Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.30

How a Loophole Benefits GE in Bank Rescue
Want to know how GE is able to garner billions in business loans from the TARP program despite not being a bank? So would the government. Thanks to loopholes, namely that GE literally owns two banks in Utah, they get to borrow money at a low interest rate to fund the rest of their bullshit. And you were worried that our elected betters were going to write, enact, and oversee these programs in a shoddy manner.

Ahmadinejad Calls for Investigation Into 'Suspicious' Death of Neda Soltan
What are the odds that she was covertly murdered by either American or British forces seeking to destabilize the legitimately elected government of Iran? It's a shame OJ got framed or else he'd be able to help hunt for the real killers with Mahmoud on some Iranian golf course.

Cheney Worried That Iraq Withdrawal Will ‘Waste’ The Sacrifice By U.S. Troops
The Dick seems to think that anything less than staying in Iraq for eternity will mean that American soldiers lives were wasted or something. You know what I think might have helped contribute to the "wasting" of US soldier's "sacrifice"? All those years the Bush administration spent wasting US soldier's sacrifices. But then again, maybe someone will finally uncover those weapons of mass destruction and ties to al-Qaeda in a way that completely validates Cheney and Rumsfeld's strategies for the first couple of years of this war.

Romney: Republicans ‘Believe In Allowing People To Have Choice In Their Health Care’ — Except A Public Option
Mitt Romney came out and outlined what the GOP wants the American citizen to get in any proposed health care program that none of them will ever vote for. They definitely want you to have choice and they definitely want things to be cheaper, they just don't see the need to do that in anyway that means you actually get a choice or cheaper health care. Glad that's all cleared up.

"The Commission Has Been Road-Blocked": Republicans' War On The FEC
Did you know that the FEC is a fucked over pile of burning shit that refuses to prosecute election violations because Bush packed it with people who are ideologically opposed to the existence of the FEC? Now you do. Give it a read, it involves criminal actions to suppress and intimidate voters and donations going unpunished and a comical appearance by a person described as "Tom Delay's ethics lawyer."

Michael Jackson's Last Video: One Of The Sets Was A Cemetery
Are you ready for the hundreds of pieces where news organizations take one small thing about Michael Jackson's work and then blow it up to intimate that he was presaging his own demise? Here's one of the first. Christ, I hope no one shows them the Thriller video.

Iran's Post-Election Uprising: Hopes & Fears Revealed
A little tale on Iranian voting, the coup, and the crackdowns all done in the style of Persepolis, of which you should read or watch.

MGM Digital Media
Want the ability to watch several of MGM's most terrible and cheaply made movies on YouTube? Great news then, you can either watch an Inspector Clouseau movie that has Alan Arkin in it instead of Peter Sellers, an Amityville sequel, the Casino Royale that doesn't have Daniel Craig in it, or one of Robert Townsend's lesser works. I don't know what we would have done if you didn't put these up MGM.

These Bastards guide to HurriMcCain 08: Finale

She did it folks! Sarah Palin came out to give a speech and neither fell off the stage, cursed a blue streak, or spontaneously combusted. That means the speech was a rousing success! Then there was the sideshow in the stands. The Palin family decided to play a game of pass the baby, handing the kid off to another person in between every shot. Support the neck! Also there were all those great awkward shots of the kid that knocked up their daughter and the awkward interactions he had with the family and the McCains. They seemed so glad his penis shenanigans put him in a position to be there. Happyfamilyhappyfamilyhappyfamily. I hope the kid made sure the check cleared first before he flew down.

Then there was Rudy Giuliani, who strode to the stage and set the Reichstag house on fire. Josh Marshall, quoting Molly Ivins, said he preferred this speech in the original German. I'm not sure I'd even give it the credit of being translated. I'm sure I heard a Dussledorf, hinterland, putsch, and gespuckt in there. Also, Rudy hates the fuck out of community organizers. So do the delegates and Palin. Fuck you Obama and all community organizers, how dare that be the only thing you've ever done!

Mittens gave a bizarre speech labeled by David Brooks on PBS as "borderline insane" about Adam Smith, why the word liberal was a synonym of bad, and seemed to think torture, warrantless arrests, secret trials, and habeas corpus suspension were the ideals this country was founded on. Someone get him a history book. Also Mike Huckabee told a story about veterans who stole desks from children.

The thing that stuck out to me is that they are giving almost zero airtime to any of the alleged policy or plans McCain will theoretically enact if he's elected. The closest they get is saying McCain wants to do something about something. It's all McCain biography and attacks. Want a solution to economic problems? Good luck finding a reference to it, but then again, McCain was a POW and Obama is a liberal. Want a plan to create more jobs? McCain can't raise his arms and Obama wants to tax your air breathing. Want some form of health care coverage? Obama was a fucking community organizer! If you tuned into this wondering what the Republicans want to do the next four years if elected, well they'll get to governing later, they have to talk about McCain and evil liberals first. All you have to do is change out the name Obama and the war and any of these speeches could have been given at any Republican convention since the fifties. There is nothing to distinguish that this party even knows what the major problems facing America in 2008. This is a convention pitched entirely to the base, the 20% of people who still believe in Bush and think the country is on the right track. Good luck on that election strategy.

And for the party that wants to demonize the other as suffering some form of deranged celebrity worship of its candidate, they sure are throwing stones in glass houses. Every speech is taken up by about 80% hero worship of John McCain and exultations of him as the ultimate American, nay God. Over and over and over we are told that we aren't good enough to deserve the honor of his mere presence and that the Presidency should be awarded to McCain as a prize for his meritorious service. They certainly aren't suggesting we should hand the Presidency over to him based on his policies. I'm not sure anyone knows what they are.

Tonight, the finale. John McCain hits the stage. The theme is "Barack Obama was a community organizer!" said in an exasperated and disgusted manner.

Speaker
Tim Pawlenty, Governor and Bridge Destroyer
Ahh, the coveted "I'm the governor of this state, you'll sit there and like what I have to say!" spot. I think his slogan for reelection was "A different kind of embarrassing than Jesse Ventura". No, RNC crowd, this man isn't up there to test the mics, he's giving a speech. At this point I don't think there's any new parts of McCain's biography to read from, so just expect a repeat of the greatest hits. If you see him squinting up there its just that he's trying to convince himself that the McCain/Palin signs say McCain/Pawlenty. No Tim, you're still the governor of Minnesota, deal with it.

Speaker
Senator Sam Brownback
Good thing they got all the crazies out of the way before the final ni.....oh shit Sam Brownback. If you want to see a tense standoff over immigration policy wait till Brownback and Tancredo hit the pre-speech buffet. Rolling Stone once said that this is the man Jesus would vote for and was God's Senator. Apparently Jesus only represents about 3% of the vote in Iowa and doesn't live in any other states. I guess they had to let him speak, lest his God be angered. But really, the last night? I guess too many people pulled out, pretended they were sick, or were indicted.

Nominee for President
Senator John McCain
If this is like any other McCain prepared speech it's going to be horrible. A colossally awful mishmash of obvious reading off a teleprompter, bizarre tonal notes, insincere inflection, weird grins, creepy laughing and creepier smiling, delivered in a voice that would make Joe Lieberman wonder where the energy is. Maybe here is where John will finally lay out some idea of what he actually wants to do with the Presidency. Or he'll just mention that he was a POW and that he's not actually questioning Barack Obama's patriotism when he insinuates he's a traitor. Early ratings estimates show that the first three nights weren't nearly as highly watched as the first three nights of the DNC, so I'm not holding out hopes that nearly 40 million people are going to see John-boy speechify. Maybe that's good. I'm hoping for the sort of uncomfortable comedy that shows up in Ricky Gervais' work. But maybe the kid has a good speech in him. We'll see. God help him if he gets 40 million and bombs.

Bonus drinking game: POW! or whining about the media analysis of the horrible VP pick. You are going to leave a whiskey soaked corpse.

Picture of the day - 9.2.08

Brendan Smialowski, The New York Times

Up there, sir. That's where you sit. See that fenced off area between the Wyoming delegates and the freight elevator? Yeah, you're behind that. Just head up there, take a left, then a right, then another right, then left, left, right, left, right, down the hall, under the crossbeam, through the walk-in hot dog freezer, around the flammable crosses, just past the goat entrails (mind Mr. Cheney, please), then another right, a left, and two more rights. Now, once you get there...

McCain throws his hail mary: VP Palin

Well it seems official enough: John McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential nominee. A moment of silence for Mitt Romney and all the easy jokes he would have provided.

For someone who repeatedly joked about the anonymity of earlier VP frontrunner Tim Pawlenty (the supposed choice last night), this one is an even bigger "Who?" pick. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (herself rumored for the McCain VP slot) was just on TV and didn't know a single thing about her....and tried to spin that as a positive. Other conservative pundits seemed equally perplexed with Pat Buchanan calling it the "Biggest political gamble I believe just about in American political history...that is not hyperbole. I can think of no choice of VP that approaches this."

She's a first term governor of Alaska not even two years into that term, previously she was a council member and part-time mayor of the town of Wasilla, population of 5,500. So after months of charging that Barack Obama is inexperienced and has no record, they choose someone even less experienced to back up a 72 year old man with a history of cancer. I guess they're ceding that argument. She's also an anti-abortion creationist.

She was chairman of the Oil and Gas Conservation Commission in Alaska, tirelessly pushes for offshore and ANWAR drilling, and her husband works for an oil company. Yeah...that'll blunt charges that Republicans are shills for oil. Oh, did I mention that she's a Republican from Alaska? I did? Did I mention that the Alaska Republican party is one of the most corrupt in the US? That half of it's members seem to be under investigation, indictment, or just in prison (most recently Ted "Hulk" Stevens)? Boy it won't be hard to tie her to all that, especially since she's gone ahead and done everyone the favor of being under ethics investigations for firing the Alaskan public safety commissioner because he wouldn't fire Palin's brother-in-law because he was divorcing Palin's sister.

Let's just say what it is: a desperate attempt to try and get the dozen remaining Hillary voters who haven't gotten on board the Obama train and other women to cross over based on the fact that Palin is a woman. It's a desperation move and a massive gamble, considering that no one knows who she is and she basically stands for all the same policies as John McCain, including all the ones that make him so unattractive to female voters. Though with his voting against the equal pay for women bill, John has already pledged to save thousands in government spending by only paying Palin 80% of the VP salary a man would get. Fiscal conservatism is back! I guess he doesn't want the experience argument and figures he's going to lose it badly, so he's seemingly trying to glom onto the change mantle and hope that Hillary voters squint so hard at Palin that they see Hillary. It'll be interesting to see her debate someone like Joe Biden in any event. Obama/Biden v. McCain/Palin. Have at it.

McCain knows who his VP is

McCain selects his VP

John McCain has chosen his running mate and the person will be notified on Thursday, a senior campaign official said.

A friend said McCain had pretty much settled on his selection early this week, and it crystallized in the past few days. Campaign manager Rick Davis flew to McCain's cabin in Sedona, Ariz., a few days ago to confer, and another meeting about the choice was held with top aides Wednesday.
...
McCain's selection process has been conducted mostly in secret, but officials said he was considering one or more candidates who support abortion rights. The disclosure set off a fracas on the right wing, with talk-show host Rush Limbaugh saying such a selection would destroy the party.

Oh happy day. The moment where Big John unleashes Mittens, Joe Lieberman, or Tim Pawlenty on an unsuspecting nation is nigh.

Mitt "Mittens" Romney will bring in the critical 'lacquered hair shell' vote, adds tons more houses to the campaign tally, still says bling bling, is insanely rich, and likes throwing good money after bad. That ought to really help McCain not look like an elitist. The 'Mormon explaining' to the evangelical base will be amusing and will involve several forms of groveling. Plus anytime you can add someone who actually shipped jobs overseas and layed off workers in a swing state, you really need to add that person. Also: big fat phoney.

Joe Lieberman. Oh God I hope this happens. Dems didn't like him when he was Al Gore's VP, now he isn't even recognizable as a Democrat anymore. He supports Bush harder than McCain does. But hey, add him, he's a total drag on the ticket, just ask Al Gore. Karl Rove is personally trying to fight the choice, which is amusing and Limbaugh is presaging the destruction of the Republican party if they pick a pro-choicer like Liebs. This needs to happen.

Tim Pawlenty. Who? This guy is so anonymous he would get stopped by security and not allowed to enter his own VP acceptance speech unless they put his picture on the McCain/Pawlenty signs. His weird attacks on Obama (Petraeus as VP?) would be a boon to comedy. I just can't see McCain picking a guy he couldn't differentiate from a collected group of his staffers.

Maybe John will go off the reservation. Pick Charles Barkley or Big Bird or something crazy and maverick like. A festive hand puppet or a chicken who makes football picks for the local drive time radio sports show. Who knows? It's coming people. Are you ready?

'Tis Biden

Bow down to a true pimp, bitch

Biden Is Obama's Pick for VP

So in case you weren't cool enough to get the text, Biden is Obama's pick for the veep slot. The text said "Barack has chosen Senator Joe Biden to be our VP nominee. Watch the first Obama-Biden rally live at 3pm ET on www.BarackObama.com. Spread the word!" I got one that said "U R A QT. LOLZ. IDK MY BFF JILL." Was that from Obama too?

Sources close to These Bastards say that the VP announcement took so long because of the difficulty of finding human sized muzzles. In the end they went with a company out of Indiana, Woof Shush, who had the device fitted to Biden in the early morning. Sources close to Biden say he wrote up a volume of zesty McCain zingers which was turned over to Obama campaign for future use. Obama Scienticians are already on the quip testing range firing off a McCain centric version of the Giuliani nipple roaster "Noun, Verb, 9/11". The choices are "Noun, Verb, POW", "Noun, Verb, Can't Remember Houses", and "Noun, Verb, McCain's a rotten old bastard."

Biden is already practicing indignant looks of disbelief towards Republican ideas, has already received both the change-ectomy and the hope-transplant, and has already torn to shreds and defecated on a Mitt Romney doll. They plan to give a speech later today in Springfield, then stalk the town in the dead of night rolling any 73 year olds they find. The campaign slogan has been changed from "Change you can believe in" to ""What the fuck are you looking at old man? Get him!" Insiders say that both are excited, fired up, and ready to go.

God speed, gentlemen, God speed.

VP Mittens

So according to TIME's Mark Halperin, John McCain surveyed the Republican VP field and settled on Mitt Romney. Allegedly.

2 Republican sources say McCain has apparently settled on Romney as his pick, but no offer has been made.

That noise you heard was the sound of a million silent, exuberant, Democratic fist pumps and hushed whispers of "Yes!". A man who flushed tens of millions of dollars of his own money to finish second and third a bunch of times, got ganked by a couple severely dirty McCain tricks, and someone who polling finds decreases support for Republicans is the pick. Furthermore he's another rich, white Republican, he's possibly the most phony politician in America, and the evangelical base of the Republican party hates him because he's a Mormon. Oh and he went on a campaign stop to a black neighborhood and acted like everyone's awkward dad, even busting out the phrase 'bling bling'. Hard to see why McCain would pass up on all of that.

This bon mot was also dropped in the article: “People close to the campaign also floated a wild-card choice, Gen. David H. Petraeus, the top American commander in Iraq.” Yeah, it's every republicans wet dream. But what's he going to do, just drop his clipboard, yell "Fuck it, I'm out" and then get discharged out of the military and Iraq command to come run for VP? That ought to go well with McCain's message: "Iraq isn't going well enough for us to ever leave, but it is going well enough that the guy who runs things can quit and come be by VP candidate." Furthermore that ought to come off real well with the sense that many top Pentagon and military brass have become defacto political actors for the Republican party. But wet dreams are wet dreams.

Mittens is allegedly in. Now I just have to use all my mental powers to deflect any Evan Bayh choice on Obama's part. ~feingoldfeingoldfeingoldfeingold~ ~nobayhnobayhnobayhnobayh~