing.