Broken In Brief: Somali Pirates inadvertently seize Dane Cook

XARARDHEERE, SOMALIA--Somali pirates, who have garnered international attention lately after capturing several commercial vessels, made headlines again today after accidentally seizing comedian Dane Cook, who was on break following the filming of My Best Friend's Girl 2 starring Gallagher, Jason Biggs, Jessica Alba, and Eugene Levy.

Using several speedboats, automatic weapons, rocket-propelled grenades, and a shoebox with "originality + relevance" written on the side, the pirates gained control of the inexplicably successful American comic approximately 200 kilometers due east of Somalia's capital, Mogadishu. Sounding slightly surprised and rather disgusted with his booty, pirate leader Abdi Silan issued a statement demanding "fifty euro and a carton of Camels" in exchange for the release of, "um... America's most treasured funnyman." Further threatening "America will pay us the cigarettes or it will never get a chance to see a Good Luck Chuck prequel."

At this writing, both the Indian and American navies had committed resources to encircling the captured comedian, with the former assigning two pontoon boats and the latter an inflatable carnival bouncy thing that, according to Rear Admiral David Folton, "looks kind of like a boat from far away and upside down." Folton added, "We cannot let these Somali pirates take control of America's only source of manic, bland observational humor on the stuff people in their late twenties and early thirties watched as kids. America will not lose it's stockpile Thundercats references and stolen Louis CK material."