Immediate failure

You may or may not have noticed two things yesterday. One: you still didn't have a job. Two: Congress still wasn't doing anything to make it more likely that you could potentially find the job.

Well, you're probably used to the first one by now. You come to terms with it daily down at the bar as you beg for spare change from college kids and more successful panhandlers to "Help a poor man out" and buy you a shot or two or twelve of Vladimir. You might be a little more surprised at the second one. Not that surprised, this is the US government we're talking about after all, but our elected betters have been talking a good game recently about getting something done and in a fit of despair and cheap Russian vodka you might have been inebriated enough to place hope in these vague promises.

Well after having their initial attempts at getting a bill passed derailed by snow, they finally hunkered down to hammer out and pass a jobs bill... for a good, hard 15 minutes or so.

This afternoon, Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus announced he'd reached accord with ranking member Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA). They unveiled what was supposed to be a final jobs package.

Oh goodie, they did such a bang up job with the health care bill I'm so glad they were able to get their hands on a jobs bill. I think you see where this is going.

But the agreement didn't sit well with many Democrats, and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has pulled it out of their hands, and announced he'd move ahead with a smaller bill.
...
Liberal Democrats were not pleased with the Baucus-Grassley compromise. Among other things, Baucus and Grassley said that jobs could only move forward if the Senate agreed to take up a bipartisan "reform" (a.k.a. slashing) of the estate tax.

Yep, certainly the critical pillar of getting Americans back to work and encouraging businesses to hire again is providing a massive tax break to multi-millionaires so that when they die they can leave those millions to their rich kids without Uncle Sam wetting his star-spangled beak. I'm glad someone in Congress valiantly stood up to fight for this trenchant economic theory that so many respected economists have claimed is the major reason unemployment is hovering around 10%. I mean why can't Paris Hilton collect as much as she's entitled to? Those extra millions could add a few more jobs in the economical ravaged small dog handler sector.

But good on the Democrats for showing that it is possible for them to learn. Sure they did the same old thing they always do: listen to Lucy say she's gonna let them kick the football, line up and then start running full bore at the football. But this time, perhaps due to the help of a beagle or chattering yellow bird, they realized on the run-up that pain and suffering was imminent and pulled up. Maybe there's hope for them yet.

Drink up!

Because the health care fight is sometimes too depressing and infuriating to discuss, we here at These Bastards will move on to a lighter hearted subject that might bring a little smile to your face: you're drinking poison and you are going to DIE DIE DIE DIEDIEDIEDIE!!!! And it's legal. Further compounding the bad news, the problem spawned a thousand page and million word New York Times article. That's how much poison is in the glass of water that you aren't drinking because the office installed a Coke machine down the hall. If you weren't drinking so much high fructose corn syrup to shock your brain through another groggy morning, you'd probably be dead already.

The 35-year-old federal law regulating tap water is so out of date that the water Americans drink can pose what scientists say are serious health risks — and still be legal.

Only 91 contaminants are regulated by the Safe Drinking Water Act, yet more than 60,000 chemicals are used within the United States, according to Environmental Protection Agency estimates. Government and independent scientists have scrutinized thousands of those chemicals in recent decades, and identified hundreds associated with a risk of cancer and other diseases at small concentrations in drinking water, according to an analysis of government records by The New York Times.

But not one chemical has been added to the list of those regulated by the Safe Drinking Water Act since 2000.

Other recent studies have found that even some chemicals regulated by that law pose risks at much smaller concentrations than previously known.

Yup, since 2004 over 64 million Americans have been exposed to water that did not meet "at least one commonly used government health guideline intended to help protect people from cancer or serious disease." Right now there is probably a tumor the size of Hervé Villechaize on your spine. I know this is largely a problem that hasn't been dealt with since 1974, but what do the phrases "no chemicals added to the Safe Drinking Water Act since 2000" and "increased cancer dangers for Americans since 2004" have in common? Our good friends in the Bush Administration. I think I know what they'd say: "The water meets the legal requirements and adding chemicals to the list would just have caused undue strain on the business community. Besides, it's not like our water is 'Yamuna River, New Dehli' bad."

And our drinking water isn't "New Delhi bad", but we might only have to wait a few years for that. On the bright side, some public health officials, like Dr. Pankaj Parekh of Los Angeles, who recognize the shortcomings of the laws and are trying to go above and beyond their duty to protect people from poison induced cancers are being thwarted... by the people they're trying to protect. I guess it is a fundamental American right to poison ourselves.

Don't worry, even though action on this is about a decade or two overdue, I'm sure our elected betters will get right on it and pass a law to fix things. I mean after all, this is something that both affects public health and the environment, so they'll probably get right on it. I mean if our government does handle two things competently it's major legislation on health care and the environment.

I think I'll go cry now.

Broken In Brief: Nice Guy Rallies, Finishes 4th

CINCINNATI--In a stunning challenge to the maddeningly true maxim, local advertising copy writer, avid jogger, and all-around nice guy Timothy Shearer, 27, staged a late-evening rally to finish 4th in a field of six.

Shearer, who was competing against five other suitors for the affections of 25 year-old Caitlyn McBree, clinched his place in the standings by offering to call a cab for suitors 5 and 6, who had passed out in each others' vomit just before the final standings were released. He then proceeded to sit with them until the cab arrived, giving his cell phone number to the cab driver and telling the man to call him when the two arrived home safely.

Finishing in 1st was reigning champion Tyson "Ty" Warner, a junior account analyst at Fauston-Wilkes, Cincinnati's lead investment firm. This marks the seventh consecutive Saturday that Wilkes, a graduate of Princeton University, amateur kickboxer, and semi-professional douchebag, has left the bar accompanied by Ms. McBree.

Second and third place went to the Umberger twins, German gymnasts who were visiting family for the weekend. The square-jawed, musclebound duo produced a strong showing despite knowing only a few phrases of English, one of which, courtesy of Mr. Warner, was "fuckfistastic pussy fart."

When asked to comment on his 4th place rally, Shearer only noted that he was "happy to be there" and, over the snickering of onlookers, that he hoped Ms. McBree would come to respect his efforts and consent to talk to him next week. He then left to do charity work mentoring inner-city youths, cheerfully oblivious to the fact that Warner had charged his entire bar tab on Shearer's credit card.

Broken News: McMahon to vie for seat at God's right hand

SILVER CITY--In a stunning turn of events, sources close to the Most High have revealed that freshly dead celebrity Ed McMahon has been tapped to replace Jesus at the right hand of God. Those familiar with the whims and wishes of The Creator said His chief Seraph opened negotiations with McMahon's representatives almost immediately after the affable "Tonight Show" sidekick had completed his exit interview with Saint Peter.

Experts predict the former late night mainstay, game show host and face of the Publisher's Clearinghouse sweepstakes will land something in the neighborhood of a ten-century, 500-virgin deal, not including an expected record-breaking signing bonus.

The move is expected to bolster flagging ratings and decreased interest in an omnipotent being humanity used to fear and revere, but now sees as stodgy and behind the times. Those working behind the scenes hope the addition of a noted showbiz professional will revive abject terror interest in God that recent polling suggests has flagged due to Jesus being viewed as an "unnervingly morbid" member of the undead.

When asked to explain such a sudden change in policy, Ethereal Plane insiders hinted at a widening rift between The Almighty and His son, Jesus Haploid Christ, who has retained the RHoG spot for nearly 2,000 consecutive years. This spat is apparently rooted, among other things, in last summer's botched attempt to replace The Holy Ghost, after which the relationship grew cold.

Asked how one recently deceased media whore could possibly challenge the Throne, a winged pundit said, on condition of anonymity, "Change is good. And everyone loves an overweight, money-hungry drunk with a nose redder than Rudolph's. For the first time since Jerry Garcia died, we are dealing with a prospect who is actually capable of challenging Big J on a chemical level. And this is a guy with wine for blood."

He then clarified, "Jesus, I mean. Not sure about Eddie. I think what runs in his veins closer to a mixture of absinthe and jet fuel."

"Listen, have you taken a look at Earth recently? The Big Guy is clearly a fan of the sauce." Said another creature of light with intimate knowledge of the proceedings. "Shit, Dean Martin or Robert Mitchum would've had this seat back in the mid-nineties if they hadn't both told God to piss off and gone back to drinking bourbon out of Cleopatra's bra and starting bar fights with Gary Cooper."

Those close to the Son of God say that far from being angered over this decision, he welcomes the change. Several apostles have noted that the constant strain of working so closely with one's father, as well as long-festering tension over God not mentioning the whole Crucifixion thing until the day before it happened. Sources also point to stylistic personality clashes stemming from Jesus' more serious, brooding demeanor.

"They're just two different people, you know, when they aren't unified together in the Trinity as one being," said former apostle, author, and drinking buddy of Jesus', Mark.

"God has more of a Borscht Belt/Catskills/Henny Youngman kind of vibe, whereas Diamond J is more of a political thinker and populist/humanist. God would be cracking jokes about airplane food and Jesus would be raging over social injustice. And moneylenders, always had something to say about the moneylenders. Maybe God told him to 'Get off the cross' one too many times. McMahon knows how to sit there, not flinch, and laugh at a bad joke. He's perfect."

"God's sense of humor isn't for everybody," Mark finished, noting the platypus, the placement of Israel within the Middle East, the works of Tyler Perry, turning people into pillars of salt, and the Trail of Tears as prime examples.

Supposedly, the plan is for McMahon, pending a final interview with God, to take over in July, with Jesus moving down to a less-stressful, part-time slot. Should this changeover not prove successful, there are those who have intimated that the Holy Host was willing to give Jimmy Fallon or Conan O'Brien cancer in order to attract a younger demographic.

Recent arrival George Carlin, who was celebrating his one-year anniversary of still refusing to believe any of this fucking bullshit sun worship, shook his head and went back to writing.

Quote of the day

Lou Dobbs, with his xenophobic fears of the oppression of St. Patrick's day on people without any cultural background.

Yesterday on his radio show, anti-immigrant crusader Lou Dobbs attacked St. Patrick’s day as a needless “ethnic holiday.” “How about an American day,” he proposed. He also wondered whether other groups, like Jews or Asians, had “ethnic holidays,” but he couldn’t think of any:

Is there a Jewish ethnic holiday? Is there one? No. Okay. … How about an Asian ethnic holiday? Is there one? You know, St. Jing-Tao-Wow?

Nice. Did you have St. Ching-Chong-Chang all ready to go, but decided it was a little too racist? Still though, as Think Progress points out, other than Independence Day, Presidents’ Day, Martin Luther King Day, Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Veterans Day and Memorial Day, there is no day to celebrate America. That's before you even remove MLK day as too black, Columbus day as too Italian, and Thanksgiving as too respectful of British immigrants and Indians. It's as if America has been forgotten.

On behalf of Sean and I, both born of shiftless potato farming stock, we would just like to apologize for our cultural heritage giving this country an excuse to get blackout drunk over the weekend and possibly again in the middle of the week. We're sorry we turned a guy eradicating snakes from Ireland into one long booze parade and created the greatest holiday ever. We won't do it again. Lou can replace it with St. America day next year. I thought Lou would have liked St. Patty's, it's religious and involves drunkenly telling Protestants to stick it. I guess too many laypeople confuse the green with 'Irish colors' instead of 'Catholic colors' for Lou to take much enjoyment.

Yub Nub

Happy 75 years of common sense, America. Now, about that drug war...

Palin on debate night

"Shit, he said 'my friends' again. Everyone do a shot."

"Do we have to drink every time he toddles aimlessly across the stage for no discernible reason?"

"You betcha!"

"Fuck me, this is going to be a rough night. Why'd I wear this necklace of random circles?"

"Who knows. I'm watching the debate in public, wearing an East Carolina track suit. I think it was one of the 10 colleges I went to. Do you think Joe Biden ever takes off his suit or would appear in public dressed like a working class Jersey dockworker?"

"No."

"Fuck. Oh, he made a vaguely homoerotic David Petraeus mention, two shots of navy rum and finish your beer."

Ron Wood decided to sober up after 40 years

Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood enters rehab

Good for him that he's decided to sober up, but that's not why I posted this. I did that to point out two things the news release reports.

1.) Ron Wood is currently cheating on his wife with a woman who wasn't even born when they got married.

2.) Keith Richards (patron saint of sobriety) tried to get Wood into rehab before by....... wielding knives and waving guns in his face as he screamed utter jibberish Keith-ese into his face about rehab, drugs, Johnny Depp and falling out of coconut trees.

I don't care how many decades ago Beggar's Banquet was, I want to be in the Rolling Stones now.

Breaking: Modern Conservative encourages alcoholism

Have a drink, I suspect.

(Note: Image stolen in the night from Modern Conservative and posted here without permission.)