Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.11

Has Anyone Seen a Stray H-Bomb?
FYI, in 1968 a US B-52 carrying four hydrogen bombs crashed into the water off of Greenland's Thule Air Force Base. Only three of the bombs were recovered. As of now there is one unexploded H-Bomb sitting at the bottom of a frozen bay, unable to be found by us, the Brits, the Danes, or Greenlandianeers. Or so they would have us believe. Perhaps the UK is sitting on a classic, retro, vintage '68 US H-Bomb and wants to show it off to look cool. Maybe there's some mutant whale creature named Bjorn with a taste for haddock that's going to rise from the Baffin Bay to lay siege to the Queen of Denmark in her ice castle in the capital city of Nuuk. Maybe it'll just explode and drop half of Greenland or a giant ice shelf into the sea creating a massive tidal wave that destroys the eastern seaboard. Sleep tight!

Cosmic 'Dark Flow' Detected Across Billions Of Light Years
Some sort of gravitational pull that lies outside the known universe is pulling the known universe towards it at a speed of about 2 million miles per hour. They gave it a creepy name, "the dark flow", and I'm sure it will kill us all with it's unexplainable, outside the universe ghastliness. Perhaps it is God pulling us towards him with a string, perhaps another bully universe is flushing us down a cosmic toilet, maybe it's the gravitational pull of yo fat ass momma. The only question is will CERN kill us before it does?

Fred Phelps Plans to Picket Funeral of Obama's Grandmother
Degenerate piece of shit Fred Phelps (picketer of gays, the military, and Mr. Rogers) and his collection of mouth breathing God-fascists are planning to picket the funeral of President-elect Obama's grandmother. Crafty sorts that they are, they have contingency plans for whatever state the funeral takes place in. Hopefully the Secret Service wails on them with their government issue America batons. Or God causes them to realize the pathetic futility of their lives with a well timed lightning strike. Either or.

A Quiet Windfall For U.S. Banks
Hey, hey, hey, while you weren't looking, fuck while no one was looking, Big Bank Hank Paulson illegally got rid of a law he didn't have the authority to get rid of that saves banks $140 billion by allowing them to set up shady tax shelters. Further more lawmakers weren't aware of this until recently and won't do anything about it because it might monkey with some of the mergers that went on. Did I mention it was totally illegal for Paulson to do this? Thank God he's in charge, otherwise we might not get totally fucked out of every cent in Washington. Could you at least use guns and masks to steal? It's slightly more respectable.