Broken News: Paulson, Bernanke to Jump Economy on Rocket Cycles

Artist's conception of proposed cycle jump

WASHINGTON—In an innovative step designed to address the worsening worldwide economic crisis, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and United States Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson have announced their intention to jump the economy on custom-designed rocket cycles. The government's financial titans hope this dramatic gesture will reassure lending institutions and help open up frozen credit markets.

“This is the bold leadership our country needs in a time of crisis,” remarked Samuel Grasscock, economic analyst and host of NPR’s I Want to Eat the Corn Out of Money's Shit (Weekdays 3-4 PM). “I just don’t think these bailout plans restored enough confidence in the system. The government might have thrown $700 billion in taxpayer money at the problem, but did it gamble with anything that really mattered? Now P-Son and Big Bank are putting their lives on the line. I think Wall Street is going to be impressed. We might just get out of this.”

While excitement has whirled through the banking world, questions have arisen as to the logistics of such a jump. Will Paulson and Bernanke simply jump Wall Street, or will the plan call for a pass over the Chicago Stock Exchange as well? Including the CSE would necessitate a jump over the Federal Reserve and the Treasury Department, not to mention the House Oversight Committees and any bills relating to financial regulation. Perhaps these various institutions, with all their suspicious liabilities, could be bundled into one institution and placed elsewhere, providing a clear angle of approach for Bernanke and Paulson.

“We’re goin’ whole hog,” said Dr. Ronnie “Handsome Devil” Tucker, former daredevil relegated to stunt coordinator after his 1997 Jump-for-the-Kids ended with his careening through a children's cancer ward. “The entire United States, save Hawaii and Alaska. Coast to coast. One jump. How do you like them apples? Not only do we think it’s going to have a big effect on the financial and banking industries, but just think of all the other problems we’re jumping. Homelessness, job loss, health care, Wyoming. This one jump may cure them all!”

When asked how two motorcycles could possess enough speed to jump the entire continent, Dr. Ronnie was confident. “Look, people might doubt our ability, but we’ve been working for almost a month on the two most cutting-edge rocket cycles in existence. They cost almost $350 billion a piece and are state-of-the-art fuel drinkin', fire blazin' rocket machinery. The problem isn’t jumping the US; it’s that we might jump Europe, too. Once we finish the ramp and calibrate the bikes, it’s all smooth sailin’. I mean rocketing. Yeah, smooth rocketing.”

Still, some are asking, "Why now?" given that Congress passed the Paulson plan a few weeks ago, giving the Treasury Secretery almost completely unfettered access to deal with the problem as he saw fit. Why the seemingly complete scrapping of that entire plan for a new one involving rocket cycles?

“Look, larger action was needed,” said Secretary Henry “His name is Robert” Paulson from the US Rocket Bike Testing Grounds and Old Fashioned Candy Confectionary (USRBTGOFCC) on the outskirts of the Great Salt Flats. “We needed to grab the imaginations of Wall Street and show them we were committed to helping them address the catastrophe that arose directly as a result of their culture of endemic greed and shortsightedness. We’re showing them we mean business… Paulson style. Yesterday's Dow Jones gains gave us the confidence that we wouldn’t need to plug holes with stop gap measures, that we could go for the gusto and solve this problem once and for all. With big, rocket-based motor aerobatics.”

At that point Chairman Bernanke chimed in, having just emerged from the USRBTGOFCC’s Official Aquafina Rubdown, Hand Action, and Massage room. “Some people might be worried by the fact that Hank here conceived of a colossal 2-1/2 pages of bailout plan requiring the government's purchase of bad assets that he swore was the only solution, then abruptly switched to urging the government to buy equity stakes in banks, then decided he wanted to jump the economy with a rocket bike. But I am here to tell you there is no need to worry. He didn’t come up with Project Rocket Economy. It has been US policy for quite some time now.”

This much is true. The tradition of employing complex distractions to address dire situations was begun by Alexander Hamilton, America's first Treasury Secretary. Hamilton used fireworks attached to roller skates to jump over Virginia’s four finest mules to convince the country to authorize the US Mint. A distinctly less successful example is Ogden Mills' failed attempt to jump Fay Wray on the newly invented motor scooter during the early days of the Great Depression, an incident that is widely credited by historians with exacerbating the crisis.

The jump is tentatively planned for early next week, pending wind conditions and the erratic emotional state of Henry Paulson. The recent uptick in world stock markets has provided these two financial daredevils with the opportunity to solve this crisis once and for all. One hopes, if this is the plan they’ll actually stick to this time, that their rocket-based danger cycles will bring us back to sound economic footing.