Yeah, you're going to want to click through to learn about the conspiracy that reaches back beyond Salem to before the Vikings, effects our bowel movements, and our transportation. Paiboon Sunthonchart Jr. knows and now he wants you to know.
Showing posts with label headlines. Show all posts
Showing posts with label headlines. Show all posts
Friday, July 9, 2010
Headlines
Yeah, you're going to want to click through to learn about the conspiracy that reaches back beyond Salem to before the Vikings, effects our bowel movements, and our transportation. Paiboon Sunthonchart Jr. knows and now he wants you to know.
LeGone
As the world watched LeBron's sad, narcissistic farewell/fuck you to the city of Cleveland, one had to sit back in awe at the misguided, cruel, tone deaf, ego stroking nonsense it was. A double fuck you to ESPN, for hyping it and shoving it down everyone's throats. This is why we hate you, Worldwide Leader.
But aside from the whole media whoring, mememememememe, "I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James.... What LeBron James was going to do to make him happy" third person, self-absorbed bullshit that it was, one had to take note at just how needlessly mean it was to a franchise he spent 7 years with and the fans who "witnessed". Or whatever inane Nike slogan it was they used to crown the King. Cleveland, we sympathize. OK, we don't. But it was still a shitty thing to do. As Deadspin put it: "LeBron James is a cocksucker." HE MADE BIEBER CRY!!
On the bright side, your owner went delightfully insane. First posting a letter full of righteous anger that wasn't even tempered by the curious, usually point destroying use of the font Comic Sans. He then knocked LeBron for his poor playoff performance and, rightfully, for quitting during the Celtics series. Fans were burning jerseys, screaming "Judas!", and talking themselves into Jake Delhomme and the upcoming Browns season. You know, depraved shit.
So Sean and I were eagerly awaiting the city's final farewell to LeTraitor, via the front page of the Plain Dealer. What cheap shot would they take? What insult would they hurl? What cruel photoshop would they unveil in order to mock and humiliate the jerkoff who spent an hour, nay offseason, jerking the city around in the unkindest of ways?
Eh. It's a nice, refined version of "Count the no rings, bitch" but we were hoping for so more. So we took it upon ourselves to offer up the city of Cleveland two alternative headlines to send the King off to his new position as Dwyane Wade's sidekick in South Beach.
Tell me they wouldn't already be going back to the printers to order a third run. C'mon Cleveland, this was your one chance to curse in a headline and be cheered for it. Missed opportunity. You had a chance to be justifiably and insanely bitter, vulgar, and mean in print, and you settled for catty.
Take solace though, aside from all the endorsement money he might have just cost himself by turning into the world's most unlikable ass, he probably stored up enough negative karma to engender a multi-ligament blowout on both of his knees somewhere around week one of training camp. Then Miami will be down to fielding a two man team filled out with "Win a spot on the Heat" raffle winners selected from season ticket holders.
Just hold out a little longer. The "delighting in his misery" part will be glorious.
But aside from the whole media whoring, mememememememe, "I wanted to do what was best for LeBron James.... What LeBron James was going to do to make him happy" third person, self-absorbed bullshit that it was, one had to take note at just how needlessly mean it was to a franchise he spent 7 years with and the fans who "witnessed". Or whatever inane Nike slogan it was they used to crown the King. Cleveland, we sympathize. OK, we don't. But it was still a shitty thing to do. As Deadspin put it: "LeBron James is a cocksucker." HE MADE BIEBER CRY!!
On the bright side, your owner went delightfully insane. First posting a letter full of righteous anger that wasn't even tempered by the curious, usually point destroying use of the font Comic Sans. He then knocked LeBron for his poor playoff performance and, rightfully, for quitting during the Celtics series. Fans were burning jerseys, screaming "Judas!", and talking themselves into Jake Delhomme and the upcoming Browns season. You know, depraved shit.
So Sean and I were eagerly awaiting the city's final farewell to LeTraitor, via the front page of the Plain Dealer. What cheap shot would they take? What insult would they hurl? What cruel photoshop would they unveil in order to mock and humiliate the jerkoff who spent an hour, nay offseason, jerking the city around in the unkindest of ways?
Eh. It's a nice, refined version of "Count the no rings, bitch" but we were hoping for so more. So we took it upon ourselves to offer up the city of Cleveland two alternative headlines to send the King off to his new position as Dwyane Wade's sidekick in South Beach.
Tell me they wouldn't already be going back to the printers to order a third run. C'mon Cleveland, this was your one chance to curse in a headline and be cheered for it. Missed opportunity. You had a chance to be justifiably and insanely bitter, vulgar, and mean in print, and you settled for catty.
Take solace though, aside from all the endorsement money he might have just cost himself by turning into the world's most unlikable ass, he probably stored up enough negative karma to engender a multi-ligament blowout on both of his knees somewhere around week one of training camp. Then Miami will be down to fielding a two man team filled out with "Win a spot on the Heat" raffle winners selected from season ticket holders.
Just hold out a little longer. The "delighting in his misery" part will be glorious.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Headline of the day
What it lacks in brevity it makes up for in insanity. This took place in Ireland, so I guess that partly explains it.
During the evening Talbot, who was wearing an inflatable sumo suit, bumped into her. When she turned around, the accused said to her: "Keep smiling, c**t."Well, obviously your could see why this escalated. Is there a humorous coda to this whole affair?
Later, a man dressed as a Snickers bar began waving at her and when she went to wave back, Talbot pushed her arm from behind. When she asked what the problem was, Talbot said: "Your arm's in my way."
When she again asked what her problem was, Talbot "flipped" and started screaming abuse at her.
The accused was escorted out and had to be asked to partially deflate her costume so she could get out the door.There we are.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Headline of the day
Although himself an avid football fan, the Most Rev Vincent Nichols, the head of the Roman Catholic Church in England and Wales, is worried that the forthcoming Papal visit could be marred by vuvuzelas.England, Scotland, Wales... I think you have been charged with a holy mission: subject the Pope to vuvuzelas.
"I have had enough of them already," says the Archbishop of Westminster. "I hope they stay in South Africa."
...
He is concerned that some people have got into the habit of using the plastic horns during the World Cup in South Africa and might not be able to resist using them when Pope Benedict XVI addresses crowds in Britain.
I think I can be certain when I state this: God wants you to do it. No... God NEEDS you to do it.
Imagine.....
"In nomine Patris, et Filii, et Spiritus Sanct..."
Do it.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Headline of the day
Is there more? Of course there's more.
Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail.Thankfully for the sake of freedom and America's fight against the Red Skull, Captain America will not do jail time.
...
Police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.
The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification."The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot.
Yes, this did happen in Florida. Did you even need to ask?
Friday, May 14, 2010
Headline of the Day
Monday, May 10, 2010
Headline of the day
Sadly, I'm not sure whether that headline is supposed to be written with a normal period or five exclamation points. I guess it depends on which side of the debate you fall on: normal Americans who don't have or want to have sex with animals... or the Florida legislature.
Why didn't the bill pass this time? Well, they say it's because someone tried to tack on a shady rider for guns and fertilizer, which killed the bill. I say it's because most of the Florida legislature enjoys the sexual thrill of when a wild gator goes into a death roll mid-coitus.
Lest they be accused of supporting sex with animals, the Florida Legislature quit trying to pass this bill because they claimed that they didn't want to be accused of wasting time by addressing this issue. But, as Think Progress points out, they were able to waste time addressing banning gays from adopting or marrying.
So, if you sleep with a member of the same sex, Florida has all the time in the world to meddle in your business. If you sleep with a member of another species, Florida can't be bothered. It's as God intended.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Headline of the day
Shakira Coming To Arizona To Investigate Immigration Law
I'm certain that if anyone will get to the bottom of the legality of this bill it's constitutional law scholar and international pop sensation Shakira. If there's anything this debate needed it was warbly singing in Spanish and English, belly dancing, and sexy zombie walking.
Oh Arizona, you thought you could get away with this and no one would object. But now you've brought down the wrath of Shakira. For your sake I hope she goes easy on you. You definitely don't want a internationally successful, genre crossing pop hit about how you're all a bunch of shitheads. So help you God if she brings along Wyclef or Beyonce.
I'm certain that if anyone will get to the bottom of the legality of this bill it's constitutional law scholar and international pop sensation Shakira. If there's anything this debate needed it was warbly singing in Spanish and English, belly dancing, and sexy zombie walking.
Oh Arizona, you thought you could get away with this and no one would object. But now you've brought down the wrath of Shakira. For your sake I hope she goes easy on you. You definitely don't want a internationally successful, genre crossing pop hit about how you're all a bunch of shitheads. So help you God if she brings along Wyclef or Beyonce.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Headlines
Don't worry your pretty little heads, there was just some damage to glass and some minor building damage. No injuries or casualties. Classic IRA work.
But this is your early clubhouse leader for 2010 headline that starts the most conversations with the phrase "You know, normally I don't condone acts of terrorism and bombings. But, on the other hand..."
Friday, February 5, 2010
Headline of the day
Yes, nicely reported. The story also reveals that Hitler extensively took anti-flatulence drugs. Let me say unequivocally: I am for this very kind of historically tendentious slander of dictators. I can't get enough of it.
So... anyone have any historical cross-dressing accounts of Joseph Stalin to regale us with?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Headline of the day
Yeah, that seems about right. It helps when all elected Democrats seem to agree that they're in the minority now.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Headline of the day
Of course it's about wire walkers being invited to cross a Korean river as part of a competition. But for just a second there... I was really worried that Luke and Leia had a blowout with everyone's favorite rogue smuggler and wookie aficionado.
Why yes, I am a huge loser. Why do you ask?
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Headline of the day
This is exactly how I want to die, even down to the exact navy that guns me down in a blaze of glory. I don't even have to be a cartel kingpin, I just want people to talk about my passing in these terms: "Oh you didn't hear about Matt? Yeah, tragic shit. He was shot to death in a firefight with the Mexican navy. They gunned him down, man... in cold blood. ...Fuckin' Mexican navy, they don't fuck around."
All in all, what with the frozen shark drug bust, it's been a banner year for the Armada de México.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Headline of the day
Let me help: A dog's love is worth the price of whatever it is you're eating when said dog has stopped plotting against you and befouling your lawn long enough to pretend to like you in a naked attempt to get a piece of what you're eating, or at least a chance to lick the plate.
All things being equal, it's the cost of a moderately priced sandwich.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Headline of the day
The song in question was the Bruce Hornsby-sampling Changes, released posthumously. I personally would have gone with California Love but Pope Benedict likes what Pope Benedict likes.
You can check out the Vatican's playlist on MySpace.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Headline of the day
Three more quit over Nutt sacking
No, not that kind, you bloody perverts. Apparently some British scientists on the UK advisory board are rather upset that their Chief Advisor, Professor David Nutt, was fired for criticizing his country's move to toughen penalties for marijuana, which Nutt argues is much less harmful than alcohol and tobacco. See what happens when reason and science collide, mannnn....
h/t Davin
No, not that kind, you bloody perverts. Apparently some British scientists on the UK advisory board are rather upset that their Chief Advisor, Professor David Nutt, was fired for criticizing his country's move to toughen penalties for marijuana, which Nutt argues is much less harmful than alcohol and tobacco. See what happens when reason and science collide, mannnn....
h/t Davin
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Headline of the day
Engineered Rabbit Penises Raise Human Hopes
And why wouldn't rabbit penises raise our hopes in these troubled times, am I right?
And why wouldn't rabbit penises raise our hopes in these troubled times, am I right?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Headline of the day
Police: Man Says Jesus Set Him Up For Drug Arrest
That excuse has never worked for Sean, but he's supportive of any attempt to make people aware of the kind of things their Lord does in secret.
Still, if drugs are around, I'm betting a guy with a beard and sandals is too, so I can see how this fine, upstanding citizen could have made a mistake.
That excuse has never worked for Sean, but he's supportive of any attempt to make people aware of the kind of things their Lord does in secret.
Still, if drugs are around, I'm betting a guy with a beard and sandals is too, so I can see how this fine, upstanding citizen could have made a mistake.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Headline of the day
Conservatives on NY-23: We didn't lose
The last time there was a Democrat in that seat, white people could still own black people.
You lost.
The last time there was a Democrat in that seat, white people could still own black people.
You lost.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Headline of the day
American Wins New York Marathon
For the first time since 1982, an American has won the New York City Marathon. By which I mean an Eritrean immigrant who became an American citizen has won the New York Marathon. Good work Mr. Keflezighi, the US does not regret expediting your citizenship for the purpose of Kenyan shaming. In fact, if you know of any fast guys who can help us shame electric named Jamaicans, send 'em over.
This is America, we buy our champions. [insert Yankees joke here]
What's that, Africa? Yeah, it's the return of "We got yo runners!"
For the first time since 1982, an American has won the New York City Marathon. By which I mean an Eritrean immigrant who became an American citizen has won the New York Marathon. Good work Mr. Keflezighi, the US does not regret expediting your citizenship for the purpose of Kenyan shaming. In fact, if you know of any fast guys who can help us shame electric named Jamaicans, send 'em over.
This is America, we buy our champions. [insert Yankees joke here]
What's that, Africa? Yeah, it's the return of "We got yo runners!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
