Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.14

Why Obama Looks Like a One Termer
I know what you're saying, "Obama isn't even in office yet, how could he have already lost in 2012?" But this guy has peered into his wank-o-globe to see the future and decreed that Barack Obama will be a one term President because of the sheer shittiness of the country that Bush left him. Plus all his socialism will fail and then it devolves into Reagan tongue bathing. I think it's clear though: abandon all Hope, game over man, game over. Things are fucked, you've lost the future, why try? Horde your canned goods and start sharpening anything with a point.

Goldman forecasting biggest rise in joblessness since WWII
Good news everyone! Unemployment is going to rise to 8.5% and then go even higher in 2010, the highest rise in unemployment since we gave that rascal Hitler a right kick in the pantaloons. So says Goldman Sachs and they should know, they made $4 billion shorting mortgage securities by betting on the total collapse of the subprime mortgage market. Although they also thought oil was going to hit $200 a barrel. They were wrong about that and they need to apologize to me and the children in the schoolbus I rammed off the road in a Road Warrior related hallucination where I was convinced they were hording tanks of petrol inside and I was the Lord Humongous. Most of those children aren't going to walk again Goldman Sachs, how about a little compassion? So we're either going to all be unemployed or they've massively overshot a prediction again.

Idaho students chant 'assassinate Obama' on school bus
"I believe the Mormon children are our are future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside." You stay classy Mormons. Take note GLBT community, these little angels are going to be the ones trying to deny you rights in 2016.

Dear Sarah Palin, Please Shut Up Already
A petition for Sarah Palin to shut up and go away. Back to Alaska to steal money with Ted Stevens and stop Putin from crawling across the border with a knife in his teeth. Apparently these petitioners don't like all the easy comedy, Gervais/David levels of uncomfortable hilarity, and her complete inability to answer simple equations or construct her sentences the way we humans do: logically and with an attempt to sound coherent.

The YouTube Presidency
President Obama is going to put his radio addresses and 'fireside chats' on the YouTubes to sit alongside Ronald Jenkees, beer pong trick shots, and that guy who does that dance in different parts of the world. I can't wait to see the comment section on those posts Barack, given that the general YouTube comment section runs the gamut from "sub-literate misogynist" all the way to "sub-literate racist". Though at least the video responses and terrible re-enactments will provide us with entertainment as we eat grass and dirt in the dystopian future.