Broken News: German recession has Europe fearing a backslide into old behavior

BERLIN—With the German Federal Statistics Office this week revealing a GDP drop of 0.5% this quarter on top of a 0.4% decline in the previous quarter, Germany officially entered into a recession some are predicting will last well into next year.

It is this prospect that has thrown Europe into a state of heightened alert. Not over economic fears, but over the possibility that Germany might relapse, fall back into old habits, and start running with the same old bad crowd again.

“I think we all know what happens when Germany goes into a recession and falls off the wagon,” observed therapist, licensed loveologist, and intervention coordinator Gustavo Romero. “Afterwards we’re piling up big chunks of rubble next to small chunks of rubble, scratching out a whole generation of youth, and affixing large roman numerals to the end of events."

Romero continued, "The important thing is that Germany knows we're here for them in this tough time. Make sure it doesn’t get worse. Make sure they know we’re not going to enable them like that last two times. To remind them of all the progress they made and how every little half a percent drop in GDP doesn’t have to result in them throwing on brown shirts with the Italians in tow and roughing up France for a few Euros to get that next militaristic hit.”

All the warning signs are there. At the last G-8 summit conference in Hokkaido this year Germany was seen hanging around at the back of the ballroom with Italy, smoking cigarettes, cackling loudly, and pointing at France. The two had to be separated when Germany walked over, grabbed a cheese blintz off of the France’s plate, yelled “Mine!" then took a bite and spat it on the floor. That this behavior was exhibited after only one quarter of GDP regression makes it all the more troubling to Europe, Northern Africa, and Russia.

Taking the G-8 summit blintz incident as a warning sign, French President Nicholas Sarkozy has begun reconstruction of its laughably ineffective World War II-era rampart, the Maginot Line. However, instead of concrete walls, machine gun nests, and the French Army, Sarkozy has mobilized the country's disaffected, jobless, rioting French youth from the ghettos and armed them with rocks, unused Bush effigies, and extra-flammable Citroen 2CV’s. Already the Alsace-Lorraine region has been evacuated and is now overrun with Belgian looters.

Poland has even taken steps to bolster its own military to prevent a repeat takeover bid from relapsed Germany. The military has sealed the screen doors on all submarines and installed glass bottoms on the ships of their new Navy, so they’re better able to see the old Polish Navy. Additionally, elite Polish minesweepers have trained a new crop in their time-honored technique of sticking their fingers in their ears and stomping as well as backing up while waving the mine detector in front. They believe they’ve been able to learn from the last war, as all personnel have standing orders not to suspect an invading army of retreating simply because its soldiers are walking in backwards.

Still, some find hope in the fact that a worldwide credit market meltdown could prevent a Germany in recession from funding a massive military build-up.

“My fear is that Germany will get those familiar inklings again and not be able to satisfy them through the international finance system,” warned military analyst Adam Paymer. “They might just bolt from the world community and go hide out in the black market arms bazaars, offering to suck anything waved in front of them in exchange for a TOW missile or an M1A1 Abrams tank. Maybe even start doing countries two-at-a-time for a stick with a pointed edge. Anything to get a fix. I even heard Austria found Wagner CDs in Germany’s room. That’s not a good sign.”

Right now the plan is for the G-20 nations, along with Mr. Romero, to organize an intervention for Germany. Therein they hope to explain their fears, their pain, how Germany has hurt them in the past, and how they don’t want to be hurt by Germany in the future. They hope to then enter Germany into some preventative rehab far away from Italy, Wagner, the Nietzsche books, and all forms of spiked helmets and Neolithic Sanskrit/Hindu luck symbols.