Barrypalooza: Requiem

It's all over. Barack Obama has been nominated for the Presidency of the United States, Joe Biden as VP, and Mile High Stadium has seen at least one team that is predicted to win more than it loses. What initially seemed like the lamest outdoor music festival in history was actually a political rally in disguise. Sheryl Crow and will.i.am used to blunt anger over the fact that people had to sit around for five hours listening to Pat Leahy before Barack Obama showed up.

Al Gore gave one of his famous "If I acted like this in 2000 I could have squeezed a few hundred more votes out of Florida" speeches, confounding a bewildered Sean. Tim Kaine tried to lead a call and response chant, looking and sounding like every school principal at a pep rally, trying to get the kids into it for the big game against Rival School High.

Then Obama strode to the stage. He delivered a pretty damn fine speech if I don't say so myself. Listed about thirty policy proposals, his theories on how government should act, his life story, and what was in many ways the harshest attacks on McCain and Bush during the convention. Well, except for John Conyers leading an F-U-C-K-B-U-S-H chant and Claire McCaskill angrily sticking a large hunting knife into a pumpkin with Dick Cheney's face on it. He topped it with some MLK references, fireworks shot off, he hugged one of his daughters but not the other, then walked around arm in arm with Joe Biden grinning like an idiot, before planting one right on the lips of Jill Biden. Oh, Barack was feeling it. Barack threw down the gauntlet, challenged McCain, and defended liberalism and the Democratic party in places where people don't usually do it: the podium of the Democratic convention and on TV.

The media seemed to love it, the speech and staging working well, and Republican response seemed oddly unnerved. Like they just had their pants pulled down and their genitals critiqued for an audience of millions. They'll try to start blunting the speech today with McCain's VP selection, which if early word is accurate happens to be Sarah Palin from Alaska. Good luck trying to look and sound that good John, you'll need it.

Photo from troeth used under creative commons license.

For Charles Babington: how a bill becomes a law

In a bizarre recap of the Obama speech, AP writer Charles Babington took a speech laced with dozens of specific policy proposals and deemed them not specific with his magic AP Stick of Deeming. What he feels is specific is some level of exactness not possible by our elected leaders. Apparently, Chuck wanted Barack Obama to read drafts of legislation that he planned to enter as bills to be voted on by congress.

Barack Obama, whose campaign theme is "change we can believe in," promised Thursday to "spell out exactly what that change would mean."

But instead of dwelling on specifics, he laced the crowning speech of his long campaign with the type of rhetorical flourishes that Republicans mock and the attacks on John McCain that Democrats cheer. The country saw a candidate confident in his existing campaign formula: tie McCain tightly to President Bush, and remind voters why they are unhappy with the incumbent.
...
He said he would "cut taxes for 95 percent of all working families," but did not say how.

Someone who works for the AP and covers politics for a living should understand how a bill becomes a law. Here Charles let me give you the shorthand: Obama writes bill that cuts taxes for 95% of working families, hands it to the House who votes on it, goes to the Senate where they vote on it, if they both pass it Obama can then sign it into law. That's how it works. If that's too complicated, perhaps this will help.

a word for the wise

in·ex·tri·ca·ble [in-ek-stri-kuh-buhl]-–adjective
1. from which one cannot extricate oneself: an inextricable maze.
2. incapable of being disentangled, undone, loosed, or solved: an inextricable knot.
3. hopelessly intricate, involved, or perplexing: inextricable confusion.

Not bad, Barry. Not bad at all.

who the hell just speeched that speech?

Anyone else wondering where that version of Al Gore was EIGHT FUCKING YEARS AGO?

Pamelita, at the corner

Fled the bar just now to sneak a cigarette before the Stevie Wonder set. I'm told there's a convention. I just showed up for Stevie. Anyway, I wound up sharing the last of a pack with a notoriously quiet homeless woman who tends to haunt the corner of 4th Avenue and St. Mark's Place. She tells me her name is Pamelita, something she's either conjured or convinced of, and has an appetite for nicotine that rivals my own.

Taking into account the substance traction, she's probably in her late 40's to early 50's, sporting what would be heavy Marlboro lines on a face belonging to someone who eats regularly but on hers are shallow paths through loose sand. She wears striped leggings beneath a smoked-beige dress, has the remnants of a Jets jersey wrapped around her shaved head, and her mouth -- whenever we talk, she will inevitably open wide and insist that I put my nose close, as though to prove a point -- smells like sweaty dick wrapped in a gym sock.

I give Pamelita a cigarette and plop on the sidewalk next to her. She picks her nose and mutters incoherently for a time, punctuating what I'm sure she thinks are sentences with screams of "Your mother's cunt!" Given the Tourette's, it's tough to hold a conversation, but I get around to asking her about what she thinks of Obama, of the hope and change and progress he aims to bring to this nation, if she's even heard of him, or has any idea about what everyone inside is so interested in.

She knows who he is, knows what he talks about, knows what's happening in the country and in the city she calls "home." She also doesn't care. Not at all. She wanted nicotine, money, and a drink. When I ask her why, she just shakes her head, takes a deep breath and smooths the persistent wrinkles out of that dress.

I refuse to approach this from a utilitarian perspective. Especially while holding down a corner in a crowded Park Slope beer bar, surrounded by people who needn't think twice about whether or not they can afford the drink in their hand. A society's values are best discerned at its fringes. Almost 3/4 of a million American citizens were homeless as of 2005. Let's try to remember that as we revel in what's been said the last four days, what will be said over the next two months, and what will, or will not, be done in the future.

Cheers.

your sloppy pre-obama french kiss

Before we all hold our breath and wait for that sharp crack of sniper fire, let us pause and reflect for a moment. For once, I come bearing good news. Yes, news that will ease your nerves and do what alcohol alone cannot to smooth the edges of uncertainty surrounding what I'm sure you think will be the next landmark political speech in the history of this grrrrrreat nation.

Are you listening? Here goes.

The simple fact is, tonight doesn't matter. As excited as you all may be, tonight's pageantry is but the latest in a long line of crude and senseless distractions aimed at obscuring the fact that we will all soon be sucked into an infinite number of microscopic black holes appearing simultaneously and at random across and throughout all of the physical matter we "know" is present. We will at once be nothing and everything. Together. How's that for change?

You have eleven days. Enjoy the speech.

Wardrobe for Barrypalooza

Intrepid cub reporter Sean was able to break the news of Obama's un-American stagecraft, with it's hateful, elitist pillars. These Bastards is now here to break both the entrance spectacle and wardrobe for Barack Obama tonight. Photos were taken by means of a high powered spy satellite during the top secret run through.

Betcha thought that mountaintop would look a little different

Can you dig it?

Has anyone else seen the stage erected at Invesco for Obama's Cyrus moment this evening? This Acropo-liptic affront to basic decency comes courtesy of RDA Entertainment, the same folks responsible for those tasteful, elegant sets featured on previous Britney Spears tours.

Once the photos were made public, the McCain campaign immediately unloaded a few rounds into the barrel, rolling out such witticisms as "Temple of Obama" and "Barackopolis." To his credit, Obama Chief Strategist David Axelrod returned fire by mocking the McCain campaign for "shooting barbs about the opulence of our convention from the mountaintop in Sedona."

This is what it's come to. The two entrenched oligarchies that rule our political system are locked in a pissing contest over aluminum scaffolding and faux stone columns erected for an event where scalped tickets are going for thousands of dollars. Be sure to unhinge your jaw before receiving this particular brand of populism.

Oh well, at least Obama's convention dais isn't as unsettling as McCain's (pictured below).

These Bastards guide to Barrypalooza: Finale

Last night Bill Clinton spoke. I was shocked to hear he don't think much of John McCain, George Bush or his plans for America. So was the media, it seems. Apparently because Clinton was so mad his wife lost he might have gone up and not done what he was supposed to do and mumbled his way through a half-hearted speech. Not quite sure that deserved 5 hours of pre-speech runup speculation, but that's what you got. Then he came out, flashed the old Bubba charm, was booked and arrested for indecent exposure, then was allowed to come back out on the condition he wouldn't flash it again. Old ladies in the front row you see. He gave his speech and the media declared "Everything fixed again" and were now convinced that Bill Clinton and Obama are BFF and they're totally going to go on the road together, and go camping together, and tell spooky stories by the campfire.

John Kerry came back to give a speech and showed he had caught a terminal case of Al Gore disease. You know the one. The disease which makes you give speeches and demonstrate a personality that if it was shown for any length of time during the period in which they were the Democratic nominee for President, they would have won easy.

Then Joe Biden strode to the stage a mix of sound, fury, and minor speech flubs. He gave his rendition of "John McCain is an inept buffoon" in B# and really wailed on the "poor foreign policy choices" solo section.

Tonight, they're letting some Muslim guy speak. That could backfire. Also, they have moved to Mile High Stadium in an attempt to capture the magic of the Jay Cutler led Broncos. Expect whatever backdrop Obama speaks in front to be a sign of his celebrity arrogance. Dobson will flog his rain boner to the bleeding point, we'll see if it works. The Theme: Change You Can Believe In/Vote for this black guy/Hasn't the last 8 years sucked hard enough?

Pledge of Allegiance
Shawn Johnson
Michael Phelps and Nastia Liukin were busy and Usain Bolt is Jamaican. So Obama got America's favorite gold medal jailbait. What hasn't been released to the media is that she will deliver the pledge while trying to perform a complicated routine on the balance beam. If she fails to hit the twisting and flipping dismount "Liberty and Justice" is officially changed from 'for all' to 'some'. No pressure Shawn.

Remarks
Honorable Bill Ritter, Jr., Governor of Colorado
Yes, yes the convention was held in your state. For that he gets to moan on and on about mountains, skiing, secret bigfoots, and voting democratic. I doubt even the people of the state know who you are and your presence will only infuriate the people eating their stadium nachos and trying to flag the beer man while you drone on and on about about how you wrote all the good episodes of South Park. Keep it short.

Remarks
The Honorable Tim Kaine, Governor of Virginia
He'll try to appear to be totally cool with being passed over for Joe Biden, but you'll see the cracks start to form at about the 2:30 mark of his speech. One too many bearded college types and old black ladies welling up with pride will wave around those "Obama/Biden" signs before he just loses it and screams out "I could have given you Virginia! Why hast thou forsaken me?" before his complete emotional breakdown. Mark Warner will try to console him, but there's nothing he'll be able to do. Kaine's a shell of a man now. A shell. Virginia....is for lovers.

Remarks
The Honorable Al Gore
His power point slide presentation on why you should vote for Barack Obama is a thing of beauty. The shots of a melting, cracked, and breaking up John McCain really underscore the risks we run as a country by not addressing this crisis. There's also some fanwank about polar bears and lack of ice. Bonus: You get yo listen to your Republican friend snark about the 'Goreacle'. Why do you let him watch these things? Didn't you learn anything on night one?

Live Performance
Michael McDonald
Just wanted to put that out there. They've got will.i.am, John Legend, Sheryl Crow, Stevie Wonder, and something called the Yonder Mountain String Band Performance. McDonald is the guy they picked to go on last, to the delight of Paul Rudd. I wonder if he's going to sing "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"? I wish I could bet on obvious shit like that. There's no way he plays "Yah Mo B There".

Video/Remarks
SENATOR BARACK OBAMA

Protest of the day

No chance in hell lady. It's so wrong, but it's so right.

World on hold for Democratic Convention

In case you had any ideas that stuff was happening outside of the United States, stuff that was completely unrelated to the Democratic convention or an average speech Hillary Clinton gave, let me reassure you: nothing is happening. I looked on the websites of a bunch of newspapers and everything. The TV news is wall to wall convention with quick news alerts for the grain silo fire that happened in Dubuke. That's the only other thing that happened today.

The New York Times is Clinton speech and chubby kids in swimming pools. The LA Times is Hillary and Horses. the Washington Post is all Hillary and has furiously replaced all it's Hillary/Obama rift stories from yesterday with Bill/Obama rift storylines for today. You know how hard it is to change every Hillary to Bill and her to him? At least five minutes in Word. Even the Guardian and Times in the UK have overly large sections on the convention on their front page. Try looking at the Huffington Post, I dare you. It's all convention and murdering pythons. Which may have happened at the convention, I didn't click on the link. Has anyone seen Chris Dodd? Was he eaten by a python?

Sleep easy America, nothing in the world is going on. Russia has held it's position inside Georgia and is sheepishly kicking dirt while waiting for Barack's big speech to be over. Insurgents in Iraq have kindly stopped bombing indiscriminately so as not to confuse reporters as what to report on: Iraq or Hill-dawg's tangerine pant-suit. The housing crisis actually fixed itself last night so that more people would be able to spend time watching Joe Biden. All is well.

The world will kick itself back into gear late Friday, before going on hiatus again at the start of next week for the Republican convention. The world is considerate like that. You should send them a thank you card.

These Bastards guide to Barrypalooza: Day 3

Betta reckognize!

She did it, Biff and Wink, she did it. Hillary Clinton, with one speech, healed the entire Democratic party, which the media told me was irrevocably broken with internecine warfare breaking out on the floor of the convention. Pikemen from Illinois were besieging the suite of Wes Clark, Jimmy Carter was garroting Terry McAulliffe, and suddenly it all stopped as Hillary strode to the stage to tell everyone she supported Barack Obama. Rifts were healed immediately, Al Gore was declared retroactive winner of 2000, and cartoon animals were scampering throughout the mezzanine. She supports Barack Obama and is against John McCain. Who could have foreseen it?

Also, my Senator, Bob Casey, delivered a 'kind of' attack speech in a tone that can only be described as a massively sedated Hank Hill from King of the Hill. He is the most low key, boring man on the earth and he still destroyed Rick Santorum by double digits.

Also of note, of you watch CNN you can hear Paul Begala and James Carville bitch about how no one is giving speeches attack McCain and Bush while speeches go on in the background. If you turn to PBS or C-Span you can see those speeches and hear them hurl invective at Bush and McCain. The best political team in news, CNN.

On tap for night three: danger, intrigue, sexiness, explosions, balls to the wall bare ass speed, and speeches, speeches, speeches. Also officially nominating that Obama guy. No comptrollers today. The theme for the day is: Securing America’s Future.

Cowardly Warbling
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid
He's supposed to give a speech about the intertwined policies of John McCain and George Bush, but John Boehner and Mitch McConnell twisted his arm really hard. So he's going to give a speech on why Barack Obama is bad for America. He doesn't really want to, but they just forced his hand and there's nothing he can do about it, he's only the Senate Majority Leader.

Workshop
Chicago Mayor Richard Daley
Poll fixing and working precincts for amateurs. Vote early and often. He goes through an exhaustive 100 slide power point presentation on how to wring the most votes out of a beleaguered population and a political class that owes you big time. He's the Al Gore of sixties style Democratic machine politics slide presentations. He needs to get to the makers of the voting machine companies like Republicans do, this old school shit doesn't work anymore.

Remarks
Governor Bill Richardson (Evil version)
Ever since he escaped from a side dimension soon after good Richardson left the race, evil Richardson has been stalking the airwaves with his evil goatee, plotting his evil plots of South Western populism. There will be no awkwardness with James Carville, who called him a Judas. James Carville will be disposed of in a most unpleasant manner: he will be suffocated inside his own ass. Expect podium pounding, exultations of fealty to the United Galactic Federation, and a cry of 'end communication' as he 'x'es his arms over his chest.

Remarks
President Bill Clinton, Pimp of the Nation
More whining about whether Bill can also heal the divide which Hillary already healed or if he'll get all pouty and shuffle his feet and mumble a bit on the podium. Apparently he'll talk about foreign policy, but he's mad because he wanted to talk about economic issues. Also because his wife lost a spot at the Presidency she was entitled too. But expect much whining about problems between Bill and Barack before everything is declared fixed at the exact conclusion of his speech. That or Clinton pulls out a gun and starts firing it wildly into the Virginia delegation screaming "Why didn't you vote for my wife?"

Remarks
Senator Joe Biden, Nominee for VP
The big speech of the night, where the veep wannabe launches attacks on Bush and McCain in the inimitable "Oh no you didn't", cutting, disbelieving, loquacious Biden style. Scientists have working all week to come up with the precise medical dose of drugs to keep him on message and to have no side tangents.

No bonus drinking game. Go to church you pathetic drunkard. Your mother weeps for your gin soaked soul.

Picture of the day

via NYTimes

(sniff) "I just want white middle-America to like my black friend. He's really (sniff) nice, honest!"

Protest of the day

Well, it was only a matter of time

Criminal masterminds

Colorado authorities have arrested three men in connection with a suspected plot to assassinate Barack Obama during Thursday's speech at Invesco Field.

It began early Sunday, when a rented Dodge pickup being driven by Tharin Gartrell, 28, was pulled over in Aurora on suspicion of drunken driving.

Authorities then saw two rifles in the truck, with a high-powered scope, a bulletproof vest, a walkie-talkie, several boxes of ammunition and some methamphetamine.

Yessuh, can't have ah-selves a proper assassination if we're not cranked on meth.

The idea that these three cretins could potentially murder the most transcendent political figure in a generation is pretty laughable. Still, this probably isn't the last we'll hear of various assassination plots over the next eleven weeks. Maybe the next trio will have a full set of teeth between them.

These Bastards guide to Barrypalooza: Day 2

Attempting to follow a successful (supposedly) first night where Ted Kennedy made his reappearance and give a rousing speech about health care and Michelle Obama apparently gave a good speech, the Democrats stage night 2 of their convention. I couldn't handle the incessant media references to Hillary Clinton and "healing the party" and switched off fairly early. I'm probably not going to like tonight.

Not much on the excitement front other than Kennedy. Maybe they need to bus in Dan Rather, so he can get jostled around the floor and then punched. Just like the good old days. No one would punch a news person now, no matter how much they deserve it. C'mon North Dakota delegation, earn your spot, slug Wolf Blitzer right in the mouth.

The theme for day two is "RENEWING AMERICA'S PROMISE", which somehow implies that America isn't as great as it could or used to be. Couldn't even hold the America bashing for one convention. Consternations.

Invocation Reverend Cynthia Hale
Unclear how crazy this reverend is and if she ever gave angry sermons that can be pinned on Barack Obama. Get on it right wing bloggers. We must know.

Remarks The Honorable Dennis Kucinich, Member of the US House of Representatives, Ohio
Pity applause abounds and camera shots of his smokin' hot wife. The theme of his speech is "Impeachment: C'moooooon, what's this Texas bastard gotta do to get tossed on his ass?" He then planned and interactive Impeachment for the crowd as he reads the articles and the crowd votes on them based on applause. Then after getting his fake applause impeachment he goes back to his hotel and cries, just a little bit.

Remarks The Honorable John Chiang, State Comptroller, California
DNC, what's with all the comptrollers? I see senators, congressmen, governors, former Presidents........and then comptrollers. That can't be one of the higher government positions. Furthermore this guy gets a better slot than Kucinich and the Congressional Black Caucus. The Dems love people who supervise government accounting and financial reporting.

The Honorable Hillary Rodham Clinton, US Senator, New York
The big speech of the night where everyone pretends to be excited and pretends that her sense of entitlement and bitter feelings over losing were justified. Expect boilerplate about change and unity as well as forceful statements about supporting Obama. Then all the talking heads who have decreed the Democratic party so split (no not really, come up with a better manufactured story), will have this conversation:

"Well Biff, do you think she did it? Did she heal the divide?"
"I think she did, Wink. I think she just did."

Bonus drinking game: "Heal the divide" and "rift" are the drink words. Just write out the suicide note now, that's just what the cops are going to believe anyway when they see you drank yourself to death within 20 minutes of CNN's coverage of the convention.

photo from mmmichelle used under creative commons license

About that whole "dissent" thing...

Those brave journalists tasked with crafting a Convention narrative of Democratic Party tongue kissing between trips to the ClearChannel tent for a shot of Stoli and another hand job have pretty much neglected to mention the protests taking place outside the Pepsi Center. You have to dig in any of the larger papers just to get the sense that, shockingly, not everyone is pleased about two wars, regulatory malfeasance, rampant PAC influence, and all the other bullshit we don't talk about in polite company. Grabbed a few, though, for your angry pleasure:

-WSJ's Washington Wire wrote up the detention of four protesters who didn't have proper ID.

-Boston.com has some anti-war march footage.

-The Colorado Independent, which you should all be paying more attention to in the next couple of days, claims two were arrested at the end of an anti-war rally earlier today.

Also worth keeping an eye on is the People's Law Project, an organization cobbled together by the National Lawyers Guild to defend dissent at the convention. Don't forget: despite what the last seven years have taught you, America, you are still permitted to voice disagreement.

A filthy habit

Praise be unto Himz0rz

Figured I would give you all a break from watching Matthew's brain liquify at the sight of the DNC's Barrypalooza conduct.

Turns out an Italian priest is organizing a beauty pageant. For nuns.

An Italian priest says he is organising the world's first beauty pageant for nuns to erase a stereotype of them as being old and dour.

Antonio Rungi says The Miss Sister Italy online contest will start on his blog in September.

"Nuns are above all women and beauty is a gift from God," he told Italy's Corriere della Sera newspaper.

So here's how it works: Nuns from across Italy, perhaps the world, will submit their photos to the Padre and then we'll all get to vote on who's the hottest. Given the potential size of the field -- as of 2007, there are almost 1 million nuns in The Shit -- and the fact that we'll be judging based solely on facial features, oddsmakers are reluctant to lay down a line just yet.

But we know where our money is going.

Bow before Dobson and his tornado God

Four twisters touch down near Parker, Castle Rock

At least four tornadoes touched down Sunday afternoon southeast of Denver between the towns of Castle Rock and Parker, but somehow managed to twist dangerously by new housing developments.

The thunderstorms also unleashed a sudden deluge of rain and hail on several subdivisions.

"It was like it snowed during and after the tornado," said Stephen Klein, 15, who lives in the Sapphire Pointe subdivision with his family about a mile-and-a-half southeast of where the tornado touched down. Klein, his mother and two brothers headed to the basement after a neighbor alerted them of the twister.

Uh-oh. Seems Focus on the Family has magical powers. They prayed so hard for rain they got tornadoes. Twisters. Funnel cakes of destruction. God is angry that the sodomites have entered Denver and is retaliating with force. Frankly, I knew this day would come when God would align with James Dobson. That's why I had my 'deathbed acceptance of God' speech updated to be given while I'm still alive. I won't go down with the rest of you, bursting into flames and boils the second you pull that lever or punch that card for Obama. It won't happen if you use touchscreen voting, because that vote will be counted for McCain. Repent! REPENT! God is Republican and angry!

These Bastards guide to Barrypalooza: Day 1

Where's the giant America flag, Democrats? You better believe John-boy will make the opening speech from Patton look like it coulda used a bigger flag.

It's everyone's favorite time of the year: political convention time! The time where America's favorite prime time sitcoms are pre-empted in an attempt to force citizens to take an active interest in their country. Hasn't worked yet! Perhaps in four years they can devise an extra funny quip for Charlie Sheen to crack on Two and a Half Men that drives up voter turnout. Boring speeches by people they don't know doesn't work.

The theme is One Nation. Some sort of obvious communist code. On deck for today:

Call to Order
The Honorable Howard Dean
Dean grunts open the ceremonies with the traditional bang of the gavel, good luck shot of bourbon, and voodoo incantation of bad omens towards Republicans and America. He then moves outside for the ceremonial "arresting of the first protester" where he turns the firehose on some socialist from a New England Liberal Arts College, destroying his senior thesis: a giant Vladimir Putin puppet holding a "Nyet!" banner.

National Anthem
Colorado Children's Chorale
These children love America and thus, by extension, so do Democrats. They hope this will provide cover for their secret, evil intentions I heard about on Hannity's show the other day. Unlike the Republican convention, they are in no danger of being molested by any members of Florida's 16th district.

Remarks
Ballin' Dan "Comptroll That Ass" Hynes: State Comptroller, Illinois
America's most beloved state comptroller. How they were able to get him to free up his schedule and appear is beyond me. His combustible personality and free wheeling, showboat comptrolling has made him beloved in his home state of Illinois. Many have him tapped for the Presidency in 2016.

Remarks
The Honorable Jesse Jackson, Jr.
Awkwaaaaard. Expect a lot of apologizing for his father and reaffirmations that he doesn't want to cut Barack's nuts off. In fact, everybody's nuts are safe at the DNC, that is his solemn pledge. Complimentary jock staps and cups will be handed out with a picture of him making the 'safe' sign on them.

Senator Edward M. Kennedy Tribute
Both speeches and video honoring Sweaty Teddy, the most liberal man in America. Reports have him appearing by video or perhaps even busting through a brick wall, marching to the podium, knocking over Claire McCaskill, and delivering a stem-winder about universal health care. In any event, you'll have to try and hear it over the teeth grinding and bitter whispers of "Chappaquiddick" from your angry Republican friend. Why do you make him watch these things anyway?

Remarks
Michelle Obama
Closing off the night with a big speech is Barack's wife Michelle. Terrorist fist bumps abounds! Not the usual spot for the wife, what with the big speech making on the first night, but expect either a real political conventiony type speech or a paean about why she loves Barry and thus you should too.

Then the convention day ends and we all go to sleep with dreams of Jim Leach and Amy Klobuchar giving speeches about Unity in our heads.

Bonus drinking game: Do a shot every time they mention John McCain's million houses. You won't even make it past 7:15. Learn to drink like a man!