Let's get crazy

Ahh, it's good to have the old North Korea back. We missed them. We've spent too long dealing with terrorists, mullahs, and sheiks that we forgot what facing a truly crazy Bond villain was like. Classic Jong-Il, it's like a fine wine. Not only is he testing underground nukes and launching missiles into the sea, now he's kidnapping journalists and holing up in a shack, daring lawmakers to come and get him. Now they're threatening to launch those nukes if we damage their fragile emotional state.

Pyongyang raised tensions a notch by reviving its rhetoric in a commentary in the state-run Minju Joson newspaper Tuesday.

"Our nuclear deterrent will be a strong defensive means ... as well as a merciless offensive means to deal a just retaliatory strike to those who touch the country's dignity and sovereignty even a bit," said the commentary, carried by the official Korean Central News Agency.

It appeared to be the first time that North Korea referred to its nuclear arsenal as "offensive" in nature. Pyongyang has long claimed that its nuclear weapons program is a deterrent and only for self-defense against what it calls U.S. attempts to invade it.

The tough talk came as South Korea and the U.S. lead an effort at the U.N. Security Council to have the North punished for its nuclear test with tough sanctions.

OK, I understand the sovereignty bit, but dignity? You'll launch the surface to air nukes that you almost certainly don't have if we threaten your dignity? Good luck to Secretary Clinton. Never have I heard of a harder task than that of judging the dignity level of a failed state that barely has electricity, is starving its own people, is run by an insane midget on stilts, and has been reduced to kidnapping journalists and nuking the Pyongyang Field Gopher into non-existence.

How can a man with a personal waterslide, his own private choo choo train, and an ostrich farm be so tense? Take a train ride, ride an ostrich down the speed slide, and take a walk on your estate near the only existence of green grass in the country. Just hand over the journalists, stop nuking mineshafts, and we'll negotiate with you. What do you want anyway? A log flume ride? Designer ostrich saddles? They're yours. Just add in some sort of method to the madness, that's all we're asking.