Broken News: Markets rally on strength of machetes, ammunition, stolen MREs

NEW YORK--After a week that saw the Dow Jones Industrial Average buck before eventually settling well below the 9,000 mark, the index staged a massive rally today on the strength of rudimentary survivalist items.

The surge was led early on by bottled water, Spam, and cloth bandage futures, both of which saw their strongest gains since the Cold War era, with rifle ammunition lagging just barely behind. Late trading rode a wave of climbing penicillin, Kevlar, and hatchet prices to a stellar close of 9,565.78, well above analyst projections.

"We honestly didn't see this coming," explained trader Rhett Goldberg, apparently oblivious to the larger economic issues hinted at by this rally. "Most of us were paying attention to General Motors or the banks. Apparently we should have just trusted in capitalism and flowed with the market. It turns out capitalism is never wrong and we're finally seeing proper, conventional adjustments to our new economic reality. From now on I'm focusing on portable generators, bindle-sized handkerchiefs, hobo-grade tins of beans, and chunks of flint. I'll make bonus next year, baby!"

Analysts have been quick to embrace this bear market phenomenon, dumping billions into the survivalist industry practically overnight. Even the recently moribund print media markets are seeing upswings, as the impending need for flammable material to keep warm through winter is causing a rally in anything with a high pulp content.

Few are as elated as Phineas Frank, manager at cottage investment firm, Frank and Berry. "With all the recent market volatility and lousy consumer spending data, it seemed only rational to look into blade sharpeners and water purification tablets. Frankly, and this is just between you and me, I think whoever corners the night vision goggles and crossbow markets is going to be poised to rule. I don't mean that metaphorically. How will you protect your family after the bullets run out and your eyesight is poor because you're vitamin A deficient from a lack of milk, carrots, and generally nutrient-rich food." Frank and Berry, which also has large stakes in the crude gas siphoning and baseball-bat-with-nails-in-it markets, is one of the few firms slated to post substantial profits at year's end.

Clearly, not all investment news is so sunny, as many investment funds have operated to this point as though the American and International economic systems are not, in fact, on the verge of total collapse. Frank attributed this to a near-universal lack of foresight and "the undercurrent of baseless optimism that seems to permeate American investment circles."

Given these late-breaking developments, investors are scrambling to identify new markets to target. Initial indications are that jeep mounted harpoon, studded leather apparel, gyrocopter, and Geiger counter-based securities will soon see renewed interest. In the service sector, analysts predict a dramatic rise in the metal-smithing, CHUD repellent, subterranean construction, mercenary, and black-market markets.

Investors were also seen bailing out of the paper money markets, choosing instead to invest in metals, precious jewels, and shiny rocks. "I just don't see much of a future in paper based monies, or really any kind of monetary system based around capital markets and centralized government. I'm dumping it all into gold futures, silver futures, clamshell futures, especially round pebble futures, and chicken futures," observed industry analyst Dmitri Arshavin. "People don't really think of animals as money anymore, but think of the trade value of eggs! One futures market I'm staying away from is the future futures market. That's a dead zone. No one's really too bullish on the future right now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go run the numbers on concrete barriers and concertina wire."

In a joint statement released by the White House, Federal Reserve and Treasury Department, the three leaders of these institutions hailed today's advances as "...proof that the fundamentals of capitalism are strong and can withstand anything." Furthermore they also stated that when society is rebuilt in the future, either by a new race or by a loose confederation of human tribes, that they hope this future society will entrust their financial growth and economic stability to the very principles that are being shown by the market today.