Broken News: Detroit accidentally invited to Rust Belt party

Fe → Fe²⁺ + 2 e⁻A distinct awkwardness ensued at this weekend's annual Rust Belt Potluck and Regression Party when Detroit, whom the member cities had agreed not to invite, showed up empty handed and visibly intoxicated, dragging a rusty red wagon carrying the broken remnants of its automotive industry.

"We we getting ready to crack open Toledo's bacon-wrapped meatloaf when, all of a sudden, Detroit kicked open the door," said Rochester, who hosted this year's event. "That prick crashes the party, makes all sorts of comments to Windsor's wife about 'short-dicked Canadians' and then gets indignant when we ask it to leave? He used to be King Shit Auto and can't handle the fact that it's all going downhill and Japan is pulling all the hot model ass he used to pull. Even Korea is fucking with him now. He's on the government dole and just can't deal with it."

The event has taken place every summer since 1983, when the future (or lack thereof) of America's manufacturing base became clear. Typically, the participant cities take turns hosting the party, although Cleveland has skipped its past two scheduled hosting duties due to its ongoing struggles with alcohol and depression.

According to eyewitnesses, Detroit managed to offend each and every city in attendance, at one point taking off its pants and declaring itself "The only Economic Depression Sheriff in Town" while grabbing at its crotch and wildly swinging a tattered aluminum replica of the Stanley Cup above its head.

"We're all in the shits to varying degrees, but we try to stick together, you know?" said Gary, Indiana. "It's not so much a party as a support group. We've all been roundly fucked over by the coupling of government and multinational corporations and it can get pretty depressing. This event is supposed to be a brief reprieve from the soul-crushing despair. Then someone had to go and invite Detroit..."

"He needs help," said Gary as he sighed into a plastic bowl of macaroni salad.

This behavior continued for close to an hour before Syracuse tricked Detroit into believing that Pittsburgh was willing to apologize for rubbing salt in its sporting wounds and was waiting in the driveway. Upon going outside, Detroit was confronted by Duluth, Milwaukee and Youngstown, all of whom were wielding crude street fighting implements. After a tense discussion punctured only by Cleveland's high-pitched, whiny insistence that everyone, "Just calm down and come inside for more Kamikaze shots," a sobbing Detroit ran off into the night, the remainders of his fake trophy scattered across the driveway, the wagon overturned in the gutter.

Speculation continues as to how or why Detroit came to know the time and location of the party, as the participant cities had all agreed not to say anything. In the hours since the incident, Pittsburgh has emerged as the prime suspect. Some think the city of 300 thousand, which has rebounded from the collapse of its heavy industry better than any of the others, might have wanted to gloat over its recently regained "City of Champions" moniker, lack of any major fires or floods, and emerging high tech and medical corridors.

Asked to address the events of the evening, Pittsburgh cracked open another Iron City tall boy, took a long sip, and said, "What? Oh, I'm sorry, I couldn't hear your question over the sound of all this winning. I was just busy reading a few things that I found interesting," The 'Burgh quipped before dramatically throwing down copies of the Economist, US News & World Report, and Rand McNally's Places Rated Almanac, all of which have recently rated Pittsburgh America's "Most Livable" city.

"Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go make preparations for a G-20 meeting. That's right, the Group of Twenty Finance Ministers and Central Bank Governors will be all up in my many rivers. Stephen Harper and Susilo Yudhoyono, live and in the flesh, bitches. Not that any of you would know what that's like. See yinz later," Pittsburgh laughed before firing an empty can at the back of Cleveland's head and sauntering out the door.

An embittered Cincinnati, a single tear rolling down its pudgy cheek, was heard to mutter, "He'll be back down here with the rest of us, you just wait," before burying his face between Green Bay's bulbous man breasts.

Detroit has yet to resurface since the evening in question and is believed to be in seclusion aboard a barge anchored in the western end of Lake Erie. This is admittedly speculation, though, as no one seems to be looking all that hard.