Broken News: McCain in alien kidnapping conspiracy

MOUNT HOOD—Rescue workers were called to extinguish a fire resulting from a mysterious explosion yesterday morning at the base of Mount Hood. Upon arriving, they discovered the flaming wreckage of an extraterrestrial craft roughly the size of a large house. More shocking was discovery, roughly half a kilometer away, of a disoriented John McCain, naked and covered in a bluish translucent goo.

Sgt. Richard Pomeday of the National Forestry Service revealed some of the details at a hastily assembled press conference this morning. “We would like to confirm media speculation that Senator McCain was found near the remnants of the spacecraft, stark naked and very confused. After attempting to fight off some of our firefighters with a pointed stick, he was subdued, tranquilized, and taken to a makeshift hospital on the outskirts of the crash site. Upon further inspection of the craft, we found a broken holding tank with the same blue goo in which the Senator was covered. Over the tank there was a placard that simply said ‘McCain: Earth Senator’. We believe they had kidnapped him and were holding him hostage. We have found no evidence of alien bodies or other kidnapped dignitaries.”

Pomeday continued,”When the Senator awoke an hour later in the medical tent he seemed to be in better spirits. We administered some basic neural reasoning and spatial tests as well as concussion tests, all of which he passed. However, Senator McCain does seem to be operating under the assumption that it is currently early 2007. We can only conclude that the aliens kidnapped him back then and the current McCain is an impostor of some sort. We have yet to inform him of the true date or the results of last week’s election and would advise you all to take similar steps to ensure your own safety.”

For all the immediate shockwaves this sent through the worlds of politics, science, kidnapping, and alien conspiracies, the first priority for the police was tracking down and capturing the rogue impostor McCain. When the authorities descended on the impostor's last known location, his estate in Sedona, they found only the scene of a hasty escape: scattered clothing and canned goods, a trashcan with documents and a computer burning inside it, the maid staff bound and gagged in the guest mansion, and a 2003 KIA hatchback missing from the garage.

“I think the real question here is, why McCain?” asked lead FBI investigator Detective Johan Duckbutter. “If the aliens wanted to covertly control the Presidency why pick McCain? This wasn’t the Republicans year. How could they not know that? Furthermore, how come they ran such a shitty campaign? Do the aliens not understand our system of politics? Do they not possess the capacity for soul-crushing avarice and repeated ethical lapses required to contend for the American human Presidency? Or do they just hate the shit out of John McCain for some unexplainable reason? Was this an elaborate multidimensional space conspiracy to screw over John McCain for shits and giggles? This is totally going to fuck with me next time I’m high.”

Late in the day the FBI had received word that fake McCain had crashed his KIA and four other cars into the back of a Red Roof Inn outside of Flagstaff. When teams surrounded the area and sealed off the Inn, once voted by Flagstaff residents as the 1999 “Cheapest Place to Screw a Mistress”, they heard a gunshot and swarmed into the impostor’s room. Inside they found the body of McCain, a gunshot wound to the head exposing circuitry, gears, and spilling motor oil all over the discount hotel room’s carpet. Later Det. Duckbutter would observe "Shit, it was a perfect copy...down to the reckless driving and multiple crashes. I wonder if the ones that crashed the ship were McCain-bots too?" He then remarked in between hits, “Fucking cyborgs man! I should have seen it coming.”

Late last night, with the OK of the medical and psych evaluation teams, Senator McCain was told of the last year and a half of history he missed, the events of the day, and shown edited video highlights of the Presidential campaign. From our vantage point in the media tent we were able to hear exasperated screams of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”, “A BLACK GUY?”, and “WHO THE FUCK IS SARAH PALIN?” before we were informed by the Forestry Service that the Senator had again been sedated.

“The Senator was rather... upset,” revealed Dr. Anton Ond, one of the doctors on McCain’s medical team. “He took the confirmation of the existence of extra terrestrial life, alien abduction, kidnapping conspiracy, and robot clone stuff in stride. But he just couldn’t fathom how people could believe that he’d so drastically abandon every principle he ever had in the space of a few months and run such a hateful, ham-handed, inept campaign.”

“I believe he said ‘How could people look at the campaign that bot ran and assume anything other than kidnap and alien replacement? At the very least its actions should have raised some concern over the possibility of a brain aneurysm. Look at how often it said ‘my friends’! That’s a glitch people should have picked up on!"

Over the next few months, doctors plan to slowly reintroduce McCain to society. Ond, in particular, is looking to Democratic control of both Congress and the White House as a means of providing Senator McCain an arena in which to act out his fiery rage over having his last shot at the Presidency ruined by aliens.