Friday, February 6, 2009

Broken News: Bloggers outfit Paul Krugman with mechanized war suit


Schematic of ECON7-KRUGBOT MK-3000 (Click to enlarge)

SECRET UNDERGROUND LAB--Driven to the point of repeatedly striking their heads against the wall in reaction to Congress' reluctance to do anything about the crumbling empire over which it presides, infamous Internet malcontents Matthew and Sean announced today that they have completed construction of a mechanized battle suit designed specifically for Paul Krugman.

The pair hope that the Nobel Prize-winning professor of economics and international affairs at Princeton University, whom they credit as "the only motherfucker in the room talking any goddamn sense" will don the suit and descend upon Congress and force them to confront the imminent collapse of their nation's economy.

While they are keeping most of the suit's specifications secret, Matthew did divulge that its weaponry would include a cast-iron Economics 101 textbook to be used as a cudgel, as well as a circular blade of sharpened adamantium, bench tested at roughly 4,000 RPM. Reading from a prepared statement, Matthew said, "The ECON7-KRUGBOT MK-3000", which is named for the number of times it has been programmed to stomp on Nancy Pelosi's testicles, has emerged from the final round of testing and is ready to jump start the economy by jumping on some empty skulls."

"'The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.' Jefferson said that," explained Sean. "I say there's no reason that blood shouldn't drip from the tip of a four-foot retractable serrated claymore attached to three tons of death-dealing heavy machinery wielded by an angry intellectual."

The frustrations behind this endeavor are apparently the result of Matthew and Sean having paid far too much attention to Congress over the last two weeks, an action that Cambrige University Neurologist Dr. Hamil Fayden compared to "dilating one's pupils and staring directly into a solar eclipse whilst running one's testicles through a pasta wheel."

As Matthew later explained through a welding mask while he was bent over what appeared to be a device designed to fire rocket-propelled chainsaws, "Reason clearly escapes these cretins. 300 million Americans are staring down financial Ragnarok and all Congress can do is quibble over a few million bucks for a sewage treatment plant in Crotchrot, Kentucky. If these charlatans won't listen to a measured, well-informed argument from a Nobel Laureate, maybe they'll listen to a twelve foot steel spike in the face and a liberal sprinkling of grenades and tracer fire."

Though enthusiastic about the project, Sean seemed slightly less optimistic than his counterpart about its results. "I just hope he leaves a few of them alive. For one thing, covering all of those new, governor-appointed senators would be a pain in the tits. But more than that, I'm really hoping to take [House Minority Leader John] Boehner out into a crowded intersection and beat him with a garden hose full of marbles."

The plan, inasmuch as loosing a mech-suited economist into the halls of congress to pass violent judgment on members of government can be called a plan, calls for our elected betters to be brought in front of the iron behemoth, whereupon they will be questioned on general economic principles as well as recession and depression history. If they cannot express a coherent economic thought or name a statistically or historically supported bailout proposal then Krugman will be allowed to mete out punishment based on the weaponry at his disposal. Or alternately, depending on his mood, wade onto the halls of Congress firing indiscriminately, having prejudged everyone as guilty. Sources say both Matthew and Sean are rooting for the latter option.

When asked to comment on the proposal, Congressional Quarterly's Craig Crawford shuddered and noted, "I've been covering politics since 1989 and I have yet to find one Congressman or woman who could cogently articulate what scientists would call a 'thought' on economics. Christ, they're still arguing over whether there need to be more tax cuts that don't work or what random dollar amount they should arbitrarily pick and decide to remove from the stimulus plan in order to appear 'centrist'. It's going to be a bloodbath. All I know is I've got my seats in the upper balcony reserved and a trashbag full of popcorn at the ready."

The pair admitted to having no luck in securing Krugman's blessing, much less his agreement to enter the metal monstrosity and spread his financial gospel to the non-believers.

"We have faith," said Sean as he painted a logo reminiscent of Boba Fett's insignia on the Krugbot's left shoulder plate. "Failing that, we'll have his family in chains."

Calls to Professor Krugman's office were not immediately returned, although Princeton spokeswoman Marissa Florentine did state unequivocally that both Matthew and Sean had been preemptively banned from setting foot on university property.

No comments: