Broken News: Study reveals "Children not our future"

AUSTIN--After an exhaustive two-year joint study between the University of Texas and the University of Kansas, a respected research team has published its shocking finding: America's children aren't our future. The study further clarifies that, unless new and better children are harvested, America will have to entrust its future to some as yet undefined third party. Set to be published in this month’s New Scientific Journal of Horrifying Realities Quarterly, the study has already sent shockwaves through the scientific, education and political communities.

“I was just as shocked as anyone when I saw the results,” explained Dr. Hermann Ond, director of the study. “But facts are facts. American kids are dumbshits and we’re totally fucked if we are expecting them to lead anything other than this country off a massive fucking cliff with jagged pointy stab rocks at the bottom. Sorry to get so technical there, but its true. What else can you expect from a generation weaned on LOLspeak, the Hills, crunk music, and Epic Movie? Frankly we’re lucky the little turds haven’t burned this country to the ground yet in some sugar rush snit because they didn’t have enough ‘anytime’ minutes.”

Dr. Ond did add one caveat: “Look, if this whole economic situation turns this country into some new post-apocalyptic wasteland, all bets are off. These kids might actually lead us out of the abyss. Not economically or anything, but these kids are dumb and brutal enough to attack and subjugate rival tribes to dominate the nightmare desert the earth will become. Plus they already have sufficient weapons training. Pointy stick proficiency? Yes. Solving health care? To be honest, part of me is hoping for financial armageddon.”

The study shows that American kids are ignorant as to even some of the most basic laws in this country. For example, 25% think it is illegal for women or minorities to become President. One third of children believe that women and minorities haven’t held the position of President because they lack the mental faculties required to hold the position. Furthermore, the vast majority of incoming college students didn’t even have a functioning knowledge of civics.

“I’ve been telling people this shit for years,” cried out actor and civics advocate Richard Dreyfuss. “I’ve been telling people that if you cut civics out of the classroom, you cut out understanding of the way government works. You start forgetting about the ideas this country was founded on and you start moving towards increasing polarization and support of ideas that are contrary to American ideals. If you don’t even know what civil liberties are, how can you defend them? I warned about the giant killer sharks and you people ignored me. I warned about the fucking aliens in light up music ships and I was pushed to the back pages. Can we just, for once, listen to Richard Fuckin’ Dreyfuss on the issues? I’m right, this study helps confirm it! Kids are stupid and getting stupider!”

More than forgetting the ideals of this country, this study shows that children don’t even understand the basic scientific and mathematical principles that will likely be required to solve many of the complex problems of the future. The increased incursion of religion into the field of science has started to destroy true understanding of simple scientific precepts like evolution, dinosaurs, and the age of the universe. In fact, the study shows a 14% increase in both "fear of the sun" and "aircraft," which nearly 19% of respondents referred to as “big metal noise birds.”

When asked to comment on the results revealed in this study, Jasper Naylor of the Society for the Stopping of the Liberal Indoctrification and Whatnot released this statement. “This study by the Godless institutions at Kansas and Texas, whose study I will choose to believe because it confirms the success of my agenda, warms my heart. It shows that we are making progress towards a more old-fashioned, God-fearing country of the sort that we all vaguely remember from fifties television. When people start to realize that things like mathematics is witchcraft, with the using of symbols and magic formulas to divine new horrible ‘sums’, then this country can move forward. By moving backward. Frankly we need more people fearing the sky fire orb. God could explode it any minute to teach us a lesson about displaying ankles in the summertime.”

Already this study is having ramifications out on the campaign trail, long a venue where politicians would praise children as the future. Republican candidate John McCain released a statement that the “…fundamentals of our children were still strong,” noting that kids were still literate and could understand English.

Democratic candidate Barack Obama used the study to launch his own plan where he declared that “Super smart cyborgs are our future” and proposed a $200 billion dollar program to build a super computer now, while we were still smart, that could in turn develop and build these cyborgs. It was his hope that these cyborgs could then better the country and teach the new crops of children in a sufficient manner that they could once again be the future. But he cautioned “We must be ever vigilant that these super-smart computers and replicants do not destroy our way of life as they almost always do in science fiction movies.”

In any event, the study has caused a re-evaluation within the education industry, as teachers and administrators try to figure out where they went wrong. Whether it was their failure to do more with less or the diverting of funds from books to metal detectors, the National Teachers Association has vowed to have a new plan of action before next year’s budget cuts are announced by Congress. They hope that if they aren’t able to once again make children into America’s future, they can at least make them into America’s status quo.