SILVER CITY, HEAVEN
After many months of rumor and speculation, the Vatican revealed today that both the Father and the Son have taken formal steps to dismiss the Holy Ghost from the Trinity.
Though the history of enmity and tribalism inside the Trinity has been well documented, conventional wisdom held that the infighting had subsisted and that co-operation between the Three had returned to normal.
Tensions have always been high since the power sharing arrangement was agreed upon at the First Council of Nicaea in 325, but the three had seemingly created a pleasant, even friendly, working environment over the past millennium.
Nevertheless, rumors of a split started to gain steam during the now infamous 1990 Kansas City press conference where Jesus, fresh off a two-week stint in an oil slick just outside of Plano, TX, verbally bashed the Holy Spirit with great zeal.
Said the Son, "The old man, he creates all of this, y'know. Everything. I go out, form the foundation of a major world religion and get my sweet ass nailed to a cross to die for all the sins of mankind. It hurt like hell, but I did it. The Ghost, meanwhile, finds a bunch of my drinking buddies, gives them an entry level language course, and suddenly he's walking around claiming he's the Quarterback. No fuckin’ way." The Son then mumbled,“Fuck that sumbitch."
The Ghost, while publicly laughing off Junior’s outburst, privately started to voice concerns about his perceived lack of respect within the Trinity. These feelings grew when, earlier last year, both Jesus and God pulled out of a planned reality show where the three would travel around the United States in a bus organizing church bake sales. Desperate to up his profile, the Ghost then partook in the ill-fated Religious Icon Celebrity Rodeo, where he placed third behind St Francis of Assisi and L. Ron Hubbard.
With insider squabbling threatening to torpedo Eternity, Seraphim were dispatched to Heaven in December to serve as mediators. The Son and the Holy Ghost each issued statements through their representatives indicating that public hostilities had ceased, the latter also declaring that his ill-met search for notoriety via VH1 had drawn to a close. Thus, the scandal appeared at an end, considering that for all of the embarrassing attempts at fame and the drunken outbursts of an inebriated Savior, the one thing any attempt to break up the Trinity never had was the support of the Big Dog.
This is why literal shockwaves were felt when it became apparent that Jesus now has the support of the Almighty and is consolidating power in an attempt to make a move on the Holy Ghost.
The breaking point for Jah was ostensibly reached recently when the Ghost leaked to several religious leaders on Earth that the recent spate of hurricanes, tsunamis and other powerful natural disasters were God's punishment for homosexuality, voting for non-whites, and the Harry Potter books.
"That's just some low down, sandbagging, cowardly stuff," said a highly placed angelic source. "That was just some random weather that the little freak is trying to use to move up in the Trinity. Yahweh is a very progressive man. He invented gays, along with, well... everything else in existence. Who needs the Trinity anyway? It's not even in the Bible."
Attention now turns to the Holy Ghost's potential replacement. Elysian insiders point to rising star and theater enthusiast Abraham Lincoln. While sources would neither confirm nor deny that inserting a gay man into the Trinity was an attempt to placate those offended by the Holy Spirit's outburst, one ethereal pundit explained, "He appeals to Americans, which is a key Christian demo going forward. In recent years he's also made appearances on Cheetos, French fries, and even a grilled cheese sandwich. No one had ever thought of that before, now even Mary is doing it. Plus beard symmetry within the Trinity is key. Focus groups indicate that a spirit as a Trinity member comes off as a little too Poltergeisty, if you get my meaning. Frankly, the Holy Ghost tests the weakest of the three and it would do wonders for branding if we could bring a vibrant new star into the fold."
Brand analysis has recently become a much larger issue within the church, with nearly one in three Americans raised Catholic no longer identifying themselves as such. Adding a prominent American President to the Trinity could revitalize the flagging Catholic brand. It would also add the heft of a provable historic and factual figure to the fold, bringing a sense of realism to a faith which has been attacked by some critics as "Some stupid fantasy shit that mud-bricking peasants believed two thousand years ago and is completely irrelevant to the modern world."
While the Holy Ghost could not be reached for comment, friends say that he is seemingly resigned to his fate. A vote on the matter is expected in the coming months as a new Nicene Council is convened.
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