SEATTLE—Area man Jack Swenson today adamantly insisted that he was standing in line to purchase the new Jonas Brothers album, Lines, Vines and Trying Times on behalf of his “daughter.” He swore that not only was she a humongous fan who can't get enough of their wholesome, positive image, but that she completely and totally existed and was in no way a fabrication of any sort whatsoever.
“I would like to stress that I am in no way buying this album for myself,” Swenson proclaimed to disbelieving onlookers. “It’s for my daughter. Her name is Chelsea. She’s 12. She exists! I have in no way become a fan of this teen power-pop trio whose catchy hooks and handsome looks have captivated an entire nation. I would also like to state for the record that my daughter thinks Joe is the cutest and note that even if I did happen to listen to “Burnin’ Up” a couple hundred times it does not in any way make me a pederast.”
As a crowd of onlookers gathered, his plaintive cries of “Please believe me” were drowned out by hoots, hollers, and some shouts of solidarity from some of the creepier mob members. As Mr. Swenson ran out of the mall yelling that he “had to get the CD to his ‘daughter’” several women in their mid-to-late thirties near the Barnes & Noble were relieved that this distraction had given them time to by several of the Twilight books without having to use any made-up stories involving birthday presents for nieces and nephews, nor conjure any biographical details of the imaginary children they had invented.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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