Broken News: Guy pretty sure ex-girlfriend impressed by renovated Facebook profile

DETROIT, MI – Newly single advertising writer Nate Matheson now justifies getting out of bed each morning by obsessively updating and exaggerating his Facebook profile.

Convinced his former girlfriend, Lisa Stanton, is as interested in his life post-breakup as he is hers, Matheson fleshed out his profile with Ambrose Bierce quotes, vastly expanded "Interests" and "Activities" sections, and an oversized iLike widget crammed with album names he found on the Pitchfork and NME review pages. Matheson has also aggressively courted over 100 new "friends," virtually none of whom he has actually met in person.

"She totally sees every update," claimed Matheson, near tears. "I bet she would have loved the new Portishead record. And I could have recommended it to her and everything. And we could have finally gone hiking together, like she always wanted. But too bad for her."

When implored by friends and family to de-friend Stanton and save some small measure of dignity, Matheson steadfastly refused, claiming, "I want her to know I'm having a great time without her."

Asked what he has been up to since the break-up two months ago, Matheson replied, "Tons, you know? I put all of my pictures of her in a box in the closet and haven't opened it in almost a week. And I deleted all of her voicemails. Oh, and I gathered everything she left at my apartment and dropped it off at her place last Tuesday when I knew she wouldn't be there because she has this pottery class every Tuesday and on the second and fourth Thursday each month."

“She’s doing this method, handworking the clay into a nineteenth century Roseville style. Based on the emails she's been writing her sister, she's really into it.” His mood visibly darkening, Matheson continued, “But this teacher of hers is pushing her into a Winchcombe style on a pottery wheel. That’s not Lisa at all. Maybe I need to have a talk with this teacher and tell him what the goddamn score is. He just doesn’t get it. I do! I understand! I joined the Pottery Heads AND the Raku Art of Earth and Fire groups on Facebook! Doesn’t she know that?”

Matheson's best friend and roommate, Jake DeLong, expressed mild irritation at the mention of Stanton's name. "I never knew what he saw in that cunt. I mean, it was clear as day she was cheating on him the whole time." Staring down at two rocks glasses placed next to a full bottle of Jameson, an impatient DeLong added, "Sure, she's hot, but it's not like she ever had anything really interesting to say. The girl never really even had any friends except for those lamers she got drunk with at work. Guy just needs to sort his head out."

In addition to his newfound affection for social networking, Matheson has signed up for a Pilates course, begun taken German lessons (Stanton was raised bilingual), and now listens almost exclusively to worldbeat swank global groove bands. "I just don't think I paid enough attention the whole time," said Matheson from behind the dumpster outside Stanton's apartment. Peering through a pair of binoculars, he continued, "I should have paid attention to what she liked, you know? Shoes, tapas, US Weekly, horrid music. Maybe if I can convince her that I like all those things too, I could--"

Editor's note: At this point in the interview, Stanton emerged from her apartment, clad in a classic little black cocktail dress, and clearly in a hurry to get somewhere. Apart from the repetition of, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!", attempts at transcribing Matheson's statements yielded nothing useful, as the tape was filled primarily with weeping and the sound of a fist striking a forehead.

Stanton, who has already heard and enjoyed the new Portishead record, could not be reached for comment, as she was spending the week upstate with Tucker Romans, a Princeton-educated investment banker, two-time Olympic gymnast, notorious pussy hound, and heir to the Romans Potted Meat fortune. Romans also recently passed the bar, elected not to enter residency at Temple University Hospital for fear of boredom, and will be running his ninth marathon next month.