FT. BRAGG--In what is being described as both an “Oops” moment and a bio-engineering disaster that threatens most of the Southeastern coast, the United States Military has announced that it is beginning to re-think it’s decision to create the now escaped ZR-T957 xenomorphic lifeform it had planned to employ as an relentless military killing force.
“We are now beginning to understand the criticisms we dismissed as pussified nonsense during the planning and testing stages,” admitted Colonel Gerald Donner, officer in charge of both the initial Project: Colossus genetic engineering foray and the current statewide capture/kill mission.
“We laughed at team geneticist Dr. Goldblum when he told us that playing God in such a reckless manner would have dangerous and deadly consequences for the world at large. I would just like to officially announce that boy, is there egg on my face. I would also like to openly reach out to the doctor in the hopes that he would come and help lead an elite team of scientists and soldiers into the Great Smoky Mountains National Park, which the creatures now entirely control.”
The ZR-T957 lifeforms, dubbed "Flesh Reavers" by those working on the top secret project, were initially designed for strategic urban warfare situations. But they quickly proved adaptable to any environment or situation, surpassing even the most horrid machinations of the design team. The nightmare monsters, reportedly conceived as a cocktail of the very worst characteristics of the xenomorph from Alien, a bison-sized Cthulu, and Gary Oldman’s drug-addled DEA agent Stansfield from the Professional, quickly grew out of control and escaped in the early hours of the morning.
“Again, we are really, really sorry,” said a distressed Col. Donner while contemplating whether or not to pin a hand-scrawled "SINNER" sign to his chest and put a gun in his mouth. “Maybe we should have stuck with robots after all..."
The Army released a detailed three-step plan to be implemented by citizens should they cross paths with one of the creatures. If no readily available means of suicide is available, the best tactic is to make one's peace with God and go limp. Added Col. Donner, "They only prolong the unspeakable pain if you struggle.”
For now the army is asking for people to pray that the use of tactical nuclear strikes eradicates the creatures. Failing that, they stress preparation for a total evacuation of the east coast so that firebombing may commence in earnest.
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