Broken News: Sanford immune to impeachment under arcane SC statutes

COLUMBIA, SC--With the media's attention firmly fixated on revelations that Gov. Mark Sanford's clandestine trip to Argentina was made to visit his mistress, thereby dishonoring himself and his party, few are examining the potential legal repercussions of his actions.

One of those few is Dr. Darlene Williams, a scholar of South Carolina's constitution and author of Yes, We Can Read: A Brief Introduction to South Carolinian Governance.

More surprising than the fact that someone can actually earn a PhD through such research is Dr. Williams' claim that by virtue of his extramarital offenses alone, Gov. Stanford cannot be forced from office by the state legislature.

"There is literally a codicil in the state constitution that specifically prohibits impeachment of a governor who was found to have traveled to Argentina for any purpose, including and especially fornication," said Williams. "You can look it up."

Indeed, upon further investigation, this organization uncovered a section of the South Carolina constitution that does precisely that. After defining the title itself, as well as the qualifications and responsibilities the office of Governor entails, the constitution goes on to state the following:

SECTION 19. Subclause 11.: Any Governor absconding unannounced to South American locales for activities pertaining to the ribald wetting of ones genitals and wanton acts of fuckery shall be immune to punitive action on the part of the state legislature or the populace.

SECTION 19. Subclause 12: The rights specified in SECTION 19. Subclause 11. shall exclude the country of Suriname and Guyana until such a time as the legislature decides their countries are no longer comprised of assholes.

According to Williams, this language was quietly inserted by the legislature at a midnight session not long after the conclusion of World War II.

"As we all know, South America was a popular refuge for Nazi war criminals in the years following the Allied victory. While South Carolinians fought bravely alongside Americans from every other state, well, let's just say that they didn't necessarily object to all of Hitler's, um, 'solutions'..." Williams said, while making "quotey fingers" and winking.

Gov. Sanford was unavailable for comment at press time, although Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer swore he had no prior knowledge of the indemnifying clause.

"Listen, I consider myself fairly well-versed in my state's constitution," said Bauer. "I know that there's a section on accepting federal aid for highways and hurricane relief while rejecting it for everything else. I know that the Three-fifths compromise can still be implemented in times of statewide emergency. I know that our leader must must not only swear an oath to a higher being but also legitimately believe in said power. And I know that when-- I mean, if, we secede again, that power over the state militia reverts to the Vice President of Philip Morris USA. But this? I had no idea."

When asked if there is language in the state constitution explicitly preventing a Governor from being removed due to dereliction of duty -- one example given was deserting a post that commands state and national guard forces -- or, in simple terms, abandonment of office, Bauer tugged at his collar and screamed "Christ on a cross, what is that!?" before running from the podium, diving into a waiting car, and heading for the "Appalachian Trail."

The other two South Carolina constitutional scholars in existence point to possible legal proceedings taking place under Section 16-15-60 of the South Carolina Code of Laws which explicitly make adultery illegal and punishable by a $500 fine and up to a year in prison. But, as to that point, Williams is unsure that South Carolina law even recognizes South Americans and those of Latin descent as legally valid human beings.

"It's really unclear, as the Constitution only ever mentions a Governor taking a white woman abroad to fornicate with," said the Dr. while poring over an original copy of the state Constitution scrawled on the back of a yellowed whiskey label. "There are a lot of references here to, "southern hemisphere mud people," as well as what constitutes fair trade for one in livestock. Also some crude plans to set South America on fire, but no mention of either Latin or South Americans possessing rights or legal recognition of any sort. I think the Governor is in the clear on this one."

Added the other scholar, "Unless he violated Section 16-15-120 in the Code of Laws pertaining to Buggery. That thing's ironclad, be it a 'mud person', 'comely goat', 'traveling gypsy minstrel', 'alluring fruit and/or vegetable', or 'regular white citizen' that gets buggered."

Until such a time as these complex legal issues are worked out, Governor Sanford is expected to be found sleeping on a couch in his office, "hiking", and pretending to be really sorry that he used South America as his personal sexual playground.