DETROIT—Today the National Hockey League and UNICEF announced that instead of donating irrelevant "Detroit Red Wings 2009 Stanley Cup Champions" apparel to the impoverished Third World nations of Africa, the items will instead be sent to the impoverished third-world city of Detroit.
“After much deliberation, we have decided to send these shirts and caps to where they are most needed,” announced NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, during a morning press conference. “We believe that the basic shelter from the sun that these garments will provide, not to mention the psychological boost Detroit's citizens will receive by thinking something positive happened to their city this year, far outweighs the good they would have done in Africa."
Continued Bettman, "The NHL and UNICEF are proud to do whatever we can to mitigate the misery felt by the beleaguered citizens of that destitute Third World hell hole. Plus, we'll save a bundle on shipping.”
Whereas the shirts and caps would normally be put on a cargo vessel bound for the west coast of Africa, aid officials speculate they can cut fuel costs by over 90% by simply dropping boxfuls at Detroit's high-traffic public areas: soup kitchens, homeless shelters and freeway underpasses. Added UNICEF spokesperson Kyle Madigan, "I think the people, and I use that term loosely, of Detroit know better than most how important it is to conserve fossil fuels."
Reaction from the Third World was largely positive. “I think these people just need these garments more than we do,” said Thabo M’Leza, a subsistence farmer from the Mbemba tribe of Nambia, while wearing a 'New England Patriots: 19-0' t-shirt. “We have heard of these hardships faced by the Detroit people and, frankly, we are in awe of their suffering. Let them have the shirts and some manner of dignity; we’ll get by without the free hats. We wouldn’t wish their troubles on our worst enemy.”
Nike and the NBA have already agreed to join the NHL in bringing some measure of humanity to a city that has quickly become everything foretold by the Robocop films. NBA Commissioner David Stern has offered to send unused Orlando Magic championship caps, as well as shirts bearing the “Kobe vs. LeBron: The Finals matchup everyone’s been waiting for” slogan.
Said a clearly emotional Stern, "No American should ever be looked down upon in pity by Windsor, Ontario."
Representatives from the City of Detroit were unavailable for comment, however sources close to whichever oft-indicted criminal is sitting behind the mayor's desk this week say that they are looking forward to a time when the rest of the nation grows tired of kicking the Motor City as it lies fat, irrelevant and helpless on the oily ground.
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