Cheap Blogging Crutch 02.03

Gates Makes $10 Billion Vaccines Pledge
Over the next decade the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation will pour $10 billion dollars into the development, funding, and distribution of vaccines to the world's poorest countries. Why? Because apparently they base their scientific based philanthropic ideas on so-called science and not on the hankerings and notions of former Playboy models slash MTV dating game-show co-hosts. That's a mistake. I think all of Africa is going to have autism soon and I don't think Bono can write a song good enough to fix that problem. You've doomed the continent with your science and philanthropy, Bill and Melinda.

3 G.I.s Killed in Pakistan. Now Can We Start Treating This Like a Real War?
Hey, did you know we're essentially waging a secret ground war in Pakistan with special forces troops and air-strikes and all that good stuff? Well, 3 soldiers got killed in a battle inside the Pakistan border, that not only was in Pakistan and a Taliban stronghold (shocking), but had been declared to be free of militants/insurgents by the Pakistani military, so now you definitely know. Whoops! Much discussion ensues about when we can start admitting that this is an important front, probably the most important front, in the war on terror? Well, considering that we can't admit we're even there in a support capacity, I'm guessing those odds aren't good.

Iran Sends Mouse, Turtles Into Space
Here we are, cutting NASA's Constellation moon program and Iran is launching a mouse, two turtles, and a worm into space for what experts deemed "no scientific purpose." I think we know what the purpose is. With us seemingly abandoning our aim to return to the moon and Mars, Bitches! seemingly in flux, it seems that in the future America will rest it's head under a moon that is half Red Chinese and half Islamofacist. A Christmas themed satellite of terror and communism. This is our future, people: the moon has been ceded to our enemies. We beat everyone to the moon by 50 years and then spend the rest of that time ceding back that superiority in sad gasps.

Iraq war was illegal, Dutch panel rules
I know, what a surprise, but the Dutch have conducted their own inquiry into their own support of the war and have found the war not only to be inconsistent with Dutch government policies but with "no basis in international law". This to go with the ongoing UK Iraq Inquiry, which is finding generally the same thing, but just spent considerable time grilling former PM Tony Blair over his own conduct and complicity with Bush Administration lies. What are we doing? The sound you hear is crickets chirping because to take a look at the massive fuckup that was (and still is) the Iraq war, that would mean we were "looking backwards" and not "looking forwards". So we just have every other country on earth act like adults, review their and our conduct, and declare the whole thing a fraudulent sham that didn't improve anything, while we sit around and pretend everything is fine and don't even make our leaders answer basic questions about what happened. America, fuck yeah! We're adults.

Darfur Genocide Charge Being Reconsidered Against Sudan President Omar al-Bashir
Bad news for all you Omar al-Bashir fans out there. It seems that they might just add "killing a fuckload of people" and "concentration camp type stuff" back on to his arrest warrant. The only thing stopping them? No one could really seem to muster up the energy to care or even do something when the genocide was ongoing (and is still ongoing), so they're having the same kind of trouble mustering up the same kind of gumption it takes to add "and also for being a rotten, genocidal, murdering shit" onto the end of a warrant. Fair is fair. At least they're consistent. Here's hoping they can find the time to bother charging him with this and then trying him for it. I'm not really hoping for much though.

Happy Gluttony and Genocide Day!

From an old friend:

Your Holiday Curmudgeon

From Christopher Columbus' log, as quoted by Howard Zinn in A People's History of the United States:

They... brought us parrots and balls of cotton and spears and many other things, which they exchanged for the glass beads and hawk's bells. They willingly traded everything they owned.... They were well-built, with good bodies and handsome features.... They do not bear arms, and do not know them, for I showed them a sword, they took it by the edge and cut themselves out of ignorance. They have no iron. Their spears are made of cane.... They would make fine servants.... With fifty men we could subjugate them all and make them do whatever we want.

Note: The entire book is hosted here at History is a Weapon.

h/t J

Broken News: Notorious War Criminal Discovered Posing as Game Show Host

UKRAINE--A saga that transfixed three continents and spanned half a century has finally come to a close as former The Price is Right game show host, Bob Barker, was arrested and charged with crimes against humanity. The genocidal mastermind, who had evaded authorities by hiding in plain sight for over 50 years, was apprehended in a raid on what authorities called a “shoddy Ukrainian carnival.”

"Truly, today is a great day,” proclaimed Adam Bergenthal, spokesman for the International Court of Justice. “One of the most sadistic, morally repugnant men to ever walk the earth is finally in custody."

The saga began last October when Barker was outed as Colonel Beto Cassacia, a fascist paramilitary leader responsible for 24,000 known civilian deaths during the Paraguayan Civil War. El Apergaminado Loco or “The Wrinkled Madman,” as he was known then, was notorious for stalking the countryside flanked by a perverse coterie of sideshow performers, forcing disobedient peasants to fertilize the cocoa fields with the ashes of their children before having all of the livestock spayed or neutered.

Perhaps the most egregious example of Cassica's cruelty took place at the village of Alto Horque in August of 1953. Villagers were forced at gunpoint, five at a time, to guess the cash value of clay pots, hand-woven decorative rugs, and other common household items. The villager who came closest to the actual retail price -- a foreign concept in what was then an agrarian barter economy -- without going over survived until the next round, while the remaining four were drawn and quartered.

When his faction lost the Civil War in 1954, it is assumed Cassica fled north through Bolivia and Brazil. A man matching his description was reported to be nutting goats with his bare teeth in the middle of the night, before escaping into the nearby salt marshes. Cassica eventually made it up through Mexico and all the way to the southeastern United States, where he murdered a transient named Robert Barker. The international fugitive then shaved his trademark bushy beard, known as "The Nest of a Thousand Tears," and assumed Barker's identity. After working his way up through the Los Angeles entertainment industry, Barker finally found a home for the demented parlor games that had made him the scourge of his native land: Daytime Television.

The first such show was Truth or Consequences, where incorrect trivia answers required the completion of zany stunts, as opposed to ritual disembowelment. The effort proved unsuccessful both commercially and as a vehicle for stoking the sexual ecstasy Barker derived from his sick games. He finally found his niche in 1975, though, with the launch of the revamped The Price Is Right, where he rose to prominence over the ensuing decades, never once giving any indication that America's favorite game show host was a bloodthirsty fugitive war criminal.

“The trail was cold for years,” said Juan Erico, chief investigator for the Simón Wiesenthal Center for Paraguayan Justice. “Then in late September of 2007, a Paraguayan Soy Farmers delegation was visiting the studio where they filmed The Price Is Right. An elderly farmer named Raul Arévalos recognized Colonel Cassacia."

Arévalos, though only a child at the time, was forced by Cassacia to play a crude precursor to "Plinko" using the skull of his older sister. While the course of time coupled with the Colonel's clean-shaven face made him difficult to recognize, Arévalos swore he would "never forget those eyes. Those cold, dead eyes..."

Erico went on to explain, "Cassacia must have gotten wind that we were onto him. Shortly after that taping, he fled the country before we could close in."

Almost immediately, CBS and Mark Goodson Television Productions concocted a cover story claiming that Barker had simply retired. They then hastily hired comedian Drew Carey as Barker's replacement while allegedly working through back channels to ensure Barker's safe and silent exile in Ukraine, one of the last areas of the planet where American daytime television had yet to gain a foothold.

Despite the well-orchestrated disappearance and financial backing, Barker's location was soon betrayed by an undisclosed number of global operatives. While the ICJ has been slow to release details, initial rumors suggested that Barker was captured while working as the ringmaster at a low-rent carnival sideshow in the Donets'k region of Ukraine, near the Sea of Azov. Lead Interpol agent, Jacques Yves, confirmed this rumor, explaining that the fugitive attempted to make a mad dash out of the dilapidated tent before being subdued and tranquilized by a team of operatives, several of whom had disguised themselves as inebriated circus patrons.

“We made our move after he [Cassacia/Barker] had been beating a sickly Siberian tiger in front of a burning hoop for almost half an hour,” said Yves through a translator. “The scene was... despicable. Goats wandered freely, there was feces everywhere, and I think the man sitting next to me was masturbating into a cage of infant ducks. Their so-called ‘Siamese Twins’ were two Koreans in the same pair of pants. It was pathetic."

Asked if the pursued put up any resistance, Yves explained, "When I tackled this Barker fellow, he screamed something about ‘glory to the South American fascist movement’ and tried to swallow a cyanide capsule. I wrestled it out of his hands and tranqued him. As he slipped into unconsciousness, a midget in a worn tuxedo circled and surveyed the scene on a motorized scooter. The dozen or so people watching began to applaud.”

Barker is being transported to Kiev where he will be booked and then turned over to the World Court at the Hague. The captive has steadfastly asserted his innocence, defending the crimes of which he is accused as, “the necessary conduct of a just war” and has vowed to act as his own lawyer at trial. Mark Goodson Television Productions has refused comment and is said to be conducting a thorough background check on Drew Carey, specifically the formative years he spent in Cleveland.

Karadzic to defend himself

Yesterday Radovan Karadzic, a man who committed genocide, war crimes, and crimes against humanity was captured. The long and short of it is, any time you see some crazy Serb ex-military bad guy, with a psychotic and violent backstory in warfare in a movie/TV/comic and you think "Well isn't this just a little too crazy and unrealistic", no it isn't and it was based on this guy. If the fact that he was a psychotic mass murderer, disguised himself as a holistic doctor who looked like Santa Claus, make you question his sanity, he came out today and decided to defend himself in court. 11 counts of war crimes, including genocide, for the massacre of 8,000 men and boys at Srebrenica and the 12,000 deaths during the siege of Sarajevo and he's going to defend himself.

"He is going to have a legal team in Serbia but he will be defending himself [without a lawyer] during his trial at The Hague," Vujacic told Reuters. "He is convinced that with the help of God he will win."

Can we have a rule from now on? If you are a war criminal and you want to defend yourself, you are automatically deemed guilty and sent to jail. Your only intent is to waste everybody's time defending crimes that the world's best team of lawyers couldn't get you off of. The final petty fuck you after over a decade on the run for crimes against humanity. You're going to prison forever and if there is a hell you will spend eternity there, could you at least comport yourself with some dignity during the trial? No? It was worth an ask.

Classy as always China

Courtesy of the BBC: China 'is fuelling war in Darfur'

The BBC has found the first evidence that China is currently helping Sudan's government militarily in Darfur.

The Panorama TV programme tracked down Chinese army lorries in the Sudanese province that came from a batch exported from China to Sudan in 2005.

The BBC was also told that China was training fighter pilots who fly Chinese A5 Fantan fighter jets in Darfur.

China's government has declined to comment on the BBC's findings, which contravene a UN arms embargo on Darfur.

Not really a big surprise. China has always been the one standing in the way of the UN doing anything in the Sudan. Genocide and other various delightful war crimes are going on this second and China is deciding to help cleanse a little more efficiently. As shown earlier that's pretty much been their position in Zimbabwe as well. Sell arms, enable genocide, prop up dictators, stand in the way of action, profit. It's our GWOT playbook writ larger and dirtier, if that's possible.

Try not to remember that during the Olympics. It'll be easy, because you won't be reminded of any of it.