Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.10

Gingrich: Americans ‘surrounded by paganism.’
Newt, fresh off of declaring people racist and giving speech tips to Sarah Palin, decided he hadn't spent enough time pandering to the religious right. And really, he is going to need support from the religious type is we are going to have our 2012 Newt-volution. In a wide ranging speech he declared Christianity the foundation of everything, claimed the Prop 8 victory was a "miracle from God's hand", and warned that America is under constant threat from pagan influences. It was unclear if he meant just the Harry Potter books or was including all the Pagan traditions Christians swiped for their holidays. He would have expounded, but he had to leave early to go cheat on his 4th wife with his future 5th wife.

U.S. clears 10 big banks to repay bailout funds
What do you know, they actually paid the money back. $68 billion to be precise. Funnily enough this caused an initial rise in the stock market before it "later shed most of the gains on concern the money could be better used for lending to boost the economy rather than paying it back to Treasury." That's right, the market reacts poorly to taxpayers getting paid back. I hope you don't have any plans for that money, like health care or a couple more months in Iraq, we need that money for car companies. Thanks banks, let's hope this was actually a good idea and not just some shortsighted attempt to unburden yourselves from all those regulations. I know what I'm betting on.

Gore To North Korea? Obama May Send Ex-VP To Negotiate Journalists' Release
Turns out the Obama Administration might need Al Gore to get off his fat, global warming, Nobel winning ass and start doing something productive. Like hostage negotiations. Because....uh....Al Gore...uh...something something. Why is this a good idea? Has he ever done anything like this before? Maybe Obama is just hoping that because the two journalists worked for Gore's Current network, he'll be extra motivated to get them back on the job and earning him some scratch, instead of lounging it in a North Korean prison camp, building Kim Jong-Il a really big waterslide.

A Brief History of Erotic Asphyxiation
In honor of David Carradine, who's sexual self suffocation has given me the immense please of hearing Nancy O'Dell, Pat O'Brien, and Mary Hart talk about auto-erotic asphyxiation and other celebrities bizarre sexually/drug related deaths. From Frantisek Kotzwara to Michael hutchence to the Snake Charmer himself, learn the complete history of what happens when you don't have a spotter watching you while you wank it with a belt around your neck.

Remote Pacific nation to take Gitmo detainees
Finally the US Government has found something to do with the 17 innocent Chinese Uighur Muslims that it had been holding a Guantanamo for no good reason: they're shipping them off to another island. But this time it's in the Pacific! They're getting a one way ticket to Palau. Interesting facts about Palau. 1. There were actually more people being held at Gitmo than are citizens of Palau. 2. Chances are your house is bigger than Palau. 3. In order to get them to take these 17 innocent people, we're going to have to pay them close to $200 million in development assistance. 4. It will pretty much be swallowed by the sea if the ice caps melt any more.So good luck Uighurs, hope you enjoyed our hospitality. Hope Al Gore's hostage negotiations don't take too much time away from his trying to prevent the destruction of your new home.