Broken News: Gore, lonely, warns of Martians

NASHVILLE—With the environmental crisis knocked from the headlines by discussion of the impending world financial meltdown and a fading public profile which has given him an increased amount of isolation from the masses, aides close to former President-Elect Al Gore say he is becoming increasingly detached and isolated from human contact. In a desperate attempt to regain some measure attention and adulation, the lonely figure has taken to warning anyone who will listen about the impending threat of Martian invasion.

“He just doesn’t have anything to do, the poor guy,” remarked friend and 2000 recount lawyer David Boies. “He’s already convinced everyone to address the worldwide environmental threat, but now there’s no money or political will to do it. It’s all 'economy' this, 'bailout' that, 'horrific financial apocalypse' the other. The movie came out, he got his Oscar, he did his speaking tour, and he got his Nobel, now what? People already understand; he can’t make them care more. They’re tuning him out.”

Staring wistfully at a copy of Earth in the Balance, Boies continued, tears welling up in his eyes. “He even took to wearing the Oscar and Nobel Prize on a chain around his neck just to get people to notice him and take an interest again. Then he welded the both of them to one of those large metal staffs and started ‘knighting’ people to go forth and carry out his environmental works. That didn’t work either; people are too concerned with their 401k and didn’t find his Enviro-Pope costume convincing enough. Now…*sigh*…he just won’t stop about the Martian thing.”

Causing further disillusionment in the environmental cause is all the other celebrities that have rushed into the void, promoting their own Earth causes and climate change ideas, stealing Mr. Gore’s thunder. Chief among them is Leonardo DiCaprio, for whom the Vice-President shares no small level of enmity. After seeing DiCaprio's Vanity Fair "Green Issue" cover shoot and 11th Hour environmental film, Mr. Gore has reportedly taken to sending anonymous threats to the actor's house.

Staffers have also reported evidence of a secret room in the attic where Mr. Gore retires, often for hours, to cry. One aide who saw the room, under the condition of anonymity, remarked upon the presence of a What’s Eating Gilbert Grape poster that had been defecated on and what could only be described as dozens of smashed fair trade gin bottles and soy ink pentagrams painted on the floor.

“Sure the fact that environmental issues are no longer his sole domain is dispiriting to him,” mused former Senate legislative assistant Nathan Handsmith. “We all remember when AOL and CompuServe started up and he vowed never to use the internet again. We all remember the ensuing week of indecipherable Morse code telegraphs we had to communicate with. But I think it’s just the diminished sense of importance. Remember after 2004 when the movie came out and he won the Nobel? He was everywhere. In '07 Democrats were begging him to run for President again, and this was with Hillary and Obama already in the race.”

“Now?” A weary Handsmith continued. “He’s been forgotten, and he thinks warning about some newer bigger threat is going to get him back in the limelight again. That HBO Recount movie didn’t help either. Brought back a lot of bad memories. We almost had him devolve back into the crazy bearded mountain man phase from 2001 where he wouldn’t shave and all he would eat was huckleberry pie and drink moonshine. We thought we had dodged the bullet, but he’s just gone a touch manic as of late.”

This Martian Panic features many of the classic Gore-isms that have previously enthralled tens of millions. For example, the overarching threats of global calamity now include Martian Horror Cruisers filled with little green dimensional wizards capable of bending light to their will. Gore's indecipherable science often involves conceits such as Einstein-Rosen bridges, teleportation, and bowel disrupting frequencies. In the role of a unified global solution we hear an impassioned plea for a moon base, portal disruptors, and Earth’s own carrier-class Battle Cruiser, dubbed the Battlestar Gorelactica.

Gore is reportedly also hoping to release another film, but insiders say that so far his ‘film’ consists of poorly spliced footage from copies of Close Encounters of the Third Kind and Independence Day he apparently downloaded off the internet. They even say he’s convinced himself that the international community is going to have to create an award more prestigious than the Nobel just so they can give it to him.

There have even been police reports of a bleary eyed Gore wandering the hills outside Nashville in a bathrobe, boxer shorts, and fuzzy polar bear slippers, carrying around star charts and a toy Millennium Falcon, accosting anyone he runs across with tales of the Martians. While no official reports have been filed the tolerance of both Gore's staff and the local police department for his eccentricities is rapidly waning.

“Truthfully, if Obama wins, he’s gonna need to give Al a special team over at NASA,” observed Boies. “Nothing big, just a room, some trained medical professionals, a few bottles of gin, and a copy of The Departed. Let him stew and rage for a few weeks. Smash some bottles, get fucked up, and work up a good froth over Leo. Let Al work some shit out. He’ll either move on to something else, or hell, he just might find a way to convince us this entire Martian sortie is true. But this shit needs to end...and soon.”