Broken In Brief: Rays fans still unsure of how best to mourn

TAMPA BAY--The shock and sadness typical of a playoff series loss have rapidly degraded into confusion, as fans of the newly successful Tamp Bay Rays baseball team have found themselves unsure of how to react to last week's defeat at the hands of the Philadelphia Phillies.

"We are completely at a loss here," said funeral home owner Brad Meyer, chairman of the Rays' fan club since its inception in mid September of this year. "I'm from Boston originally and I remember everyone going apeshit when the Sox folded like a bar napkin all those times. Half o' my childhood sports memories involve shattered storefront windows and grown men being beaten with their own shoes. But down here? It's like everyone knows they should be sad, but really aren't."

Indeed, American sports history is littered with examples of what some might call healthy emotional release -- inciting riots, damaging municipal property and assaulting police officers -- but these incidents tend to take place in cities with long-standing affiliations and multiple generations of fans. The city of Tampa Bay, however, has seemed listless since its Rays were defeated in the first World Series, content to go back to doing what Floridians do best: contracting skin diseases and getting fatter.

At press time, the city of Philadelphia could not be contacted, as it was too busy drinking its ass off, getting laid, and gathering batteries for the next Eagles and/or Flyers game.