Quote of the day

During this financial crisis, who really has to respect the chutzpah, nay balls, of our financial betters. They ruined the economies of the world on the backs of financial products they didn't understand, bankrupted several countries, worked against the interests of their clients for their own gain, caused an immense international crisis through low rent gambling and stupidity, and cost the taxpayers trillions. But throughout that, they still have maintained their smug sense of superiority, their complete failure to recognize they did anything even mildly wrong, the belief that they actually provided a service of some tangible value, and attempted to stop any and all attempts to reign in their behavior... of which they largely succeeded.

But every once in a while you get to see the bile and rage bubble up and you see their true contempt for the people they almost deliberately fucked over. In this case you can strike the "almost" from the equation. Bernie Madoff did deliberately fuck over his clients... and he's still mad they didn't thank him for the pleasure.

According to a lengthy new piece by Steve Fishman in New York magazine, Madoff, who apparently pals around with a former mob boss and a spy in a federal prison in Butner, North Carolina told a fellow inmante, "Fuck my victims. I carried them for twenty years, and now I'm doing 150 years.
...
"One day, Shannon Hay, a drug dealer who lived in the same unit in Butner as Madoff, asked about his crimes. "He told me his side. He took money off of people who were rich and greedy and wanted more," says Hay, who was released in December. People, in other words, who deserved it.

See, he carried them. By which he means he stole from them and others to enrich himself while running a Ponzi scheme that, in fact, made no actual money. Why aren't these assholes grateful? Why didn't they protect their money overlord Bernie? The ingrates.

So gaze upon one of the biggest and best of the financial industry and marvel. Despite the fact that he stole from people for decades and the overwhelming amount of evidence of wrongdoing that put him in prison for a century and a half, the son of a bitch still thinks he didn't do anything wrong and that he was hard done by. That's some quality delusion and a wonderful example of the mindset that runs rampant through our financial betters. It's why they spend tens of millions opposing regulations or, more recently, stonewall federal panels. They can't believe you think they did something wrong when they shitted the world economy. The insolence, you peasants.

But don't think it's all self absorbed whining for Bernie Madoff, there's some good things he's done recently as well. Namely he got beaten up in a prison fight! So there's that.

I have an idea for a new themed pizza chain

Bernie Madoff is back in the news again as another civil lawsuit was filed against him, trying to get back all that money he stole. That's going to be a problem. If they want that money, they'll have to invent time travel, go back to 1975, outwit two streetwise toughs, infiltrate "a culture of sexual deviance", and then dig that money out of Bernie's nose.

Fallen financier Bernard Madoff has plunged from his Manhattan penthouse to the lower bunk of a cell he shares with a drug offender at a federal prison, where he eats pizza cooked by a child molester and hangs around with a mob boss and a convicted spy, according to legal papers filed Tuesday.
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According to the allegations – their source isn't specified – Madoff deployed an employee and to get drugs from 1975 to 2003, fueling an office so cocaine-laden insiders dubbed it "the North Pole." Office parties featured topless waitresses, employee affairs were common and Madoff kept a list of his favorite pretty masseuses in his personal phone book, the lawsuit said, claiming investors' money helped pay for it all.

I refuse to accept the possibility that coke and hookers were used to excess at any time on Wall Street. Still, I wonder if "the North Pole" was only a reference to cocaine part of the drug fueled orgies. God I hope not.

Still I'd like to know the context of the whole "eats pizza cooked by a child molester" thing. Is that a reference to how far he's fallen, a "Look at what he's been reduced to" type thing? Or is it more of a "Haw haw" type thing? Because if it's the former, I reject the notion that child molester pizza is a bad thing. I mean if you want to lure children you have to get them with things they like, namely pizza. The man can probably whip up a good pie, not to mention chicken fingers and grilled cheeses. That's a benefit Madoff is getting.

In any event that entire story is full of win. Stealing billions to fuel drug and sex parties, hanging out with mobsters and Israeli agents, fight club, a kid diddler making pizzas piled high with pepperoni, and I'm sure he's being invited to all kinds of prison sex parties as well. His life is still better than all the people he bankrupted.

Headline of the day

Madoff In Prison Fight Over Stock Market

Not only that, but he apparently won the fight. You gotta watch yourself in those white collar prisons. It's shank or be shanked.

Art of the day

"What You See Might Not Be Real", artist Chen Wen Ling's sculptural representation of the financial crisis. The bull represents the markets, the man being speared in the rectum is Bernie Madoff.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.24

Inside the Apocalyptic Soviet Doomsday Machine
Just in case you were worried that the global financial apocalypse, wayward asteroids, the swine flu, or zombies weren't going to effectively wipe out all of humanity, rest assured, the Cold War still might be able to. That's right a Dr. Strangelove-esque Russian nuclear doomsday machine called Perimeter, is still active. If there's one silver lining, it's that the system isn't completely autonomous. So...sleep tight!

Prosecutors say half of Bernie Madoff's investors lost nothing in Ponzi scheme
Awww. Let's get him out of prison early then. And people try to say Ponzi schemes don't work. Hell, 50% of Madoff's clients were able to withdraw more money than they "invested" so I have to say Madoff's scheming worked out pretty well for them. Truly these are people who can say the glass was half full.

Newly Declassified Files Detail Massive FBI Data-Mining Project
I don't want to alarm you, but the government probably knows exactly how many socket wrenches you bought with your Sears card. Not to mention how many Days Inn travel points you have. That's right, because everyone loved data mining when it was applied to phone calls and e-mails, the feddy gov has decided to expand that to hotels, car rentals, corporate databases, and retail chains. Because why shouldn't we open up all areas of privacy to repeated government abuse?

Poll Begs Question: Is Extremism Mainstream?
Far be it from us not to take a free cheap shot at left wing lunatics when the opportunity arises. According to a Public Policy Polling...poll, nearly a quarter of Democrats are part of the 9/11 Truther movement and 14% believe G-Dub was the anti-Christ. Go fuck yourselves and take the PETA people and the bridge protesting banner people with you. George Bush was not some Bloefeld type terrorist mastermind. Everyone smart knows it was Dick Cheney and the Bilderburg Group that caused 9/11. Ron Paul 2012!

Beck attacks 14th Amendment, complete with picture of man, baby in sombreros
God, this new Glenn Beck book is going to be like ten Christmases. Not only does he have an entire section where he criticizes all the Amendments to the Constitution, he attempts a scholarly critique of how judges have misread them....by re-writing them in the most racist terms possible replete with stereotypical cartoons of Mexicans.Then he goes off to praise provisions that protected and incentivized the slave trade. I stand corrected: twenty Christmases. Never let this man stop talking or writing.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.24

The Favre and I
It was a romance many thought would span the breadth of time and teach us all about the true meaning of love. But like all true love, one day it withered on the vine. Such is the tale of Brett Favre, fresh off his 17th retirement, and his #1 media sweetheart Peter King. Slate traces their relationship from its earliest days of smitten infatuation, to the cruel breakup amidst rumors of a Favre/Madden tryst in the back of the Madden Cruiser. Will they ever reconcile? We'll see, since Favre will never retire, King will have plenty of opportunities to fall back in love.

All the President’s Zombies
Paul Krugman decides to use the TB metaphor method of choice -- ZOMBIES!!! -- to describe the health care debate and the seeming undead rise of Reaganism in the "government is bad" arguments against health care reform. Discredited ideas that keep rising from the dead inexplicably to menace British comedy duos, the greater Pittsburgh area, and women named Barbara. Here's an idea: shoot the zombies in the head. Either get some juice behind discrediting these ideas/getting news organizations to point out that they've been discredited....or just kill anyone who repeats them. Either/or. It's really up to you, Paul.

BERNIE 'DYING' IN JAIL
Awwwww, why does cancer always happen to the good ones? Could his confession and positioning as the sole fall guy for the entire Ponzi scheme be his attempt at cleansing his soul before death? Who gives a fuck? God has smited him with a plague for his many affronts against humanity. On a lighter note, the Post also divulges that Madoff hangs out with the Native Americans in prison, partaking in their sweat lodges, and also pals around with "the homosexual posse", but that other ethnicities are trying to recruit him into their gangs. I can think of no funnier thing than Bernie Madoff weighing the relative merits of joining the Mexican Mafia or the Black Guerrilla Family with his "homosexual posse."

Healthcare insurers get upper hand
I don't want to alarm you, but it seems that heath insurers might stand to reap a financial windfall and are might be exceedingly thrilled with the way health care reform negotiations have seemed to ditch the only possible chink in their armor: a public plan. By which I mean they are going to get rich and are really happy about it. Whew! I was worried for a second that these useful pillars of American society weren't going to make out like bandits. Thank God we have people in Congress looking out for them, instead of the teeming masses of peasants who want just a touch more gruel in their bowl.

Obama’s Team Is Lacking Most of Its Top Players
Wonder how the Obama Administration is supposed to run any of the Government Department's with only 43% of it's political appointees in place? Yeah, so are a lot of people. But hey, it's just the beauty of our system, where the President is expected to run the government without our legislative bodies or vetting processes actually allowing anyone to be put in place to run the government. Marvel at Hillary Clinton going to a international forum on international development, but having no one manning the Agency for International Development. Or holding a summit for nuclear nonproliferation with no nonproliferation secretary. Remember: when America does finally collapse under the weight of its own ineffective bullshit, try to act surprised when stuff like this is brought up.

Now he wants to talk

Bernie Madoff is spilling his guts. Unfortunately it's not because someone sliced him open like a taun-taun and needs to use his body husk to warm something. No he's getting loquacious about how he stole all that money. Let me see if I can figure out his brilliant scheme: take people's money, take more people's money, tell them you're totally making them rich, take more people's money, meet with SEC and tell them everything's copacetic, take more people's money, and then watch it all crash down as your easily disprovable scheme is thwarted by someone paying attention. Is that about right?

A lawyer for victims of Bernard Madoff's Ponzi scheme says the financier told him during a 4 1/2-hour prison interview plenty of details about the fraud, including how it took place and how securities regulators missed catching him.
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Nancy Fineman, a lawyer who works with Cotchett and attended the interview, said Madoff described his meetings with the Securities and Exchange Commission while he was committing the fraud and the fact the SEC was unable to catch him, which didn't seem to surprise him.

Authorities say Madoff cost thousands of investors over several decades at least $13 billion as he told them the money had grown to about $65 billion.

See, all you have to do to be taken seriously on Wall Street is to declaratively state you have made a ton of money and then hope you said it forcefully enough that no one will ever say "prove it." If you want to deceive the SEC all you have to do is hope that they're lazy enough to never actually spend two consecutive seconds looking at your house of cards, even if they have respected investors openly telling them you're running a scam. I do like the notion that Madoff's Ponzi scheme was different than all the other Ponzi schemes and that he is needed to unravel the mystery inside a riddle wrapped up in an enigma that is taking the money of suckers and paying returns out of the money taken from other suckers.

I did like this quote:

"I think he's not happy to be where he is, but he's certainly not complaining," the lawyer said. "The guy's facing 150 years. That's a long time for anybody."

I wouldn't worry, I don't think there's any possibility Bernie will end up having to do the full 150.

Safety prison

Aww sometimes the bad stuff just keeps happening to the good ones. It seems that Bernie Madoff didn't get accepted into his first choice of prison in New York and had to settle for one of the safety prisons he applied to in North Carolina. I know, how could the Feds be so unkind as to deny a billionaire crook his every whim as he shuffles off to die in prison? It's not all bad, at least he's not going to have to go to one of those "rapey" prisons.

The Butner complex includes a minimum-security federal camp, a low-level security prison, two medium-level facilities as well as a medical facility that specializes in cancer treatment.

At the medium-security facility, built in 1976, inmates are paired into rooms with bunk beds, a desk and a sink, according to a former prison employee. Inmates are assigned to jobs such as landscaping or tutoring.

The facility has a recreation yard, library areas and a canteen where inmates can purchase everything from cookies to wristwatches. Families of inmates can send them money to spend at the canteen. Inmates aren't allowed to use the Internet, but they do have television privileges. Permitted programs are rated PG-13 and lower.

Ugh, not only does he have a roomate, but they have to sleep in bunk beds? No 'R' rated movies? I bet the wait staff isn't up to Madoff's five-star standards either. Well, at least he'll have some use for all those billions he an his wife were able to stash. He'll be big shit in the yard when he's walking around with a pallet full of Oreo's and a cool mil in the canteen account. It's just shame that he has to suffer the indignity of medium security. But apparently if you're sentenced to over 10 years (and 15 times 10 years happens to be over 10 years) or you're in severe danger of becoming the minimum security's version of Schillinger or Adebisi's bitch, you have to be bumped up to medium security and go to a prison with fences.

There's still a chance he could be sent to his first choice pending an appeal where his lawyers argue that being in North Carolina but not being placed near a posh coastal resort constitutes "cruel and unusual" punishment. Maybe it's for the best, if he was in NY many of the people he defrauded still have enough money to afford a bus ticket to hitch a ride up to the prison so they can heap abuse on him in person. If he's in NC, Greyhound's price structure will make most of them unable to make the trip. Silver linings.

Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn

Madoff Sentenced to 150 Years for Ponzi Scheme

Shit, here I was sitting all smugly waiting to put up some post comparing mandatory minimums for drugs to the assuredly light sentence Madoff would get for stealing billions of dollars. Then they had to go and give him the maximum 150 years sentence. Ouch. If there's any consolation it's that the world will be a wondrous new place that will finally have flying cars and shit when he walks out those prison gates in 2159 at the ripe old age of 221.

Just kidding, he'll be long dead and un-mourned. Is there any chance we can get the judge to make sure the body stays in the prison for the full 150 years? Lacquer the corpse up, mount in on a wall, and leave it there as a message to all the little country club kids who come in for the "Scared Straight: White Collar Edition" program.

Prison 101

Those Madoff relatives are forward thinking people. Well, except for the whole "future consequences of running a multi-billion dollar pyramid scheme" thing. Flush with money, status, and opportunities a life their uncle spent stealing provided, they've decided to prepare for their future. Not by covering Uncle Bernie's legal debts, paying back all the money they've thieved, apologizing, expressing any shred of remorse, or putting a pillow over Bernie's face and watching his legs slowly stop twitching, they've decided to enroll together in a prison refresher course.

Bernard Madoff's niece and another relative -- worried they'll wind up behind bars -- have contacted a consultant who teaches white-collar criminals how to survive in federal prison and secure early release, sources said.
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Levine refused to identify his clients, but admitted that "a female relative of Bernie Madoff contacted me" about taking his Fedtime 101 crash course. Shana contacted the company two weeks ago "because she was concerned about her safety" should she ever go to jail, one source said.
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He said a representative of Bernard had contacted him before the Ponzi scammer went to jail, but the rep's lawyers declined to let him take the course because his phone chats were being monitored. None of the Madoffs has yet sent money to Levine, he said.

God I'd love to have that man's job. Locking up rich people and treating them like shit as "preparation" for prison, then they thank you by paying you a large sum of money for the abuse. Anyway, we've been able to steal a list of Fedtime 101's top secrets for pampered lily white crooks. How to survive in prison: White Collar criminals edition

• Shank or be shanked
• Don't ever mention that you ran a pyramid scheme, you killed those people and stole $50 billion dollars worth of their money
• The Dixie Mafia is probably out after you snitched, so join MS-13 or La Nuestra Familia. Play up your El Salvadorian heritage
• Remember to treat the next guy to be convicted for helping plunge this country into a financial hole nicely and show him the ropes
• Just kidding Bernie, you're the only guy who'll do time
• Note that you're in the federal penal system with actual terrorists, homegrown or foreign, who have attempted or succeeded in destroying large chunks of this country
• Note that you've done more damage to the country than they've ever hoped to
• No autographs for free, you better be getting a couple a cigs or prime prison ass for such eBayable material
• Find religion, but make sure it's one of those religions that doesn't want a 10% cut of your earnings
• Bring some of the financial wizardry you helped pioneer to the prison economy
• Apologize for collapsing the prison economy
• Clench tightly. Don't ever think of unclenching
• Toilet sangria: not quite Crystal, but close. Drink up
  
• If there's a Death Race or Running Man type program, sign up
• No embarrassing, Saddam-type photos of you in your underwear
  

Broken News: Nation slowly realizing that financial crisis not some intricate April Fool’s joke

CHICAGO—Over a week after the fact, local man Joe Erskine has seen his mood slowly turn from one of imminent surprise and excitement to one of overarching doom and depression. Mr. Erskine, like many other of his fellow citizens in the Chicagoland area, had been expecting to learn that what some economists had called “the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression” had in fact just been an elaborate buildup to the world’s greatest April Fool’s Day prank ever.

"Call me a pessimist, but I'm starting to doubt that someone is going to jump out from behind a bush and yell ‘Gotcha!’ anytime soon,” observed Mr. Erskine, a drywall contractor from Calumet. “These last few months, I've been marveling at the lengthy buildup and layering of tricks. How they were all so deep into the prank that they had even begun tampering with my contracting business to make it seem like work was drying up, how friends would pretend to lose their jobs, and the extra lengths my wife went to playacting the increasing strain the ‘crisis’ was putting on our marriage. I hesitate to say this, but, this thing might just be real.”

Among the chief concerns of those who remain convinced this is a prank are the staggering logistical requirements of collusion between every media outlet, economist, and political leader in the country, the financial cost of hiring experienced document forgers and website hackers to make it appear as if bank balances and investments were evaporating, and the fact that the joke seems to get less and less funny as we creep further into April.

“This is comedy 101 people,” explained comedian Harry Gellar, currently doing a weekly set at Chuckles in Joliet. “Anticipation and delay, tension and release. All comedy is based on timing. But if you wait a week to spring the punchline, people just might not think the joke is all that funny anymore."

Asked if he, too, thought that the crippling recession is just an elaborate hoax, Gellar shrugged. "If it is, I'm not in on it. All I can say is, Joe Cassano better be jumping out of a goddamn layer cake dressed like a clown, holding a ‘Fooled You!’ balloon toot-sweet. Frankly, I’m worried. I’m beginning to think that getting that adjustable rate mortgage on a house I couldn’t really afford wasn’t the smartest thing."

Still, many are increasingly unwilling to chalk the country's pending financial collapse up to a mean-spirited prank, choosing instead to focus on the lost opportunities and signs they should have seen.

“You know, I was starting to get wise this might not be a hoax when I saw the justice department spend so much time on Madoff,” observed investor Brian Cohen, who hasn’t yet realized he lost millions in the Ponzi scheme. “I just remember thinking ‘This seems pretty serious for a prank. Surely they aren’t wasting this much time and effort on a joke.' Maybe I really did lose all that money..."

“Shit,” he sighed. “Now I really regret not gouging that bastard’s eyes out at the Temple Beth El Passover Seder we went to with him last year. “

Erskine's mood seemed to darken even further when told of those who believe the financial crisis is actually real. After throwing a stool through his kitchen window, Erskine calmly sat down at the table to managed a smile. “Why should I be concerned that this all isn’t actually a big joke at my expense?” he asked.

“This is all just a dream anyway,” he said, blood beginning to seep from fresh purple welts as he furiously pinched at his skin. “This is all just a very bad dream...”

Seats 5-6. Row 8. Section 11.

Would you like the most tragically ironic, financial apocalypse related sporting event seats in the world? Good news then. Bernie Madoff's Mets tickets in the newly built CitiField are up for sale!

For $810, you can put yourself in Bernard Madoff's place -- his Citi Field seats, that is.

The trustee overseeing the liquidation of Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities put a pair of tickets for Monday's Citi Field opener on sale on eBay on Wednesday. As of 5 p.m. today, the current bid was $800 for the tickets, seats 5-6 in the eighth row in section 11, just to the home plate side of the Mets' dugout.

EBAY LISTING

There was a deadline of 8:21 p.m. Friday to bid for the seats, which are called Delta Club Gold and come with access to the Delta Club behind home plate. The tickets retail for $525 apiece, and the $800 bid for the pair was the only one that had been made. The next bid would have to be at least $10 more.

Lawyer Irving H. Picard worked out a deal with the Mets, returning to the team two $695 seats in the second row, called Delta Club Platinum, in exchange for the pair being sold on eBay. Links for other April tickets to be sold will be posted on Picard's Web site, www.madofftrustee.com.

Not only are the seats in an area named after a failing airline, they're in the AIG Foul Ball Zone behind home plate, right near Hank Paulson's Pulled Pork BBQ Sandwich cart. Later on the Mets will be selling off the individual April game Madoff seats, but hope to sell the rest of the years seats in a package deal. Frankly this is the best chance you'll have to see a sporting event in the style befitting a 21st century robber baron. Well, at least until Joe Cassano's luxury box at Manchester United's AIG Financial Priducts Division Globodome come up for sale.

Awwwwwwww

Madoff's yacht seized on French Riviera

French authorities on the Cote d'Azur have chained up his $7 million yacht "Bull" at a port in the exclusive Mediterranean enclave of Cap d'Antibes, between Cannes and Nice.

Bailiffs threw a heavy chain around the boat's propeller on Friday after a court granted the request by French investment firm Meeschaert, one of the many former investors in one of Madoff's funds that is now suing to get some of its clients' money back.

The Bull was seized "just in time," lawyer Philippe Rames of Gide Loyrette Nouel told the Associated Press. "It seems that the people who were taking care of the boat were getting ready to move it to more accommodating waters," said Rames, who is working for Meeschaert on the case.

A warning posted by the bailiffs on the boat reads: "Important: Do not turn on the motors, considering that the propellers are chained."

It's a shame. Of the things this global financial meltdown produces that I most wanted to see, a crew of Madoff flunkies roaming the high seas evading creditors, evading any fiscal payments or asset forfeiture to Madoff's debtors had to be near the top of the list. They'd wear little Madoff themed naval uniforms, run a flag (Madoff's head on a $100 bill) up the mizzenmast, and raid the fishing boats and party cruisers of the middle class. Maybe Mrs. Madoff declaring their penthouse a sovereign pirate nation would be as good, but what are the odds of that happening? It's too bad the damned French police had to get in the way of my dreams.

Collect 'em all.

Bernie Madoff on a baseball card

"I'll trade you two Bernie Madoffs for a Derek Jeter and David Wright."

Baseball card collectors could soon be saying something along those lines as the Topps Company will be issuing a trading card of confessed swindler Bernard Madoff as part of a product due out early this summer.

The Topps 2009 Allen & Ginter release will include cards of some 260 baseball players along with cards of historic figures and "world champions" from realms outside baseball. This year's product, though, will also nod to Madoff's financial chicanery as part of a group of cards featuring the "world's biggest hoaxes, hoodwinks and bamboozles." Among the other do-badders in the subset are Charles Ponzi, The Runaway Bride, and Enron.

Ahh Topps, PT Barnum would be proud. Commemorate swindlers and cheats inflating the value of worthless things......on pieces of cardboard with pictures on it that sell for millions of dollars in some cases. I bet you didn't make an "Ironic Realizations" card for that revelation though.

How much are these cards worth? Topps says $60 billion, but investigators say it's probably much less. The cards should eventually be worth something some day as most people, when confronted by a Madoff card, will shred it, tear it, or burn it. So someday it'll be a rare collectors item. Just kidding, it'll be as worthless as his firm's assets. Just one more indignity for Bernie. First he loses his fortune, becomes a public pariah, goes to jail (presumably), and then it turns out his baseball card is worth less than the Billy Ripken "Fuck Face" card. Ouch.

Paparazzi oppress those who actually deserve it

If there's another benefit to the financial collapse, and we are examining the silver linings today on TB, it's that paparazzi have moved their oppressive coverage, swarming locust masses, and constant video scrutiny to people who actually deserve it: crooked CEO's. It seems as the crisis worsens people want to see coverage shift from attempts to create eating disorders, traffic violations, and street level up angle crotch shots, to, well the same things....but focused at people who have stolen from us and bankrupted us instead of entertaining us.

The celebrity Web site TMZ and TV shows like “Extra” and “Inside Edition” are expanding their coverage of starlets and Hollywood break-ups to include billion-dollar business scandals and the economic collapse.
...
TMZ, a Web site better known for unflattering paparazzi shots of Britney Spears and Rihanna, drove mainstream coverage and Congressional outrage with a blog post late last month that exclaimed, “Bailout Bank Blows Millions Partying in L.A.” The site reported that Northern Trust, a bank that received $1.6 billion in taxpayer money, had hosted hundreds of clients and employees at a golf tournament and a series of parties in Southern California. “Your tax dollars, hard at work,” the site wrote.
...
Harvey Levin, the editor of TMZ, who called the story “the most important thing we’ve ever done,” knows his readers don’t come to the site for a dissertation on mortgage-backed securities. “It’s hard for people to wrap their heads around $800 billion in bailout money. It’s too big a thing,” he said. “It’s much easier to understand paying for a Sheryl Crow concert.”

“Britney is fluff,” said Rory Waltzer, a photographer for TMZ, “but the stories about Northern Trust and Madoff and politicians in D.C. really have an impact on the country.”

You just found that out now? You needed financial Ragnarok to let you know that driving Britney Spears to an emotional meltdown over a period of years wasn't actually important? One thing though, stop trying to claim a Sy Hersh/Murray Waas level of investigative journalism. You aren't actually trying to cover these stories as news, you just cover them the way you cover/humiliate Octomom or Paris Hilton. It's just that you're trying to get a shot of Madoff's bulge as he gets out of a car this go around. All you're doing is providing the maximum level of discomfort the law provides until they're convicted. Which is exactly what we want this time. We've moved from wanting to see our idols be dragged down to our level to seeing crooks get fucked with.

When this is all over you'll still be back covering Joaquin Phoenix's latest meltdown, not diving into the balance sheets of Fortune 500 companies to discover the next crisis. Stop confusing yourselves with Woodward and Bernstein and go fuck with Mrs. Madoff, she's still hoarding that stolen money.

On second thought, maybe Madoff is an even bigger asshole than you thought

Madoff To Plead Guilty To 11 Counts

In a courtroom surprise, it was revealed Tuesday that Bernard Madoff will plead guilty Thursday to securities fraud, perjury and other crimes, knowing that he could face up to 150 years in prison for one of the largest frauds in history. The revelation came as prosecutors unveiled an 11-count charging document against the 70-year-old former Nasdaq chairman, and as his lawyer, Ira Sorkin, told a judge that Madoff planned to plead guilty this week without a plea deal.

Madoff has been under house arrest in his $7 million Manhattan penthouse since he was arrested in early December after authorities said he confessed to his family that he had carried out a $50 billion fraud. In court documents filed Tuesday, prosecutors raised the size of the fraud to $64.8 billion, an amount recounted in apparently false statements from November 2008.

Shocking, I can't believe he'd wouldn't want to face a trial or judgment by a jury of his peers. Seems though the government decide to up their estimate of funds thieved and extra $15 billion, really vaulting Madoff up higher on the all time crooked fuckers list. This despite the fact that last week they were saying Madoff might have only stolen a couple of billion, due to the fact they were using his "profit" "records" as a basis. Guess not.

So now that he's plead guilty on 11 counts of grand grand grand grand grand larceny he faces up to 150 years in prison, a life/death sentence unless he used that money to discover the secrets of immortality (possible, he stole a lot of fucking money). Now come the interesting part, dear reader: the sentencing. Are they going to treat him as the scumbag pariah he's become, punishing him in a magnitude of the wealth he stole, showing the country what happens to pigs like him, sending out a warning to all future Bernie Madoffs by giving him a 150 year sentence? Or do they do what normally happens, a slap on the wrist of about five years, which turns into a stint in the pen of about 18 months? I know I'm not betting high.

Bernie Madoff less of a scumbag than previously thought

Madoff's Ponzi Scheme: $50 Billion Figure May Be Fictitious

Bernard Madoff and $50 billion. His name and that number have become inseparable in describing the enormity of what has been called the largest white-collar fraud in history. It's a figure that has helped demonize Madoff and relegate big-time money managers charged in subsequent securities schemes to mere "mini-Madoff" status.

Investigators claim Madoff himself told them that he stole $50 billion, but it is becoming increasingly clear that the number may be as fictitious as the sprawling fraud that he allegedly ran.
...
Harbeck said he believes the $50 billion estimate is unreliable because it "includes entirely fictitious profits" that Madoff said he brought investors over the years. Even the $17.1 billion that the SEC recorded last year as being held by Madoff Investment Securities LLC _ once thought to be the legitimate side of his operation _ "does not appear to reflect reality," he added.

Oh, well then, only $17 billion. The man's practically a saint. What's all the fuss? I wonder if we can bail him out to cover his losses?

First he lies about his company, lies about the profits, then lies about how much he stole? Some people. I hope he feels bad about lying about exactly how many billions he thieved.

So, however big of a douchebag you thought Bernie Madoff was, reduce that number by half. He's still probably one of the biggest Wall Street scumfucks there ever was (an boy what an achievement that is) but let's not give the man any undue credit. So, if you thought he needed to spend a month in the public stockades, it's probably more like 2 weeks/a week and a half. To add insult to injury, as long as the TARP fund is handing out money to Wall Street, Bernie didn't even run the biggest Ponzi scheme ever. Some guys never win.

It's not my fault: Madoff edition

THE SEC WATCHDOG WHO MISSED MADOFF

The Securities and Exchange Commission's New York watchdog, under fire for failing to uncover Bernard Madoff's alleged $50 billion Ponzi scheme - despite a dead-on tip by a whistleblower - yesterday tearfully defended herself, arguing that she and the agency did the best job possible.

"Why are you taking a mid-level staff person and making me responsible for the failure of the American economy?" an upset Meaghan Cheung, with eyes tearing up, told The Post.

"I worked very hard for 10 years to make a career, and a reputation, and that has been destroyed in a month," said Cheung, who was the SEC's branch chief of the New York enforcement division during that unit's earlier probe of Madoff's brokerage business.

The 37-year-old has been singled out by whistleblower Harry Markopolos as the woman who failed to detect the scam despite his lengthy warnings. It was Cheung who signed off on a 2006 SEC investigation that effectively gave Madoff the all clear.

First off, you are a Branch Chief. That's not mid-level. Secondly, you received extremely specific warnings about the exact type of scheme Madoff was running and you failed to even come anywhere close to finding out what happened, in fact you said everything was on the level. Ponzi schemes are possibly the easiest fraud schemes to figure out and bust. The fraud behind a Ponzi scheme is that they don't have the amount of money or holdings that they say they do. Whether or not they are telling the truth is a matter of you looking at what they claim they hold and then going to the custodian/banks who are holding all that money/filthy lucre and seeing if the numbers match up. You couldn't even do that.

Boo hoo, you fucked up horrifically. Of course your career should take a drubbing. Despite a detailed map, flashlight, and a sherpa, you couldn't hack it up the mountain. Maybe you're an idiot, maybe you didn't want to take on the guy who was buddy-buddy with everyone important in the financial industry, including the SEC. Either way you told everyone the guy who defrauded people for $50 billion was squeaky clean, despite him running one of the oldest, most obvious, and most easily verifiable scams in the books. You didn't notice any of this, but it wasn't your fault. Thanks for taking responsibility and showing so much dignity, somewhere there's a four year old who's embarrassed for you.

Who could have foreseen?: SEC Oversight edition

SEC Didn't Act on Madoff Tips

The Securities and Exchange Commission learned about what it describes as one of the largest securities frauds in history when Bernard L. Madoff volunteered his confession, raising questions about the agency's ability to police the financial marketplace.

The SEC had the authority to investigate Madoff's investment business, which managed billions of dollars for wealthy investors and philanthropies. Financial analysts raised concerns about Madoff's practices repeatedly over the past decade, including a 1999 letter to the SEC that accused Madoff of running a Ponzi scheme. But the agency did not conduct even a routine examination of the investment business until last week.

Bang up job SEC, really top shelf work. Who even needs you around overseeing everything, the market will just police itself. No need to act on tips explicitly explaining the exact type of fraud Madoff was engaged in, why he's a respected businessman, is friends with all the people in charge, and has a "good reputation". That means he's on the level.

Thankfully we have dedicated public servants like former SEC Chairman Arthur Levitt to tell us all that it isn't his fault and to shut up and go away already. "The SEC going back to its formation, and the Justice Department going back to its formation, are never adequate to crime at its time. It's simplistic to look back and say that this was the SEC's fault." Really? Ponzi schemes are so complex that that the SEC is behind the curve? I was under the impression that they were one of the simplest things to investigate, all you have to do is ask for proof that their holdings are what they claim they are. The Washington Post is under this assumption too.

I bet I'm wrong though. This was a mistake of too smart criminals and probably too much regulation, not totally negligent and non-existent oversight. Who could have foreseen this ever happening?