Hyperbole

Beware Republican Senators and Governors who have only a half-remembered sense of history and high school sophomore English. With the passage of health care upon us -- totally, for real this time, no take backs -- GOP opposition has moved from huddling for warmth with tea partiers to making bad historical and literary analogies about the oncoming flood of marginally better health coverage that we're all going to receive.

Up first is Lindsay Graham, off fresh from Sunday talk show hysterics complaining that two similar things aren't similar, who looks at the push to pass health care and sees in the eyes of Nancy Pelosi... the Yellow Peril!

"Nancy Pelosi, I think, has got them all liquored up on sake and you know, they're making a suicide run here," Graham said Monday during a call to the Keven Cohen Show on WVOC radio in Columbia, S.C.

Yes, because when the Japanese were ramming zeroes into aircraft carriers, it typically resulted in the betterment of health care conditions in the immediate area for all sailors. Truthfully, if anything is going to sink this country it's a reform plan that expands access, cuts costs, and cuts the deficit. It's just a shame the Speaker had to get Barney Frank drunk, tie one of those rising sun bandannas to his head, and yell "banzai" as he careened into the House floor to ram his body into the voting area, causing it to burst into flames. Surely there was a better way.

On the other hand, a jobless ex-Senator and an Argentinian hiking enthusiast who is inexplicably still with a job decided that they were going to brush off some Shakespeare studies they kind of remembered to make reference to a date they realized just happened.

Sanford released a statement earlier saying that today -- March 15 -- is the day Julius Caesar was murdered, sometimes known as the Ides of March. The day is usually associated with a sense of foreboding, and Sanford warned the public to be wary of health care reform.

Trent Lott agreed today on Fox News: "Shakespeare warned us to beware the Ides of March. That's today, and I have a very ominous feeling about what's fixing to happen on health care votes."

So you're worried that a bunch of crooked Senators are going to murder the leader of this country with knives on the Senate floor in an attempt to overthrow the government? Because that's what happened of the Ides of March. The day isn't associated with a sense of foreboding, Mark; it's associated with the murder of Julius Caesar. But if this isn't just a bad metaphor and you know something more specific about that crazy look in John McCain's eye, you should speak up. Just a warning though, this is going to end with Sasha Obama as President, tasked with hunting down the conspirators with Joe Biden in Macedonia, right? Just so we're clear.

So be forewarned, this health care battle is not only like a suicide attack, but it's also going to result in a child President ganking a Republican senator in Phillipi after a coup. It's going to be a hectic next few days, I only hope this country can survive a moderate ascension on the WHO health rankings.

Love is in the air

With Valentine's day fast approaching and the fact that These Bastards is the #6 site on the web for dating, marriage, and general romance advice (as voted in a 1996 poll by the citizens of Bolivia), it's time that we handed out some tips to prospective brides out there.

We know the lure to wed a state politician is high, what with the intoxicating thrill of state governance and the lure that someday you could be married to a state comptroller. But sometimes those starry dreams of state level political fame are tarnished by bizarre episodes involving Argentina and the Appalachian Trail, so it's best you might want to heed TB Romance Tip For Lovers #2 (#1: be wary of a man with a trunk full of Quicklime and shovels). Be aware of small signs on your wedding day that might presage future problems.

South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford recalls how she made the "leap of faith" to marry husband Gov. Mark Sanford even though the groom refused to promise to be faithful, insisting that the clause be removed from their wedding vows.

"It bothered me to some extent, but ... we were very young, we were in love," she said in an exclusive interview with Barbara Walters to air on "20/20" Friday. "I questioned it, but I got past it ... along with other doubts that I had."

Well, at least he was being honest and didn't want to violate any oaths he took. You can say many things about the man, but you can't say he didn't have foresight and a vision for the future.

Another tip for all you lovers out there: be wary of someone who seems to be trying to set a sort of cheapness world record. Not only isn't it a Guinness recognized world record, any organization that recognizes that achievement is going to be too cheap to spring for a plaque memorializing it.

"He drew me a picture of a half a bike, and then for the next birthday or Christmas I got the picture of the other half a bike, and then he delivered the $25 used bike," she recalled.

For another birthday, Mark Sanford gave her a diamond necklace, which she adored, but then he took it back.

A long term planner, doesn't make vows he doesn't plan to honor, handy with a visual aide, fiscally responsible, hiking enthusiast, and travels abroad; it's easy to see why the voters of South Carolina responded to Mark Sanford so well.

S0 ladies, if you follow our three tips (especially the one about avoiding being murdered with a shovel and buried in the woods), you'll be well on your way to finding that perfect man.

Southern justice

South Carolina Panel Rejects Impeachment of Governor

A South Carolina legislative subcommittee decided Wednesday not to recommend the impeachment of Gov. Mark Sanford, saying that his secret trip to Argentina and extramarital affair did not meet the state constitutional standard of “serious crimes or serious misconduct.” The panel instead opted to recommend a formal reprimand of Mr. Sanford.

The matter now goes to the full House Judiciary Committee, which is to meet next Wednesday and could still vote to send an impeachment resolution to the House floor. But the subcommittee’s 6-to-1 decision seemed to make such a development unlikely.

Some of you might be confused as to how a man can do what he did and stave off anything but a verbal reprimand from the authorities. See, that's because you're applying logic to this situation. You thought this was a legal process when it was actually it's a giant experiment in the process of elimination. A comprehensive study to see just how much can one get away with and retain the governorship of his state. Apparently philandering, embezzlement of state funds and dereliction of duty just doesn't cut it. But, with a hefty grant from the Chubb Group and further scientific study, God willing we'll soon we'll have a handle on just what you have to do to get kicked out of office in the South.

As for Sanford, he'd have commented on his political salvation but he was too busy celebrating on the Appalachian Trail. For real this time.

Stay classy, South Carolina

Listen South Carolina, I know it hasn't been a good year for you. You governor went patrolling for Argentine trim on the "Appalachian Trail", you had that congressman yell out "you lie" during the President's health care speech, you had one of your county GOP chairs make a gorilla/Michelle Obama racist crack, and you have the House Majority Whip saying that the First Lady can't visit the state because of Secret Service/White House concerns over her safety. With all that and your....we'll say "checkered" racial history, why would any politician from your state think it was a good idea to interject Jewish stereotypes into a purported defense of Senator Jim "Make health care Obama's Waterloo" DeMint.

There is a saying that the Jews who are wealthy got that way not by watching dollars, but instead by taking care of the pennies and the dollars taking care of themselves. By not using earmarks to fund projects for South Carolina and instead using actual bills, DeMint is watching our nation’s pennies and trying to preserve our country’s wealth and our economy’s viability to give all an opportunity to succeed.

Oof. Ronan Tynan feels your pain. I'm just glad no one from your state GOP remembered any Jewish banking conspiracy theories during the whole bailout period. I guess you were all still worked up over the black President thing and prepping your really good Obama/gorilla material and aspirin related racist jokes. Just a suggestion: if the next time you or any politician in the state wants to make a joke, comparison, defense, or attack on something and the first thing that pops into your head is a racist stereotype, pause and try to think of something else. If you can't think of anything other than racist stereotypes then that's God telling you that you shouldn't talk in public ever.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.21

Celebrating Cronkite while ignoring what he did
Glenn Greenwald on how Walter Cronkite can't even be buried yet because his body is spinning so furiously they can't get it into a casket. Why? Due to all the journalists who seem to praise Cronkite but don't seem to have the slightest recognition of how far their profession has fallen and how little of what they do resembles the kind of work he and men like him did.

Cocksure
Malcolm Gladwell on the banking and financial crisis and how it relates to the psychology of overconfidence, notably how we tend to overrate our accuracy and intelligence as we get older. I know what you're saying "I can't believe the financial industry is rife with self-important, over confident, self absorbed assholes!" Believe it. Read all the way through to the story of the guy who wrecked Bear Stearns getting standing ovations from various parts of the company as he left.

Teen pregnancy and disease rates rose sharply during Bush years, agency finds
What's that you say? The marked increase in abstinence only education during the Bush years led to sharp increases in teen pregnancy and STD's over that period? My God, who could have foreseen that shunning knowledge for religious moralizing and mythmaking would have disastrous consequences? Other than all those previous studies and medical analysis that said so. Next you're going to tell me that the areas that saw the biggest increases were in the south where there was the greatest emphasis on abstinence and the STD eradicating powers of Jesus. Inconceivable.

Eliot Spitzer not my only governor - hooker who worked for Kristin Davis
Just what everyone loves: needlessly cryptic hookers. In between talking about how weird Eliot Spitzer was and how cheap Bernie Madoff was, comes a tale of yet another governor who decided that he'd like to resign in disgrace. But alas, she deigns to name names. Lord Baby Jesus, I don't ask for much, I'm just asking that it be Mark Sanford.

San Diego menaced by jumbo squid
In a stunning gambit to claim the seas before the robots get any ideas, giant fucking squid have been attacking swimmers and getting ink all over San Diego. Did I mention they're giant? Yeah, I did. Did I mention they fly, have fucking parrot beaks, eat meat, and have been attacking swimmers? Shit yourself yet? Don't worry, when their icy tentacles grab you and they sink their beak into you, possibly while you're swimming in the pool or on the toilet, then you'll know who rules the seas.

Broken In Brief: Mark Sanford announces 6 months of silence in honor of dead celebrities

CHARLESTON—Today Mark Sanford announced that due to the multiple tragedies befalling “the leading lights” of the entertainment industry, he was preparing to undertake a symbolic, meditative, vow of silence to honor their memories and accomplishments.

“I was just going to go with a month for Michael Jackson but so many others died that I had to take them into consideration, so as not to appear to be playing favorites,” said the disgraced Governor while making his final public appearance and vocal utterances for the next half a year. “Jackson, Billy Mays, Steve McNair, Farrah Fawcett, Ed McMahon, David Carradine… the death toll is truly catastrophic. I think it best if someone decided to honor their legacies instead of shamelessly exploiting them for ratings or personal gain.”

“Oh God, Karl Malden, too! I forgot Karl Malden,” the Governor shrieked before walking away from the podium, weeping.

Friends close to the Governor hope that his selfless act, combined with this rash of celebrity death, the recession, summer blockbusters, Iran, America’s decided dearth of Argentine-based sex jokes, and his own party’s penchant for harboring other self-deluded narcissists with massively destructive personal secrets that have yet to be revealed, will give Mr. Sanford enough cover to appear in public without so many people laughing and snickering at him.

No one knows quite where the Governor will undertake this silent meditation. However, insiders seem sure that when the Governor chooses a place, it will sound completely plausible and cause no one in the media, his staff, his family, or state government to think anything is amiss.

Broken News: Sanford immune to impeachment under arcane SC statutes

COLUMBIA, SC--With the media's attention firmly fixated on revelations that Gov. Mark Sanford's clandestine trip to Argentina was made to visit his mistress, thereby dishonoring himself and his party, few are examining the potential legal repercussions of his actions.

One of those few is Dr. Darlene Williams, a scholar of South Carolina's constitution and author of Yes, We Can Read: A Brief Introduction to South Carolinian Governance.

More surprising than the fact that someone can actually earn a PhD through such research is Dr. Williams' claim that by virtue of his extramarital offenses alone, Gov. Stanford cannot be forced from office by the state legislature.

"There is literally a codicil in the state constitution that specifically prohibits impeachment of a governor who was found to have traveled to Argentina for any purpose, including and especially fornication," said Williams. "You can look it up."

Indeed, upon further investigation, this organization uncovered a section of the South Carolina constitution that does precisely that. After defining the title itself, as well as the qualifications and responsibilities the office of Governor entails, the constitution goes on to state the following:

SECTION 19. Subclause 11.: Any Governor absconding unannounced to South American locales for activities pertaining to the ribald wetting of ones genitals and wanton acts of fuckery shall be immune to punitive action on the part of the state legislature or the populace.

SECTION 19. Subclause 12: The rights specified in SECTION 19. Subclause 11. shall exclude the country of Suriname and Guyana until such a time as the legislature decides their countries are no longer comprised of assholes.

According to Williams, this language was quietly inserted by the legislature at a midnight session not long after the conclusion of World War II.

"As we all know, South America was a popular refuge for Nazi war criminals in the years following the Allied victory. While South Carolinians fought bravely alongside Americans from every other state, well, let's just say that they didn't necessarily object to all of Hitler's, um, 'solutions'..." Williams said, while making "quotey fingers" and winking.

Gov. Sanford was unavailable for comment at press time, although Lieutenant Governor Andre Bauer swore he had no prior knowledge of the indemnifying clause.

"Listen, I consider myself fairly well-versed in my state's constitution," said Bauer. "I know that there's a section on accepting federal aid for highways and hurricane relief while rejecting it for everything else. I know that the Three-fifths compromise can still be implemented in times of statewide emergency. I know that our leader must must not only swear an oath to a higher being but also legitimately believe in said power. And I know that when-- I mean, if, we secede again, that power over the state militia reverts to the Vice President of Philip Morris USA. But this? I had no idea."

When asked if there is language in the state constitution explicitly preventing a Governor from being removed due to dereliction of duty -- one example given was deserting a post that commands state and national guard forces -- or, in simple terms, abandonment of office, Bauer tugged at his collar and screamed "Christ on a cross, what is that!?" before running from the podium, diving into a waiting car, and heading for the "Appalachian Trail."

The other two South Carolina constitutional scholars in existence point to possible legal proceedings taking place under Section 16-15-60 of the South Carolina Code of Laws which explicitly make adultery illegal and punishable by a $500 fine and up to a year in prison. But, as to that point, Williams is unsure that South Carolina law even recognizes South Americans and those of Latin descent as legally valid human beings.

"It's really unclear, as the Constitution only ever mentions a Governor taking a white woman abroad to fornicate with," said the Dr. while poring over an original copy of the state Constitution scrawled on the back of a yellowed whiskey label. "There are a lot of references here to, "southern hemisphere mud people," as well as what constitutes fair trade for one in livestock. Also some crude plans to set South America on fire, but no mention of either Latin or South Americans possessing rights or legal recognition of any sort. I think the Governor is in the clear on this one."

Added the other scholar, "Unless he violated Section 16-15-120 in the Code of Laws pertaining to Buggery. That thing's ironclad, be it a 'mud person', 'comely goat', 'traveling gypsy minstrel', 'alluring fruit and/or vegetable', or 'regular white citizen' that gets buggered."

Until such a time as these complex legal issues are worked out, Governor Sanford is expected to be found sleeping on a couch in his office, "hiking", and pretending to be really sorry that he used South America as his personal sexual playground.

Sanford found

OK, South Carolina Governor and huge crybaby Mark Sanford is not dead....yet. It turns out he was just dejectedly walking around in the woods while Charlie Brown music played.

Out of yesterday's odds it seems that "5-3 : Has renounced society, has gone into SC mountains to build cabin and live off the land" was the closest. That is unless the excuse given was a euphemism. We all know that "hiking the Cumberland Gap" is code for "meth fueled orgy", but what does "clearing your head by walking the Appalachian Trail" mean? Is he a furry? Hiding from creditors? Trying to find Sasquatch? We need to know.

Edit: "3-2 : "Me" time with mistress" was the winner. Go collect from your bookies.

Taking bets

Mark Sanford Disappears; Even Wife Doesn't Know Where He Is

Where is South Carolina's governor?

The lieutenant governor doesn't know, and neither does a state senator who's a close confidante. Even his wife is in the dark.

Gov. Mark Sanford's unannounced absence from the state capitol perplexed some politicians Monday, and his staff wouldn't say where he was. His wife said she hadn't heard from him in several days _ including Father's Day.

Odds
2-1 : Secret gay tryst
15-1 : Arranging secret abortion for underage lover
3-1 : Weeping alone in a closet, nude
4-1 : "Carradined" himself, waiting for authorities to find body
27-1 : Actually writing something like his wife said he was
3-2 : "Me" time with mistress
1-2 : "Disappeared" by Rahm Emanuel for criticizing the stimulus
7-1 : Tap lessons with Larry Craig at Minneapolis/St. Paul airport bathroom
6-1 : At Betty Ford Center for "exhaustion"
5-3 : Has renounced society, has gone into SC mountains to build cabin and live off the land
7-2 : Hiding from his truly awful wife and children
8-1 : Secret CIA spy mission that only he can handle
9-2 : Digging extra deep hole for that whore he "accidentally" killed
4-1 : Wandering around an abandoned field in Manchester, TN stoned out of his mind

Take the money

Remember South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford? You know, the guy that wanted to grandstand for the 2012 primaries instead of helping his state. The guy who decided $700 million budgets holes for the school system were preferable to the icy grip of socialism. Remember how we all figured it would end: with his removal from office or his subsequent near death beating by White House officials armed with sacks full of stimulus money? Well, it turns out Rahm might be making a trip down to Charleston and it ain't for a low country boil. He's got a burlap sack full of nickels and bad intentions.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford requested stimulus cash for the state's schools Monday, telling the U.S. education secretary he's doing so under duress and the $700 million in bailout money will create more problems.

The request to Education Secretary Arne Duncan, sent by e-mail, caps months of Sanford's criticism of the $787 billion federal economic recovery law that raised the national political profile of the Republican Governors Association chairman and speculation of a 2012 White House bid. The state Supreme Court ordered him Thursday to follow a state budget law and request the money for the state's schools and colleges.

"First, it's important to state one last time for the record what a monumentally terrible idea I believe the entire so-called stimulus act is, and why in particular utilizing this money as our General Assembly has done is ultimately going to cause more harm than good," Sanford wrote in the letter to Duncan.

And what led to this change of heart followed by uncontrollable bitching and whining? Was it common sense? The threat of nude photo release? The desire to do what's right but still appear to dance for the base? No, the Supreme Court of South Carolina got out their legal shillelagh, rapped him across the knuckles, and ordered him to act like an adult. They issued a Writ of Mandamus, which is some sort of powerful wizard enchantment using newt eyes and dark/terrible secrets divined from the Necronomicon and latter Harry Potter books.

So that knocks Sanford out of the GOP 2012 horror show. Doing something rational and sane, even only because a court forced you to, is a GOP base no-no. It's a shame, bankrupting the state's educational system in an insane bid to do battle with the invisible hand of socialism you saw looming over SC seemed like such a rational plan. Oh well Mark, there's always 2016.

President Norris

I may run for president of Texas
by Chuck Norris

On Glenn Beck's radio show last week, I quipped in response to our wayward federal government, "I may run for president of Texas."

That need may be a reality sooner than we think. If not me, someone someday may again be running for president of the Lone Star state, if the state of the union continues to turn into the enemy of the state.

From the East Coast to the "Left Coast," America seems to be moving further and further from its founders' vision and government.

Don't let me stop you Chuck, please, do go on.

How much more will Americans take? When will enough be enough? And, when that time comes, will our leaders finally listen or will history need to record a second American Revolution?
...
"If this country starts to spiral out of control and Mexico melts down or whatever, if it really starts to spiral out of control, before America allows a country to become a totalitarian country...Americans won't stand for it. There will be parts of the country that will rise up." Then Glenn asked me and his listening audience, "And where's that going to come from?" He answered his own question, "Texas, it's going to come from Texas. Do you agree with that Chuck?" I replied, "Oh yeah!" Definitely.
...
For those losing hope, and others wanting to rekindle the patriotic fires of early America, I encourage you to join Fox News' Glenn Beck, me and millions of people across the country in the live telecast, "We Surround Them," on Friday afternoon. Thousands of cell groups will be united around the country in solidarity over the concerns for our nation.

There are times when I think that the satire pieces we run are just taking natural events within the GOP and tweaking them slightly out of proportion. Then Chuck Norris goes and declares attempts to save the economy as totalitarianism, advises secession and a possible second Civil War over the neutered measures the government is taking, and half jokingly vows to run for President of Texas.

Then SC Gov. Mark Sanford declares the US is Zimbabwe and Obama is Mugabe, right after he fucks his state's school system for $700 million, because the government passed a stimulus and he doesn't understand economics. It's about that time I realize that satirizing the GOP has essentially been reduced to just passing on what they did, while trying to comically/mentally blunt the repercussions of their actions.

President Chuck, please secede. You run Texas, I'll run the Islamic Caliphate of Mattsylvania. Start up your new awesome country based around the teachings of Glenn Beck. I promise not to miss Texas (maybe I'll miss Austin) if you promise to take Oklahoma, Kentucky, and most of the South with you. You can live in your tax cutting, Mexican skull busting, symbolic tea party paradise of New Freedonia and we don't have to let you drag us down with you. Go. Faster. Before the icy hand of health care is at your throat.

Enjoy your extended recession South Carolina

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford doesn't want your dirty stimulus money. Well actually he does want it, but only if he can spend it on things that don't actually help stimulate the economy. You see he's got 2012 ambitions and adhering to some bullshit Republican fiscal code with Bobby Jindal is a tad more important than listening to egghead economists and helping the citizens of his state. Priorities, the man's got GOP primaries to think about here.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford plans to ask President Obama for permission to use part of his state's stimulus money to pay down its debt, not on new spending, according to a letter he sent state legislators Tuesday.

A longtime opponent of the president's nearly $800 billion stimulus package, the Republican governor told his state's lawmakers that spending approximately $700 million in money coming from the federal government would only make the state's financial situation worse in the long term.

"[W]hen one is in a hole, the first order of business is to stop digging," Sanford wrote in the letter obtained by CNN Tuesday.

Yes, clearly what drove us into a hole was government spending. Government spending is clearly the problem and despite the suggestions from....every economist that only government spending on projects can make up the GDP shortfall and the sheer weight of historical evidence showing that government spending makes a difference in these situations almost directly proportional to how much is spent, Mark Sanford knows what's really the problem and whats really the solution.

John Boehner agrees, government spending is the problem. If the country was on fire, government spending would be the culprit. It's nice to know that a massive economic crisis has not deterred America's stupidest party from playing to the base and placing their perceived political future ahead of time tested solutions. The Peter Pan party never wants to grow up, never wants to be adults. I'd feel sorry for your impending extended misery SC, but you're South Carolina and you enabled this idiot. Suffer. Though, try not to spread the suffering outside your own borders. Some of us have states not run by monstrously incompetent base humpers.

Don't fuck with the boss

This running the RNC thing is going to Michael Steele's head. You see when he saw the recent spate of comments from Rush Limbaugh about hoping the economic recovery failed and attempts by some conservatives and glee filled Democrats to paint El Rushbo as the head of the Republican party, he decided that maybe it wasn't in the best interests of said Republican party, electorally, to have Rush at the forefront of the party.

He called Rush an 'entertainer' whose comments were 'incendiary' and 'ugly'. Rush didn't really like that, telling Steele that he only ran the RNC, not the Republican party, and that if Mike hadn't already gotten a shinebox, he should go order one and then kindly fuck himself with it. After careful consideration, Steele hemmed, hawed, broke out into a flop sweat and kindly announced that it was perfectly alright with fucking himself and that he hoped Rush would bathe him in the bright warm light of conservatism again, never averting his warm gaze from his humble servant.

“My intent was not to go after Rush – I have enormous respect for Rush Limbaugh,” Steele said in a telephone interview. “I was maybe a little bit inarticulate. … There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership.”

“I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren’t what I was thinking,” Steele said. “It was one of those things where I thinking I was saying one thing, and it came out differently. What I was trying to say was a lot of people … want to make Rush the scapegoat, the bogeyman, and he’s not.”

Artfully and spinelessly walked back, Mike, you'll go far. This makes him the third conservative in recent weeks, following Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) and Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-GA), who have had to walk back their temporary bursts of sanity in order to bend over and grab their ankles for Rush and beg him to go easy on them. I can't offer my hearty thanks enough Rush. I thought that there might be a moment where the Republican party might have learned something following two huge beatings. Turns out they didn't and you're stamping out any attempts people try at learning, favoring more rigid orthodoxy to whatever it is you believe in this week and going after people who think good ideas and policy is a way back to power. Nopers! Petulance and conspiracy theories are clearly the way back, Rush. Thanks for showing GOP'ers the way. Thanks for leading. Thanks for another couple of terms of Democrats. Thanks for more socialism, we appreciate it. Keep it up.