Oh, universe, you shouldn't have!

Really, universe, you've done too much. I was content to spend the birthday I share with this fading republic in a traditional manner: start drinking at 9 am, eggs benedict off a prostitute's stomach around 11:00, incite my first race riot at noon, sharpen machete, urinate on the Ron Paul headquarters down the street from my new apartment, and greet the evening by strolling from rooftop to rooftop, idly chucking sticks of dynamite into the streets while firing an automatic rifle randomly into the air. Because, hey, who's going to notice?

I don't ask for much on my birthday, apart from a good, old-fashioned day of celebration befitting mine and our nation's similar sociopathic tendencies. I am a simple man with simple tastes.

But then you went and gave me this...



Former Republican N.C. Sen. Jesse Helms dead at 86

I'll admit, I'm getting a little weepy here, universe. You're just too much.

And for fun, a few of Sen. Helms' greatest hits.