Our Betters: The Vice-President hosts an international gathering

EXT. BLAIR HOUSE


Secretary Clinton: Mr. President, while I appreciate the steps you’ve taken to neutralize his involvement in the Nuclear Security Summit, I’m still a tad wary of what you’re allowing him to do this afternoon.


President Obama: I understand your concern, Madam Secretary, but think of how it would look if we didn’t have one of the Unites States' most experienced foreign policy hands involved in these meetings? Rahm here has assembled a list of low-risk dignitaries to distract Joe while we handle the big dogs. Everything looking OK with Joe, Rahm?


Rahm Emanuel: I’m not vouching for a goddamn thing that man does. He requisitioned a large grill, copious amounts of charcoal and lighter fluid, and a meat slicer. I saw the carnage coming from a mile off and that’s why I’m over here with you. That shit is Axelrod’s problem now.


Obama: I wonder if David is familiar with White House fire drill protocols…


EXT. NAVAL OBSERVATORY


Senior Adviser David Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, thing are all set for your Summit Luncheon. We’ve built the fire pit, gathered the assortment of various rare and endangered meats you requested for grilling, and have built the sandwich station so that you can make everyone your signature... (sighs)... Bidenwich.


Vice-President Biden: Twelve kinds of deli meat, Davey-boy! Whiz wit! Plus lettuce, tomato, onion and my signature Biden sauce. Two of the ingredients are dijon mustard and miracle whip. If you want to know the rest, you'd better have some sharp knives and the will to use them! I’m thinking the occasion calls for some sort of extra spicy nuclear hot sauce, you know, to get people thinking about the dangers of proliferation.


Axelrod: Whatever. For now, we need to move to the photo-op area so the press can get some film of you greeting the dignitaries as they enter your Summit Luncheon and--


Biden: Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast!


Axelrod: (clears throat) Yes, your Summit Feast of a Thousand Meats and Beer Blast. Just shake their hands, pause for a few seconds, and let them move on.


Biden: Pressin’ the flesh, meetin’ the people. This is literally what I was made for.


Axelrod: Fine fine. You did memorize their names, right? Remember last weekend, with the flash cards...


Biden: Forgot them the second you left. No problem, I’ll just wing it.


Axelrod: In hindsight I realize this is exactly what I should have expected. Christ, here’s the first one now.


Biden: Hey pal! How the fuck ya doin’?


Chilean Foreign Minister Alfredo Moreno: Uh… not bad. Let me say how humbled I am to be included in this important world summit.


Biden: Fantastic! Look... you… guy. We’re just tickled that you could make it. You and whatever country it is you represent are critical to doing whatever it is we’re trying to do with nuclear weapons. So come on in, man. Kick up your feet, we got brews on ice. Dos Equis! Eh, eh! Just get your drink on and I’ll be back in a few to grill up some ostrich burgers. You ever eat ostrich?


Moreno: Can’t say that I have…


Biden: Damn, I thought you were from an ostrich country. Fuck it, just chill out, relax, chillax. We got lawn darts, bocce ball, the whole nine!

Biden: This guy! This... this is the guy right here!


Egyptian Foreign Minister Ahmed Aboulgheit: My great thanks for extending an invitation to my nation.


Biden: No problemo, my man! How could we do this without... you!? You’re the guy, man! I'm guessing you're a big grilled-meat-on-a-stick person?


Aboulgheit: Sometimes. It is a popular dish in my country.


Biden: Fuckin’ nailed it! Scamper on back to the grilling area. I think you’ll find it’s a goddamn Turkish delight back there. Big hunks of rare meats on claymores roasting over a fire the size of the Lincoln Memorial.

Biden: NAJIB! You old pig-fucker! Bring it in!


Malaysian Prime Minister Najib Razak: Joe-Joe Dancer, you ornery son of a motherless goat! How have you been? I haven’t seen you since…


Both: The 1994 UN Summit in Kuala Lumpur!


Biden: Hell of a goddamn night! I remember waking up shoeless in a ditch on the side of the road with Boutros Boutros-Ghali puking into a hyacinth right next to me. I tried to call you to come pick us up, but…


Razak: I was passed out in the Imperial Garden of the Seri Paduka Baginda Yang di-Pertuan Agong! Without any pants!


Biden: HAW HAW HAW! I still don’t remember most of that week! Shit, get your ass back to the grill pit. We'll get shitfaced and play Pai Gow… if you can keep your dong in your pants!


Razak: You know how I get when I drink in the sun! No promises, you son of bitch.

Biden: President Jintao, what an honor it is to meet you again.


Vietnamese Prime Minister Nguyen Tan Dung: You must be mistaken; I am the Prime Minister of Vietnam.


Biden: My mistake... Hey, Charlie don’t surf! Glad you were able to get past that whole "us turning your country into a charred crater" thing behind you and join us at a nuke summit.


Dung: Well thank you, we take the issue very--


Biden: Hey, you know what rhymes with nuke? Goo--


Axelrod: Mr. Prime Minister! Right this way, please. The luncheon is out back.


Biden: See you at the cookout, Dung. Hell of a last name. Hilarious.

Biden: ...President Jintao?


Indonesian Vice President Boediono: …No. I must say the tales of your personality and demeanor hardly do you justice.


Biden: Phenomenal. Thanks for the kind words. I gotta say, I was a little worried about today. I‘ve just been in a funk recently. I thought I was raking it in. Cleared $300k+ this year. Then I go and find out Barry pulled in $5.5 mil last year. He’s literally half may age! It’s goddamn depressing. Good to hear that I’m masking it well.


Boediono: Well, as they say, money doesn’t make you truly happy.


Biden: They do? Huh. Wisdom of Confucius I guess. Lemmee tell you what I’m gonna do special for you. Your Bidenwich is going to have the salami sliced extra thin! Just for you.

Biden: ...All... right... yeah... shit, fuck it. Another one? You’re not Hu Jintao either, I’m guessing. What godforsaken country are you from?


Thai Deputy Prime Minister Trirong Suwankiri: I’m from Thailand.


Biden: What? Do you even have nukes?


Suwankiri: Not as such…


Biden: What are you doing here then? What could you possibly be doing for nuclear security?


Suwankiri: Well we consider it our duty to stop prolifer--


Biden: Thailand? Thailand? This is what I’m reduced to? Where’s Gordon Brown? Where’s Sarkozy and that hot piece of ass he walks around with? Thailand?


Axelrod: Please excuse the Vice-President, he’s under a great deal of stress. This way, sir.

Biden: Thailand? Can you believe this shit, buddy?


Saudi Intelligence Chief Prince Muqrin bin Abdulaziz Al Saud: I… uh… ooh… awkward. This is a most uncomfortable situation.


Biden: I’m Joe-fuckin'-Biden here. I’ve been on the Foreign Relations Committee since Lincoln was in short pants and the best I can do at a nuclear arms summit is a country whose chief export is transsexual whores? After the spread I set out? I bow hunted an elk myself…


Al Saud: I think I’ll just let myself out.

Biden: Now things are looking up! FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES! DAMN RIGHT, I AIN’T GOT NOTHIN’ BUT THE BLUES! Yeah!


Nigerian Acting President Goodluck Jonathan: I’m not sure I get the reference…


Biden: FROM MY HEAD DOWN TO MY SHOES! I CAN’T WIN CUZ I GOT NOTHIN’ TO LOSE!! Buddy Guy! At my summit bash!


Jonathan: No, I’m the Nigerian President.


Biden: Fuck! Nothing is going right today. I assume that unless the world has turned to real shit, Nigeria doesn’t have nukes either?


Jonathan: No. But in an anecdote that I am sure you will find amusing, my first name is Goodluck.


Biden: Goodluck? HAW HAW that is hilarious! That isn’t a first name! Lemme guess, that’s just what people kept saying to you whenever you said you were Nigeria’s President? Outstanding. And your last name is a first name! HAW HAW HAW! I’m gonna tell Davesy to give you extra ‘fixins.


Jonathan: I thought you would be amused by such banalities.


(Jonathan walks off, leaving the VP alone in his thoughts)

Biden: They fobbed off all the losers on me. Me… Joe Biden...


Axelrod: Cheer up. It was probably because they knew you’d make them feel important, like they mattered, like there was a purpose in having Morocco at a nuclear summit. They knew you’d treat them like VIP’s.


Biden: That must be it. Hell, you know how to buck a man up, Axehandle. Hell, it’s not so bad. Got some beers, gonna be cookin’ up some food, gonna show the world the culinary masterpiece known as the Bidenwich! You’re right, it’s gonna be a hell of a day! Where’s Najib? We're gonna tie one on and crank call Harry Reid!


Axelrod: Mr. Vice-President, please put your shirt back on.

Sotomayor moves forward

It seems the Sotomayor confirmation process has regained some semblance of sanity. It would have been hard to get crazier, but still, things have been knocked back into almost sane levels of discourse. Well, by current standards anyway. Even Newt Gingrich is on board. He no longer thinks Sotomayor is a complete racist, he just think she's a "racialist", whatever that means. I guess that makes her a 7 on the racism scale, instead of her previous Tufnel-esque 11. Even Christian groups are getting on board, with the organization "Faith and Action in the Nation's Capitol" anointing the confirmation room with holy oils in an attempt to bless the room for a "truthful process for the American people." And if it perhaps leads to evil liberal spirits being forcefully exorcised from Democratic lawmakers and Sotomayor as they enter the room, that's just a bonus.

Even Sotomayor's recent ankle shattering has been met with some measure of restraint. Tom Tancredo has gone out of his way not to mention that white men are sturdier and have stronger ankles and said he even kind of regrets greasing the LaGuardia Airport terminal floor and paying an intern to trip her. Lawmakers are even going out of their way to be more accommodating.

Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) had “a bag of ice and a pillow on hand” when she arrived, and quipped, “I hope you all note that some Republicans are empathetic, too.” Sens. Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) and Mary Landrieu (D-LA) both signed her cast, and Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE) presented the Yankees fan with a “snapshot…of himself posing outside the old Yankee Stadium.”

Oh, that Vitter. As long as he isn't paying you $300 an hour to fuck him, he's a real charmer. But I can see why he was nice, he really needs to learn her judicial thoughts on prosecuting lawmakers who moralize about values and nail hookers on the side. And that rascal Ben Nelson. I'm sure there's nothing Judge Sotomayor will cherish more than a photo of you standing outside a stadium. You do know how to pick a gift.

See? Everything is all right. Just ignore the previous weeks. This is a semi-adult legal body conducting themselves in a semi-adult manner. No need to remember all that shame you felt. Blessings! Racialist! Ben Nelson photos! Meetings with Johns! America is back on track.

Broken News: Class War Erupts at Combination Chili Cook-Off and Brie-Tasting

SEDALIA, MO. -- In what was billed as a meeting of highbrows and lowbrows, a refuge where the glitterati and literati could break bread with the hicks in the sticks, the combined efforts of the National Guard, local fire departments, and two S.W.A.T. teams were required to quell a riot at the first annual Greater Missouri Chili Cook-Off and Brie-Tasting. As rescue crews work around the clock to clear rubble, search for survivors, and identify corpses, the question on everyone's mind seems to be: Who could have predicted this?

“We thought it was the perfect idea, now we realize it just created the perfect storm of conditions” remarked Julius Pearle, field organizer for the Kant-Earnhardt Society, the event's creators. ""We set up the antiquing pavilion next to the asphalt motorcycle burnout circle. We lined up Charlie Daniels and the Boston Pops. And no matter what anyone says, both the henna and permanent tattoo tents were clearly labeled."

While authorities have found it difficult to pinpoint the exact start of a riot with apparent multiple, perhaps simultaneous firepoints, experts have surmised that certain underlying socioeconomic tensions almost certainly provoked the conflict. A shaky consensus has emerged claiming the riot initially touched off when a man, rumored to be a liberal arts college professor, peered over his Dolce & Gabbana frames and sneered a comment about the fiscal solubility of John McCain’s environmental policy. A man in a trucker hat, possibly a bow hunter, impugned the religion and parentage of Senator Obama, followed it up with a, “Do it to it,” and the uprising was underway.

“All I know is some high falutin’ motherfucker said ‘solipsistic’ and I just started wailin’ on his ass.” said Early Hinson of Mule Stump, Alabama. "I saw all the ads, man. They put one on the hood of Clint Bowyer's #07 Jack Daniels car, so I knew people's was comin' to party. Then I get here and a man can't even eat a rack of ribs without hearin' about offsets and carbon neutralness and I just lost my shit. They even neutered Charlie, man!"

Sadly, Hinson's statement is both figuratively and literally true, as not even the musicians were spared. After Daniels brandished a confederate flag during an impromptu acapella version of "It Ain't No Rag It's a Flag" during the initial stages of the riot, conductors Keith Lockhart and John Williams put down their batons and confronted him. The exchange quickly became physical and the onstage area erupted into an old fashioned rowdy dow. CDB members Bruce Brown and Charlie Hayward waded into the woodwinds using anything they could find as a weapon while the violin section made short work of the guitar techs. As fire engulfed the brass section, Lockhart and Williams took Daniels hostage and constructed what can only be described as a crude guillotine, made out of a sharpened tuba bell and timpani drum.

In a statement released from prison, Williams, awaiting arraignment on charges of assault, mutilation, and conducting surgery without a license, said, "I regret nothing. Coming up in the symphony game, you learn how to handle your business. How do you think I got the Superman job? I fishhooked Hans Zimmer and held his baton hand over a food processor, that's how. Ennio Morricone saw why my right thumb is feared throughout Europe as the foremost eye-gouger since Gustav Mahler blinded Pablo Casals in Milan in 1904. Or at least Ennio would have seen it if I hadn't popped his eyeball like a grape. Charlie Daniels is just the latest victim and not, I assure you, the last."

Pearle, whose organization is facing imminent financial ruin in the wake of the disaster, continued, "We felt these two groups could come together, mingle, interact, and work out their differences. We thought they could forge a new way forward for America, one of understanding and compassion. Instead they just brutalized each other and warred like savage tribesmen. Well, the one half was like savage tribesmen. The other half, for the most part, just ran around crying and threatening legal action.”

With early estimates placing the damage to the Pettis county area in the $500 million dollar range, groups are recklessly rushing to stage benefit concerts in a shortsighted attempt to help heal the damaged state. The joint Kashi/Truck Nuts benefit with Toby Keith and the Jazz Mandolin Project already has experts fearing a new outbreak of violence and the possible extinction of the trustifarian. The prospects for the hipsters at the Vampire Weekend/Napalm Death concert planned for New York are equally dim.

"Maybe we just need to start smaller" opined Pearle. "Maybe the gulf in class was too big, maybe we cast too wide a net. Next time will be better, I swear."