Broken News: Area Manager Ends 1,000th Sentence with "I'm Just that Kind of Manager"

PEORIA, IL--A local middle-management cronie successfully invoked the phrase, "I'm just that kind of manager" for the 1,000th time earlier today, according to four bored staff members who have been keeping track. Dora Louise Frayburg, Regional Sales Manager for Braverhorn, a Chicago-based catalog printer, began using the phrase after a January leadership conference she paid for out-of-pocket.

Given her incessant repetition of the maxim -- a conference workshop claimed it would bestow upon the manager an air of accessibility and friendliness -- Frayburg's sales team could not help but tally incidents of its occurrence on post-it notes and internal emails.

"It took us a week or so to notice, considering none of us really ever pays attention to what she has to say," explained Data Analyst Mark McFadden. "But after a while, it was all you heard. Kind of like when you finally notice an overhead light that's probably been buzzing for days and then you can't not hear it."

Asked about the phrase, Frayburg smiled and leaned forward over her desk, her elbows and interlocked fingers forming a clean, equilateral triangle in front of her. "I learned a great deal about myself and what my employees expect of me. Namely, power coupled with sensitivity, intelligence with humility, and leadership with accessibility. That's why I have my hands in the 'power triangle,' even though you [this reporter] and I are speaking quite plainly. I can tell you that because you're a reporter, but my team has no idea."

"We know exactly what she's doing," explained Senior Sales Representative Lesie Keenen. "Mark used bit torrent to download the PowerPoint deck from that stupid conference she went to. The phrases, the body positioning, the subtle lighting changes in her office. What horseshit. Adding dimmer switches isn't going to make her less incompetent."

As the "Asshole Counter," (pronounced "Cunt-er") as it came to be known amongst the team, inched closer to the 1,000 mark, the group hotly debated how best to mark the occasion. Junior Sales Rep Melissa Jaffe suggested one balloon for each incident be crammed into Freyburg's office, while McFadden and Keenen focused on how best to murder their superior and dispose of the body without being apprehended by the authorities.

"The bog is where I'm thinking," said Keenan. "I figure we lay out the tarp, kill her on it, fold her up in it, put it in the back of my Hyundai, and toss the corpse in the bog. Burn our clothes afterwards. That's how I'd do it. Frankly being caught doesn't even concern me. I might just do it during the morning meeting. Fuck it, let the cops come and take me down. As long as the warden doesn't ever say 'I'm just that kind of warden' I can deal with any number of rapes. Any number."

Although she has been Regional Sales Manager for only six months, less time than any of her employees has been with the company, Frayburg already seems to have ostracized herself completely, her repeated requests for "a lunch on the company tab, double-hush" met with lies about doctor appointments, friends visiting from out of town, and mysterious headaches.

"She just doesn't seem to get it," said McFadden. "The woman routinely passes off her work to us, takes credit for our ass-busting, and is the last one in and first one out every single day. That is what kind of manager she is."

"I hate to turn into one of those type of people that incessantly compares their office to TV and movie offices, but frankly we'd kill for a David Brent," continued Jaffe, referencing the British version of The Office. "Her performance is sub-Lumbergh and I really feel sometimes that I'm going to burn this place down. It's a tinder box of paper, toner, hatred, and particle board."

Still, the repercussions of this new management strategy have not been exclusively negative, with one employee, Cedric Davidson, praising Frayburg, in a manner of speaking.

"Making fun of that loopy bitch got me laid," claims Davidson. "When we finally figured it out, right before Valentine's Day, I all of a sudden had fresh material for my date. That chick thought I was fucking hilarious."

The phrase has even made it's way into their everyday joke rotation, with "I'm just that kind of blank" becoming the go-to quip for instant hilarity. A lunchtime bon mot of "I'm just that kind of sandwich" resulted in tomato soup being snorted through one co-workers nose and a reported near pants wetting.

For her efforts, Frayburg received a Hallmark card signed by the entire team, offering their congratulations. While the card did not specifically state exactly what it was she was being congratulated for, the corporate clown was too busy holding back tears to seek an explanation. Her subordinates having left the room, somehow holding back laughter, Frayburg returned to the 'power triangle' pose and said, "You see? I'm just that kind of manager."