Things you don't want to hear the smartest man in the world say

We all have dreams about aliens and space travel. Most of them involve aliens landing, telling you you're the ultimate special human, and then whisking you far away to fight in an intergalactic battle where you're the key to defeating evil, and your reward will be all the space bucks and alien princess 'tang you can carry. Or it involves aliens invading Earth and you coming up with the key to defeat them that was so simple that the aliens, with their superior intelligence and weaponry, really should have had a contingency plan for it, but OH THEIR ALIEN HUBRIS AND ARROGANCE, YOU CANNOT DEFEAT THE HUMAN SPIRIT!

Or maybe you just want to be Han Solo or fuck around and have a family type adventure with a stranded, but friendly, alien. Whatever. The point is, you don't think of the aliens coming down, fucking our shit up royally, and then exterminating or enslaving us for all eternity. Well, Stephen Hawking really wants you to start considering that notion. Like, right now.

“To my mathematical brain, the numbers alone make thinking about aliens perfectly rational,” he said. “The real challenge is to work out what aliens might actually be like.”
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Hawking uses them to lead on to a serious point: that a few life forms could be intelligent and pose a threat. Hawking believes that contact with such a species could be devastating for humanity.

He suggests that aliens might simply raid Earth for its resources and then move on: “We only have to look at ourselves to see how intelligent life might develop into something we wouldn’t want to meet. I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. Such advanced aliens would perhaps become nomads, looking to conquer and colonise whatever planets they can reach.”

He concludes that trying to make contact with alien races is “a little too risky”. He said: “If aliens ever visit us, I think the outcome would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.”

Bleak enough for you? That's just the beginning stages of the Discovery Channel's new series Into the Universe with Stephen Hawking. Hell, part four is called "Aliens: Did I mention the part where they rape you and eat you at the same time? No? Trust me, it'll be awful."

But, the smartest man on earth isn't just trying to scare you about aliens and sell a spec script to Steven Spielberg where a man in a wheelchair beats back the evil Columbus aliens with knowledge, quantum theory, and a chair mounted Gatling gun, no, he's trying to educate about other things as well.

Aside from aliens, Hawking's program discusses the nature of life, space travel, time travel, black holes, and the wonders of the cosmos in an attempt to entertain and teach. Largely about how we're all doomed, but also about things that we won't be able to see or fully comprehend... because hostile forces from other planets will have wiped our civilization out before we become smart enough. The four part miniseries already aired its first two parts on the 25th, with the second two to come in subsequent weeks. Watch, learn, and be afraid.

Things you don't want to hear analysts say

When we all heard that Goldman-Sachs was being sued by the SEC for purposely selling bad products to its customers and betting against them, the reaction was mixed: we couldn't decide whether to laugh, pump our fists, high five the nearest bystander, yell "'bout fuckin' time", or just prepare for the inevitable disappointment when nothing of any importance happens to them as a consequence. We chose instead to wait outside Matt Taibbi's house for what we assumed would be one of the most exultant and joyous celebration keggers in recent memory.

Of course the SEC lawsuit caused them a hit in their stock price. Alleging massive fraud tends to do that. But not to worry, our financial betters see rosy clouds on the horizon and decided to state it in the most naked way possible:

Analysts Bullish On Goldman's Stock, Citing Political Relationships

Doesn't that headline just warm the cockles of your heart? Why does Fitch Ratings give Goldman an "A+" rating, FBR Capital Markets give a "Outperform" rating, Bernstein Research note that the bank's long-term potential remains "attractive", and Rochdale Securities said the stock is still worth buying? Why, because of how well Goldman has entwined itself within the levers of power and among our elected betters. Something about a vampire squid wrapping itself around something, jamming its blood funnel into something.

So don't shed a tear for Goldman Sachs. No, they'll make out all right. Little things like SEC lawsuits that say you engaged in a conspiracy to defraud your own customers don't matter, you're still a good buy. Why? Because you used all that money you sucked out of the corpse of this country to buy some powerful BFF's. Well done. In fact, buy their stock. It's probably the only surefire way to get your money back after you listened to their investment advice.

Things you don't want to hear the military say

There are things you don't want to hear the military say. Things like "Sorry we accidentally killed all those civilians", "Sorry we purposely killed all those civilians", "I just read a Glenn Beck book, who wants to start a Tea Bag militia with actual soldiers?", "I found the pin, but where's the grenade?", or "Anyone seen a large nuclear bomb shaped object lying around... perhaps with a southern man in a cowboy hat riding it... no?".

How about "we foresee a severe oil crisis that will drive up prices drastically as demand outstrips supply and further compounds large scale economic problems" and notes that they're going to be operating and planning for the future under these projections?

The US military has warned that surplus oil production capacity could disappear within two years and there could be serious shortages by 2015 with a significant economic and political impact.

The energy crisis is outlined in a Joint Operating Environment report from the US Joint Forces Command. ... "By 2012, surplus oil production capacity could entirely disappear, and as early as 2015, the shortfall in output could reach nearly 10 million barrels per day," says the report, which has a foreword by a senior commander, General James N Mattis.

It adds: "While it is difficult to predict precisely what economic, political, and strategic effects such a shortfall might produce, it surely would reduce the prospects for growth in both the developing and developed worlds. Such an economic slowdown would exacerbate other unresolved tensions, push fragile and failing states further down the path toward collapse, and perhaps have serious economic impact on both China and India."

Well.... goody gumdrops. Bonus points to a Mad Max apocalypse scenario. Now I know I won't look like an ass for armoring up my dune buggy and creating an array of fearsome costumes and masks.

I know you might be thinking "Well that's just the military and blarg blarg conspiracy raaargh no blood for oil", but if there's one thing that the US military takes seriously it's their ability to wage war and massive oil shortages fuck with their ability to wage war. On the bright side they're talking about 2015 and by then we'll probably have all that coastal offshore oil drilled out by then.

Sunshine and smiles everyone. Start hoarding gas and take lessons on how to subdue a school-bus full of gas, crossbow wielding rebels, and feral children with a Dodge Charger and a few thrill seeking minions.

Oh no you don't

What would be the most unforgivable thing Barack Hussein Obama could do? It's not completely fuck up health care reform. It's not keeping a frightening number of Bush Administration legal policies. It's not escalating Afghanistan. And it's not being a socialist Kenyan Mooslem black nationalist who wants to detonate the Bill of Rights with his underpants bomb. No, it's this:

ABC insiders may soon want to tell President Obama to get "Lost."

The White House is finalizing plans for this year's State of the Union address and is said to be mulling two dates for the speech, according to a person familiar with the matter: Jan. 26 and Feb. 2.

So what's wrong with that? Well, Jan. 26 would mean an interruption of "American Idol" -- though Fox likely planned for that (or would simply tell the White House to take a hike, as it has before).

But Feb. 2? Other than the fact that it's a holiday (Groundhog Day/TV MoJoe's birthday), that's the date ABC months ago staked out for the premiere of the final season of "Lost."

BARRY, YOU SON OF A BITCH! DON'T MESS WITH MY EMOTIONS!

Isn't there something in the Constitution or the Magna Carta that says "Thous shalt be required to give the State of the Union on the first Tuesday of the second month of the year. That is, of course, unless there is the invention of a magical picture box that will debut the first part of the final installment of a popular dramatical play. Then it shall be moved to when some other dumb ass bullshit is on. So sayeth the founding fathers."

Is there really any question what to bump? American Idol. Or, if you don't want to enrage all the rural tractor riding bible thumpin' coal miners who watch it, you interrupt some other goddamn night where there isn't a good show on. Priorities Barry, priorities. We already know the state of the union: shitty and probably going to get shittier. Unless you're going to tell us what the smoke monster is in between praising the health care bill and outlining a jobs bill, don't waste our time.

I'm serious. Don't you do it, Barack. Lost baby, it's Lost.

Picture of the day

From the Smoking Gun comes a look at the kind of man who, a few short days from now, is going to rappel down your chimney, eat any pastries you have lying around, "gift" you a present from his "sack", and leave on a chariot pulled by serially abused animals.

I don't know, I think half of these guys are Billy Connolly and the other half are Randy Quaid.

Get a job

The hits just keep on coming. Sure, the economy is super great, what with profits on the rise, GDP shrinkage stopped, and banks and financial institutions feeling free to return to deeply dangerous and arcane financial instruments that they don't understand and leverage them into economy killing ways in an attempt to gain short term profits again. But one tiny, niggling little indicator refuses to make any improvements, despite the economy being both being radical and tubular: the assholes in the economy. They're all still jobless.

The American economy lost 263,000 jobs in September — far more than expected — and the unemployment rate rose to 9.8 percent, the government reported on Friday, dimming prospects of any meaningful job growth by the end of the year.

The Labor Department’s monthly snapshot of unemployment dashed hopes that the pace of job losses would continue to slow as the economy clawed its way back from a deep recession. Economists had expected 175,000 monthly job losses.

“People have been celebrating that we’re through the financial crisis, but the underlying issues are all still there,” said Dean Baker, co-director of the Center for Economic and Policy Research. “We’ve lost trillions of dollars in housing wealth, and consumption’s going to be weak. It’s not the ’30s, but there’s really nothing to boost the economy.”

What's that, the 900th straight month economists haven't predicted job losses/gains correctly? Don't make any trips to Vegas, fellas. But if that wasn't bad enough, it seems we're back to that problem we had earlier where America is trying to enjoy its lovely Victorian garden party and some asshole economists are trying to point out the corpse pile near the cucumber sandwiches. If Dean Baker's gainsaying wasn't bad enough, Paul Krugman's back at it again, wearing his Nobel around his neck and blabbing on an on about "don't get cocky kid", "mission not accomplished", "the wolves of complacency will feast on the guts of the lamb of recovery", and "isn't my beard so great." It is, but that's beside the point.

Their solution? More stimulus, because spending the money now will cost us less in the long run. Yeah, I'm sure the Congress that couldn't get it right the first time when things were worse will get around to forming a competent new stimulus plan any day now. Right. Besides, the first one took care of their corporate masters, why would they need to do one to shore up the job market? Everyone else just has to muddle through 10% unemployment, while pundits talk about no one having jobs as "the one black mark on an otherwise great recovery." Not even a black mark, light gray at worst.

Well then, I don't know what everyone is complaining about

Iran Extends Deadline for Election Inquiry

As officials began a limited recount of Iran’s disputed presidential ballot on Monday, authorities in Tehran said they had extended by five days their deadline to investigate opposition claims of electoral fraud. The move could postpone the final certification of the ballot, which Iranian leaders insist was fair.
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The Guardian Council, a 12-member clerical panel charged with vetting and authenticating the June 12 vote, said on Monday that Mr. Moussavi had offered proposals to “rebuilt public trust” after more than two weeks of rallies and protests by the opposition that have drawn a broad and violent crackdown from government security forces.

Press TV, the English-language state satellite broadcaster, said the council had found Mr. Moussavi’s proposals to be “positive.” It did not say what they were.

Whew! I was afraid there that all the complex and logistical challenges that election recounts and inquiries take wouldn't have the full amount of time to be completed. I mean with all those ballots cast, it takes a lot of time to pretend that they are being counted and pretend that laws are being followed. They don't want to make the mistake that was made on election night when they pretended to count them too fast. If they aren't allowed to fully complete the recount, how will they be able to do stuff like give Ahmadinejad more votes? If the GC doesn't have more time where are they gonna find the balls to pull more moves like that?

I'm just glad that when its all over the Guardian Council will have fully and officially certified two things: 1. Yes, Ahmadinejad won by that ridiculous margin, and 2. Thinking there is a second thing is a sign of revolutionary tendencies, the Basij will be around to beat you shortly. See The West, Iran can do things within its own legal system in a fair and open way...provided you ignore quite a lot.

It's also nice to see that the GC has said that Mir Hossein Mousavi offered up some "positive" solutions for a "rebuilt public trust". Let me guess, those "solutions" involve the security forces getting to beat and arrest anyone in groups larger than 3 and also involves Mousavi's public show trial and imprisonment. Those would be helpful ideas. I was worried this thing was going to spiral out of control.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.5

The recount is (almost) complete; Franken camp claims four-vote lead
As the Minnesota recount crawls mercifully to a close and primes for the circus sideshow that is the challenge process, Al Franken is claiming a 4 vote lead. No one else is though, soooo yeah. The key metric Franken is using is that he is counting all the challenged ballots by their ruling recounters made before the ballot was challenged and is assuming that those will be upheld by the canvassing board. Norm Coleman on the other hand, picked a random number out of a hat a claimed he lead by that number. Good news for Nate Silver, it doesn't look like Franken will win by 27 and I won't have to burn him as a witch. Matt Taibbi has a nice little article on the recount as well.

Analyst: Use Lasers on Pirates (and Everyone Else)
James Jay Carafano, PhD and homeland security analyst has a solution for the pirate problem: shoot the shit out of them with lasers. If shooting lasers at pirates (which was probably the childhood fantasy of 75% of boys) doesn't put the juice in your shorts he also wants to shoot lasers at Russia and Hezbollah. And sharks and bigfoots and sharkfoots. Shoot lasers at everything. Laser based defense. We need to listen to this man, we need to develop the necessary technology, and then we need to use it to shoot pirates.

Obama: "I Can't Grow Facial Hair"
Any hopes you had of P-E Obama growing some sort of Castro-esque beard, or perhaps going for a sartorial scholar look like Cornell West, or perhaps the hipster-indie follicles of Kyp Malone are going to see those hopes dashed on the rocks of despair. See, Obama says he can't grow a beard, not even a saucy mustache. Unless he changes this policy, Benjamin Harrison in 1888 will have been the last US President with a ballin' chin warmer. No bearded man has run since 1916, no mustacioed man since 1948.

Robbers in drag steal $100M in jewel heist
Four robbers, fully armed with weapons yet also disguised as women, jacked Harry Winston for €80 million (U.S. $101 million) in under 15 minutes. You had the fully automatic weapons and you still went with cross dressing for a 15 minute heist? Doesn't really sound like the cross dressing was too integral to the heist. There were no barons to be charmed, critical information need to be gleaned from a randy guard, and no sexytime shenanigans, it was a simple smash and grab. Someone just wanted to dress like a pretty lady.

Mexico Under Siege: The drug war at our doorstep.
Probably the biggest story you haven't heard about. If you want to read up on the massive Mexican drug war, the LA Times has a phenomenal series covering it. Essentially the President declared war on the cartels, the cartels declared war back, and it's like the heist scene from Heat 24/7. Bodies dumped at schools, gun battles, kidnapping, brutal killing and torture, gun fights in hospitals, pretty much open street warfare between rival gangs and battles with the cops and Feds. Nearly 7,000 drug-war related deaths since last year, and it's all taking place in Baja California and Chihuahua, sometimes spilling over the border. Both completely horrifying and worth your time.

Chuck Todd shits on McCain's dreams

That must sound good for McCain supporters: "McCain has no ground game". That's really going to make things difficult when you need to cut margins in states you should be winning while competing with a couple hundred million dollars worth of the best ground game and turnout machine in modern politics.

Repeat it with me Dontfuckitupbarry, Dontfuckitupbarry, Dontfuckitupbarry, Dontfuckitupbarry.

P.S.A.

For those of you at the wedding that didn't understand what in God's name some of us were incessantly referencing. Posting will resume when the room stops spinning.