Friday, November 21, 2008

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.21

Hillary Clinton Wins Most Write-In Votes
The Florida write in votes have been tallied and the results are in. Hillary Clinton destroyed the field and is the write in President of Florida. She got 234, with Ron Paul being allowed to have 174 after a conspiracy scrubbed the other million votes. Shamefully Jesus only got 23, his grassroots campaign failing to take hold, and God showed up with an embarrassing 6, barely more than Al Gore. Moot in any event, because writing in God counts as a Republican vote.

EPA Moves to Ease Air Rules for Parks
Last time you went to a national park, didn't you think it needed a coal power plant right on the outskirts? I did, and thank our six vote God, so did the Bush administration. They want to allow heavy polluting concerns to be built by National Parks and weaken air quality restrictions for those parks over the objections of 9 of the 10 regional EPA enviroministers. The Bush Administration in turn laughed, ate a handful of coal, and called their concerns parochial. Fear not, the National Parks Conservation Association plans to file a petition of reconsideration within the EPA, which should allow Obama to overturn it. Or smog just becomes a feature of Yellowstone.

I can has cheezburger ... and pathos?
Salon's Jay Dixit decided to write up an entire article on the Lol-something phenomenon. Not on it, or how it came to be, but on the emotional response she has to the kitties and puppies who have lolspeak pasted over them. The pathos angle. Lolcats as tragic figures of grief and sadness. Way to suck the fun out of something, stay the fuck away from Fuck Yeah Sharks.

Attorney General Michael Mukasey Collapses
Tragedy yesterday as Mukasey reflected on his time as Attorney General, all the things he OK's, the subpoenas he ignored, all the toadying he did, all the laws he allowed to be flagrantly violated, and his Gonzales level of respect for the Justice Department, he suddenly was overcome by intense feelings of guilt, shame, horror, and the realization that he is a scumbag. He promptly collapsed as the weight of his actions dawned on him. Take heart, he's OK and that momentary attack of conscious in behind him, and he's back to work making sure that not one day goes by without the Bush DOJ being horribly politicized.

'Interplanetary internet' passes first test
Finally our dream is here: broadband porn on Mars. Those geniuses at NASA have done it: the space internet! The aim is to allow them to relay information without having to schedule it first and streamline the data process. Already the system is encrypted as to protect our astronauts and Mars landers from space hackers.

Were Neanderthals stoned to death by modern humans?
Want to know why there are no more Neanderthals? We stoned them to death with huge rocks, possibly because they were witches. Aerial rock bombardment was our weapon against our genetically inferior brothers. There is also the hint of a great human/Neanderthal war. Which we totally won with our rocks and spears. Eat it Neanderthals, humans won and promptly forgot about you and how we defeated you. I bet that stings, doesn't it?

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