Broken In Brief: Roethlisberger Reveals Left-Handedness

PITTSBURGH--After another dismal performance by Ben Roethlisberger in a loss to the Indianapolis Colts yesterday, the Pittsburgh Steelers revealed that their franchise quarterback is, in fact, left-handed. Why Roethlisberger had spent his entire high school, collegiate, and professional career throwing right-handed was not readily apparent, although sources close to the team pointed to an unhealthy blend of competitiveness and stupidity.

Head Coach and Omar Epps stunt double, Mike Tomlin, was quick to defend his quarterback. "Ben is a consummate pro. He doesn't back down from challenges. I think that he believed he could play through this and lead his team to victory." When it was suggested that Roethlisberger's unorthodox approach might have been responsible for his having thrown eight interceptions and only one touchdown in the past three games (two of them losses), Tomlin refused to comment.

Some suggest that frequent debilitating hits resulting from a comically inept offensive line have caused what doctors refer to as "brain switch," basically a flipping of the dominant hand. It has been suggested that the Steelers should continue to start Roethlisberger until an inevitable crippling blindside sack reverses the process. Others are clamoring for Roethlisberger to be replaced by backup Byron Leftwich based on his second-half performance against the Redskins in week 9, noted for being the first two quarters of competent football Leftwich has played in over two years. These strategic geniuses hope that putting perhaps the least mobile quarterback in the NFL behind the league's worst offensive will result in a gruesome dismemberment that will shock Roethlisberger back into coherence.

At press time, the Steelers were in the process of flipping all their plays over to compensate for the left-handedness.